The Andy Rooney Holiday Special

"The Holiday Report"- Andy Rooney

Normally, I would not waste the time that I have left to me by writing holiday crap and bending your ears with the musings of a grinch like old fart, but my confidante and possibly illegitimate son "Cheddar" called in a favor. And what the hell kind of name is Cheddar anyway? Does anyone reading this buy the fact that someone's parents would so blatantly name their child after a dairy creation? And if you do believe that, are you part of what's wrong with society? Or is the fact that you can believe it at all, actually what's wrong with society? Think about it.

The holidays. In the Rooney household, during the days of my youth, Christmas was celebrated in abject poverty. Our parents saved all year to provide me and my six siblings each with an orange and a freshly darned pair of socks. Notice I did not say knit, I said darned. That's right. They were last years socks patched up. We had not heard of Tickle me Elmo, Beanie Babies, Cabbage Patch Kids, and Virgil's prison playset complete with droppable soap. Even if we HAD heard of them, the Rooney kids would have been eating their oranges in freshly repaired socks; watching all the other kids play with their yearly fads in disgusting earnest. Suffering was a badge of honor in the Rooney household, and you wore it proudly. Of course, being inexperienced in the commercial gadgetry of Christmas, does leave me with several lingering questions.

For instance, what is a "furby"? It was always my understanding that this was a slang term for female genitalia, but the next thing I know all the kids are getting them for Christmas. Either there is a pedophilia related orgy going on in this country, or my definition is somewhat mistaken.

Speaking of orgies, where did this whole mistletoe thing originate? Some group of horny guys hung foliage over their heads and demanded foreplay in the name of holiday spirit? If that actually worked, why don't we see it tried more often? The President's day Mistletoe, the Colombus day mistletoe, the flag day mistletoe. Don't just go for the gusto in December boys, go for the freebie all year! After all, there is cameltoe all year, why not mistletoe?

And why does every doll a girl gets these days have to wet itself? Just walking down the aisles looking for a present for my granddaughter, I saw box after box of plastic baby proudly proclaiming it's incontinence. Are we preparing our little girls for a lifetime in nursing the elderly? Making them think that wetting oneself is "cute"? Believe me, when I mistakenly saturate my trousers, no one gets in line to buy me. Or fights over the right to dry my "whoopsy". What kind of statement are we making here?

And then there's New Years. As if the gluttony of a Thanksgiving feast, christmas cookies and fudge, the christmas goose, numerous office luncheons, and spiked egg nog isn't enough, we feel compelled to finish off our overindulgence in one final bender. Pop open the first bottle on December 31st and still be sleeping off the hangover on January 2nd. Are we dedicated to bringing in the new year in an alcohol induced coma because we know the year can only get better from there? Or do we embalm ourselves only to forget our transgressions in the year past? And is it any wonder we feel the need to make hollow resolutions after the 6 week period of gluttony from Thanksgiving to New Years? During this period, many asses grow to the size of swollen Halloween pumpkins, and we feel compelled to diet so that we may repeat our self abuse next year. Why don't we all save some time and just resolve to continue our self abuse in a consistent manner? Or resolve to try bulimia?

All in all, as the song says, it's the most wonderful time of the year. On display is blatant alcoholism, gross dietary irresponsibility, thoughtless comsumer spending, and self serving college bowl games that only the alumni of podunk state care at all about. It is the time for dysfunctional families the world over to get together in tension laden situations and share barbs of sarcasm over holiday punch. It's the time to watch the moral collapse of society while smugly sipping your eggnog and fondling your plastic tree. Happy Holidays America. Why not enjoy an orange in your trailworn socks in honor of yours truly?

Btw, Cheddar. I hope this puts paid to our debt so that you can stop spamming my email box and calling my home. At my age, I just want solitude. Keep up the pestering, and the next thing you'll find under your own mistletoe will be my prostate.

-Andy

Investigative Reports: A followup

by Cheddar

Ladies and gentleman, I, Cheddar, recently posted a startling email that began a chain of events that can only be described as earth shattering. I have all but confirmed that Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates, and Woody Allen are one in the same individual, running a triumvirate of power unequaled in any other facet of society. But, ladies and gentlemen, this discovery is merely the tip of the iceberg! It turns out that we, the general public, have been duped by other individuals playing multiple roles, and all for very different reasons. In each case, the magic number appears to be three; as in three different personas. Nevertheless, the cunning involved is monumental! I can confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that the following individuals, whom I hereby dub "The Axis of Evil," are all pulling the wool over our eyes! Pay heed! Truly notice the similarities.



If these photographs aren't representative of the "Axis of Evil," I don't know what is. Now, separately, these photos may spark recognition in you. The first person pictured hosted "The View" for a while. The second was on a long running show with John Goodman. The third hacked off a stranded writer's foot in a famous movie. But what you did NOT know, until looking at these photographs, is that they are all the same person! I do not know what "it's" real name is. I do not know what "it" does in "it's" spare time. But I do have an as yet unconfirmed reason for this tableau. It is speculated among underground theorists that playing the role of three persons allows this individual the ability to harass Tom Selleck in triplicate! All without his knowledge!



Now here are "three" sinister looking individuals. Or is it? Look again! Notice the flaring nostrils. The gleaming pate. The painted mouth! It's the same person....or robot! That's right! The almost leader of the free world and Nobel sympathy prize winner and the shrewd but satanic owner of the New York Yankees are actually just synthetic flesh over metal endoskeleton! Kind of like the terminator, only boring! With no gun! And a lot of hot air! Why, you ask? Well, that goes back to Hawking/Gates/Allen. This robot was created using Hawking's know-how and Gates's technology to run for president. It could be an excellent monotone and room killing bore, so all that was needed was the cash flow that a run at the White House required. Hence came the "Steinbrenner" programming. This persona single-handedly financed Gore's White House run with still enough money left over to sign Alex Rodriguez. A brilliant robot indeed. Hawking/Gates/Allen's greatest attempt to grab control of the country and, more importantly, control of the nuclear "button" failed only because he underestimated the complete stupidity of Floridians. The laugh is on you "Axis of Evil"! Ha!



"Whoa!" You say. "Wait a second, Cheddar!" you say. "This can't be right!" You say. Many have known for a while that pictures one and three are synonyms, true. But the guy from "Barney Miller?" Abe?

Allow me to defend my research here. Abe Vigoda was long known as a "personable guy." Liked by everyone he came in contact with. Influenced all those around him positively. Had the charisma of a thousand Alexander the Greats. Sound familiar? That's right bible thumpers! The Anti-Christ! Take heed.

Take Bin Laden and shave his beard mentally. What do you see? That's right! The middle picture! The information has been there for you people all along. You've just needed a true diligent investigative reporter like yours truly to start linking the facts and making sense of the chaos. And before you dismiss picture number three as just a visual gag and not a real "third persona," ask yourself: Why haven't we found Osama Vigoda yet? Hmm?" It's hard to assassinate "someone" who can morph themselves into a shiny turd at will! I mean who'd think to shoot a floater? Eh?

Okay ladies and gentleman. For me, the investigation continues. I have more evidence at my fingertips that we have been duped by even more individuals than what's listed here, but my vow is that I will leave no stone unturned in my search for truth! And you the reader WILL know all that I know! Have a happy Holiday!

Test Your Knowledge of American Pop Culture

by numbsain

Which of these is not a breakfast cereal:
1. Post Sugar Crisp
2. Kellogg's Corn Flakes
3. Hall and Oates
4. Fruity Pebbles

Which of these is not a wine:
1. Cabernet Sauvignon
2. Pinot Noir
3. Hannibal Lecter
4. Merlot

Which of these is not a car:
1. Pontiac Lemans
2. Buick Skylark
3. Daewoo Leganza
4. Carmen Electra

Which of these is not a dog breed:
1. Doberman Pincher
2. Irish Setter
3. Jack Russel Terrier
4. Luke Skywalker

Which of these is not a personality disorder:
1. Manic Depressive
2. Passive Aggression
3. Worker's Compensation
4. Obsessive Compulsive

Which of these is not a soft drink:
1. Coca Cola
2. Sprite
3. Dr Jeckle
4. Fanta

Which of these is not a venereal disease:
1. Gonorrhea
2. Hepatitis B
3. Syphilis
4. Hercules

