Thursday, December 18, 2008

The staff at Goldminds Unwind is off for the holidays so we had the boys in the mail room recount some of their tired old hackneyed jokes because we figured that would be good enough for you guys. These jokes are as old as kerosene so if you've heard it before, stop reading. Unless you like dragging an old dog through the mud which in and of itself can be pretty freakin' funny. “C'mon Rufus, you can walk you lazy old hound! Put your back into it, boy! Show me what yer made of. What? Have you gone and died on me? Why you mangy old mutt! Thump! Thud! Thubump Take that! And that! I'll teach you to up and die you worthless old sack o' potatoes. All that Alpo gone to waste! Man's best friend, FEH!

Rite of Passage

A boy comes home from his first day of junior high school. His mother asks, “what did you do in school today honey?” The boy replies, “I had sex for the first time.” After a thorough reprimanding the mother informs the boy that he’ll have to answer to his father when he gets home. A few hours later the father comes home and the boy overhears his parents talking in the kitchen. His mother was still really mad but his father didn’t say a word and went straight up to the boys room. “Son?” his father said entering the room and closing the door, “Your mother tells me you had sex at school today, is this true?” “Yes father,” the boy says. “Well I just have one thing to say about that”…the father says with a stern look on his face, “Way to go, son! Your a man now, and don’t tell your mother this but I’m damned proud of you boy. I had sex when I was your age too and it looks like your a chip off the old block. The men in our family always start young, it’s in our genes. Don’t worry about your mom; you did good boy and you’ve done your dad proud. In fact, you know that BMX bike you’ve been wanting for so long? I’m gonna buy it for you as a coming of age gift. How would you like that?”
“Wow that’s great dad!…except it’s gonna be a while before I can ride it,” says the boy.
“Why’s that son?” asks the father.
“My butt’s really sore from having sex today.”

Prison Role Call

A diminutive man of meager stature is sentenced to one year in the state penitentiary and has the misfortune of being assigned to share a cell with Bubba Johnson, the biggest meanest brawniest dude in the joint. The little man enters the cell and quietly slinks over to his cot trying not to make eye contact with Bubba.
After a few minutes, Bubba says, “You wanna play house?”
The man says, “Uh…O-o-okay, I g-g-g guess so.”
Bubba politely asks, “Whattaya wanna be, the mommy or the daddy?”
The man thinks about it for a second and carefully chooses.
“Oh w-w-w-well I think I’d p-p-p-prefer to be the d-d-d-daddy, sir. (gulp),”
So Bubba calmly sits up, pulls down his drawers and says,
“Okay, now come over here and suck mommys dick.”

The Pickle Slicer

A man who works in a deli tells his psychiatrist he has a problem.
“I don’t know what it is doc, I have this overwhelming compulsion to put my penis in the pickle slicer.”
“The doctor is shocked, “Are you crazy, why would you want to do a thing like that?”
The man says, “I just can’t stop thinking about it. Every time I see that pickle slicer I become obsessed with the idea of doing it and I can’t think about anything else for the rest of the day.
The doctor thinks about it and says, “Well I can’t imagine why you want to, but if you’re that obsessed with it, I think your just gonna have to do it and get it out of your system.”
“You really think so doc? Wow! This is gonna be great, thanks doc.”
The next day the man comes home from work early.
His wife asks, “Honey are you all right? You're home so early.”
“I got fired,” the man replies.
“Why?” she asks.
“I put my penis in the pickle slicer,” he says.
“Oh my god! Was the pickle slicer turned on?” she asks.
“Yeah,” he says.
“Well what happened to your penis!?” she asks.
“Nothing,” says the man.
She looks at him puzzled and asks, “Well then what happened to the pickle slicer?”
The man says, “She got fired too.”

Resurrected by numbsain…No, we don't have a mail room.

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