Numbsain's Gift Ideas

Duller Image, Brooksnuts, Hammacker & Schlemmer (that's fine the way it is) move over! Numbstones LTD. brings you a new line of ingenious high tech, gadgets, goodies and gags that are sure to bring wetness and cheer around the tree. And with the economy down the shitter, thanks to our lovely government of insane murdering criminals who we are letting walk away with the whole pot, Christmas shopping is especially joyous this year. I wonder what gifts the bushits and the cheneys are buying for themselves this year. I'd like to give them a very special gift of my own creation and watch them eat it.

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year… *urp*KaBARFFF!

Ouch Gum
Ow! Eek! Ooch! Ugh! That’s what you hear every time you chew a stick of Ouch Gum!
Built into every stick is a tiny pressure sensitive sound generator that uses your mouth cavity as a speaker. Ouch! The gum that feels pain the way we do!


Toilet-in-a-Briefcase
You’ve Just had two cups of coffee and a bran muffin and now you’re standing on a crowded bus with 20 minutes til you get to work. Suddenly Nature calls and it’s a BIG one! What do you do? Just flip open Toilet-in-a-Briefcase and unfold a real working toilet! Drop trou and do your business anytime, anywhere Then when you’re all done, fold it back up and, oh look! It’s your stop! Time sure flies when you’re taking a shit.

The Neutrinonizer
Increase your sense of being with this little life saver. Breathing depletes the air of essential subatomic particles and a well lived in room can become a stale, lifeless place in no time. Replenish the air with refreshing neutrinos! The smallest of all theoretical subatomic particles, neutrinos are believed to constitute one third of the universe. You can’t see them but you’ll sure rest easier knowing that you and your family are getting plenty of them…theoretically!

OdorUp! Olfactory Alarm Clock
Need to get up early but your significant other likes to sleep in? A noisy alarm clock really won’t do now will it? Just place OdorUp over the bridge of your nose and sleep easy. Come morning OdorUp releases a fetid acrid stench that will bring tears to your eyes and wakes you up in a jiffy. While your partner never hears a thing.
OdorUp…Wake up and smell the catbox!



Nautical 8-Ball
For the seafaring type who can’t remember how to sail, just ask the Nautical 8-Ball and it will say: “Hard a-port” “Luff out the Mizzen” “Broad Reach” “Beat to Windward” Over 300 authentic nautical sailing terms will keep you ship-shape when you “weigh anchor” so you never find yourself “In irons” or three sheets to the wind!”


In-Your-Face Gag Mace
Mom had to work late so dad said he’d pick her up. He shows up a half hour late and mom is standing outside—at night. Wait dad, don’t drive up on her just yet, there’s a rapist approaching her. Turn off the headlights and watch the zany whacky antics when mom goes to mace the the attacker but instead SHE gets a face full of painful debilitating MACE. In-Your-Face Gag Mace has the nozzle reversed for lots of laughs!

In-Your-Snatch Gag Condoms
The date is getting hot and heavy, she’s ready but asks if you have protection. You discreetly slip on an In-Your-Snatch Gag Condom and let the fun begin. It’s got a special reservoir tip filled with an amazing realistic looking jizz-like polymer that E-X-P-A-N-D-S to 10x original volume! Two minutes later, Oops! She thinks your blowing your wad insider her and imagine the look on her face when up to two gallons of expanding jizz foam comes gushing out of her. Best of all it hardens to solid in 30 seconds. She’ll never get it all out! The perfect way to end a first and only date!

Gillette Dodeco Shaving System
First there were twin blades, then triple blades, then they introduced the Quatro, four blade razor, And then Five! Where do you go from there? introducing the Gillette Dodeco Shaving System! 12 blades in one handle! Bet you’re thinking, “the smoothest shave ever!” Well think again. The blades are parallel with the handle! One swipe and Dad’s jugular is gushing! Loads of Laughs!

