The Banned/Not Banned book list.

(Continuing our crusade to protect your freedom and bring awareness to your lives, we here at Goldmind's unwind have collected the great banned/not banned book list. For every banned book that you cannot get your fingers on here for various reasons, we offer you a feasible counterpart that you can read with pleasure and depravity while thumbing your nose at the government)

1. Banned- Uncle Tom's Cabin- Harriet Beecher Stowe- Banned for promoting stereotypes about African Americans, this literary classic of the civil war era is no longer attainable.

Not Banned- Uncle Joe's bedroom- Colon Polker- still available as an "Adam and Eve" pocket reader, this literary "classic" will never be banned as doing so would set off a flurry of protests from gay activists everywhere.



2. Banned- Where's Waldo-2nd edition- Banned by overprotective parents everywhere, one of the illustrations depicts Waldo himself standing suggestively behind a man bending over to tie what appears to be his shoe. The graphic nature of this photo apparently threatened to scar our children permanently, so drastic action was required.

Not Banned- Where's Crackho?-Marion Berry- Also illustrated, this children's book, drawn in a drug induced haze by Mr. Berry himself, cannot be banned because it's existence is still in debate. It is known that 40 prints of the book were made and passed out to various street hustlers, but the trail disappears there. Apparently, like the hard to find "crackho", this book will be difficult to locate....:)

3. Banned- Catcher in the Rye- J.D. Salinger- Another literary classic banned from schools and many public shelves for it's dicey content. Wouldn't want that dangerous classic literature warping our minds!!!

Not Banned- Punch Her in the Eye- Ike Turner- This non fiction classic teaches the average blue collar Joe how to keep his marriage running like a well oiled machine. And his wife running like a kicked puppy. Visit Barnes and Noble today!

4. Banned- The Joy of Sex-Alex Comfort- This instructional book, expressing freedom and maturity in the act of lovemaking, was deemed vulgar and subsequently banned. The photography that was included may have been the deal breaker.

Not Banned- Sex with Joy- Karen Dyke- This instructional book, expressing freedom and passionate lesbian lovemaking was deemed vulgar and subsequently purchased by every man who could stop by the bookstore without his wife. The photography that was included may have been the deal maker.

5. Banned-Lord of the Flies-William Golding- For it's controversial use of the word "nigger", this book was banned first in Canada and then in some US schools, despite Golding winning the nobel prize in literature. Proving, of course, that societally speaking, it's amazing that we all know how to wipe ourselves when we shit.

Not Banned- Lord of the Fries- Steve Goob- This book, though similiar in title to the above, is instead about a day in the life of an average fry cook. It did not win the nobel prize. In fact, no one has read it. Which is probably why it's not banned. But SHOULD anyone read it, they will find several provacative references to "grease", "oil", and "transfats". Rooowrrr.

Check these out ladies and gentlemen! Let us know what you think!

"Are you a Pervert?"-Personality Quiz

1. If your grocery store selection only offered these three fruit choices, which would you purchase?

A- A banana

B- Two firm plums

C- A soft fuzzy peach with a warm hollowed out center

2. You're at a bar and have been hitting on a tall leggy brunette all night. You are close to sealing the deal to get her back to your place, but just as you're about to go, the bartender warns you she's actually a man. You...

A. Make up an excuse, leave the bar, and resign yourself to another weekend of masturbation.

B. Revise your plans and decide to stop at oral

C. Rush to the pet store and buy a pair of gerbils

3. You put the new comedy you just rented into the dvd player and realize that the store accidentally put the wrong disc in the box as the opening scene of a porn movie begins to play. You...

A. Turn the movie immediately off, return it to the store, and file a complaint with the manager

B. Decide that you weren't in the mood for a comedy anyway and go get a box of tissues for the session to come.

C. Smile with fondness at the memories you made while directing this movie

4. You take viagara for a hot date and experience an erection lasting longer than 4 hours. You...

A. Call your doctor as is advised.

B. Use the side effect to your advantage as you go for round 2 through 20 with your partner

C. Film the event for posterity, brag to all your friends, and charge around your office at work yelling "VIVA LA PENIS!"

5. You meet some coworkers at a strip bar on a Friday night. You have a few drinks and get to enjoying yourself, when on to the stage, dressed as a naughty nurse, walks your sister. You....

