Justin & Amber Visit the Future!


Tourguide: Hi, my name is Triscuit and I’ll be your tour guide. Welcome to the Twenty Third Century—The Shopping Age. We’ll start the tour at Abercrombe & Fitch where we’ll groom you and dress you in the latest accessories so you’ll fit in. Step on the red squares please.

[bzzzzt]

Justin: W-what just happened?

Triscuit: You just transcommuted 200 miles to the Abercrombe & Fitch Beauty Megaplex. First, take off those old-fashioned granny clothes and put these on.

Amber: On what? there isn’t enough material here to cover my birthmark.

Triscuit: Oh don’t worry, here in the future medical science has eliminated sexual diseases and all breeding is done by automation so it’s no longer necessary to hide our sexual parts. Modesty is a thing of the past.

Justin: I don’t know about this honey, I think they’re perverts.

Triscuit: Perverts? Are you two perverts? Great! You’ll love the new Sexual Perversion Center!

[bzzzzt]

Triscuit: Welcome to “Disney’s World of Freaky Fucking!” C’mon in and we'll slip you a Mickey!

Amber: Ew! That’s the sickest thing I’ve ever seen the Seven Dwarfs do.

Triscuit: Oh that’s just the kiddie section, You'll probably want to try the new, “Dumbo; Take It All Bitch!” ride or “Bust a Nut” with Chip and Dale. Look! You can even take a flying fuck with Woody Woodpecker!

Justin: No that’s okay, we’re not perverts.

Triscuit: Oh, I’m sorry, the little guys not working so well? We can get you up in no time.

Justin: Hey get your hands off my...

Amber: Yeah, Cheez-it. Get your hands off his...

[DING DONG]

Triscuit: Oh there’s the lunch bell, Hungry?

Justin: Uh, yeah, I guess so.

Amber: Sure.

Triscuit: Here you go, one for you and one for you. Oh, and this is for little Justin.

Justin: (gulp) Woah! Uh, I’m sorry, this has never happened to me before.

Amber: Honey stop that! You’re embarrasing us.

Justin: I can’t help it, I think it was that pill.

Triscuit: If you’re not ready to use it yet just slip this over it.

Justin: Th-Thanks.

Amber: What’s this pill for?

Triscuit: It’s lunch.

Justin: (Gulp)

Amber: (Gulp) ...That was it? That wasn’t very enjoyable.

Triscuit: Oh, you want enjoyment? You’ll love the “Jolly Rancher Enjoyment Center’s Flavorama Hypertongue Lounge!” Let’s go! Step—

Justin: I know, the red squares

[bzzzzt]

Amber: Ew, honey. What’s going on here?

Justin: You think I know? Uh, miss why are all those people sticking their tongues out at us?

Amber: Yeah and that guys sticking out his...

[DING-A-LING]

Triscuit: Step back please! They’re not sticking them out at us, this is Skittlesville!

[ZWO-O-O-OSH-SH-SHHH]

Justin: What the hell was that?!

Triscuit: Those colors that just went by? Those people just tasted the rainbow.
And she’s one of the skittleskilled specialists giving that guy a rainbow job!

Justin: Hey I wanna...

Amber: Don’t even think about it, honey!

Triscuit: Oh you don’t have to be such an uptight bitch miss. This is the Enjoyment Center!

Amber: What?! No she didn’t just call me a...

Justin: Hey, I thought you said we could enjoy our lunch here.

Triscuit: Sure right this way... here we are, have a seat. Here’s the menu.

Justin: Wow, it’s huge! Look at all this stuff! Huh?! Why is their a foot on here? And a pair of panties?

Triscuit: You can enjoy the taste of just about anything here.

Amber: Oh my god? It’s a giant...

[DING DONG]

Triscuit: That’s the dinner bell!

Justin: Uh, I’m not hungry anymore.

Amber: Actually I wouldn’t mind trying the giant...

Justin: Don’t even think about it, honey!

Triscuit: Well there’s plenty more to enjoy at the Enjoyment Center!

Justin: I think I’d rather just take a nap. Can you tell us where our hotel room is?

Triscuit: Sure, you’re staying at the Cloud Nine. Ready?

Justin: Uh-huh, (yawn)

[bzzzzzt]

Concierge: Welcome to the Cloud Nine. Sucking or Non-Sucking?

Justin: What do you mean?