Twelve Dates of Christmas



On the first date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the se-cond date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
two smel-ly fin-gers,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the third date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
three pain-ful hick-eys,
two smel-ly fin-gers,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the fourth date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
fore-head ab-ras-ions,
three pain-ful hick-eys,
two smel-ly fin-gers,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the fifth date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hick-eys,
smel-ly fin-ger goo
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the sixth date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
six pe-nile les-ions,
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hick-eys,
smel-ly fin-ger goo
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the seventh date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
test-ic-ul-ar tor-sion,
six pe-nile les-ions,
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hic-keys,
fin-gers kind of stink,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the eighth date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
gen-it-al her-pes,
test-ic-ul-ar tor-sion,
six pe-nile les-ions,
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hic-keys,
fin-gers kind of stink,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the ninth date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
gon-ho-or-rea,
gen-it-al her-pes,
test-ic-ul-ar tor-sion,
six pe-nile les-ions,
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hic-keys,
fin-gers kind of stink,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the tenth date of Christmas my true love gave to me:
cum-stained pa-ja-mas
gon-ho-or-rea,
gen-it-al her-pes,
test-ic-ul-ar tor-sion,
six pe-nile les-ions,
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hic-keys,
fin-gers kind of stink,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the eleventh date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
ter-ti-ary syph’lis,
cum-stained pa-jam-as
gon-ho-or-rea,
gen-it-al her-pes,
test-ic-ul-ar tor-sion,
six pe-nile les-ions,
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hic-keys,
fin-gers kind of stink,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the twelfth date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
twelve thou-sand crab-lice,
ter-ti-ary syph’lis,
cum-stained pajamas
gon-ho-or-rea,
gen-it-al her-pes,
test-ic-ul-ar tor-sion,
six pe-nile les-ions,
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hic-keys,
fin-gers kind of stink,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.


by numbsain…Oh no! my sain is numb

The Fundamental Laws that Govern Yo Ass


The 1st Law of Futility
You can’t have a catch 22 until you have a catch 21. But then you’re one short of a catch 22.

The Law of Stupid Laws
If Murphy’s Law can go wrong, it won’t. So you’re still stuck with Murphy’s stupid law.

The 1st Law of Indigestion
What goes up, someone had to throw up.

The Law of Visa
for every action there is an equal and opposite charge on your account.

The 2nd Law of Indigestion
What goes around gives you diarrhea.

The Law of Resentment
No good deed goes un-guilt-tripped.

The Law of Kleptomania
Objects in motion tend to stay in motion, objects at rest tend to be stolen.

The 2nd Law of Futility
When an irrepressible force meets an irresistible object, somebody ends up crying.

The 3rd Law of Desert Physics
The relationship between an object's mass (m), its acceleration (a), and the applied force (F) is only legal in the state of Nevada.

The 2nd Law of Thermo-Finance
Energy can be changed from one form to another, but it will take up to 3 to 5 business days.

The Law of Inbreeding
Nothing can be the cause of its own existence, except in Tenessee where a man can be his own father.

The Law of Junk Food
E=McNuggets.

The Law of Shopping
You can’t get something for nothing, but at Ross’s weekend blowout sale, you can get name brands for next to nothing, this weekend only…at Ross!

The Law of Stupidity
50% of the people in the world are below average in intelligence.

The Law of Heresay
I think therefor I am not dead.

The Law of Masculinity (or lack thereof)
Size doesn’t matter, unless you’re talking about a guy with a really small penis because that poor bastard will never satisfy a women.

by Prof. Numbsain…LsD, Xtc, pCp, NO2, THc

Billy: Little Boy with a Big Problem



Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a little boy of 10 years old who had a GREAT BIG penis. His name was Billy and all the other boys and girls used to laugh at him for his penis was much too large.

All the other children had average sized penises and they flaunted them proudly, whipping them out at urinals or in the woods behind the school yard where they would tie up Cynthia Titesnatch after class and hone their boinking skills on her. But they wouldn’t let poor Billy join in any penis games.

The boys wouldn’t let him sword fight with them because his penis was too slow.

“En Garde Sir Billy! I challenge thee to a duel. Brandish thy weapon or be smitten with my smegma!” said Sir Bobby as he wielded his three inch cutlass.

“Ng-g-g!” Gimme a minute here, I’ve almost got it up.” said Sir Billy struggling to get his cumbersome seventeen inch ex-caliber so much as an inch off the ground.

“Ha ha ha! Look at Billy and his elephant penis!” they all laughed, “He can’t even lift it.”
Poor Billy would have to fold his penis in half, then in quarters, then roll it up and stuff it back into his trousers and skulk away shamed and humiliated.

The girls wouldn’t let him play hide the gherkin because his penis was much too conspicuous. One day a new girl came to the school and she didn’t notice that Billy's pants were pleated in front and yet still he always bumped into the lunch trays in the cafeteria.

“Hi Billy,” said the comely new girl, Penny, “Wanna play kissin’ in the closet with me?” she said with her full luscious red lips and her dreamy azure eyes blinking seductively.

