1. If your grocery store selection only offered these three fruit choices, which would you purchase?
A- A banana
B- Two firm plums
C- A soft fuzzy peach with a warm hollowed out center
2. You're at a bar and have been hitting on a tall leggy brunette all night. You are close to sealing the deal to get her back to your place, but just as you're about to go, the bartender warns you she's actually a man. You...
A. Make up an excuse, leave the bar, and resign yourself to another weekend of masturbation.
B. Revise your plans and decide to stop at oral
C. Rush to the pet store and buy a pair of gerbils
3. You put the new comedy you just rented into the dvd player and realize that the store accidentally put the wrong disc in the box as the opening scene of a porn movie begins to play. You...
A. Turn the movie immediately off, return it to the store, and file a complaint with the manager
B. Decide that you weren't in the mood for a comedy anyway and go get a box of tissues for the session to come.
C. Smile with fondness at the memories you made while directing this movie
4. You take viagara for a hot date and experience an erection lasting longer than 4 hours. You...
A. Call your doctor as is advised.
B. Use the side effect to your advantage as you go for round 2 through 20 with your partner
C. Film the event for posterity, brag to all your friends, and charge around your office at work yelling "VIVA LA PENIS!"
5. You meet some coworkers at a strip bar on a Friday night. You have a few drinks and get to enjoying yourself, when on to the stage, dressed as a naughty nurse, walks your sister. You....
A. Throw your coat over her, carry her out to the parking lot, and lecture her about ways to make an extra buck that do not involve embarrassing the family
B. Pretend to find an interesting bug on the floor that you proceed to stare at for the duration of the next song, while making a mental note to bring this up in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner as revenge for your sister being a tattletale while growing up.
C. Sigh in boredom as you've "been there done that."
6. Your idea of "adventurous" is....
A. Doggy Style
B. A midget
C. A Doberman
7. Your girlfriend decides to surprise you for Valentine's Day by bringing her friend along for a menage a trois. Your reaction is...
A. Embarrassment at having to perform for two women
B. Excitement at having to perform for two women
C. to nudge your girlfriend's mom over in the bed to make room for the two of them.
8. You find people who flash others while dressed in trench coats to be:
A. Dangerous and disgusting members of society who should be incarcerated
B. Role models for sexual freedom and lack of inhibition
C. Unimaginative bores who need to find more interesting ways to get their rocks off like auto-erotic asphyxiation.
9. While growing up, if you had a question about sex, you would.....
A. try to read about the answer in some dry medical periodical.
B. Openly ask your parents using uninhibited slang terminology
C. Experiment on mom while she was sleeping
10. To you, the term "pervert" means...
A. From the Latin Pervare, meaning "out of the norm"
B. I've been caught peeping in the neighbor's windows again.
C. I can't look it up with someone sitting on my face
Give yourself 1 point for every "A" answer. 2 points for every "B" answer. 3 points for every "C" answer.
10-16 points- Mr. Missionary position. Your lack of imagination and perversity puts us to sleep just thinking about your gyrations....or lack thereof.
17-24 points- Congrats! While a whip, chain, or strap on is not out of the question, at least the sheep are safe. Except for maybe that cute one with the blue eyes....
25-30 points- 655-1000. That's my phone number. Call me. I need tips.
