Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Infommercial Madness

Howdy. Ah'm Ernest Daleheart, world class NASCAR Driver. Rated the number one race car driver in America. And it's no wonder with a trio o' successive Indy Five hunnerts, a duece a Daytonas and starrin' in one o' the most spectacular highlights ever filmed, Yeah, you know the one. It still amazes me I survived it. But I ain't got the name Ernest Dalehardt bein' flammable.

But today, I'm here ta tell you about another kind o' cookin'. Slow cookin' Now ah know what yer thinking. But this slow cookin' dun' happen in the bedroom, though ah am a legend between the sheets. But I digest.

Now there's two things in this world that I ain't love nuthin' more than; NASCAR... and slow cookin'. That's why ah'm just all revved up about about the Official Ernest Dalehardt NASCAR Slow Cooker®. Ain't she a thing o beauty? An' just look what's inside... Oh Lordy! That's smells heavenly. See now that's what ahm talkin' 'bout. A whole mess a home-made chili stewin' in its own juices. Nuff ta make a grown man cry like a little bitty baby. Mary Jesus that's some good eatin'. And just look at all them beautiful pictures of me, Earnest Dalehardt, NASCAR champion.

Now ah know what yer thinkin', "How could ah, that'd be you, a couch potato from Pitchfork Wyoming, afford a thing of such elegance and quality?" Easy! But before I tell ya HOW easy, take a gander at these little show stoppers:

If ya order now, I'll throw in the Official Ernest Dalehardt NASCAR His & Hers Matchin' Thong & Boxers. Everybody knows how the ladies love wearing big ol' baggie boxer shorts to bed and nothin' turns 'em on more than seein' their man's manhood nestled tightly in a pair o' bikini skivvies. Course, these're made extra roomy in front and if you're like me, ya need it. So now you can spend those romantic hot summer nights, slow cookin' the NASCAR way; in sexy underwear.

Now ah know yer thinkin' all this has gotta be way too expensive for a derrier farmer from Bumfolk Illinois like me, that'd be you. Well Guess what? You get all this for just three easy payments of $13.95 each. Now there's a limited stock so the first twenty five callers git 'em. And while we're waiting for the calls to come in, ahm gonna give y'all a special treat. Ah'm gonna do the Earnest Dalehardt booty dance in the Official NASCAR thong until they're sold out so take yer time ordering and you'll get to see more of me. Operators are standin' by. Ready ladies? ...Huh?

...What'sat? ...They're all sold out? ...Ah didn't even git mah jumpsuit off! Why'd they buy 'em so fast, now I can't show off mah stuff in front of the camera. ...Say why's the cameraman leavin' with all the merchandise? ...He bought it!? All of it?!...Well ah'll be damned!

this infommercial has-been has been brought to by numbsain-vision.