“(Gulp) S-s-sure P-P-P-Penny!” said Billy nervously but excited. Why? Because Penny was a damn fine piece of ass and there wasn’t a boy in the school who wouldn’t give his left testicle for a minute and a half in the closet with Penny.

“C’mon then, let’s get our tongues into each others throats right away, shall we?

Billy was sprung big time. The two of them entered the closet when no one was looking. No sooner had the door closed, Penny was buck naked and licking his epiglottis!

“ Billy, why are you shoving me away with your leg. Don’t you like incredibly gorgeous, highly aggressive, oversexed ten year old girls?” Penny asked pouting seductively.

“I wasn’t Penny, I swear!” said Billy.

“Well if this isn’t your leg than it must be your...Ahahahahahah! Is that behemoth your penis!? Hahahaha tee-hee! Oh Billy, you silly little boy. Now what did you expect to do with that thing after we kissed and I got all aroused and demanded to be boinked? I couldn’t even fit that in my make-up case much less my tight pink vagina. Give me a cigarette and run along, jumbo boy! Hahahaha!” said Penny dismissively.

Billy dutifully gave her his last Marlboro Light and skulked away sadly, dragging his hippopotomic penis behind him.

“Ha ha ha! Billy, Billy, seventeen inch willy!” the children all sang tauntingly.

Just when it seemed like things couldn’t get any worse for Billy, they did.

“Billy!” said the teacher angrily, “Come to the blackboard this minute!”

“Yes, Mrs. Crotch-Chasm,” said Billy as he skulked to the head of the class and stood in front of the voluptuously buxom teacher at the blackboard.

“Billy,” said Mrs. Crotch-Chasm, “How big is your penis, young man?” She asked sternly.

“Seventeen inches.” said Billy, hanging his head low in shame.

The children all started laughing hysterically at Billy’s unfortunate deformity, completely insensitive to that fact that it was not his fault. Children can be so cruel.

“SILENCE!” shouted Mrs. Crotch-Chasm sternly, “Billy you will stay after class and write on the blackboard 1000 times: ‘I will not have a seventeen inch penis.’”

“What?!” said Billy indignantly, “Look, I didn’t ask to have a seventeen inch penis! and furthermore...”
Billy was just getting his tirade going when Mrs. Crotch-Chasm leaned over and whispered something in his ear.

“Oh.” said Billy, “A thousand times you say? Sure, no problem.”

After the school bell rang and all the other children had gone home, Billy was just about done with his first of a thousand times when Mrs. Crotch-Chasm said, “Turn around, Billy”

Billy turned around and there was Mrs. Crotch-Chasm in a leather corset, fishnet stockings, and 9 inch spiked heels! She looked slammin’!


“Day-um!” said billy unzipping his pants with a mac daddy smirk on his face.

“Well, we don’t need to tell you what happens next. Let’s just suffice it to say: They lived happily ever after!

by numbsain

Note: We do not promote child pornography, 10 year olds having sex with adult teachers, nor anything that is harmful to children or perverse or weird or anything like that. It's just a coincidence that those things are what this post is about. None of these characters have any similarity to anyone in real life and don't try this at home.

For Sale: boy with 17 inch penis, to a good home.

New Elements Discovered!

Periodically, scientists will discover a new element never before known and they will add it to the periodic table. Each new geological finding expands the table and all new books have to be re-printed. The periodic table started out relatively small and simple: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, Salt, Pepper, Sweet n’ Low—the usual condiments. Then along came Helium, Cobalt, Tabasco, A1 Sauce, Ketchup, Gold, Silver, Equal, and the table started filling up. Now recently we’ve added Uranium, Plutonium, KC Masterpiece BBQ Sauce, Accent, The crap that Emirel guy sells, Copper, Zinc, Braggs, CoffeeMate, and even Soy Sauce.

Well, the shit has really hit the fan now as 30 new elements have been identified. All as a result of one lousy meteor which landed last week—oh sorry now it’s a meteorite because it landed. If you ask me we should have blasted the damned thing back out into space and then it would be a meteoroid again.

Here are the new ones we've got to squeeze in there somewhere.


Scientists are working furiously around the clock trying to find commercial and industrial uses for these elements but so far only two have been found to be useful. Chickendelite seems to have industrial use as a coagulant for keeping milk from separating, and Inferium makes a great doorstop because of its very dense atomic weight. Of course, so would a lot of the chicks I've dated recently.

By Prof. Numbsain PhD National Scientific Institute for the Criminally Insane, Putzpuller Prize winning, Author and worlds foremost authority on Cunning Linguistics