A. Throw your coat over her, carry her out to the parking lot, and lecture her about ways to make an extra buck that do not involve embarrassing the family

B. Pretend to find an interesting bug on the floor that you proceed to stare at for the duration of the next song, while making a mental note to bring this up in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner as revenge for your sister being a tattletale while growing up.

C. Sigh in boredom as you've "been there done that."

6. Your idea of "adventurous" is....

A. Doggy Style

B. A midget

C. A Doberman

7. Your girlfriend decides to surprise you for Valentine's Day by bringing her friend along for a menage a trois. Your reaction is...

A. Embarrassment at having to perform for two women

B. Excitement at having to perform for two women

C. to nudge your girlfriend's mom over in the bed to make room for the two of them.

8. You find people who flash others while dressed in trench coats to be:

A. Dangerous and disgusting members of society who should be incarcerated

B. Role models for sexual freedom and lack of inhibition

C. Unimaginative bores who need to find more interesting ways to get their rocks off like auto-erotic asphyxiation.

9. While growing up, if you had a question about sex, you would.....

A. try to read about the answer in some dry medical periodical.

B. Openly ask your parents using uninhibited slang terminology

C. Experiment on mom while she was sleeping

10. To you, the term "pervert" means...

A. From the Latin Pervare, meaning "out of the norm"

B. I've been caught peeping in the neighbor's windows again.

C. I can't look it up with someone sitting on my face

Give yourself 1 point for every "A" answer. 2 points for every "B" answer. 3 points for every "C" answer.

10-16 points- Mr. Missionary position. Your lack of imagination and perversity puts us to sleep just thinking about your gyrations....or lack thereof.

17-24 points- Congrats! While a whip, chain, or strap on is not out of the question, at least the sheep are safe. Except for maybe that cute one with the blue eyes....

25-30 points- 655-1000. That's my phone number. Call me. I need tips.

A Failed High School Health Video of the 70s

(You remember them....the sex ed tapes. Run through a projector, the image was always shaky and featured archaic terms and hideous acting that did way more to turn off hormone charged teenagers than a lobotomy ever could. Folks, as bad as those were, believe it or not, there were some that were actually rejected for being worse! Like this one!)

Syphilis and You

(living with your disability)

Cue shaky projector

Video starts with hideous musical opening as backdrop to innocuous looking couple holding hands and walking in some nameless park.

Cue Narrator

"High school life is a challenging time. Your bodies are undergoing change. Some changes you may understand. Some you may not. The choices you make are often driven by factors that you cannot control, like your hormones. Your parents and teachers work very hard to teach you how to make the right choices and avoid negative consequences, but the fact remains that teenagers are generally idiots.

So there you are. Mr. Suave. Mr. Libido. Mr. Let's Get Funky. You've heard the rumors that Peggie Weller is an easy conquest and you are suddenly ready for action. You seek her out.
Ahhhh there she is. Hi Peggy! You naughty girl. Your parents warned you. Your teachers warned you. Your baptist minister with the hungry eyes and unsightly bulge in his vestments should have warned you. Promiscuity is bad. But you didn't listen! Now your pearly gates are a little sore. And the walls on your tunnel of love are a fiery red. You're thinking you should see the doctor, but no harm in one more fling first! After all, if it feels good do it! Right Peggy? And here comes our hero Mr. Suave right now.

He shares his lunch with you. Gives you googly eyes. Gives you the test for Mr. Pfizer's class that he stole after school yesterday. Before you know it, you're in the back seat of his dad's Pinto testing out the shocks and screaming to the heavens. It isn't until the following week that your doctor tells you that you have syphilis. And it will be three months before Mr. Suave gets his own boo boo checked out and finds out the same thing. Fortunately, Mr. Suave is a lonely man and only shared his ailment with his fist and the box of innocent kleenex that hangs out on his nightstand.

So now you've been diagnosed. How do you come to terms with this life sentence? Well Peggy. Well Mr. Suave. Fortunately, we are here to help. We have assembled three couples to give you advice on how to cope. Advice based on experience. That's right, each of the individuals you are about to meet have Syphilis. And here they are now! Say hello to Bob, Steve, and Winston!

And their wives Carol, Jane, and Doris.
Tell us, guys and gals. How have you accepted Syphilis in your lives?"

