Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Numbsain's Gift Ideas

Duller Image, Brooksnuts, Hammacker & Schlemmer (that's fine the way it is) move over! Numbstones LTD. brings you a new line of ingenious high tech, gadgets, goodies and gags that are sure to bring wetness and cheer around the tree. And with the economy down the shitter, thanks to our lovely government of insane murdering criminals who we are letting walk away with the whole pot, Christmas shopping is especially joyous this year. I wonder what gifts the bushits and the cheneys are buying for themselves this year. I'd like to give them a very special gift of my own creation and watch them eat it.

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year… *urp*KaBARFFF!

Ouch Gum
Ow! Eek! Ooch! Ugh! That’s what you hear every time you chew a stick of Ouch Gum!
Built into every stick is a tiny pressure sensitive sound generator that uses your mouth cavity as a speaker. Ouch! The gum that feels pain the way we do!

You’ve Just had two cups of coffee and a bran muffin and now you’re standing on a crowded bus with 20 minutes til you get to work. Suddenly Nature calls and it’s a BIG one! What do you do? Just flip open Toilet-in-a-Briefcase and unfold a real working toilet! Drop trou and do your business anytime, anywhere Then when you’re all done, fold it back up and, oh look! It’s your stop! Time sure flies when you’re taking a shit.

The Neutrinonizer
Increase your sense of being with this little life saver. Breathing depletes the air of essential subatomic particles and a well lived in room can become a stale, lifeless place in no time. Replenish the air with refreshing neutrinos! The smallest of all theoretical subatomic particles, neutrinos are believed to constitute one third of the universe. You can’t see them but you’ll sure rest easier knowing that you and your family are getting plenty of them…theoretically!

OdorUp! Olfactory Alarm Clock
Need to get up early but your significant other likes to sleep in? A noisy alarm clock really won’t do now will it? Just place OdorUp over the bridge of your nose and sleep easy. Come morning OdorUp releases a fetid acrid stench that will bring tears to your eyes and wakes you up in a jiffy. While your partner never hears a thing.
OdorUp…Wake up and smell the catbox!

Nautical 8-Ball

For the seafaring type who can’t remember how to sail, just ask the Nautical 8-Ball and it will say: “Hard a-port” “Luff out the Mizzen” “Broad Reach” “Beat to Windward” Over 300 authentic nautical sailing terms will keep you ship-shape when you “weigh anchor” so you never find yourself “In irons” or three sheets to the wind!”

In-Your-Face Gag Mace
Mom had to work late so dad said he’d pick her up. He shows up a half hour late and mom is standing outside—at night. Wait dad, don’t drive up on her just yet, there’s a rapist approaching her. Turn off the headlights and watch the zany whacky antics when mom goes to mace the the attacker but instead SHE gets a face full of painful debilitating MACE. In-Your-Face Gag Mace has the nozzle reversed for lots of laughs!

In-Your-Snatch Gag Condoms
The date is getting hot and heavy, she’s ready but asks if you have protection. You discreetly slip on an In-Your-Snatch Gag Condom and let the fun begin. It’s got a special reservoir tip filled with an amazing realistic looking jizz-like polymer that E-X-P-A-N-D-S to 10x original volume! Two minutes later, Oops! She thinks your blowing your wad insider her and imagine the look on her face when up to two gallons of expanding jizz foam comes gushing out of her. Best of all it hardens to solid in 30 seconds. She’ll never get it all out! The perfect way to end a first and only date!

Gillette Dodeco Shaving System
First there were twin blades, then triple blades, then they introduced the Quatro, four blade razor, And then Five! Where do you go from there? introducing the Gillette Dodeco Shaving System! 12 blades in one handle! Bet you’re thinking, “the smoothest shave ever!” Well think again. The blades are parallel with the handle! One swipe and Dad’s jugular is gushing! Loads of Laughs!


Anonymous said...

Oh Numbsain, your such a thougthfull sweetie, I bet mummy and daddy are so chuffed to bits with you! Gosh your a scietist and inventor of such fandabidoso stuff!
Nanny will love the kazi in a case,just the thing for when she takes a walk in Hyde Park or gets Mummys shopping in Harrods.
In these times of hardshit I do appologise I mean hardship and sufference under the arseholes who govern us, oops sorry again I meant to put hardsoles, never the less your a very dear a sole to think of so many at this time of year!
(if I should be so lucky)
Anna Cent

numbsain said...

Anna cent, I'm moistened by your encomium. Your kindness is matched only by your strangeness and I mean that in the strangest way. You'd love my good compadres Jess Kidding and that Oven gal, oh and Howard Ewing gives his love…to anyone who'll take it, but that's neither here nor there (thank heavens, 409 wouldn't even get that stain out) But anyway-too-much-info, Happy Hooplahdaze!
Love, The Sains

Anonymous said...

Good day to you Numbsain me ole cobber, well here we are again and me and the wife are trying hard to think about whot to get the sprogs and the old girl and man for xmas, well youv covered some of them, well maybe you could have some more suggestions, the ole mans party trick is to fart over the open fire and we will all larf as he runs out to dowse his arse in the sheep dip, the old girl usually walks about modelling the new years bikini made from croc skins(a lot more hanging bits to cover nowdays). The wife gives them new falsies she repairs every year from the crocs teeth, this is great to help em chew on the carcass. The kids are getting sick of snackes in the stockings and red back spiders in the pudding!
Be pleased of your help old mate,
Donk & Sheila B Cumming

numbsain said...

Donk & Sheila you musky hillbillies, as per yer quer’ I've just released the new line of exgluesive gifts for the yule tide her up and flogged her with a grease monkeys innards. I hope you can make your holidays a little less with these technological extravagances I've conjured in my little workshop. Had to stop production on all the anal intruders I'll need to fill all my orders, and assholes! Apparently we stateside have kind gotten used to being bungholed up the pookie chute by our unelected leaders and folks just can't stop dreamin' of a reamin' by the snuggy nuzzlin' demon. In fact this product is such a joy to behold with, I've got one shoved all the way up my hershey highway as we speak. Ooh I love the roto-agitator setting! And with the colonoscopy feature I can see the action! Hey! I don't remember eating that!

Greasons Cheetings, sumbnain