Which one of these does not play the blues:
1. T-Bone Walker
2. Blind Lemon Jefferson
3. Salvation Army
4. Jimmy Witherspoon

Which of these is not a breath mint:
1. Tic Tacs
2. Hemorrhoids
2. Altoids
3. Breathsavers

Which of these is not a dinosaur:
1. Stegosaurus
2. Diplodicus
3. Thesaurus
4. Tyrannosaurus Rex

Which of these is not a musical instrument:
1. Guitar
2. Clarinet
3. Scrotum
4. Trumpet

Which of these is not a detergent brand:
1. All
2. Cheer
3. Tide
4. Flan

Which of these is not a insect:
1. Beetle
2. Wasp
3. Cricket
4. Picachu

Which of these is not a ice cream flavor:
1. Rocky Road
2. French Vanilla
4. Carpal Tunnel
5. Pecan Praline

Which of these is not a board game:
1. Monopoly
2. Scrabble
3. Foreplay
4. Clue

Which of these is not a pain killer:
1. Vicadin
2. Morphine
3. Romulin
4. Valium

Which of these is not a rapper:
1. Snoop Dogg
2. Fitty Cent
3. Macaroni head
4. M&M

Which of these is not a candy bar:
1. Culottes
2. Almond Joy
3. Snickers
4. Three Musketeers

Which of these is not a drink:
1. Vodka Tonic
2. Martini
3. Margarita
4. Glib Midget

Which of these is not a cold cut:
1. Bologna
2. Salami
3. Liverwurst
4. Parcheesi

Which of these is not a desert:
1. Mojave
2. Serengeti
3. Sahara
4. Verizon

Which of these is not an animal:
1. Hippopotamus
2. Giraffe
3. Leopard
4. Elephant Man

Which of these is not a fish:
1. Albacore Tuna
2. Rainbow Trout
3. Goldmind
4. Red Snapper

Famous Quotes Quiz

Here's a multiple choice quiz to see how well you remember unimportant things famous people said. If you remember every one of these quotes correctly, chances are you've forgotten something important. Like how many children you have. To check your score, you'll find the correct number to the left of the right quote. Good luck!

-by numbsain... Well, do ya punk?!

Charlton Heston said:
1. SOYLENT GREEN HAS TRANSFAT!!!
2. SOY BEANS ARE EVIL!!
3. COLLARD GREENS EAT PEOPLE!!!
4. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!

Charlton Heston said:
1. Get your greedy hands off my butt you damn dirty ape!
2. Take your filthy sandwiches and never come back Mildred!
3. Get your filthy paws off me you damn dirty ape!
4. Unhand me you big hairy gorilla!

Jack Nicholson said:
1. The fruit?! You can't HAVE all the fruit!
2. Vermouth?! You can't be all out of vermouth!
3. The flute?! You call that playing the flute?
4. The truth?! You can't handle the truth!

Jack Nicholson said:
1. Yeah, hold my chicklets between yer tits!
2. Yeah, hold the chicken between your knees!
3. You like chicken? Wait until you get a load of these!
4. Just gimme the flapjacks and there better be a smiley face on it!

Sean Connery said:
1. Bond, Hymie Bond.
2. Bond, James Bond.
3. Blond, dumb Blond.
4. Danger is my middle name, Melvin's my game.

Clark Gable said:
1. Frankie my dear, I hate River Dance.
2. Franklin you queer, I'm not wearing pants.
3. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
4. Frappuccino my dear? I don't like the damn things.

Judy Garland said:
1. Rhinos and peacocks and yaks, how cool!
2. Herpes and syphilis and crabs, oh shit!
3. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
4. Leather and handcuffs and whips, oh boy!

Judy Garland said:
1. Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
2. Frankly Toto, I don't give a damn if we're in Kansas anymore.
3. Toto, get your filthy paws off me you damn dirty dog!
4. Tattoo, show our guests to their cabins.

Rodney King said:
1. Can't we all just get a bunch of pizzas and pig out?
2. I have a dream...
3. Can't you kids just play nice?
4. Can't we all just get along?

Jackie Gleason said:
1. One of these days Alice, I'm gonna beat the shit out of you!
2. One of these days Alice, I'm gonna learn to act!
3. One of these days Alice, BOINK! Right in the kiester!
4. One of these days Alice, POW! Right in the kisser!

