“I’m finally all alone. The kids, the wife, the dog, the kids, the wife, did I mention the dog? They’ve all left for the weekend. Can't remember last time I had the whole place to myself for a whole week. Now I can do what I've been wanting to do for years. What was it I was gonna do? Well, I’ll think of it, I’ve got the whole summer all to myself. First I'll catch up on my reading.
Lets see... 'The Appeal,' already read it... 'Duma Key,' read that... 'A Thousand Splendid Suns,' read that one too... 'The Appeal,' this one looks good. I’ll just get my reading glasses, Ah, here they are... Ooh! No one in my chair, that’s odd, wonder where everybody went? Hmm, a chance to read my mail. Uh-oh, a letter from my doctor! Let’s see, he says the blood tests came back and there’s two problems: I’ve got cancer and I’ve got Alzheimer's. Whew! At least it’s not cancer! And what was the other one? Well it couldn’t be too important if I can’t remember it.
Now where was I? I have my reading glasses on so what was I gonna read?... Oh yeah, the paper. [Tweet] Here Sheppy! Bring daddy the paper! Now where is that dog? Oh well, I guess I’ll have to go get it myself... Now what did I come out here for? This lawn looks awful! Why can't anyone remember to water the lawn? I’ll just turn on the sprinkler. Argh, the damn faucets all the way in the back... There, that ought to do it. ...Oh, now I remember! I went to get the paper! ...Aw look at this! Those damn fool kids turned on the sprinkler and soaked my damn paper. Where the hell are they anyway. Well I guess I’ll bake a batch of cookies and watch some TV.
Let’s see set the oven for 400° and just let that preheat for a minute... All out of cookie dough?! Wait, there’s always some in the freezer in the garage... HEY! My wifes car’s gone! Honey! Somebody stole your car! Where the hell is she? I better call the police. Hello? Police? My wife’s car has been stolen! Yes, I’ll hold. ...Hello? Who? Who is this? The POLICE!? What about my wife! Yes she’s right here, HONEY?! Well she was here. What’s this all about, officer? I said that? I’m sorry there’s been some mistake you must have the wrong number. [click] What’s that smell?... Jeezus somebody left the oven on! I swear that woman is gonna burn down the house one of these days. ...Oh, Hi honey, you’re back so soon?”
“Yes dear I told you we were just going out to get some Ice Cream. What’s that smell? YOU DIDN”T TURN ON THE OVEN DID YOU!?”
“The oven? Of course not, what happened?”
“I left the Birthday cake in there! Oh, now it’s ruined!”
“Birthday Cake? Who’s Birthday is it?
“Your son’s.”
“I have a son? I’m not even married! By the way, who are you?”
by... um... what's my name again?
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