Goldmind's Unwind

Those Strange Americans
The Burps learn about hot things

Good afternoon, I’m James McQuivvers and welcome to Those Strange Americans.
Today we’ll be talking with the Burps of Crotch River Arkansas who have only just recently discovered hot things. Now Mr. Burp were you not the first to discover the phenomenon of hot things?
Mr. Burp: Nehw.
J.Q.: I’m sorry I was told that it was you who first—
Mr B.: Naw, were’nt me. Ah ain’t discovered no fuhmomanon, it were hawt thangs. Ya see, ah was in the kitchuhn and maw was cookin up a big ol’ pot o’ hawg giblets so I went right awn over thar an’ stuck mah fanger in it.
J.Q.: And what did you feel?
Mr. B.: Hungry.
J.Q.: Yes but after you put your finger into the boiling pot what was the sensation in your finger?
Mr. B: Nothin’
BillyBob Burp: Hyik Hyik Hyik Gawl dang paw tell the man whut ya feeled! Hyik Hyik Hyuk he ain’t gawn tell ya.
J.Q.: Why won’t he tell me?
BB.B.: Cuz he’s Stewpid. But lemme tell ya he shore nuff feeled sumpin cuz he jes stood thar a hollerin’ lak a hound dawg in a bear trap, ooohWHEEE!
J.Q.: And why did he not remove his finger from the pot?
BB.B.: Cuz he’s plum STEWPID!
JennyMay Burp: Ah ah ah ah ah tol’ him ta take it out. Ah did.
J.Q.: That was very good JennyMay. You saw your father was in pain and you told him to take his finger out of the pot?
JM.B: Nehw.
J.Q.: But I thought you said—
JM.B.: Nuh-uh, ah tol’ him cuz ah wuz ahurtin’
J.Q.: You mean you empathized, you felt your fathers pain.
JM.B.: Nehw, ah feeled MAH own pu-ayn cuz cuz cuz he done sticked heez corn cawb raht up mah pooky.
J.Q.: Oh my! Ahem well we’re supposed to be discussing things that are hot, JennyMay.
JM.B.: Well ah thunk it wuz plum disgustin’ but when they wartched the video awn the TV down at Gus’s Liquor Barn them folk thunk it was hawt.
J.Q.: If we may stay on the subject. So your father just stood there with his finger in the pot? What happened next?
BB.B.: Wayll ah done had to go awn over thar an heylp ‘eem. Cuz ah ain’t wanna seen ‘eem suffer lahk that.
J.Q.: So you removed his finger from the pot?
BB.B.: Nehw. I hit ‘eem wiff a eye-ron skillet over the hay-ed.
J.Q.: Oh dear wasn’t that a bit cruel to knock him unconscious like that?
BB.B.: Nehw. I ain’t hit ‘eem hard nuff ta knock ‘eem uncronchiss. Jus hard nuff so he put ‘eez hay-unds awn ‘eez hay-ed.
J.Q.: Well of course to protect his head.
BB.B.: Got ‘eez fanger outta the pot.
J.Q.: So did you all realize at that point that a boiling pot is hot?
Jimbo: Nehw. We ain’t buhlieved ‘eem.
J.Q.: So what did you do?
Jimbo: Wayll ah done wint over thar an stuck mah fanger in it.
J.Q.: The pain must have been excruciating.
Jimbo: Nehw. It hurted.
BB.B.: Hyik hyik hyik, yer plum STEWPID Jimbo! OoohWHEE! Yer stewpidder ‘n a possum in a moonshine barrel! Hyuk hyuk!
Jimbo: Shuddup BillyBob! Yer stewpidder ‘n a bearcat in a SEE-ment mixer.
BB.B.: Y’all take that back Jimbo! Ah ain’t neither. Buh-sides iffin it weren’t fer me y’all would still be a-sufferin.’
J.Q.: Did you take Jimbos finger out of the pot?
BB.B.: Nehw. I turned awf the stove.
J.Q.: But it must have taken hours to cool down. How was his finger by the time the pot cooled?
BB.B.: Tender.
J.Q.: I imagine it was more than tender.
BB.B.: Oh, it were mahty tasty too.
J.Q.: You ate his finger?!
Jimbo: Nehw. We done et awl mah fangers. BillyBob tol’ me ah wuz better awf cuz now ah ain’t has ta worry ‘bout stickin’ em in sumpin’ hot.
BB.B.: Hyik hyik hyik ah tol’ ya he wuz plum stewpid!
Jimbo: Hey Billybob, thars one mawr fanger left. It’s mah layest one, ya wawnt it?
BB.B: Don’t mahnd iffin ah do (Chomp, crunch crunch crunch GULP!) Mm-mm that thar wuz mahty tasty. Thank yew, Jimbo...Ya STEWPID HILLBILLY! Hyik hyik hyik har har hyuk!
Jimbo: Hey BillyBob gayess whut, ah done stuck that fanger up uncle grampaw’s POOKY ‘fore ah fed it to ya! HAW HAW HAW HAR HAR! GawlEEE yer stewpid! Y’all jus’ et grampaws pooky scuzz!
BB.B.: WHUT!? AHMO GITCHOO JIMBO!
J.Q.: Well that's our show for today, time's up, cut, is the tape still rolling? Why does every show about these insipid Americans always end up a complete travesty? why do we do this show anyway?
Producer: Uh, cuz Americans lak it.
J.Q.: Why do Americans like seeing how stupid they are?
America: CUZ WE’RE PLUM STEWPID!!!!

by numbsain...an American, but at least he knows he’s stupid.

brought to you by the campaign to keep politicians with so much subconscious guilt that they are testing, much the way a two year old does, to see how far they can go before someone stops them and who are actually hoping to be punished, much the way an abused child does, seeing it as the only way to alleviate their guilt, out of office foundation.

and by the committee to keep mentally unstable torture victims who can't possibly have the ability to run a country after the kind of abuse they have endured because any psychologist knows that shit warps your brain and turns you into a sociopathic, psychopathic, nazi monster, from being elected.
And that sick bitch running mate of his is the most evil wench that ever walked the earth and if you people can't see it and elect them then you deserve the nightmarish living hell they will inflict upon us.

And by the association of people who would rather evolve than devolve back to bloodthirsty barbaric hateful murdering warmongers like say oh, for instance McCain.