Friday, December 5, 2008

Hitting Dogs

These two dogs came from the same litter.

There's nothing worse
than the feeling of running over a dog. The dull 'flubump' you hear, you can almost feel its furry warmth right through the the brake pedal, or the gas pedal, or your boot if you had to pull over and finish him off. Or your kids see it happen and you try to tell them he only bumped his head on the bottom of the car and he's just fine but they look out the back window and see he was chopped in half by the tire. So you tell them that he was already dying and you put him out of his misery. But the kids explain that it was the neighbors brand new puppy.

It's really bad when you run over your own puppy. But the only thing worse than running over a puppy and watching it die is watching it limp around for 18 years—and it still loves you—ugh, I hate that. Dragging itself along on two legs trying to bring you your slippers.
“Stumpy! Forget about the damn slippers already! No, don’t wag your tail, you’ll fall ove-…Aw, Stump-e-ers.”

I had a blind dog for a while. he wore dark glasses and I was his seeing eye man. I got to go into kennels and dog washes that normally I would never be allowed to enter. As long as I was well behaved and didn't bite anyone. He had a nasty temperament because he was bred to be a guard dog so to do his job he just had to flail wildly and bite in every direction. We called him Ray Snarles because whenever we were threatened and he had to figure out who to bite, he never got right one, baby.

We got tired of getting bit all the time so we took him to the park and played fetch with him. Then we jumped in the car and drove away. But he somehow found his way back! So we cut off all his legs. He makes a good throw pillow for the couch when the in-laws come over. Finally he died when Uncle Jerry sat on him, but you should have seen Uncle Jerry's ass! Aunt Janey never chewed him one that big!

Soon we got a new dog. He's a dingo and he's a little temperamental; kinda snaps at people. But, when a few babies were missing around the neighborhood, the neighbors suspected Bingo. We didn't want to put him to sleep, that seems wrong. So we were thinking of running him over instead. Then some Korean friends convinced us not to waste a perfectly good animal. They gave us some great recipes and told us just how to prepare him. Well, the recipes worked great. Changing his diet made him a lot calmer and we prepared him by visiting his new home a couple times to get him used to it. The Yims say he's a perfect pet and... Wait, you weren't thinking...just because they're Korean you thought they were going to... Oh, that's disgusting. If Asians eat dogs then why don't Americans eat dragons?

A bit of trivia here. I learned why dogs on a leash always pee a little bit on every tree they see along the walk instead of all at once like we do. It's because we don't stop walking! While we're on the subject of dogs, here's the latest list, from our corporate offices in Scottsdale Arizona, of

Top Ten Worst Dog Names

10. Lemonade Vendor
9. Kennyl
8. O'Drool
7. Humpaleg
6. Style
5. John Lapper
4. Edgar Alpo
3. Terry R.
2. Quadrupet
1. Sit Vicious

Check out our Top XX worst dog name lists scattered around the blog, (which rhymes with dog).
This post was written by numbsain…the name says it all!

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