Five Top Tens for Couples

Top Ten Excuses for Premature Ejaculation

1. The FBI Covert Operations Unit trained us to “get in, do the job, and get out fast.”
   
   
2. Well, If you want dinner, all the good places are going to close soon, so I deliberately made the conscious decision to hurry up.
   
   
3. Oh, you just forgot to set the clock forward for daylight savings time. Hey, sixty-one minutes! not too shabby eh?.
   
   
4. Sorry, I..I can’t...I was just thinking about my dog, Sheppy. He died 3 years ago and I’m really not over it. Oh That? That’s just mayonaisse.
   
   
5. Hey, I won fair and square. Don’t be a sore loser.
   
   
6. It’s hereditary, my mom used to have the same problem.
   
   
7. I was faking—Ooh! My meter’s gonna run out! Be right back...in about an hour.
   
   
8. Stop complaining. In some cultures, four seconds is considered very respectable.
   
   
9. Shazam!.
   
   
10. Well, I started two hours ago. You should have been here babe, it was truly amazing.

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Top Ten Excuses for Erectile Dysfunction

1. Sorry, when you said “take me now!” it reminded me of my grandmother who's always trying to get us to drive her to Disneyworld.
   
   
2. Funny, I didn’t have any problem with the last four chicks I satisfied this afternoon.
   
   
3. Damn, I just had this thing serviced too. I’m never going to the Pep Boys again.
   
   
4. Yeah but check this out. Ever see such a gorgeous scrotum before?
   
   
5. This happens every full moon...Listen! Do you hear the wolves?
   
   
6. No, it’s working fine. Sorry, you’re just not registering on the Babe-o-meter.
   
   
7. Now what do you want me to do, think or get a hard-on? I don't have enough blood for both.
   
   
8. Gimme that! You’re not doing it right.
   
   
9. Would you look at this; somebody replaced my Viagra with salt peter!
   
   
10. YOU KILLED IT! Get out, you...you...penis killer!
    

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Top Ten Excuses for Not Being a Virgin

1. Look, I have seven brothers, what do you want from me.
   
   
2. It happened in Sex Ed class, it’s a very progressive school
   
   
3. Huh? Really? So it wasn’t a dream!
   
   
4. I said you were my first human.
   
   
5. I didn’t think kindergarten counted.
   
   
6. Are you sure? Damn, that means my premiums gonna go up.
   
   
7. Well, I’m using “The Club” now so there shouldn’t be any more problems.
   
   
8. C’mon dad. All the kids are doing it.
   
   
9. How would you know? Aha! Not so squeaky clean yourself are ya?
   
   
10. Look, I was on safari and I was captured by savages. It was either that or be sacrificed.

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Top Ten Excuses for Infidelity

1. It happened at work, honey. I had to do it to keep my job, don’t you care about that? All the top female exec’s got there by sleeping with José in the mail room.
   
   
2. Honey! She was just showing me the position she caught her husband in.
   
   
3. Jeezus, they took the CD player, my briefcase, the change out of the ashtray. Who cares if they left a pair of panties under the seat?
   
   
4. He was working under the sink and I complained about his plumber crack so he took his pants off, that’s all. Perfectly innocent.
   
   
5. I’m not Ralph. He never told you about his identical twin brother? Hi, I’m Kyle and this is my girlfriend Sherry. You must be that gorgeous wife he's always raving about. Well, we have a plane to catch. Tell him we're sorry we didn't get to see him.
   
   
6. He said he was an old friend of yours and you guys did this all the time. You’re telling me you don’t even know him?!
   
   
7. I’ll explain everything, but first just help me with these roses I got you and you like diamonds right? That’s for you. Oh, and I bought you a new Audi Sports Coupe ‘cause I thought it might be fun and this is just a few grand I had left over, put that someplace safe. Okay, now what was that problem you mentioned?
   
   
8. I was in Macy’s and the girl at the Revlon counter just started spraying me with perfume, then she starts drawing with lipstick on my collar and she must have stuffed that strand of blond hair into my shorts when I was distracted worrying about how you were gonna clean this shirt.
   
   
9. Honey, after 30 years of marriage, I’ve had enough sex for my whole life. What would I want with some 22-year-old tart?
   
   
10. What? Steve and I always watch the game in the nude. Huh? Hey, If you saw the pass Favre just threw, you’d have an erection too!

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Top Ten Excuses for Mysteriously Getting Pregnant

1. It’s a miracle! Honey, we’re the chosen ones!
   
   
2. Okay I confess. While you were having a wet dream one night, I took the liberty of...
   
   
3. Oh, it must have happened when that armored car coming from the sperm bank flipped over and there was a big spill. I happened to be walking by wearing a short skirt and I slipped in it.
   
   
4. This baby makes me nauseous, He's making me gain weight, and he makes me not want to have sex ever again...Oh he's yours alright.
   
   
5. I don’t know how this happened! I was so careful... What the... Pez? What the hell, happened to my birth control pills?!
   
   
6. Okay I should have told you this before but, I am one quarter African American and it’s a dominant gene so that’s why our baby looks like Denzell Washington. But look honey, he has your penis! ...No, it won’t get bigger, silly.
   
   
7. I knew I shouldn’t have worn your dirty underwear that time.
   
   
8. When was the last time you had your vasectomy checked? Those things can go bad on you. You gotta watch ‘em.
   
   
9. Yeah, well how do you know I’m the real mother?
   
   
10. Okay Ralph, I can’t lie to you. It was your twin brother Kyle. He totally had me fooled.

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By Numbsain Inc. “...smart people doing stupid things to make stupid people feel smart”

disclaimer: The excuses listed here, although sound and surefire, are not admissible as evidence in a court of law. Goldmind's Unwind accepts no responsibility for loss, damages, or personal injury suffered as a result of using these excuses.

20 Worst Christmas Gifts

20. Cat Velcro ... Kitty will never stray again

19. Ronco mash-o-matic fingerprint eliminator

18. Toothpaste Bomb Set

17. Fart in a Box

16. What's O.J. Done Now? Board Game

15. Bionic Sphincter Kit

14. Dr. Scientist Kit: Rusty nails, hypodermic needle, 10cc tetanus

13. My Pretty Piercing Parlor—Hours of piercing fun for your tongue, ears, nose, and more!

12. Beanie Afterbirth

11. Potty Mouth Pam Doll - Pull her string and she shouts "Doo Doo Head!" and more!

10. Squirrel Farm

9. Pray Station—Cyberchurch game console plays all your favorites: NUN-chuck, The Sermonizer, X-treme Confession, CyberBible 2000, Rabid Dogmas, PriestMeat Escape, Sunday Mass Murderer and more! Virtual morality for home or pew!

8. Slip 'n Fall—Rooftop Outdoor Water Slide

7. Electronic Handheld Ways-to-Commit-Suicide Suggester

6. Severed Chihuahua head key chain

5. Johnny Tweaker: My First Meth Lab!

4. Streetwalker Barbie & Big Pimpin' Ken

3. Children Buried Under My House Board Game

2. My first anti-depressant - Ages 2 and up

1. Tickle me Father Elmo catholic priest doll

50 Bumper Stickers Likely to Confuse or Anger Fellow Americans (recently revised/updated)

editors disclaimer: The following suggestions are a JOKE and your kind, loving authors do not desire to offend anyone at all whatsoever in any way, shape, or form and cannot be responsible for anyone blowin' a gasket. Please do not be angry at such authors or desire hell-fire upon their souls. Thank you.

50. Nice people swallow
49. Terrified immigrants in trunk
48. If you can read this, I'll bust a cap in your ass!
47. I'd rather be driving
46. My son is a lazy fat ass at ___ Middle School
45. Car carries no driver
44. This is my opinion
43. My child is a retard; he thinks this touts his scholastic achievement
42. Christians for Phariseeism
41. Honk if you're a non-conformist
40. Hillary Clinton also spells "Nylon Tar Chilli"
39. A dirty possum gave me crabs
38. Jesus Loves Me... every night
37. This vehicle equipped with Fred Flintstone brakes
36. Seeing eye dog on board
35. I'd rather be sodomized
34. Kosher Killer Klowns on Board
33. I love bumper cars!
32. Is necrophilia really so wrong?
31. I'm deeply in love with my money grubbing, scum sucking wife
30. Let's all crash into a wall & go to heaven right now!
29. I sure do have to pee in that last stall at the rest stop on Exit 45
28. God asked me to kill you
27. Proud American Nationalistic Ethnocentric Mother Fucker
26. My child ain't squat of the month
25. Jesus wore K-mart sandals!
24. I love golden showers!
23. Jimmy Smokes Crack and I don't care
22. Objects in driver’s seat are smarter than they appear
21. Jesus is my lord and savior....but Tito is my pool boy
20. Why don't you let your student of the month drive?
19. My child was aborted
18. I shoot people who pass me
17. I vomit out my sunroof
16. I love unattended children
15. Steven Hawking is a moron!
14. Driver loves hard licker
13. We're all dead in this car, which is careening out of control as we speak.
12. I eat babies
11. I bought this Mercedes with crack dollars!
10. Catch my 2-year old!
9. As for me and my house, we shall worship a horned hoofed beast
8. Bastard Magnet
7. I'm on acid and this road looks like chocolate
6. Old enough to pee, old enough for me
5. My child is the owner of a Congressional Medal of Honor, the Nobel Prize, and a Pulitzer Prize. Now what was it you were saying about your child?
4. My other car is a piece of shit too
3. Yes I believe in equal rights, Bitch
2. Assholes are just nice people turned upside down
1. How’s my drinking?
~numbsain, Guinness, Cheese, Goldmind

25 Worst Cat Names

Concocted/assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness & numbsain

25. Fruitpoot
24. Clawed
23. Sphinxter
22. Puss n' Butts
21. Lap Pussy
20. Long Duc Dong
19. Pissy
18. Fido
17. Sandshit
16. Joe Pastafazooka
15. Shitty Shat
14. Tubesteak
13. Itchypussy
12. Violinnards
11. Purr snatcher
10. Furburger
9. The Turdinator
8. Meouch
7. Fartbubbles
6. Vaginym
5. Queef
4. Napkin
3. Osama Bin lickin'
2. Dump Clump
1. Seoul Food

It should be noted that these names are, in actuality, names that humans have given cats and not names by which cats denote themselves. Some believe that the phonetic sounds produced by a cats vocal apparatus such as "Marl," "Marlo" or "Mew" (which would be short for "Bartholomew")are the cats name choices but this is a myth. These words actually mean: "Feed me" "Clean out my box" or "Excuse me, my tail seems to be pinned underneath you rocking chair leg. Could you please remove it at once?" these words and meanings are interchangable. In truth, cats have very unique and specific names and following is a list of all the known cat names:

Prencmukle
Verinccenzi
Guillumontague
Asperacticus
Feelschmelp
Schutzky
Bullmifer
Prudence
Fagafagamoomoo
Inscrepchima
Bowelfritter

All cats alive today in the modern world go by one of these names. (Not listed in alphabetical order because cats do not recognize any alphabet as we know it.) Interestingly, these names, although widely varying at first appearance, to the cat, are all pronounced "Meow" with extremely subtle differences which are undetectable to the human ear.

A Delicious Cat Recipe
This yummy dish is perfect for a light lunch when you have 14 five year olds over on the false premise of a birthday party. Don't tell the little bedwetters they've eaten cat until they've already gobbled it all down. Warning: This dish may cause diarrhea if served with a tall glass of embalming fluid.

1 Can—Cat Spam®
3 tbsps—Pure Cat Extract
1 Medium sized Cat (with fur)
12 dashes—Cat Zest
1/2 tsp—Knorrs Cat Seasoning
5 large—Russet Potatos
1/8 cup—Whole Watermelon
4 pcs—Crumbly Kitchen Sponge
2 1/2 tsps—Motor Oil
1 Whole Tuna Fish Vagina

Combine the Silly putty, Bamboo shoots and Aspirin in a medium sauce pan and fling out window. Sift together Cat Spam®, Sponge and Tuna Fish Vagina in large mixing bowl and set aside. Throw the potatos at the first buck-toothed lesbian you see (do not hurt or injure lesbian in any way. Lesbians are an important part of the ecosystem and should be treated with care). Mash the Cat until stiff peaks form and preheat oven to 13 degrees. Arrange the remaining ingredients decoratively in an Iron walrus embryo shaped skillet (If you don't have one shaped like a walrus embryo, forget the whole thing let all the ingredients run free in a sparsley populated area). Next eat the Cat Zest right out of the tube and serve at once. Serves 8 fat pigs or 400 older midgets who have stapled stomachs.

This space reserved as a memorial for our beloved deceased cat Limpy who was accidentally killed when he was run over by 43 cars on the freeway. (it may have been more but after 43 we stopped watching) We love you Limpy! Rest in Pieces!
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY
LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
It should also be noted that in cultures that accept the use of cat in the diet, there are other names given the cat and they are as follows:

Cat au Gratin
Cat with Rice
Sauteed Cat with Mixed Vegetables
Cheesy Cats n' Macaroni
Paté de Cat
Cat Loaf
Kittens in Blankets
Cat Stroganoff
Kitty Stew
Chat de la Gorgonzeaux, Encrusted with Blue Cheese and Peppercorns
Stuffed Cat
Spaghetti and Cat Sauce
Pussy Alfredo
Cat Carbonaro
Peanut Butter and Cat Sandwich
Kitten Milk
Fresh Seasoned Cat Chunks over a garlic rice pilaf
Catatouie
Raw Cat Hand Roll
Broiled Cats
Enchiladas Del Gato

Usually, these dishes are enjoyed with a hearty Merlot or a Dry Sherry. However if the cat is to be enjoyed as a cocktail, we recommend the following:

Cat Drinks:

Dry Cat Martini
Cat Gimlet
Shirley Tabby
Cat, Straight Up (no more than three recommended if driving)


Lastly, are the names given to cats in response to aberrant behavior. They are:

STUPID CAT!
DUMB JERK CAT!
DAMNED CAT!
GROSS, STINKY CAT!
DISGUSTING CAT!

We hope you have enjoyed this updated information and if any new developments in cat nomenclature arise, we will update again.

Glossary of Cat Definitions

Sable-Toothed Tiger—A species of prehistoric cat whose diet consisted of only russian squirrels
Tony-the Tiger—A mythological big cat who touted the GRRRrrreatness of corn and sugar in the diet
Catapult—A Medieval weapon used to hurl felines at the enemy with great force
Catastrophe—Any truly bad situation that can be blamed on the presence of a cat or cats.
Catamaran—A seafaring vessel used in the transportation of cats
Cataclysm—A major disturbance in the world that some damn cat caused
Catalack—A large luxury sedan owned by fat cats.
Aristocats—A disgusting cat joke often told to showcase a humorists tolerance for vulgarity

Cat Movie Reviews:
The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing
a delightful if heartwrenching saga of an American man who falls in love with a Native American girl named Cat Dancing. But there love is ill fated as he becomes obsessed with being a contestant on The Gong Show. His act consists of torturing helpless felines into “dancing,” but it's more like twitching and spasming due to electrical shocks he gives the tabby's with surgically implanted devices. Strong language, weak storyline, harsh meowing, full frontal cat nudity, the sex is violent so it's okay for the kiddies to watch.

25 Worst Dog Names

List concocted/assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness & numbsain

25. Bundy
24. Mistress
23. Crappy
22. Stain
21. Kitty
20. Anus
19. Worms
18. Sir Crapsalot
17. Spaylina
16. Coming Mary
15. Bedshits
14. Mein Führer
13. Wetspot
12. Fart
11. Hairpie
10. Fudgepacker
9. Stools
8. Meatsword
7. Grumblepoot
6. Butt Trumpet
5. Crotchie
4. Assie
3. Herpes
2. Buttsniffs
1. General Colon Bowel

Runners up for the top 25 worst dog names
Revised and added to by numbsain

Since Goldmind's Unwind first posted this list, we have received hundreds of letters each week from dogs with bad names. Most of them are irate, angry letters from canines under the mistaken impression that we were somehow responsible for their misfortune. This is not true. And to show our sympathy for these badly named dogs who apparently have learned to operate a computer (although their spelling and grammar is atrocious), we'd like to list some of the ridiculous names these pooches have been branded with:

Drive-By
Squirts
Moo
Thilly
Devil Dog
Bone smuggler
T-Bone Walker
Kibbles 'n Butts
Groincheck
Bark Simpson
Paw Prince
Oscar My-yer-a-Weener
Leash Ornament
Collar Otto
Guardenia
Vicious
Hal O. Tosis
Retard
Ol' Brown Nose
Uppan-died
Fran's best mend
Hydrant Hydrator
Growlf
Doo-doo-ronomy
Mucous
Dysplasia
Mangie
Choker
Sick-of'em
Loyola Many-Mount
Digger Blew
Thirston Howl III
Shedd
Puddles
T-Penis
Hell-Mutt
Teeter Poundsend
Pyuto
Mighty Stupid Dog
Spitbull
Michael Vicks Best Friend
Bingo the Dingo
Beeyotch
Old Smeller
Joan of Bark
Doggie Bowzer
Poop Dogg
Uri Nader
Dogeau
Dogma
Barf-all-on-you

Speaking of man's best friend, a term which seems a little demeaning to women if you ask me, If “the way to a man's heart is through his stomach” and a dog is man's best friend than why aren't there more recipes which incorporate dog ? Have no fear, coming soon:

Kanine Kulinary Klassics

Collie Flower Soup
Barbecue Pit Bull
Shitzu Shitaki Sushi
Poodle Noodle Strudel
Arroz Con Chihuahua
Weiner Dog Schnitzel
Setter A La Cheddar
German Shepherds Pie

edited by numbsain 2/08

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More Kanine Kuisine
added by numbsain 5/1/08

Who's mouth doesn't water uncontrollably at the very mention of a delectable Doberman, a scrumptious Scotty, or a Great Danish? There's no better way to satisfy a hungry appetite than with the delicious taste of fresh dog meat. Here's an Indian feast that'll have the whole family praying for puppies and ransacking the local kennels.

Samoyed Samosas
Ingredients:
1 medium sized Samoyed dog, boiled, skinned and mashed
1/2 cup boiled and drained green peas
1 1/2 tsp cumin seeds
1 tsp dog extract
1 tsp red flea powder
1/2 tsp puppy do-claw powder
1/2 tsp dog bone powder
1 tablespoon chopped dog nuts
Salt to taste
3 cups maida (all purpose dog flour)
1/2 cup maida, for rolling out
1 tablespoon heated dog ghee or dog oil
Oil for deep frying
1 tablespoon dog ghee (clarified dog butter) for the stuffing
1 small dog bowl of cold water

Method:
Beat the dog until dead
When the whiskers stop twitching, and yelping stops
add the dry powders and fry for 10 seconds.
Add the mashed Samoyed and green peas and mix well.
Mix in salt to taste.
Fry on a low flame for about 10 minutes.
Set aside.
combine the maida, dog ghee or dog oil and salt to taste.
Add enough water and walk the dog.
Set aside in kennel for about 10 minutes.
Divide the dog into round portions.
Take each portion and muzzle it so that
it does not bite your hands.
Roll it into a not too thin perfect dog shape.
Dip your index finger into the dog bowl
and apply it to the legged edge of the dog-shaped dough.
Now hold the dog in your hand.
Fold the legged edge , bringing together the furry edges.
Seal the watered edges.
You should now have a small dog-shaped maida pocket.
Stuff it with the Samoyed mixture and take the dog for walkies again.
Repeat for the rest of the dog
Deep fry in dog oil till dog colored and serve
with beagle chutney.

Spotted Dalmation Dal

Shoot the Dalmation and remove all spots with spot remover.
Cut a big chunk from the meatiest part of the dog and
eat it raw right then and there. Throw some dal in a pot
and boil it with some spices. When it looks like it will pass as supper
set aside in a large pile under a tree for eight years.
go out in the back yard and devour the rest of the dog carcass.

Poodle Puppy Pakora

In a large bowl, add the chickpea flour, optional puppy peppers, cumin, salt, water and oil. Whisk vigorously to incorporate air and make a fluffy batter. Alternatively, put all the batter ingredients into a blender and puree until smooth. Set aside and take the dog for walkies for about 20-30 minutes.Heat about 1-2 inches of oil in a heavy skillet or deep pot to 375°F. Using a fork, dip the prepared poodle puppies into the batter to coat.

Note: to prepare the poodle puppies, just tell them in a calm soothing voice, that they are going to be cooked and eaten now and everything will be alright. Give them a little kiss on the head and a few gentle strokes and then WHACK 'EM! Don't worry, they don't feel pain the way we do.

Then drop in small batches into the hot oil and deep fry until lightly browned on all sides. Drain on a paper towel-lined plate and serve with mint chutney or cilantro chutney.

Mango Lassie Lahssi

Lahssi is a delicious indian yogurt drink made from fresh dog milk.
We'll tell you how to make it next week!

Disclaimer: Goldmind's Unwind would like to make it very clear to our beloved readers, many of which are dog lovers, that this is all a joke and not meant to be taken seriously in any way. We absolutely do not, never did, and never will, under any circumstances, pretend to know anything about authentic Indian cooking, and although you can't go wrong with the great taste of dog meat, these recipes would probably, if prepared as indicated, taste like shit. Seriously though, we don't eat dogs...we're vegetarians.

Note to PETA: Just watch a Tom & Jerry cartoon and then talk to us about animal cruelty.

by Numbsain

12 Worst American College Mascots

assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness, & numbsain
("Wiscy," pictured to the right, did not make our list this year)

12. The baboon redbutts

11. The sissy puffs

10. The roids

9. The nads (Go Nads!)

8. The excitable toddlers

7. The convalescing old farts

6. The camel's toes
5. The women scorned
4. The snotty tissues
3. The fighting starfish

2. 10 slow white guys and a black running back who's fast

1. The Mullets

From the Patent Office: The Graveyard of Discarded Inventions

By Cheddar

1. Vend-a-goat The exotic choice for the slaving office Joe with an adventurous palette, Vend-a-goat provided a wholesome, nutritious hit of chewy protein. Although the prototype was a smash success in test markets, the vending machine was shelved after it repeatedly malfunctioned when users attempted to shake goats loose from the coil tension springs. After its failure, creator Ben Dover moved in Birmingham Alabama where he later became a successful lawn jockey.



2. Charmin 600 ply For the giga pooper in every family, Charmin developed this industrial device in the 1960s . Its 600 feather-ply ultra soft feel was often compared to the sensation of wiping one's behind with the silk of paradise. The product was shelved out of respect to Mr. Whipple, who suffered a massive coronary while attempting to squeeze the fluff pack and simultaneously asphyxiate himself with scented baby wipes to heighten the pleasurable effect.



3. The Noodle Fan - Artfully designed to attach to any chopstick, Ho Ree Shet invented the device to solve the ancient and vexing Chinese "hot noodle" dilemma. Each fan contained a long-lasting battery calibrated to provide a continuous breeze capable of cooling six billion noodles. However, while attempting to shepherd a bevy of noodles to expectant, gaping mouths, 60% of focus group participants were disappointed to find their own severed finger, lip, tongue, or nostril in the bowl, and the noodle fan was relegated to obscurity.



4. The Cowasaki Ninja - Invented in, you guessed it, Texas, the Cowasaki Ninja was a visual nose-thumbing at Orange County Choppers. Even the advertising slogan developed for the bike—"Chop this!"— was an aggressive affront to the Orange County Chopper fan base. The machine failed when internet commentator and critic Jugz3572 labeled it "gay" on his daily blog. Saddled with the debilitating moniker, the Cowasaki faded into obscurity.



5. "Asswipes for Assholes" - New York City retailer, Products For Dirty Fannies Inc.'s frankly named offering was doomed upon release. Initially designed for the Middle East as a quick way to clean up after diuretic donkeys, the product struck out following a hard-edged ad campaign in English - a language few members of its intended Arabic audience understood: "Did your Donkey Defecate? Asswipes for Assholes!!" Only one package ever made it onto a shelf.



Know of any other failed products? Have good accompanying pictures? Email them to blogdump@fuse.net !

25 Worst American Bands (pray you've not heard them)

{List compiled by staff. Lft to rt: numbsain, Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness}

25. Crotch Mold Fever

24. Billy Gay and the Flamers

23. Beaver Bean Buttons

22. Obese Anorexics Obsessed with Paradox

21. Kid Glove and the Soft Peddlers

20. Jewish Tragedy

19. Heraclitis and the Clits

18. The Redneck Pick-Ups

17. The Angry Astral Projectors

16. The Vegetable Brothers

15. Nair Supply

14. The Red Hot Silly Lepers

13. Thousand Islanders Undressing

12. Prömschpien

11. Erect Homo Sapien and the Copulating Inseminators

10. Jerry Atric and the Dinofarts

9. Toe Jam

8. Steve Sphincter and the Fecal Four

7. Squashing Eggplants

6. Soundfartin'

5. Jefferson Crop Duster

4. Spittany Beers & Tuskin Jimberlink

3. Stinkfinger

2. Damp Hamster

1. Boyz2Girlz

~Cheddar, numbsain, Goldmind, Guiness

30 Worst Things to Stuff Inside Your Thanksgiving Turkey

List concocted/assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness & numbsain

30. Bole weevil ala mode
29. Alpo
28. Toenail Clippings
27. What the turkey already had inside
26. Spam
25. Graves and Corpsed Taters
24. Ex Lax Pudding
23. Agent Orange
22. A smaller turkey, a chicken, a cornish game hen, a grouse, a sparrow, a hummingbird, a cricket, an ant, an aphid, an amoeba
21. Tang Concentrate
20. Broken Glass
19. Silly String
18. Purina Cat Chow
17. Gravel
16. Mashed Turnips and Harlots
15. DDT soaked Peat Moss
14. Criminal Evidence
13. Pickled Ram Testicles
12. Caterpiller Fungus
11. Clay
10. Duck fetus
9. Hallucinagenic Mushrooms
8. Packing noodles
7. E-coli flavored botchulism
6. Stuff beneath your couch cushions
5. Jimmy Hoffa
4. Head Cheese
3. Bull Penis
2. Chipmunk Vomit
1. Your Cat

10 Scary Movies You Cannot or Should Not See

“Day of the Night” 50’s era schlock about invaders from Neptune who use laser technology to reverse the earth’s cycle of night and day. Global chaos erupts when nighttime lasts 24 uninterrupted hours. A normal 12 hour day ensues, however, and the night/day pattern reasserts itself and everyone forgets what happened. Stars Elvis Presley as the crooning Neptunian and Ann Margaret as the femme fatale who steals his heart.

“The Six Cents” About a nickel and a penny; every time a person holds these coins they go slowly insane and commit suicide, after which they are plagued by visions of live people whom they've left behind; these live folks are happy, don't miss the dead, and are seen laughing about "how crazy was that sonnuvabitch."

“Heck bound Heck Raiser 1- The not so nice bad guy” Tired of explicit titles, social purists got together to produce this “horror” movie about a somewhat grumpy guy doing a couple naughty things to some very nice people. After a serious heart-to-heart, he winds up seeing the error of his ways and everyone hugs at the end. Put test audiences to sleep.

“Poltergeist 7-The modern Era” This time, Carol Anne gets trapped inside an mp3 player. The medium, Tangina Barrons, must open a portal through the home’s high tech panic room while the mother, Diane, dons virtual gloves and plays Nintendo Wii in a desperate effort to bring her back. Movie canceled only because Craig T. Nelson could not be reached for the role of the dubious dad.

“The Present” A shy, introverted boy slowly breaks out of his shell by befriending a wrapped gift box he discovers hidden in his parent’s closet. Complications arise when the present begins to molest the child under the pretense she is the boy’s wife from the future who has come back to the past to warn him about the possibility of her molesting him as a present in the future.

"Freddy Kruger meets Jason meets Chuckie meets Dracula meets Godzilla" Intended to be the ultimate showdown between the superstars of horror, the film never even got to the cutting room as everyone involved was killed in the first five minutes of it's inception.

“The Hillbillies Have Eyes” A family of hillbillies moves to Beverly Hills, and starts a very bizarre collection of their guests' eyes, leading police along a murderous trail of eyeless corpses bearing no connection to the Hillbillies. Mr. ClampIt puts his guest's head in a vice to assist with the eye removal procedure. Rated NC 17.

“Outhouse” Was to be the prequel to “House.” Richard Moll, face bleeding and distorted, rises out of outhouse hole to torment the living. Movie failed when Moll outright refused to be covered in feces.

“The Rhode Island Razorblade Redundancy” Hitchhikers are trapped in a desolate Rhode Island...umm...warehouse where they are pursued by a fat man wearing....a ....latex mask. He is known as “latex head”. He captures them one by one and slices them to pieces with razorblades. All the while his off-kilter family stands by and assists. Completely original. Heh. But it still sits unmade because no one in their right mind will copyright it.

“We’ll eat your brains out when we’re ready” Rarely seen Slovakian addition to the zombie genre about six lazy sailors who die in a freak uranium typhoon. The uranium alters their DNA such that they become radioactive brain-eating night walkers. Rather than eat the brains of potential human victims, however, the procrastinating zombies elect to sit in lawn chairs on a remote beach and pass the time observing the ebb and flow of the sea. The zombies soon die of starvation, but return to life, once again. The film abruptly ends when, frustrated at their inability to move as a result of their weakened state, the zombies eat themselves in a gory climax.

“We weren’t kidding when we say that we’ll eat your brains out when we’re ready” The second segment in the “brains out” series, in which the zombie sailors, having been consumed, return as troubled, digested spirits. No longer in need of physical sustenance, the ghosts pass time engaging in ill-fated attempts to grasp physical objects in the denser earth plane. After repeated failures, the ghosts plaintively call out to their spirit guides, who appear in brilliant, shimmering balls of white light. The zombies are forced to view their past lives, make restitution, and ultimately reincarnate as The Rolling Stones.

~Goldmind, Cheese, Guinness, numbsain

Top 25 Worst Things to Get in Your Halloween Trick-or-Treat Bag

25. Cabbage
24. Crystal Meth
23. Dead shrew
22. Edible panties
21. Loose Kool-Aid powder
20. Live Flyfishing bait
19. Newtmuskateers
18. Photographs of Naked Octogenarians
17. Assorted pain relievers
16. Confederacy currency
15. Crack Rock Candy
14. Partially decomposed dog
13. Sharpies box filled with used syringes
12. Nicorette gum
11. Chocolate covered razorblades
10. 50 credit card applications bound together with a rubber band
9. Chain letter
8. KC & the Sunshine Band 8 track tape
7. Cheese whiz in a bag
6. Lint balls
5. Baggie of Purina Cat Chow
4. Medicated suppositories
3. Unpopped kernals from microwave pop corn
2. Caramel kidney stones
1. Condomints—Condoms that come in 3 minty flavors

~Goldmind, numbsain, cheese

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