Grumpy Sock's Corner: Time for a New Holiday

Okay. I'm just a dirty, smelly sock puppet but, let's face it, it's high time for a new holiday. Even if a dirty, smelly, puss dripping-did I already say smelly? if not, smelly-sock puppet has to be the one who tells the world. I was right about gum, wasn't I? So trust me here! It's time for these new holidays, right now. Seriously. Pick up your cell phone and spread the gospel.

Direct Day. Six months after April Fools, a whole day where you're forced to tell friends/spouse how you really feel. Hallmark idea: Front of card: "Would it kill ya to life a finger around here?" Inside: "No, not THAT finger."

Tornado Day. For creative types. Everyone sits under a sturdy table or transom and takes turns exchanging facts and trivia about Oklahoma. "Okmulgee Oklahoma owns the world record for biggest ice cream and cookie party." First person to three wins.

Umbilical Day. Celebrated nine months prior to your birthday. Have to tie a rope from your belt to your mom's waist, hide under under a bed sheet, then walk around the mall tied together while publicly reciting the ways the two of you are just alike. At the end of the day you exchange presents neither likes.

Karl Marx Day. Each May 5 (his birthday), dress in 19th century garb, wear false furry mustache/beard, feign German accent, and pontificate on arcane theories like commodity fetishism or Hegelian dialecticism. No presents are exchanged. In fact, no one owns anything. Sure to lose friends with this one; might even get me a thumbs down!

~Goldmind