NUMBSAIN’S EYEWITLESS NEWSFLINCH


US Government Found Not Guilty In 9/11
Startling new findings in the 9/11 investigation reveal that the twin towers actually did collapse as a result of a terrorist action by the Middle East, thus removing all suspicion of involvement on the part of the U.S. government. A recent military raid of an Iraqi home near Bagdad recovered the diary of 6 year old Saheed Momar, In which Momar admits to invoking Allah to cause the World Trade Center Towers to fall down. The entry reads as follows:
“Dear Allah, oh great and wise, please grant me my only wish in life and I will forever be your loyal servant. Please make the World Trade Center fall down as it represents the evil of the western civilization and its destruction would send a message to the evil American government that they are evil. Thanks Allah I know you won’t let me down. Sincerely Saheed”
Momar confessed to soldiers under intensive interrogation and “light to medium torture with the option to sexually abuse,” that on the morning of September 11 he wished real hard for the disaster and just moments later U.S. Government officials choreographed and executed the attack, covered up all evidence of the operation, and even falsified press releases while in a trance-like state after which they had no recollection of doing so. The president was completely unaware of his actions and helplessly under the influence of a hypnotic trance obviously induced by Momar’s powerful invocation of Allah. President Bush stated in a press conference, “One minute I was innocently finishing up my breakfast of fried babies heads and eggs and the next thing I knew I was in Florida hearing the news that I had just blown up the World Trade Center. I knew Allah had something to do with it.”


Balls Yanked
An FDA recall on Rocky Mountain Prairie Oysters has restaurants pulling their supplies as the administration disseminates new evidence that the nutty-flavored delicacy is actually the gonads of the mature male bull. A meat packing plant specializing in prairie oysters was shut down after a food inspector busted their nuts at a Chicago Bistro where they were being served. One customer had this to say, “Oh my God, you mean I’ve been eating balls? Why don’t I just go suck a cows dick fer chrissake!”

Gas Companies Invite Customers to “Come and Get It”
With gas prices going through the roof in today’s disastrous economy, Gas companies have jointly come up with a way to drop their prices down lower than they’ve been in years. All major oil companies have decided to lower the price of regular gas to $2.50 per gallon! To offer this discount they impose only one stipulation. Gas will only be sold in the state of Tennessee. The up to 1500 miles some customers must travel to fill up will offset the oil companies' losses.

Recall on Eaten Food
Some FDA approved food products which have proved to be harmless while in the package are now found to be a deadly health hazard once eaten by consumers. General Foods Inc. Has ordered a full recall on these foods, but only in their fully digested state, since before consumption they pose no health risk. General Foods Inc. Suggests rather than return the digested product, consumers should simply flush the product down the toilet immediately.

Touched By a Ten Foot Pol'
Five year old Jimmy Reese of North Carolina was lying in a hospital bed dying of an incurable disease when a miracle came and saved his life. Lech Kalinowski, a pituitary giant from Warsaw who stands ten feet in height and who was born gifted with supernatural healing abilities, visited Jimmy and laid his massive hands on the boy. The Next day Jimmy made a complete recovery. Doctors reported, “We had tried everything to save Jimmy. He was so contagious we didn't want to touch him with a ten foot pole. But ironically it took the touch of a ten foot Pol to save his life.”

Numbsain's Eyewitless Newsflinch was brought to you by a sentimental old fool with an itchy, bleeding heart in his eye.

Numbsains Eyewitless NewsFlinch

MAN DONATES ORGAN TO SAVE WIFE'S LIFE
Mrs. Drelda Flapwitz of Cratchet N.J. lay helpless in critical condition last Tuesday when a 500 pound Hammond B3 organ fell on her while she was attempting to dust it. Mr. Flapwitz, a parapalegic, knew the fire department would not come out to save her again as she was repeatedly warned not to clean the instrument unassisted. "I did the only thing I could, I called the Salvation Army and told them I wanted to donate my organ. They got here lickety split, hauled it away and saved my wife's life."

