LETTERS TO SANTA
by numbsanta

Dear Santa Claus,
I’m a 12 year old kid. All my friends have started going through puberty already and are developing normally, y’know broader shoulders, deeper voices, and signs of facial hair. Most noticeable is their penises. They’re huge! I have none of these things. My shoulders are looking even smaller because I seem to be getting more baby fat in the upper body, My voice is the same, no facial hair and my penis is still just a little nubbin. What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I develop like the other kids? All I want for Christmas is a big long schlong.

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,
I have some bad news for you. It seems you have a congenital birth defect. You are what doctors refer to as a female. You will never develop a big long schlong. However I can bring you one. You just can’t keep it because it’s attached to a hairy patch just below my navel.

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Dear Santa Claus,
The following is a partial list of what I’m expecting under the tree on Christmas morning. Don’t let me down Santa, my father owns Exxon, He’s one of the richest most powerful men in the world so if I don’t get what I want…ha ha ha I don’t think I need to say anything more. Here’s the list:
A Hummer
A Yacht (the biggest)
A Leer Jet
A Lamberghini (yellow)
I need all that stuff by no later than the 25th ‘cause I got a date with this totally hot babe and I think it’ll be really impressive when she shows up at my house and sees all that stuff in the driveway. Well don’t just stand there you old geezer, get to work! and don’t bother reading little Billy’s letter, this is more important! Move!

Corbritt Bonassus III

Dear Master Bone Asses,
I’m very sorry but due to the cost of fuel this year Santa Claus can no longer provide his usual service and Christmas is declaring bankruptcy. And just a thought, if you want to impress a girl you might wanna try buying something for her, and I hope it’s expensive because you won’t win her over with your charming personality.

∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§

Dear Santa,
I want a Realistic War Game® where I can be right in the middle of the action so I can feel like I’m really killing terrorists and being a War Hero® just like my big brother who’s over there fighting the war right now. We haven’t heard from him for a couple of months but Dad say’s that’s cause he’s involved in a Top Secret Mission®.

Sincerely, Johnny®

Dear Johnny,
Santa’s got a treat for you! You’re going to have the most realistic war game adventure ever! I’ve arranged to have you spend two years in Realistic Action War Camp®! You’ll be flown to Iraq and be given a Realistic Looking Weapon®! You can get to see your brother in a Real Body Bag® and watch other kids just like you actually Getting Killed!® You’ll come back from camp changed—a Real War Hero®—with your Legs Blown Off®! You’ll have Real Anger Issues® and Post Traumatic Stress®! You’ll get to stay in a Real Veterans Hospital® and get all the benefits Mr. Bush wants you to have! Merry Christmas Johnny! Glad I could make all your dreams come true!

†¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††

Dear Santa,
If you are reading this then you must really exist, in which case you can disregard this letter whose purpose is to determine if you really exist or not. If you do not really exist please tell me so by returning the enclosed SASE to me.

Guirro

Dear Weirdo,
If you are in receipt of this it is because I don’t exist in which case you could not be in receipt of this unless you don’t exist either and we are communicating on a non-existence level which is entirely possible since non-existence does not exist therefore all the rules go out the window and then you might as well believe in Santa Claus.
Does that answer your question you little smart ass?

And BTW leave the tooth fairy out of this because I’ve got the quarters to prove he’s real

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Yo Yo Yo Santa, Wussup foo’ I’m hookin’ you up wit dis Chrizzismas Lizzist so y’all know what kinda blingage to put awl up under my tree, Y’dig? So dis is da shizzizzny:

A big ol’ crack rock
A C-note werf a blow
Some buds o’ some killah kush
A pair a bad-ass kicks
A Digital Electron Scan Micrometer

Peace out, Bone Slamma

Dear Mr. Slamma,
I can hook you up with all the items you requested. But there’s one that seems a little inconsistent with the rest of your list. Why in the world do you want a pair of kicks?

∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚

Dearest Santa,
I am a transient indigent from an underclass family in an impoverished third world nation on the western hemisphere. Due to my father’s employer’s failure to adequately compensate him in the form of monetary remuneration for his interminable toiling at a corporate manufacturing facility, my paternal progenitor has been, as of yet, unable to provide his malnourished, poverty-stricken family with a single Christmas accouterment. It would mean the world to us if you could find it in your heart to bestow upon us but a single token of your sympathy for our predicament in the form of a Christmas gift, preferably wrapped in cheery Christmas-theme paper and tied with a ribbon and a bow.
This gesture on your part might revivify our faith in humanity and give us a reason to live yet another miserable day of this downtrodden existence we currently enjoy.

Thank you, in advance, for your kind and thoughtful consideration of my request. May the best of all things come to you and your loved ones during this season and from now until eternity.

Sincerely, Augustus Champhorwolfe Carrerra III

Dear Gus,
What the hell are you talking about dude? Not all of us can afford the education it would take to read, much less write, a pompous letter like that. Can you put that in laymen’s terms you pedantic freak?

by numbsanta

The First Round of Dear Santa Letters

by Cheddar, numbsain

Well, here we are again. November. The North pole mail bags are filling with greedy requests for everything from toy bazookas to new puppies to cartons of cigarettes to Jennifer Anniston's panties. Having been asked by the postal service to assist them in writing some responses, we here at Goldmind's Unwind have been busy working overtime to make sure every child gets a personally crafted, loving response to their pointless letters. Some we are so proud of, in fact, that we thought we'd post them for you the reader to admire. Fawn over. Hell, marry the answers if you like. And away we go.....