Concierge: The Cloud Nine features Sucking Rooms where you’re in a constant vacuum. All your bodily emissions are immediately sucked away and you never have to go to the bathroom!

Justin: That sounds weird, Non-Sucking.

Concierge: Certainly, now if you use the auto sleep feature, be sure you’re lying down when you push the button. Would you like your entertainment center plugged right in to your visual cortex?

Amber: Okay, I guess.

Concierge: Your room is ready. Step on the red square.

[bzzzzt]

Justin: I’m gonna push the sleep button honey, I’m bushed.
Good ni—

[ding] [flump!]

Amber: Gee I’m not tired. I wonder if they have a gym. Oh here we go. I’ll just push “workout.”

[ding]

[please lay down to commence full body aerobic workout.]

Amber: Okay now what? Aa-a-a-a! W-wh-a-a-t’s ha-a-a-ap-p-p-en-i-ing?-?

[Workout complete. Ten thousand calories burned. Eight pounds lost. please consume the post-work-out dietary pill on the night stand to your left. Thank you.]

[later that night]

Justin: (Yawn) Wow, I feel totally rested and only 3 hours have gone by! He-e-y, Amber looks hot laying there asleep on the bed. I sure could go for a quickie right now...

[Please place penis in the Quickiemate receptacle to your left]

Justin: Huh? Hmmm, why not? Aah!...Oh yeah! Oh my God Yeah! YESSSS!!!

Amber: Having fun?

Justin: AMBER! This is not what it looks like. The Quickiemate means nothing to me.

Amber: I’m not speaking to you!

Justin: But, but, ...Quickiemate, tell her!

Quickiemate: [I’m not speaking to you either]



By numbsain.

Adventures of Tampax & Moron
L I G H T • B E I N G S • F R O M • T H E • D I S T A N T • F U T U R E

Episode 5—“Light Beings have Needs Too”



Moron: Tampax? Is that you? What has happened to you?

Tampax: Yes it is me Moron, I grew weary of my existence as a light being. I have taken on a corporeal human form here in the 21st century.

M: But why Tampax, you are a highly advanced life form, a superior entity. Why would you choose to downgrade to a previous evolutionary state?

T: Because Moron, being advanced is not sexy. Evolution has made us boring and dull. We have lost touch with our most basic human qualities. Such as emotions and the ability to attract the opposite sex and procreate. We are so androgenous we can't even evoke pheremonal responses in each other. I wanted to experience sensuality, eroticism, love. You can not tell me you are not wildly desirous of me. You know you want me physically, Moron. Admit it.

M: Tampax, I am afraid you have made an egregious error. There is nothing desirable about the human form you have chosen. I regret to inform you that you are what is commonly referred to in the twenty first century as a battle ax.

T: What? You are joking, Moron. That is impossible. I did the research and found the most powerful and influential human female of the era. How could you not find me comely and irresistible?

M: Tampax, Tampax, Tampax. (sigh) You poor misguided entity. Human males are not attracted to the same things that human females are attracted to. Males want to be the dominant gender and they want a female to be submissive and obsequious, young and innocent, dumb and blonde. A powerful female is threatening to a male and not at all desirable. Especially an aged female such as the one you have chosen. I am no more attracted to you than I am to a spiny poisonous reptile. You are saggy and baggy, haggard and flabby. You appear to have been ridden hard and put away wet. You have the muscle tone and resilience of an old douch bag that has been baking in the ultraviolet rays of a nearby star. You are withered and grey. A double bagger. No spring chicken. You have a waddle and several chins. You are long in the tooth. Moth-eaten. Antediluvian. Elderly. Over-the-hill. Rickety. Decrepit. Dried up. Yesterday’s news. A wrinkle vendor. A crotchety old biddy. A senior citizen. To put it bluntly, you are a skanky, nasty, washed-up, shriveled-up, tore-up-from-the-floor-up, prune-faced, Depends®-wearing, I’ve-fallen-and-I-can’t-get-up-saying, one-foot-in-the-grave-stepping, liver-spot-having, great-granny-smelling, old hag, Tampax.

T: Oh Moron, how could you say all those awful things? You are truly a heartless, hateful entity and you have destroyed my self esteem, and confidence. You’ve diminished my self worth and devalued me as a woman. I thought I would be the most desirable female on this planet when I chose to take on the form of Hillary Clinton.

M: Oh Tampax, don’t feel so bad. I’ll tell you a little secret. I almost chose my corporeal form by using the same criteria. Fortunately I read the historical document all the way to the end when he was caught on video tape sodomizing and then eating his own offspring, which was how far he had to go before his deluded a complacent followers finally realized how evil he was. Yes, I almost ended up taking on the corporeal form of George W. Bush, or the Fecal Fuhrer as he is unaffectionately referred to in the historical files.

T: But you did not. I have impulsively made the wrong choice and now I will never experience the joy of being a sexual plaything for males of my species. Oh Moron, what am I to do?

M: Well Tampax, you can always come back to the 60th century with me. We may be boring and overly evolved but we might be able to spice things up a bit.

T: But how Moron?

M: Try something for me Tampax. Say: “I am a dirty little whore.”

T: I am a dirty little whore?

M: Ooh, that was hot! Say it again!

T: I am a dirty little sex pot whore.

M: Oh yes! That was good Tampax, you learn quickly!

T: Yes! Yes! I liked uttering those words. Take me you big brute! I’m nothing but a dirty little two bit crack whore and I want it rough and hard, all night long!

M: Yes! Take it all you little slut! Take every inch of my manhood you tramp! Let me see those big bodacious tatas of yours! Come on, back that ass up! Who’s your pimp daddy?

T: You are Moron! You are!

M: YESSSSS! Yes! Oh... Yeah... You got that... right...whew... (yawn)...

T: Moron? Why have you stopped already? Can you please continue to verbally dominate me Moron? Please Moron... Now? MORON?

M: zzzzzzzzzzz... zzzzzzzzzz...

T: Moron, you are a pig!

M: Please Tampax, can’t you see I am trying to commence my regeneration sequence here?

HIGH TECH INVENTIONS OF THE FUTURE

Mulching Nose Hair Trimmer—Reduces six 4-gallon bags of nose hairs down to one for convenient storage. Strong enough to take the bark off a redwood tree, yet gentle enough to use on a kittens penis! The ultra high speed blades cut cleanly without snagging, yanking or ripping out nose hairs from the root which can be exquisitely painful if done correctly.

Sensi-Smooth Scrotum Laser—Removes all traces of hair on the entire groin area while you sleep, in the office or even while you're walking on the moon! The patented micro-grip traction wheels painlessly grab your flesh, crawling around your crotch with the same ease any common crotch-crawler would, while seeking out and destroying every follicle one by one. You hardly feel a thing! and after just 3 weeks, you'll never have another hair on your balls! but you'll want to keep using it anyway!

Colon-Eater—Just set the little probe free inside your anus and Colon-Eater does the rest. This little marvel takes a complete tour of your lower GI tract in just 4 hours voraciously devouring every scrap of waste in sight including parasites up to 12 inches long! You can feel it working and the Colon-Eater never gets tired of the taste of your fetid, ancient, putrefying waste! It lets you know when it's all full and pops right out. Just keep pulling until the retractable receptacle bag is all the way out and just look at all the surprises you never knew you ate! Bag may be discarded or reused. Simply rinse off the Colon-Eater and convert it to one of the other 5 grooming devices!

Dentist-in-a-Vial—Does everything from routine cleanings to root canals, even extractions and you don't have to pay dentist prices! Easy conversion from the Colon-Eater, just pop it into your mouth and it does the rest! Dentist-in-a-Vial takes X-rays to determine which teeth stay and which ones go and you can even eat while it does it's job! removed teeth are powdered and fed back to you So you don't lose any of your body's precious dolomite. But the best part is, you administer your own novocain and... NITROUS!!! WHOO-HOOO PAR-TAY HEY! HEY! WE'RE GONNA PARTAY ALL NITROUS!!! ALL NITROUS!!! ALL NITR— oops! heh heh!

Finger Friend—Give the Finger Friend a whirl and have the best groomed fingers in the world. Used much the way you would a pencil sharpener, just shove your finger up it's rear port and turn it on! When you pull out your finger, it'll be squeaky clean and perfectly manicured, ready for all those jobs you use your fingers for in this hard to reach world we live in. when you give the Finger Friend you're giving the gift of the finger!

Eye-Ball Polisher and De-Miter—Many people think they need glasses when all they really need is to have their eye-balls polished! Use while you sleep, drive, work or peep. Yes this little gem is approved by the Peeping Tom's of America Association. And mites? They're a thing of the past! Just spray them with Mite-Mace (included) and after the stinging stops... bye bye mites!

by numbsain "makers of fine detritus since 2008"