Sunday, February 17, 2008

Live From Madison Square Garden

And in this corner... fighting out of green trunks with yellow stripes... wearing a smug overconfident grin... from El Paso Texas... weighing in at 210 pounds... the challenger...


And in this corner... fighting out of blue trunks with pink stripes and fire trucks with little dalmations wearing fireman hats and holding ladders... wearing sensible shoes... from Bullpenis Iowa... weighing in at 218 pounds... the champion...


Ref: Now fighters you know the deal, I want a good, clean fight. Nothin’ dirty. No funny stuff, no silly stuff, no hitting below the belt, no belting below the hit, no biting below the ears, no clenching, no clutching, no hugging, no kissing, no spitting, no pissing, no loitering, no soliciting, no parking anytime, no taking cuts in line, no name calling, no tattling, no chewing gum, and no running in the halls, keep your guard up, chin down, chest up and butt out! Take a swing at me I’ll shove my whistle up yer ass and you’ll be farting high C, you hear me? Now get in yer corners and stay there ‘till the bell... And did you two go to the bathroom first?

Pancho: Shit, I forgot, dude...

Ref: What?!

Pancho: I’m just messing witchoo Holmes!

Ref: Grrr...

Boyer: I’m gonna knock the skittles outta you Piñata!

Pancho: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits you misanthropic troglodyte! I’m gonna make you my girlfriend...

Boyer: Not without dinner and a movie first!

Pancho: Yeah? Whattaya like? there’s a romantic comedy playing at the Lumiere.

Alright break it up ladies.

[Ding Ding]

The fighters are circling, squaring off, triangulating, Pancho testing his range with a few scales, he’s a little rusty on the high notes, Boyer looks a little chicken, he’s ducking, ducking, now he’s goosing Pancho, the ref doesn’t like that, he gets a little jealous, Pancho seems to like it. Neither boxer really connecting... At least not on a real, emotional level. There’s Pancho with a little combination, looks like a cheese enchilada and a beef taco. Boyers bobbing and weaving... He’s crocheting a little doily, now he throws a wild right, Pancho throws it back, now he throws a shoe, Boyer sizes him up, checks his inseam, Pancho moves in, he pays his first and last months rent but Boyer want’s a cleaning deposit, Pancho’s dancing, he leads with a left, Boyer dips him.
Now Pancho does a two step and he’s really swingin’ but he misses Boyer, he looks kind of sad, Boyer misses him too, they get back together, They’re talking.

Pancho: Hey Sawyer, I saw yer wife last night

Boyer: Yeah, I saw your boyfriend last night.

Pancho: Yeah, well I saw yer momma last night

Boyer: Oh yeah, well I saw your parole officer last night

Pancho: Well I saw your pecker last night, all two inches of it.

Boyer: Yeah that’s cause you had the other eight in your mouth.

Pancho: Really, I thought that was a piece of dental floss.


And they go to their corners. Boyers trainer Bruce Allswell goes to work on Boyers eye with the endswell, Boyer grabs it and he won’t give it back. Boyers coach tells Boyer to give Allswell that endswell.

Meanwhile Pancho’s standing up in his corner. His trainer is checking out his equipment, he’s not impressed. Pancho takes a drink, he swishes it around in his mouth and spits it out, He doesn’t care for the bouquet of that vintage. The coach brings him an ’05 Bouchon Cabernet Sauvignon, He checks the color. He’s letting it aerate...


Pancho comes out circling the ring, Boyer comes out circling the other way, not looking where he’s going, They collide in the middle, they trade insurance information, now they start trading punches, they trade a few recipes, then back to punches.
Pancho with a left,
Boyer with a right,
a left,
a right,
a left,
a right,
ten HUT!
Abo-o-out face!
Forwa-a-a-ard Harch!
And they’re marching around the ring.
Boyer breaks formation and nails Pancho with a crushing uppercut.
The challenger is stunned, he’s dazed, he’s confused.
He’s bewitched, bothered and bewildered,
he’s bedazzled, he’s bamboozled, he’s befuddled,
he’s totally discombobulated! Wait! Now he’s recombobulated.
Pancho’s shaking out the cobwebs,
he’s walking it off, he’s getting his bearings,
he stops and asks for directions, he pulls out a map, he’s back on track.
He signals he’s okay, he shrugs it off, and then he falls down flat on his face.
He gets the three count. One! ...Two! ...Two and a half!... Two and three quarters!
Boyer doesn’t like what he sees and he walks over and drop kicks the ref in the nuts!
Then he starts stomping on Pancho’s head. That wakes him up! Pancho’s gotten to his knees, he pulls out a little box, he opens it, it’s a RING!

Pancho: Boyer, will you marry me, Dude?

Boyer: Yes, Pancho. I will marry you! I.. I love you man!

This is beautiful! Boyer accepts! He helps pancho to his feet. They’re about to kiss! Ladies and gentleman this is truly a touching moment...

Oohh! And Pancho delivers a CRUSHING right to the chin of the champion! And Boyer hits the canvas like a 30 pound sack of monkey shit! And he’s out like a fop at a gay pride parade! AMAZING! The crowd goes WILD!!!

And the winner! By a knockout, at the end of round two... The new heavyweight champion of the world...


by numbsain

No comments: