Wednesday, February 27, 2008

SCHOOL DAYS with numbsain

My first day at school was definitely a learning experience. First thing I learned was that kindergarten didn't have a detention hall or a juvenile hall. I'm like; “Where are they gonna send me, to jail?" The kids were all total wimps. Even the bully was only passive aggressive. He wouldn't
take your lunch money, he'd sit there and stare at it and say "Are you gonna spend all that on lunch?"

I had already mastered milk & cookies and naptime was a total yawn...Actually, nap time was upskirts time! Checkin' out teachers kinder garters! I may have been only five, but I knew a hot mama when I saw one. I mean girlfriend had some tiggity ol' biggity's and a ba-dunk-a-dunk bootoogity to boot. They called me David Cop-a-feel cause I used slight-of-hand.

Show and tell? Sheeit, I had that shit down. But I'm like; “If I'm showing the damn thing why the hell do I have to tell about it too?” It should be show
“or” tell. Or in my case, when I showed, they'd usually tell. Other kids would be like;

“Today, I brought a fuzzy little...” And I'd be like;
“Yeah, no shit Sherlock. We can see it's a frikkin' bunny., yo shit is old.” So he'd go;
“Well, do you know what rabbits do more than any other animal?” I'd be all;
“Hey, hey, hey! That was what I was gonna show! Set yo monkey ass down!”

So then it's my turn. I get up there;
“Allright how y'all doin' tonight? I'll need help from an audience member, you there miss, what's your name, darlin?' ...Tiffany? Your dad in the jewelry business? No? Well I'd love to have breakfast with you sometime. Should I call you or just nudge you? You know you're very beautiful, Tiffany. Come right on up here. Why don't you go ahead and take off your clothes for me, sweetheart.” The teacher's all like;
“NUMBSAIN!!” So I'm like;
“SHUT UP BITCH! I got the stage for 3 minutes, you got the whole damn rest of the show why you gotta step on my shit? OW! Easy on the ear, I just had that pierced!” She's like;
“Enough of your lip!” So I'm like;
“I'm gettin that done tomorrow!” So she's all;
“Are you quite finished young man.” So I go;
“I'm gettin' my Prince Albert this weekend and then I'm done.”

So they made a little makeshift detention hall just for me. I broke outta that shit in a minute. It got better though. It just took some adjustment from all the sex and violence at home. I thought all chicks were like mom and it was a shock the first time I saw a girl without a penis. Kindergarten ended up being pretty easy for me. Especially by the third time, I had that shit down. But the important thing that school taught me was socialization. I didn't realize that with teachers, kids aren't supposed to talk back...or talk dirty...or break into their house and rape them, nobody told me this.

I mean, she's all turned around writin' on the blackboard in those big cursive swirls that make that fine-ass booty jiggle just ever so slightly in that tight wool skirt with the VPL and all, LAWD HAVE MERCY! Then when she bends over my desk to give me a gold star and I get that little peek of cleavage, DAYUM! It's enough to make a five year old like me get pubic my teeth! You better not make me stand up and then make me stand up in front of the class.

I'll never forget the time I brought her an apple and she thought it had a worm in it. That ain't no worm, baby’. Give me a few years and I'll bring you a watermelon with an anaconda in it! Scared the shit outta me when she bent over to take a bite.

Other kids had scholastic achievement stickers on the cars. Ours had one:


Then later, I did well in high school. For tests, I always scored the best grade possible and came in higher than any other student. I was the head of the class. With the stuff I had, I was wasted at that school that's why I had trouble focusing sometimes. But when times were tough I just dealt. And I grew a lot and it was all good.

I realized the academic subjects taught in elementary school were so elementary, it was academic whether I learned them or not. When I graduated though, it did bring out a side of me they hadn't seen backside!

No comments: