Friday, November 2, 2007

Ask Dr. Science—back by popular reprimand

Dear Dr. Science,
I think my dog is dead. How can I tell?

Dear Bubby,
Lick the dog’s nostrils a few times while inhaling. Turn in a circle. If it tastes like silver, he’s dead.

Dear Dr. Science,
My Uncle told me the moon was made of cheese and that a rat eats the full moon until it disappears. How does it come back?

Dear Grayson,
The rat does not eat the cheese; he hides it.

Dear Dr. Science,
Do you feel that in a parallel time continuum, where the interdimensional phasing hysteresis was in a precircumvented intraparametric logarithmic inversion slope, a sustained thermonuclear reaction such as the sun would create a photon distortion field of significant intensity to cause cross-dimensional interference that would be detectable by instruments known to our current technology?

Dear Billy,
You are a very bad boy! Does your mother know you're using the computer to ask silly questions like this? In any event, any dolt knows intraparametric logarithmic inversion slopes are a type of cheese. Nice try.

Dear Dr. Science,
I have an infestation of ants in my kitchen and I recently purchased some Miracle Ant Chalk. Can you tell me how this product is to be used?

Dear Molly,
I would suggest using chalk to write discouraging statements such as: "Ants go away," "No ants allowed," "This area off limits to ants," around the areas where the ants seem to be concentrating. This should give those pesky ants the message.

Dear Dr. Science,
How many stars are there in the whole entire sky?

Dear Shurish,
Six hundred.

Dear Dr. Science,
What would happen if I poured gasoline on a pile of old newspapers, lit a match, and then threw it on top of the pile?

Dear Sherry,
No one knows for sure; there are many theories.

Dear Dr. Science,
I'm a girl, blond, 5'4" 120lbs, Very attractive. I just turned 18 years old and I think you're just the coolest, smartest, sexiest science knowing guy ever! I was wondering, how much would you charge to come to my house every night and teach me about, y'know, scientific stuff. (tee hee)

Love, Tiffani
(darn it! it's supposed to have a little heart for the dot over the "I." *giggle* I couldn't make one there, sorry *tee hee*)

D-D-Dear T-T-T-Tiffan... ˆÎ‡•·)%˜Â‰$%^&*‡°´ˇflfi›ÎÁˆ‚°°‡^&*%I◊ı˜Ç˛ˆÎØ{∏¨... i,
Uh... Homina, Homina, Homina, Homina, Homina, Homina (Gulp)...

Dear Dr. Science,
I'm a professional woman of ill-repute and I'm dating this guy who's a paralegal. Do you think we have a chance of making it as a couple?

Dear Schz— Shaazn— Snchau—... Dear Asker,
I think you have a very good chance of a successful relationship with this person as long as you are willing to be patient with him and his condition. I would start by installing wheelchair ramps at your house and find out where the handicapped accessible places are in your town.

~numbsain, Goldmind