Tom Hanks said:
1. Whitney Houston, you have a drug problem.
2. Houston, somethin' jumped up and bit me!
3. One of these day's Houston... Bang! Zoom! Straight to the moon.
4. Houston, we have a problem.

Dezi Arnaz said:
1. We'll still be here: a starving Mexican and a half eaten brunette.
2. We'll still be here: a stunning blonde and a damn dirty ape.
3. We'll still be here: a starving Cuban and a dirty brunette.
4. We'll still be here; a lousy actor and a dirty ho.

James Earl Jones said;
1. Luke, I'm your mother.
2. Look, up in the sky...
3. Luke, I don't give a damn.
4. Luke I'm your father.

Lassie said:
1. Meo-o-o-w purr purr.
2. Bark! ...Bark-Bark!
3. Cock-a-doodle-doo-o-o!
4. I'm not an animal, I'm a human being!

Lon Chaney Jr. said:
1. Mortuary! Mortuary!
2. Sanitary! Sanitary!
3. Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
4. Why don't you come up and see me some time?

Robert DeNiro said:
1. I coulda been a contender.
2. I coulda had a V8.
3. I coulda been a ballerina.
4. Adri-i-a-a-a-an!

Robert DeNiro said:
1. Are we talking?
2. Are you talking to me?
3. Am I talking to you? I don't think so.
4. Can we talk?

James Dean said:
1. You're tearing me a new asshole!
2. You're tearing my new shirt!
3. You're ripping me up into teensy weensy pieces!
4. You're tearing me apart!

Clint Eastwood said:
1. Ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya punk?!
2. Are you feelin' lucky? GIT YER HANDS OFF MY DOG! C'mere lucky, did he hurt you boy?
3. Ask yourself one question: "Do I feel hungry? Well, you wanna go grab a bite?
4. Go ahead PUNK! Make me queen for a day ...

Marlon Brando said:
1. I'll make him a omelette he can't digest.
2. I'll give him a hickey he can't explain.
3. I'll make him an offer he can't refuse.
4. I'll make him an offer, and if he refuses, he can keep his lousy candy bar wrapper!

Dustin Hoffman said:
1. I'm pimpin' here!
2. I'm walkin' here!
3. I'm ad libbin' here!
4. Hey you just ran over my foot!

Humphrey Bogart said:
1. Here's looking at you kid.
2. He was looking at me, not you, kid.
3. He looks like your kid.
4. Here's how you look kid, pretty stupid eh?

Greta Garbo said:
1. I vant to suck your blood.
2. I vant to eat a vorm.
3. I vant to be alone.
4. I vish I vas an Oscar Meyer Veiner.

Sylvester Stallone said:
1. I'm your worst nightmare.
2. I'm the worst actor.
3. I'm your fairy godmother .
4. I'm a waste of toilet paper.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said:
1. Hasta la huevos, baby.
2. Hasta la vista, baby.
3. Yo quiero taco bell, baby.
4. I'm the worst actor, baby.

Meryl Streep said:
1. A dingo stole my baby.
2. A baby ate my dingo.
3. A bimbo stole my baby.
4. D. I. N.G.O. and din-go was his name-o.

Adam West said:
1. To the dressing room Robin.
2. To the bat cave Robin.
3. To the fat farm Robert.
4. Let's go spelunking Robin.

Patrick Stewart said:
1. Make it a double number one.
2. Make it so number one.
3. Cause it to happen now number one.
4. I've got to go number one, maybe number two as well.

James Cagney said:
1. You dirty old man...
2. You stinky weasle washing fudge-packer...
3. You dirty rat...
4. You little dickens...

William Shatner said:
1. Muscles, do something...
2. Bones, do something...
3. Skin, do something...
4. Organs, don't just lie there, do something...

Popeye said:
1. Blow my brains out Olive!
2. Olive, you really blow my mind girlfriend!
3. Blow me down!
4. Go blow it out your ass!

Gary Coleman said:
1. Just what are you insinuating Willis?
2. One of these days Willis, BANG! ZOOM! To the mezzanine!
3. Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?
4. Ga-a-arsh Wilbur!