STRONGER PLACEBOS DO LESS THAN EVER
Drugee Methlab Pharmaceuticals, the world's leader in placebos, has found a new way to manufacture placebos of increased potency by distilling them to a much more concentrated tincture. "This is certain to be very useful in medical and psychological research where placebos are widely used. The ineffectiveness is enhanced tenfold by a special process of concentrating placebonic atoms making these super-placebos far more inert than ordinary ones." These new miracle placebos are indicated in cases where the patient is already extremely gullible and therefore resistant to conventional placebos. They may also prove useful in veterinary research where the subject has absolutely no clue what's going on to begin with.

STUDY SHOWS STUDIES SHOW LESS AND LESS
As researchers accumulate more and more information, each new piece of data is thrown into the pile, so to speak. As the pile settles and the new data gets mixed into the old, the reliability of each new fact decreases. It is now believed that at some point in the future, all information will be rendered completely useless by the sheer mass of all the information that will have accumulated. However, this fact is also quickly becoming diluted, so no one is particularly worried.

NEW EVIDENCE SUPPORTING OLD THEORIES WRONG
Recent discovered evidence has been found to be largely ineffective in proving old theories which are still backed up much more easily with the same old evidence. "The age old theories we've accepted as true for years, just don't hold up very well when we use the new information that's coming in to try to corroborate it. That new info is fine for explaining new theories, but somehow it just falls short when it comes to proving what we already know. We don't need all this current crap coming in and making us look stupid. Just let sleeping dogs lie," said John Boreman, Chairman of FAQAT, Foundation Against Questioning Accepted Theories.

DEATH MAY CURE LIFE
It is inevitable, incurable and lethal! Millions die from it every year. Very little is known about the tragic phenomenon of death, yet it continues to claim victims regularly. There are certain minority factions that believe death is not the merciless bloodthirsty killer it's touted to be. A spokesperson for Viva La Muerte, Mort U. Warey states in his new book, Living with Death: "There is really very little evidence that death has anything to do with the millions of lives that are lost each year. We believe that death plays a small part in this but there are plenty of other possibilities that no one ever considers. To us, life is the true killer and death is the only cure for it. From my point of view, death is the living end."

RANDOM ATTACK FAILS
A group of militant American terrorists attempted a random attack on enemy forces but the chaos was averted when things unexpectedly organized themselves. "When a random act of violence falls into a regular pattern, it loses its effectiveness. Even the fact that I, one of the terrorists, am giving this interview, bodes very badly for our cause."

FEAR ITSELF MAY NOT BE ALL WE HAVE TO FEAR
New findings indicate that the old saying "all we have to fear is fear itself" may not be true and in fact this finding may be a very real and valid fear. One whose discoverers regret having found.

SportsBARF
The Commissioner of all Sports has deemed the game of basketball "not fun anymore" and has banned it from being played altogether. "The players were getting too tall and it just wasn't interesting to watch or play so I just said "Get rid of it." I can do that because I'm the Commissioner of All Sports which means if I don't like something, it's outta here.

The Commissioner of all Sports also stated that football is becoming too rough and injuries are the most entertaining thing about it, so it will now be called "Hurtball" and fans can expect media coverage to focus more on the wounds, trauma and suffering and less on the game itself. "Don't ask why, just trust me," the Commissioner said with an arrogant look on his face.

"I Guess baseball can stay as it is," said the Commissioner of all Sports, who has really been on a rampage lately but shows a little sanity here. "Oh except it has to be played by midgets in tutus and they have to all be Jewish," that damned Commissioner added, just to be a jerk. I'm sorry, this guy is screwing up everything, he's got to go!

The Commissioner of All Sports was mysteriously killed last night in a freak accident that no one knows anything about.

SPECIAL REPORT: BRITNEY SPEARS IS JUST AS STUPID AS EVER BUT HAS PROVEN USEFUL IN GETTING PEOPLE TO LOOK AT BLOGS. SAME WITH PARIS HILTON AND THE TERMS "SEX," "FREE PORN," "LIVE NUDE GIRLS" ETC. WE APOLOGIZE IF YOU WERE TRICKED INTO READING THIS BLOG BUT IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. THERE ARE OTHER THINGS IN LIFE WORTH DOING BESIDES FEEDING YOUR LIBIDO AND UNTIL WE FIND THEM, MIGHT AS WELL READ GOLDMIND'S UNWIND!

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