Dear Santa,
I really want a hamster this year. I've been good and lissened to mommy and daddy like I should, so pleese bring me a hamster! Pleese!
Cody

Dear "Cody"-
Look. Santa knows everything, remember? I know this is really Richard Gere, and you're not getting a hamster, gerbil, titmouse, prarie dog, or chinchilla! After what you did to the last one...well, you really ought to be ashamed of yourself! Besides, I'm saving you from yourself. If you keep doing that kind of thing you'll need to start packing diapers.
Sincerely,
Santa

Dear Santa-
Mommy says that I should get a lump of coal this year! What am I supposed to do with that? I don't want a lump of coal!
Joey

Dear Joey-
A lump of coal is better than the lump of crack your mom buys herself every year. As far as what to do with it? Ask Richard Gere.
Sincerely,
Santa

Dear Santa-
What I want more than anything in the world is just to be an elf for a day. I would skip getting toys for years if I could just spend one whole day in the North Pole making toys and playing with the raindeers.
Your friend
Cassie

Dear Cassie-
You're a dear heart. Truly. And Santa doesn't know how to tell you this, but with the recent cost of gas prices, manufacturing materials, and union labor, Santa has to outsource his workshops to India. That means if you spent one whole day in the North Pole, it would be quiet, cold, and desolate. On the bright side, you're still getting something for nothing, so enjoy!
Sincerely,
Santa

Dear Santa-
I jes wanded you to noe that Timmy Baker is a jerk! He hits me efry day and makes fun of me! Don't bring him nuthing this year!
Todd

Dear Todd-
Wow. Timmy pretty much must have beat you retarded, the way you spelled out that letter! And as Santa always says, "that is not nice." Don't you worry. When Santa comes down Timmy's chimney this year, he's gonna bring a sock full of pennies and give Timmy the beating of a lifetime. Then you can make fun of him.
Sincerely,
Santa

Dear Santa-
I know you hear this alot, but I really want a baby sister for christmas. It gets really lonely here sometimes with only mommy and her girlfriend to talk to. They're both adults and I don't understand them at all.
Erica-
P.S.
What's lesspian mean?

Dear Erica-
Errr.....Umm....It means Santa can't bring you a baby sister. How about a talking teddy bear? Or a chatty Kathy doll? Something plastic you can talk to and pretend its your baby sister. By the way, Santa has a favor for you. Santa is having trouble "checking up" on your mommy. If I send you this camera, can you put it in mommy's bedroom in a place she won't see it? Thanks dear.
Sincerely,
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't want any presents this year. I want no tree and no tinsle. I don't want my stocking stuffed with goodies either. I just want an end to hunger and suffering. Also love and harmony.
Dave

Dear Dave,
I'm sending you some cans of tuna fish and heroin. For the second part of your request, I can send you Alvin and the Chipmunks, but as far as loving them, Richard Gere can help you with that.
Santa
P.S. "Ready Dave?"

Dear Santa,
I'm too old for this kind of thing but I thought I'd ask anyway. I want a 40 gig Ipod Mini, a Blackberry Pearl and a 8 megapixel SLR Digital Camera.
Thanks, Luke

Dear Luke,
Enclosed please find a job application for McDonalds.
Luke, I'm not your father.
Santa

Dear Santa Claus
I'm an 80 year old woman and I have two requests:
1. I want to rock your world Santa!
2. I would like the freedom to go anywhere in the world anytime I want to!
Hilda

Dear Hilda,
Request number 1. No.
Request number 2. I'm sending you a package of Depends Undergarments® in a travel tote bag.
Santa

Dear Mr. Claus,
I am an investigator for the IRS and our records show that you've been operating your little toy cartel completely under our radar which is of course illegal. Bottom line is, you owe $427,592,002,628,829.76 in back taxes. Please remit payment to
Internal Revenue Service
Sacramento CA. Thank you.

Dear Sirs,
I suppose you believe in the Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, and the Boogie Man! Grow up! There's no such thing as Santa Claus! I think your parents were trying to fudge the books when they told you Santa bought all that stuff.
Sincerely, Sanford Claussien

Dear Santa,
I'm a 22 year old, extremely attractive single female. I've got a killer body but the only problem is my tatas, they're just a little too small! : ( Do you think maybe you could bring me a set of implants. I would be very appreciative! ; )
Love, Brianna

Dear Brianna,
I can only bring gifts that are appropriate and I will need to make a determination as to the importance of your need for implants. Many young women feel they need implants when they actually have perfectly adequate breasts. Let me check my appointment book... It looks like I'm pretty tied up until the 24th of December but I think I can squeeze you in say, in 1 hour?
I'll take a look at the situation and see if you really need implants or not. By the way, I'll need to take a few photos as well just so you know. See you real soon Brianna, (Ho Ho Ho Boy!)

This is just a sampling of the good work we've done so far! As more letters come in, we may just revisit this topic! Thank you America!

-The Staff at Goldmind's unwind