"Much ado" (about nothing at all)-Political Song 3

Sung to "Making Love" (out of nothing at all)

-Air Supply-

(This song is dedicated to all you Ohio voters who boldly pulled down your pants and screwed the pooch last night! After all the talk of NAFTA, lost jobs in Ohio, poor state economy, and trade concerns, you went out and voted for one of the loudest mouthpieces FOR NAFTA! Great show! Way to rock the vote! So we here at Goldmind's Unwind want to salute you!)

(Hillary sings)

" I know just how to spin this

I know just how to lie.

I know just how to use the news

to pull the wool over your eyes!

I'll pretend that I hate NAFTA

It will be my latest scheme

And if you refer to my voting record

then I'll claim it's just a dream.

And I know that you will buy it

Anything that I tell you

Because as voters you're no smarter

Then a pile of dog poo

And I'll tell you I"m your savior

And I'll tell you not to cry

And I'll tell your moron ears

anything they want to hear

Just to get your fucking vote on my side.

I know the road to the White House

Lies through you slackjawed rubes

And in this diorama

there's no room for Obama

Who cares if he's black, I got boobs!

So I fooled the voters of Ohio

Yet I'm still set up to take a fall

So I'll scream about my minor victory

and make much ado out of nothing at all

(much ado)

Out of nothing at all"

(repeat)

(The voters sing)

"Everytime we see you on our big screen TV

we see the goat horns growing out of your hair.

But the media loves you, and licks your sagging woo woo

so we don't care.

We're searching for our minds, but they're useless and lost

and so we look up to a leader like you

You can use us like we're mindless machines

We're putty in your hands, you are our queen

We gotta follow you 'cause everything we know, you could engrave upon the head of a pin"

(O'bama sings)

"I love to watch you hedge and stumble

While I sit back and cock block

As I tally my delegates, night after night

And hear the dwindling sound of your clock.

Why would you make this race forever?

Why don't you concede your momentum is gone?

Why don't you take a long drive with my good friend Ted Kennedy

And become a book that a movie's based on.

What I'm trying to say here is Hillary

You really make my skin crawl

And I'm so sick of listening to your shit

Much ado...about nothing at all.

(much ado)

About nothing at all

(repeat)

Why you should Pickapetaperson? (Pick a PETA person)

Lonely? Been single for a while? Tired of playing the bar hopping game? Well.....usually it's not the policy of Goldmind's unwind to offer dating advice, but since we've tried it first hand, guys, let us recommend that you.........pickapetaperson!!!!! Here's why:

1. Your personal PETA person (PPP) is always ready to protest at the drop of a bloody slaughterhouse axe! This means that whoosh! Off come the clothes and whoosh! Up go the "naked for fur" signs! Gentlemen! What more could you ask for? A ready made naked date! Talk about compliant!

2. Your PPP is against EVERYTHING fur. That means she (or he if that's your flavor) will be shaved. "There". KnowwhatI"msayin?

3. Remember those expensive dates where you had to spring for "the lobster" or "the fillet Mignon" just for a 30% chance of getting those panties off? Not anymore! Your PPP will only require that you spring for "the house salad" or "the asparagus stalk"! And there's a 100% chance you'll get those panties off! Because she's not wearing any! In case of a protest!

4. By their very nature, PETA people tend to reject the natural order of things. Use this to your advantage! Introduce an entire vegetable garden into your foreplay! Marry her sister to a sheep! Have a weekly regression day where you are aloud to act apelike without repercussion! A little chaos is good for every relationship.

5. Her parents getting on your nerves? EASY solution. Slip a couple of LL Bean catalogues onto her parents' coffee table when no one is looking. Then make a big fuss over them. Your PPP will be so enraged she'll cut herself off from her family indefinitely!

6. Get caught cheating? No problem....just tell your PPP that, in the dark, you thought your mistress was a poodle. Be prepared for a tearful apology session for her overreaction from your PPP.

7. Tired of nagging or talk about "feelings" in the middle of your football game? Just tell your PPP at kickoff time that the local Walmart started introducing real fur into their winter wear. While she's gone protesting and getting arrested, enjoy your game in peace. Just rember to post bail the next time you're horny.

8. Her parents REALLY pissing you off? Take a baseball bat to them. Then immediately go tell your PPP that you saw her father kick a dog while her mom laughed. She won't even call the cops on you.

9. Growing old with your PPP is enjoyable too. If she gets Alzheimer's, you can feed her bites of hamburger hash while you smile deep in your wicked heart.

10. If you ever get really bored, photoshop a mink shawl over your PPP's favorite singer/actress. Then leave the picture lying around in an obvious place. Just sit back and watch the hysterical tears pour out as yet another great joy of her life is stripped from her.

All in all gents, you can't beat a good old fun loving PPP for a life mate. If you can get used to eating all that roughage and pooping out little raisins for the rest of your life, then you'll find no person more loyal, naive, and ridiculously open to manipulation than your PPP. Oh. And Naked too. Did I mention naked?

State of the Blog Site Address

By Cheese

My fellow Bloggers. In the spirit of American politics, I stand before you today to address the state of this blog site and it's current writers. (who, incidentally, should be applauded for NOT being on strike) There has been a firestorm of controversy that has, shall we say, molested "Goldmind's Unwind" in recent weeks and some issues need to be tackled once and for all. Let me just say in general, that the state of this blog site is severely warped. And it's prognosis is sickly at best. In other words, it's right where we want it to be! (pause for applause)

First and foremost, I want to clear up some hurtful gossip involving myself. (It's my blog entry so I'll use ego and put myself first thank you very much!) I have received your emails regarding my posts and I am inclined to make a few responses. Foambubble36, you and your hotmail account are on the forefront of my mind. While it's true that my grasp of the English language is tenuous at best, and while it's also true that I am a vulgar degenerate, there is no way you could possibly know all those things about my mother and several illicit members of the animal kingdom. The evidence to support your claims is circumstantial at best. MarkP at Hammertoe.net, all I can say is that my alcoholism is off limits! Do I write you emails referencing your chronic masturbation syndrome? Of course not! I have taste! Diseases are not funny! And lastly dad, I received your email too. And all I can say is same to you! What ever happened to family support? You've been a real tool since your secretary gave you syphilis, you know that?

But I digress. There are other things I need to get off my chest here today, and I cannot afford to interrupt myself. For instance, the photographs of Numbsain and I in various compromising positions that were leaked to babyoil.com. Now, ladies and gentleman, I am not a heartless man, but I AM an opportunist. With the very recent passing of Heath Ledger and the insider knowledge that Brokeback Mountain 2 was in it's beginning production stages, I encouraged Numbsain to pose in some risque photographs that were to be sent as a pictorial audition for the vacant movie role! That is all! I categorically deny receiving any enjoyment from those photographs and chalk up my euphoric expression to exceptionally good acting. I cannot, however, speak for Numbsain. Or his cute dimples.

But enough about me! There is other skulduggery taking place that needs to be addressed. The mysterious absence of the site's namesake has led to widespread speculation and rampant rumormongering by blog muckrakers everywhere. Shame on you! Goldmind has been located and is very safe where he is at. Your speculation that he changed his gender and became an Albright or that he is the male Jennifer Flowers of the current Clinton campaign was way off base and demeaning. And double shame on you cheeseisreallywritingthis.com! As if making outlandish claims somehow makes up for your lack of facts! Joined the cast of Riverdance indeed! Bah! All of you are lucky that Goldmind has a penchant for kleptomania and is indisposed for the next 5-8 years due to poor legal representation, I'll tell you that! There'd be hell to pay otherwise!

And even our poor Guinness failed to escape the gossip mill. The new Heidi Fliess? Are you kidding me? Guinness is a saint! A darling! She's so pure that she wore white before and after her Hustler photo shoot! None of you are fit to shine her knee high leather boot! To feel the lash of her cat o' nine tails!

Time to wind down. My blood pressure is now at it's boiling point. It has not escaped me that I have somewhat gotten away from the state of the actual blog site itself, but the firestorm of controversy simply had to be addressed.

As to the site itself, it is consistent. Economically it is as broke as ever with no plan in place to rectify that. Socially, we are inept, confused, isolationists who go home after another awkward day at work and torture whoever we have tied up in our cellar. Educationally, the site is lacking in anything but rudimentary cunning and poo poo jokes. In terms of foreign policy, the site is in English so it his highly discriminatory towards all foreigners. And on the controversial topic of immigration, we here at the site have vowed to outsource at least 30% of our jokes to illegal immigrants in an effort to thwart government attempts to stop the employment of illegals.

Por que el pollo cruzo el camino?

Para conseguir al otro lado.

So my fellow bloggers. As we look ahead on the coming year, Goldmind's Unwind hopes to continue providing you the same low brow, irresponsible, sick minded humor laced with vulgarity that we've always given. It is this level of perseverance that has inspired you to hate us so and slander our collective reputations at every given opportunity. And for this we sincerely thank you.

El Cheesemo.

Practicing Banal Sex; A message from your president

By George W. Bush

Ladies and gentleman, the only recreational activity out there that has been in existence since the dawn of time is fornification. That's right. I'm talking about biblical relations between members of oppositional or similar sexes. Now I know that typically discussions of this nature fall outside of the borders of presidential duties. But I wanted to talk to you because, as of late, some disturbing information has been crossing my desk here in the oval office. Which is really oblongated. But I guess the oblong office wouldn't sound very historic, would it? But I digress.

It seems there has been a trend amongst both heterosexual and homosexual couples to frequently engage in blatant overt banal sex. Now, my fellow Americans, this is not natural. Whether you believe fornification is for the purpose of procreation or just for the pleasure of whiling away a Saturday afternoon, you must agree that partaking in one another banally is not acceptable behavior. Nor is it sanitary.

The documents I've been reading report the use of such practices as a "missionary position" and "virginal inner course". This is disturbing to say the least, America. Despite what past presidential administrations have taught us, there are morals governing the act of recreational fornification. And I cannot stress to you enough the importance of abstaining from banal inner course.

We are involved in a war on terror. There is nothing that the enemy would love to see more than our moral collapse, and I need not remind you that we are already viewed dubiousiosly because of certain photos of prisoners being mistreated in our war camps. If the enemy knew that the issue of banal sex was eroding our morals like a cancer from within, they would strike at us while we are weak.

So, as your president, I must appeal to you America. Please cease the practice of banal sex. Go back to the traditional methods of fornification; man on top, woman lying docilely beneath. Or if you feel crazy, roll over. hehehe. But seriously, fornificating banally is immoral, unsanitary, and beneath the standards of America. And from what I understand, it can lead to a shortage of lubrication for those who really need it.

I'm asking for your help to make the last year of my presidency a banal free one. Let's take the inner course here and rise above the moral declines that are assailing us in every direction. Thank you.



(Editor's note: Since the submission of this publication by President Bush, it has been discovered that the documents crossing his desk were of a dubious nature. Left behind by previous president Clinton, these documents were entitled "Penthouse forum" and written by such pollsters and presidential aides as "Dick Ramrod" and "Kenna Lingus". The trends suggested by those documents are now a topic of debate. But we here at Goldmind's unwind continue to encourage an end to all banal sex. Try something kinky instead!)

Political Parody- Song 2

Goldmind's Unwind on Tour

(pictured below)

Recently, the writers at Goldmind's unwind had been asked by numerous readers and publicists to go on tour with our "act". Song Parodies, top ten lists, news flinches, holiday anecdotes, and secret pictures of Hillary Clinton nude sunbathing have headlined our tour to date. We were even able to stop for some tour photos, like the one above. Before you even ask, I'm the cute one. But I digress. In honor of the Goldmind Unwind American Tour, I, the cheese, wanted to share with you a previously unreleased hit in honor of Campaign '08.

"I Will Survive" (the voter's song)

(The democrat sings)

At first I was amazed,
I was mystified.
Kept thinking I had gone insane
Or that my eyes had lied
I’d spent so many nights
Wonderin’ who the dems would run
Which hired gun?
To get the big job done,
But what the hell?
Are they on crack?
They trucked out that scary fossil
With the hair all on her back
I’m gonna change the way I vote
I’m gonna run from Hillary
I’m gonna make a sign for Nader
And I’ll join the Green Party

But wait now whoa!
Just hold the door
Who’s this Obama?
Oh…another ramrod bore
We could be winning this election
Instead we’re gonna die
Like I’d vote for another Clinton
Or an inexperienced black guy
Oh no, not I!
I will survive!
I’ll find a candidate to love
Not a witch who fakes a cry
When she’s losing in the polls
When she’s raked over the coals
Oh yeah she lies
But I will survive (hey hey)

(and the republican sings)

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
When I turned the TV on
And saw Mitt Romney’s broken heart
I spent so many nights
Wanting to comfort his hot wife
And stroke her gorgeous melons
While I sell shares of Metlife
My Wall street dream!
But now here’s Mccain!
Pining for the oval office
In his insanity again
How many times do you have to fail
Before you give up quietly?
And who’s that yuppie playing guitar?
What the hell’s a Huckabee?

Well holy Christ!
Just hold the phone!
What a lousy freak show,
all of them vying for the throne.
Just who’s the one who is responsible for this lot?
In this grand old party,
Is this the best we got?
A slow mormon?
A disturbed vet?
A banjo wielding right wing nut,
Am I making my point yet?
I”ve got all my life to wonder
Will the GOP go on
Will we survive?
Will we survive? (oh)

(and they both sing)

Sonofabitch!
What is the deal?
America’s asking itself
“Is this shit for real?”
Who is the moron who picks out these candidates?
Are they the product
Of relatives who fornicate?
Well, for one, not I!
We will survive!
If we have to move to Canada
And change our name to “Guy”
We’ve had it up to here
With the same shit every year
But we’ll survive
We will survive
We will survive……

Campaign '08, Song 1

"Sayin' A lie"

(sung to the tune of "Staying Alive"

with apologies to Barry Gibb)

Well you can tell by the way I'm losin' ground

The country's sick of me, don't want me around

They used to think I was elite

But Barack's using my face to wipe his feet

But it's alright, that's OK

I ain't gonna fade away

I'll just lie and cheat and scam

Until I've remade all that I am

We taught the whole nation

dishonest disertation

just by sayin' a lie, sayin' a lie

Hubby mastered all this

sayin' he don't know what "is" is

he was sayin' a lie, sayin' a lie

Ah ha ha ha

Sayin' a lie, Sayin' a lie

Ah ha ha ha

Sayin a lie.

(verse 2)

My chances are low but my hopes are high

I've ignored advice that I shouldn't try

Got residual effects from war imprisonment

and my sanity's long since absent

but that's alright, that's ok

I'll run for president anyway

Maybe while staring at Hillary

Voters will forget what's wrong with me

Will I be a power glutton

If I hold the red button

Gonna flay em' alive, flay em' alive

Mental faculties are all gone

Gonna get revenge on Saigon

Yes we'll flay em' alive. Flay em' alive.

Ah ha ha ha

flay em' alive, flay em' alive

Ah ha ha ha

Flay em' alive.

(and the voter's sing)

We're going nowhere.....somebody help us yeah