Bob-(in a bad actor's "forced" voice) "When I was diagnosed with Syphilis, I was shocked! I had taken care to only have one partner my whole life, and yet here I was with VD! I didn't know-"

Carol-"Oh shut up you bag of crap. I know for a fact I only had one partner and I'll be damned if you hang all this on me. I only regret that my choice of partner was you! Marry me he said. We have no choice he said. We can't give each other Syphilis again he said. I've been cleaning the skidmarks out of that man's shorts for 11 years now! I-"

Winston-"Only one partner! Only one partner! How the hell do you think I got the Syph? That was you under the bleachers that night Carol Schmidt whether you want to own up to it or not! Damn it! Why didn't I stop at the fifth Michelob? I could be leading a VD free life with Doris here."

Doris- "You son of a bitch! You told me you got syphilis from a toilet seat! You lying sack of-"

Steve-"And you believed him? Jesus you four are hilarious. This is better than a night at the cinemas."

Carol-"Don't you act so high and mighty 'Steve'. You and 'Jane' here must have the syph too since you're in this video."

Jane- "Actually no. We were supposed to be starring as the couple in the latest High School driver's ed video, "driving with distractions", but it looks like we're in the wrong studio. This IS far more interesting though.

All six begin yelling at once in a confused babble.

Cue the Narrator

"Umm. So there you have it. Peggy. Mr. Suave. Get married to one another. Swap your syphilis back and forth since it doesn't matter at this point. And rest assured that you won't need to squabble. It's no secret that you're a slut Peggy, and Mr. Suave here was only taking advantage of that fact to his own demise.

Join us next time as we explore another difficult teenage topic. 'Heroin and you. Choosing a safe dealer.' "

Cue shaky credits scrolling far too fast to read.

Aaaannnd......cut.

Practicing Banal Sex; A message from your president

By George W. Bush

Ladies and gentleman, the only recreational activity out there that has been in existence since the dawn of time is fornification. That's right. I'm talking about biblical relations between members of oppositional or similar sexes. Now I know that typically discussions of this nature fall outside of the borders of presidential duties. But I wanted to talk to you because, as of late, some disturbing information has been crossing my desk here in the oval office. Which is really oblongated. But I guess the oblong office wouldn't sound very historic, would it? But I digress.

It seems there has been a trend amongst both heterosexual and homosexual couples to frequently engage in blatant overt banal sex. Now, my fellow Americans, this is not natural. Whether you believe fornification is for the purpose of procreation or just for the pleasure of whiling away a Saturday afternoon, you must agree that partaking in one another banally is not acceptable behavior. Nor is it sanitary.

The documents I've been reading report the use of such practices as a "missionary position" and "virginal inner course". This is disturbing to say the least, America. Despite what past presidential administrations have taught us, there are morals governing the act of recreational fornification. And I cannot stress to you enough the importance of abstaining from banal inner course.

We are involved in a war on terror. There is nothing that the enemy would love to see more than our moral collapse, and I need not remind you that we are already viewed dubiousiosly because of certain photos of prisoners being mistreated in our war camps. If the enemy knew that the issue of banal sex was eroding our morals like a cancer from within, they would strike at us while we are weak.

So, as your president, I must appeal to you America. Please cease the practice of banal sex. Go back to the traditional methods of fornification; man on top, woman lying docilely beneath. Or if you feel crazy, roll over. hehehe. But seriously, fornificating banally is immoral, unsanitary, and beneath the standards of America. And from what I understand, it can lead to a shortage of lubrication for those who really need it.

I'm asking for your help to make the last year of my presidency a banal free one. Let's take the inner course here and rise above the moral declines that are assailing us in every direction. Thank you.



(Editor's note: Since the submission of this publication by President Bush, it has been discovered that the documents crossing his desk were of a dubious nature. Left behind by previous president Clinton, these documents were entitled "Penthouse forum" and written by such pollsters and presidential aides as "Dick Ramrod" and "Kenna Lingus". The trends suggested by those documents are now a topic of debate. But we here at Goldmind's unwind continue to encourage an end to all banal sex. Try something kinky instead!)

Numbsains Eyewitless NewsFlinch

MAN DONATES ORGAN TO SAVE WIFE'S LIFE
Mrs. Drelda Flapwitz of Cratchet N.J. lay helpless in critical condition last Tuesday when a 500 pound Hammond B3 organ fell on her while she was attempting to dust it. Mr. Flapwitz, a parapalegic, knew the fire department would not come out to save her again as she was repeatedly warned not to clean the instrument unassisted. "I did the only thing I could, I called the Salvation Army and told them I wanted to donate my organ. They got here lickety split, hauled it away and saved my wife's life."

