Goldmind's Unwind Merchandise
We're proud to announce a new line of products now available wherever products are sold!



Goldmind's Unwind Edition Ford Explorer!
Move over Eddie Bauer. We've taken this classic SUV and added our own finishing touches to its already elegant design. Our personalization of the Explorer consists of a single masterstroke; a large splotch of beige bird shit dropped directly onto the hood and oozing down the fender of the vehicle tells everyone you're a daring individualist who knows what he wants and is willing to pay a lot more for it than it's worth.



Goldmind's Unwind Urinating Lawn Jockeys
Every time an unwanted solicitor or Jehovah's Witness traverses your front lawn, the Goldmind's Unwind Urinating Lawn Jockey senses their presence and their intention and greets them with an accurately aimed stream of real urine right in the eye. They'll stink when they wink and next time, they'll think!

Goldmind's Unwind Disposable Family Heirlooms
When was the last time you cherished and kept a cherished keepsake? Why drag around a bunch of useless old crap that smells like grandma? With disposable family heirlooms you just show 'em, then throw 'em.

Goldmind's Unwind Reusable Snacks
Everyone knows snack foods have no nutritional value. So why keep buying them? What are you stupid? These revolutionary new chips won’t break when you scoop your favorite dip and tomorrow, you toss them in the dishwasher and they’re as good as they were the first time you used them. Non-toxic and lightly salted...wait a minute, you didn’t think I meant you swallow them and then reuse them did you?! Oh my god, that’s disgusting!

Goldmind's Unwind “Choking Hazard” Educational Toys
You teach them the do’s, why not teach them the dont’s? It's always better to learn the tough lessons early in life. Help natural selection along by leaving your child alone with these dangerously small delicious looking bite size toys that the intelligent kids, the ones that will support you in your dotage, will shy away from. But the dolts that will mooch off of you forever will be a thing of the past!

Goldmind's Unwind Jr. “Smell ‘n’ Say” Stench-O-Matic
Wouldn’t it be great if your children could tell you they’ve stepped in something before they track it into the car? Teach them the difference between ammonia and chloroform and get a break from them for a while. Or just have a few laughs watching them wrinkle their noses and puke up all that candy they ate. They’ll never say the dinner you slaved over smells like shit because they’ll know what shit smells like.

by numbsain...“When you go to the well this often, you're bound to fall in once in a while.”

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NUMBSAIN'S EYEWITLESS NEWSFLINCH



Studies Show Nose Picking Improves Driver Alertness

Incontrovertible evidence has been found proving that nose picking and the digital removal of hard or semi-hard dried mucous from the nasal passages actual stimulates brain function in all the areas used while driving a motor vehicle. Visual acuity, hand to eye coordination, reflexes and even navigational skills are all enhanced by the judicious and frequent insertion of the finger into the proboscis, the Department of Highways and Transportation announced today. The statement was met with some opposition posed by the National Anti-Cootie Foundation and the Federal Board of Roadway Indiscretions. But Officials are still condoning and encouraging nose picking in drivers nationwide asserting that the clear glass windows of most commercial passenger vehicles provide adequate concealment of the drivers activities. Providing the nasal products are not displayed on the middle finger extended from the vehicle toward other divers.


It’s a Cotton Pickin’ Crime

The case of two ex-plantation workers who were denied jobs at an orange grove in Louisiana was heard in the U.S. Supreme Court this week. Attorneys for the plaintiff stated that his clients were victims of racial discrimination citing an incident in which the grove’s foreman told the plaintiff, “Git yo cotton pickin’ hands outta my grove, boy. We don’t want no cotton pickers ‘round these here parts!” Although the two are fairly certain they will be awarded a settlement in the case, one of the plaintiffs was forced to seek employment at a shoe-shine stand while the other had to accept a position as an elevator operator until the case is settled.


Marsupials Are Just Dysfunctional Mammals.

An Official Spokesperson for the National Zoological Foundation has announced that Marsupials are just mammals with a pouch who have simply been coddling their young for too long. “These pups are just being big babies. They’re nothing more than sissies who are just too chicken-shit to leave the security of the womb when they’re born like any other mammal. And the platypuses and opossums who are letting them do it, are encouraging bad behavior in their offspring who never really mature fully and then go on to continue the cycle of abuse with their young. It’s disgusting!” Wildlife and conservationists are being asked to discourage the use of phrases such as “those amazing marsupials,” and to start calling them all mammals. The word ‘marsupial’ is really stupid sounding anyway, it sounds like the first course of a meal eaten on a nearby planet, you have your choice of that or ‘marsaladial.’

