Lady Shady Hosts a Seance

by Goldmind

[Lady Shady is conducting a seance and is attempting to call upon a spirit]

I feel a presence... The spirit is here... Spirit, are you here?

(the spirit answers) "I am here."

In this room?

"In this room."

Near the table?

"Near the table."

Echo?...

"Huh?"

Nevermind....Oh, spirit, what is thy name?

"Bob"

Bob?

"That's what I said."

Do you have a last name oh Bob?

"No - my mom didn't think me worthy - Of COURSE I have a last name. Doesn't everyone?"

What is your last name?

"What difference does it make? Why do you need it?"

It's okay if you don't want to disclose your last name.

"I have no problem telling you my last name. It's Smith."

Where are you oh Bob Smith?

"Bob's fine, and I already told you, I'm right next to you, sitting down on a couch, watching a football game."

Can you tell us whe...did you just say you were watching a football game?

"Yeah. It's almost the 4th quarter; maybe we could pick things up a bit."

You can watch TV?

"Of course I can watch TV. It's a free country ain't it? There's no law against it."

Spirit Bob, where are you from?

"Oh fleshy human, I'm from Georgia."

Are you in Georgia now?

"Are you a retard? I told you I was in the room with you all. Are YOU in Georgia? No. We're all in California, right?"

Why are you in California?

"Why are you in California? I always thought the land was overpriced."

Well... how is it that you came to be here?

"How the hell should I know? I'm not a rocket scientist."

Can you tell us about the future Bob?

"If I could tell you about the future, you think I'd be watching this game? Maybe you shoulda called Nostradumass."

We...we wish to understand something about you...who you are...or who you were.

"I WAS Bob Smith. I AM Bob Smith, still. I like football, especially the dawgs. They have a great freshman running back this year. And they have this quarterba... hey, hold up a sec...that's my other line. Hey...I gotta take this. Are we done?"

We thank you oh wise spirit Bob Smith. And we bid thee peace on thy journey towards union with the All-That-Is and we therefore close this circle of white light and divine inspiration with the banishing of the lesser pentagram.

"Okey dokey then... whatever you sa-TOUCHDOWN!!!"

Goldmind Visits Lady Shady: The ADHD Fortune Teller

by Goldmind

Lady Shady, what do you see?

I see mist…fog…

Why is it foggy?

You’re leaning too close to the crystal ball. It’s condensation from your breath.

Oh, sorry. (leans back) Do you see anything now?

Yes…a car…riding down a highway.

A car riding down a highway?

Yes.

What kind of car?

A 1985 Buick Skylark Sedan with velour upholstery, front wheel drive, and a V6 engine.

Oh. Uh, what is it doing? What’s this about? I mean, what’s the significance of this?

This car once passed you.

Passed me? The car just once passed me? Does this mean anything?

No.

What else do you see?

I see… wait!….I see…you. Yes, you…shopping. You are shopping at a store.

Does this take place in the future?

Yes.

What store is it?

Walmart.

What am I doing?

You’re buying lightbulbs.

Why am I buying lightbulbs?

A lightbulb burned out at your house…you were out of spare lightbulbs. You went to Walmart to buy lightbulbs…Wait! Wait! There’s something else...

What?!!

You’re stopping…on your way to the cash register.

Why am I stopping?

You….you…. you’re picking up a soda. A Coca Cola…a Diet Coke. You’re putting a Diet Coke in a basket.

…. Look, maybe you could just tell me something about…you know…my future. Something where I’m not shopping or being passed by a car. Something I’d want to know now that might happen in the future?

I understand. One moment…one moment please… I’m getting something…it’s dark. It’s very dark.

Why is it dark?

It’s night.

Can you see anything?

No.

Well…can you hear anything?

Yes. I hear…crickets…and traffic in the distance.

Where am I?

In California.

I live in California.

You’re in California still. It’s night. You’re in California at nighttime.

Well, what part of California?

I cannot tell. It is too dark.

…is there ANYTHING you can tell me about the future that might be useful?

I see a struggle.

Between who?

You and me.

What? Why?

You didn't go to the ATM and you haven't got the cash to pay me.

What happens?

I take credit cards.

~Goldmind