STRONGER PLACEBOS DO LESS THAN EVER
Drugee Methlab Pharmaceuticals, the world's leader in placebos, has found a new way to manufacture placebos of increased potency by distilling them to a much more concentrated tincture. "This is certain to be very useful in medical and psychological research where placebos are widely used. The ineffectiveness is enhanced tenfold by a special process of concentrating placebonic atoms making these super-placebos far more inert than ordinary ones." These new miracle placebos are indicated in cases where the patient is already extremely gullible and therefore resistant to conventional placebos. They may also prove useful in veterinary research where the subject has absolutely no clue what's going on to begin with.

STUDY SHOWS STUDIES SHOW LESS AND LESS
As researchers accumulate more and more information, each new piece of data is thrown into the pile, so to speak. As the pile settles and the new data gets mixed into the old, the reliability of each new fact decreases. It is now believed that at some point in the future, all information will be rendered completely useless by the sheer mass of all the information that will have accumulated. However, this fact is also quickly becoming diluted, so no one is particularly worried.

NEW EVIDENCE SUPPORTING OLD THEORIES WRONG
Recent discovered evidence has been found to be largely ineffective in proving old theories which are still backed up much more easily with the same old evidence. "The age old theories we've accepted as true for years, just don't hold up very well when we use the new information that's coming in to try to corroborate it. That new info is fine for explaining new theories, but somehow it just falls short when it comes to proving what we already know. We don't need all this current crap coming in and making us look stupid. Just let sleeping dogs lie," said John Boreman, Chairman of FAQAT, Foundation Against Questioning Accepted Theories.

DEATH MAY CURE LIFE
It is inevitable, incurable and lethal! Millions die from it every year. Very little is known about the tragic phenomenon of death, yet it continues to claim victims regularly. There are certain minority factions that believe death is not the merciless bloodthirsty killer it's touted to be. A spokesperson for Viva La Muerte, Mort U. Warey states in his new book, Living with Death: "There is really very little evidence that death has anything to do with the millions of lives that are lost each year. We believe that death plays a small part in this but there are plenty of other possibilities that no one ever considers. To us, life is the true killer and death is the only cure for it. From my point of view, death is the living end."

RANDOM ATTACK FAILS
A group of militant American terrorists attempted a random attack on enemy forces but the chaos was averted when things unexpectedly organized themselves. "When a random act of violence falls into a regular pattern, it loses its effectiveness. Even the fact that I, one of the terrorists, am giving this interview, bodes very badly for our cause."

FEAR ITSELF MAY NOT BE ALL WE HAVE TO FEAR
New findings indicate that the old saying "all we have to fear is fear itself" may not be true and in fact this finding may be a very real and valid fear. One whose discoverers regret having found.

SportsBARF
The Commissioner of all Sports has deemed the game of basketball "not fun anymore" and has banned it from being played altogether. "The players were getting too tall and it just wasn't interesting to watch or play so I just said "Get rid of it." I can do that because I'm the Commissioner of All Sports which means if I don't like something, it's outta here.

The Commissioner of all Sports also stated that football is becoming too rough and injuries are the most entertaining thing about it, so it will now be called "Hurtball" and fans can expect media coverage to focus more on the wounds, trauma and suffering and less on the game itself. "Don't ask why, just trust me," the Commissioner said with an arrogant look on his face.

"I Guess baseball can stay as it is," said the Commissioner of all Sports, who has really been on a rampage lately but shows a little sanity here. "Oh except it has to be played by midgets in tutus and they have to all be Jewish," that damned Commissioner added, just to be a jerk. I'm sorry, this guy is screwing up everything, he's got to go!

The Commissioner of All Sports was mysteriously killed last night in a freak accident that no one knows anything about.

SPECIAL REPORT: BRITNEY SPEARS IS JUST AS STUPID AS EVER BUT HAS PROVEN USEFUL IN GETTING PEOPLE TO LOOK AT BLOGS. SAME WITH PARIS HILTON AND THE TERMS "SEX," "FREE PORN," "LIVE NUDE GIRLS" ETC. WE APOLOGIZE IF YOU WERE TRICKED INTO READING THIS BLOG BUT IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. THERE ARE OTHER THINGS IN LIFE WORTH DOING BESIDES FEEDING YOUR LIBIDO AND UNTIL WE FIND THEM, MIGHT AS WELL READ GOLDMIND'S UNWIND!

Newsflinch is brought to you by numbsain inc. "smart people doing dumb things making dumb people feel smart"