Surgeon General Puts Restrictions on Breast Implants

In a long overdue decision by the Surgeon General, there will now be size restrictions and upper limit guidelines to regulate breast sizes which fall under the classifications of ‘Big Bodacious Tatas’ or ‘Humongous Bazongas.’ The restrictions are designed to curtail the numerous abuses of women’s right to breast augmentation. “Some of these gals are really out of control with the size of their breasts and it’s not only unhealthy but it gives women an unfair advantage over men socially. When a normal sound-minded man’s eyes bug out of his head and he starts drooling, it’s time to put your foot down.
No body part should have the power to reduce an otherwise sane person to a blathering, googely-eyed, pervert with his tongue dragging on the ground.” The hardest hit by this new law will be the porn industry which employs entertainers such as Miss Lotta Topp and Mandy Melons just to name two. Unfortunately we can’t recall the massive mammaries these women already sport. They will continue to reign over males with supreme dominance until their bodies become too old to maintain the muscle tone and epidermal elasticity needed to support the weight of those things. But at least we can prevent future generations from packing the kind of racks that bring grown men to their knees at the very sight of them.

Junk Food May Actually Be Better for your Health

A double blind study recently indicated that McDonalds hamburgers, fries and shakes are more healthy than fresh organic fruits, vegetables and other natural foods on the market. The study suggests that we should continue to scarf these fast food favorites freely and stop wasting money on so-called 'whole food' from 'God’s green earth' 'as nature intended it' as they provide no better nutrition than the stuff you can get from a drive through for a fraction of the cost, according to chairman of the McDonalds Food Corporation who conducted and funded the study.

Numbsains Eyewitless Newsflinch...keeping your nose in other peoples business!

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Undomesticated Partners

Letting my girlfriend move in with me was a mixed blessing...and a 100% straight up mistake. Girls are pigs! At least the kind I date. But that's totally by my choice, I can get hot chicks if I want to.

I moved in with a supermodel once. She was beautiful, rich, refined...I didn't like it though. Between her calling the police on me, pressing charges and the restraining order, I just had to tell her, “Sorry babe, you're just too high maintenance for me. Gonna have to cut you loose.” and that was it. After my sentencing, I never saw her again.

Looking back at that relationship, I see now, that I made mistakes too. I guess I should have told her I was moving in with her...or at least met her first...and not broken in to her house, waited behind the door in the dark until she came home...I wanted to surprise her with the flowers...but the vase gave her a concussion. Ah, that was a different time, a different felony.

So, my current girlfriend is a dumpy stupid trailer-trashy pig and I let her move in. (No, not Britney Spears). But it's a big change from single life. For one thing, having sex with a partner is a lot better than regular sex. But no more getting ready for work in the dark, that's for sure.

Let's see, I don't have to worry about getting a yeast infection in my teeth—They really shouldn't put Vagisil in the same sized tube as Crest.

I shouldn't have worn her thong panties instead of my tighty whiteys to work today but I didn't have time to dig through the hamper. Besides my cheeks needed flossing anyway.

The deodorant I put on almost killed me. It was strong enough for a man, sure, but the pH was totally wrong! Oh my god, lesbians kept coming up behind me going; “Oh, I love the way you don't smell.” Of course, when I turned around they left. It was the pH balance of my pits that fooled them, that and the whale tail.

Women use a lot more products than men. My shower is suddenly overrun with shampoos, conditioners... and why does she need “body wash” and “facial cleanser?”...I have one bottle of Suave. I use it for everything, mouthwash, carpet cleaner, bathroom disinfectant, windshield washer fluid... My Suave is cowering in the corner with the label half ripped off, saying, "I tried to stop them!"

And then there's the cosmetics and make-up everywhere. On the upside, I had an important meeting and I hadn't slept so I looked like hell. It's amazing what a little foundation and a touch of eyeliner will do. And Maxi Pads sure come in handy when you're out of toilet paper.

The only other woman I've ever lived with was my mother. My girlfriend is very different from mom. I was shocked when I came home and the sink was still full of dirty dishes! And the guy in the bed was not my dad! That reminded me of mom. There was a logical explanation for him being there though. She said his name was Steve and she was fooling around with him on the side...

I said, “that's cool... C'MON IN TRIXIE! MY GIRLFRIEND SAY'S IT'S OKAY!” So that was a relief. I was worried about that. I kind of forget to mention to my girlfriend that it was an open relationship. So did she apparently. So we ended up having kind of an orgy. It was really great. But after that one time, we've decided to take the relationship more seriously now and be monogamous.

Things are working out really well. We've both been faithful and I think I may be in love. Now I come home to clean dishes, dinner is ready when I walk in the door and it's always delicious, Yeah, Steve actually likes doing housework. There's still cosmetics and make-up everywhere though.

Steve's kind of like my girlfriend was in that respect. But in every other respect he's more like my mom was. Oh, except for once I came home and there was another guy in the bed...but it was my dad. So we ended up having an orgy...Just kidding! I'm not that perverted, Jeez! Of course we waited until Steve left.

by numbsain...God's gift to women...that they returned for store credit.