A FEW OF THE THINGS THAT I HATE

sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things"
_____________________________________________
Botox and face lifts and boob jobs on women,
Medical waste where you want to go swimmin',
Bush and his cronies deciding my fate,
These are a few of the things that I hate.

Twinkies and pop tarts and crunchy Doritos,
Transfats and dye in your bright orange cheetos,
Big fat pigs telling their wives to lose weight,
These are a few of the things that I hate.

Kids getting spanked when they need understanding,
Then when they fail they get more reprimanding,
Giving teens meds so they won't masturbate,
These are a few of the things that I hate.

When the sun shines, when life is great,
When I feel understood,
I simply remember the things that I hate,
And then I don't feel so good.

2nd chorus_____________________________________

Pop stars that show up for court in their jammies,
Rappers that thank Jesus Christ for their Grammys,
No separation between church and state,
These are a few of the things that I hate.

If you are rich then you don't need correction,
If you are poor you get lethal injection,
Marriage is legal as long as you're straight,
These are a few of the things that I hate.

Drivers on cellphones who don't pay attention,
Charges on phones bills that they failed to mention,
Groc'ry store club cards and mail in rebates,
These are a few things that everyone hates.

When my check comes, and it's not late,
When things go as they should,
I simply remember the things that I hate,
And then I don't feel so good.
____________________________________
Lyrics by numbsain's sister, jaheermi
with a little help from numbsain.

25 Worst American Bands (pray you've not heard them)

{List compiled by staff. Lft to rt: numbsain, Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness}

25. Crotch Mold Fever

24. Billy Gay and the Flamers

23. Beaver Bean Buttons

22. Obese Anorexics Obsessed with Paradox

21. Kid Glove and the Soft Peddlers

20. Jewish Tragedy

19. Heraclitis and the Clits

18. The Redneck Pick-Ups

17. The Angry Astral Projectors

16. The Vegetable Brothers

15. Nair Supply

14. The Red Hot Silly Lepers

13. Thousand Islanders Undressing

12. Prömschpien

11. Erect Homo Sapien and the Copulating Inseminators

10. Jerry Atric and the Dinofarts

9. Toe Jam

8. Steve Sphincter and the Fecal Four

7. Squashing Eggplants

6. Soundfartin'

5. Jefferson Crop Duster

4. Spittany Beers & Tuskin Jimberlink

3. Stinkfinger

2. Damp Hamster

1. Boyz2Girlz

~Cheddar, numbsain, Goldmind, Guiness

Archeologists Discover Recording of Psychiatrists Performing Rap Concert

Editor's note: The following is a startling transcription of a recently discovered phonographic recording of psychoanalysts Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung engaging in what appears to be the first "rap" ever recorded.

Now Si-gi-Sig-mund Freud that is the name I use
I said I come from a line a' bril-liant Jews
So don't be mes-sin' with me. So don't be raisin' the Reich.
'Cause I am the def psych doc who repair ya Mic.

Now twenty years ago, you know my Uncle Fred
Well now he snuck all up, into ma' ver-y bed
And just what happened there, ya' know I cannot say,
But it affect ma' view right to this very day.

So now my protégée, you know he ain't so dumb
da brotha go by the name o' DJ Jung.
So Jung an-a-lyze, So Jung take the mic,
Jung diagnose them brothers now with all your might.

My name is Jung! I got the lung!
So y'all sit back and listen to ma’ crafty tongue.
I'm gonna break ya down, transfer it right
Gonna blind you all, wit' psy-chi-a-tric light

Yo syn-chro-nic-ity…yo ancient ar-che-type…
I'll make sucka-PhDs-grab-fo-their-baby-wipes
Collective con-scious-ness…project ma’ thoughts all night
Super-ego, Id…I conquer ever’ fright

Well NOW ya know, what cha deal-in' with
So take our rap to heart or you become a myth
And take two of these, because you are a wreck
Freud and Jung are done…here's your

check…check…check

~Goldmind, numbsain

Beatles Parody time

by Goldmind

HEY DUDE

Hey, Dude, don't feel so sad

You drank Mad Dog;

but don’t feel better.

Remember, you let her into your heart

Now you’re apart. So much the better.

Hey, Dude, don't be afraid,

You were not made to go out and get her.

The minute you start to go out with your kin,

The DA begins, to write you a letter.

And when it’s time that they arraign,

hey Dude, refrain

Don't carry that girl off on your shoulders

Hey don't you know that it’s not cool, to stare and drool

I know, I saw, your rap sheet folder

Hey, Dude! You put that down

That gun is loaded, I’m just the messenger

Remember, you let her into your heart

You’re not so smart, don’t be a better.

So let it out and let it in, hey Dude, begin

You're not to find cousins to perform with

And don't you know that it's just you,

hey, Dude,You knew,

the law would come down on you like a boulder.

Hey, Dude, this ain’t Baghdad

This isn’t ping pong, time to do better

Remember, you let her into your heart

The rest of your life, you could be a debtor, debtor, debtor, debtor wooooooohh.

Naaah, nnaaah naaah nah nah naaaaa. Hey Dude!!