Thursday, November 1, 2007

Technological Advances of the Budget Cut Era

Pictured Above: The all terrain tricycle, or ATT, comes fully equipped with "gun wagon".
The total cost of this amazing product is only $800,000.00, saving the
government almost four million dollars over the bulky truck model it used to use.

Recent military budget cuts have inventors and industrialists struggling to keep up with the demand for affordable, yet innovative, products for use by the armed forces. Even small “family” businesses and one man operations have created products that have been adopted for use in today’s Army, Navy, Air force, and Marines.

“Oh yeah,” private industrialist John Chaney, the inventor of the coke bottle grenade, said. “It’s been fun ter make stuff fer them nice soldier fellers. I hope it helps em’ kill em’ tairists.

“The design’s simple,” Chaney said, referring to the grenade he now supplies the Army. “We take an empty bottle as what like one ‘yer relatives drinks and we fill it with pre-stored pig piss. You ken throw ‘bout a hundred of ‘em at the enemy and stink ‘em up so bad they’ll be surrenderin’ afore you know it!”

The best part, of course, is the financial savings the government enjoys over standard issue shrapnel grenades. Recently, we acquired a copy of the 2005 military budget and saw that the United States government had been routinely paying a supplier 6 million dollars per 10 shrapnel grenades.* “Hell,” Chaney says, chuckling from his leer jet, “I only charge em’ half a million fer a whole case o’ my coke grenades!”

But coke grenades are just the beginning. From tissue paper parachutes to rock launchers to the now infamous “dog crap cannon,” all types of affordable products and weapons of mass confusion are being engineered in the spirit of saving the government some pork. In fact, this year’s military budget is now being projected at an all time low of 900 billion dollars, down from 11 trillion last year.*

“If we can save some money and still not put our soldiers at an increased risk of harm, I’m all for these products,” Chief military strategist, General Joe Waddaphuck, indicated. “Heck, right now I’m wearing the all new latex vest. Kevlar was far too expensive, so it was determined that a product that could protect the womb from millions of sperm should certainly be able to stop one lousy bullet. And I ain’t been killed yet!”

New ideas are still being researched and all private entrepreneurs are encouraged to submit their own innovations for approval. It’s a thinner market with the budget tighter than normal, but certainly there is no better way to serve your country and get your name out in a capitalist society than to let your peashooter (literally) be brought into battle by this nation’s elite.

~Cheese, writing as “Cheddar”

The Cincinnati Harold. Or Herald. Or hair old. Or something.

*- denotes government budget dollars which in no way reflect reality.