Saturday, December 6, 2008

(By request of Donk & Sheila B Cumming)

What’s the worst thing about women? Not knowing. Not knowing if you should make your move, or not make a false move, or pack up and move. Women are so unpredictable it’s like sleeping in a mine field full of crazy exploding bitches. But now you can take the mystery out of the missus with Rag-o-meter®! Place the Rag-o-meter® on her nape (or other area of exposed skin) and the readout shows you the full gamut of her emotions from, “Okay, but hurry up about it,” to “Get away from me before I mace you and call the police.” A second readout tells you where she is in her menstrual cycle, saving you those dangerous late night missions under the covers to check the viscosity of her vaginal mucous. “Oh no! She’s waking up! It’s got teeth! AAaargh!” You should have equipped her with the Rag-o-meter!® [add to cart]

Hottie or Rottie® Birth Control/Sexual Enhancer Hologram
This little marvel will transform even the skankiest washed up old hag into the girl of your dreams. Or it can turn the overzealous Mr. Happy Dong into a Wilting Willy in seconds. This amazing technology actually superimposes the female of your choice directly on top of the female your stuck with by using an animated holographic facade that tracks the gals movements so perfectly you’ll swear your fifty year old battle ax is Pamela Anderson! Or ladies can use it to transform their irresistible, youthful comeliness into wrinkled up, grandma-looking ugliness. Sure to make Mr. Gung Ho wither and shrivel like you’re a skank ho! No more unwanted premature ejaculations and no more boinking the same old nasty beeyotch, all in one amazing device. Hottie or Rottie®! Just buy the damn thing!

Boinking Buddy® Vaginal insert
The latest sexual enhancer from Sweden, the people who brought you the Saab, increases pleasure for both him and her by effectively extended him and tightening her. The form fitting outer surface contacts all the rights spots inside and outside the woman while the snug fitting inner surface makes even the flabbiest mayonnaise jar feel like her 14 year old daughter (or so we've heard). Make your 50th anniversary night feel like your honeymoon night. You never know ladies, you just might give him a heart attack and get his pension all to yourself! Turn back the clock, with Boinking Buddy®
[add to cart]

Tooth Shrew®
Have you ever had a wild shrew loose in your mouth? Well now you can. Multiple bristles and brush shapes, styles and thicknesses, spinning, vibrating, clawing and scratching (just like a wild shrew) all built into one frantically powerful device that you cover with toothpaste on all sides and pop into your mouth. Then flip the remote switch and the Tooth Shrew goes bezerk! Keep it inside your mouth as long as you can, and when you can’t hold it in any longer, the Tooth Shrew flies out (up to 10 feet). And guess what? Your teeth have never been cleaner! Sparkling, shining, dazzling teeth, a clean you can really feel! Just fish the tooth shrew out from behind the toilet, rinse and he’s ready to go next time. And 9 out of 10 dentist surveyed recommend teeth for their patients who chew. [add to cart]


You’re out in the wilderness, alone, it’s dark, you’re scared, you’ve wet yourself a little, The aroma of fresh urine permeates the air in a ratio of 1 part per million. That’s all it takes for a grizzly bear to track your scent and before you know it you’re standing face to face with a big, mean, drooling, snarling BEAR! (God he’s ugly!) What do you do? Unpack your rifle? No time! Run like hell? Unless your an Olympic athlete on steroids and PCP, you don’t stand a chance against a quadruped. In fact you’d have to be Superman himself to escape. But there is one thing you can do. Pull out your quick release can of an amazing new product called Bear-B-Gone! A combination genetically altered pepper spray, ultra concentrated mace, a powerfully corrosive molecular acid, a volatile and deadly flesh eating organism found on one of Jupiters moons, and military surplus grade napalm all at your fingertips, ready to be released in a high pressure aerosol propellant. Push the button and watch the fierce, powerful grizzly’s fur and flesh disintegrate before your very eyes! Bears literally melt and spontaneously combust into a pile of ashes in 3.7 agonizing seconds. Watch his big, scary, mean, growling face turn to a whimpering, simpering, scared for his life, little, crying, whiney-pants, sissy, reduced to groveling and begging for mercy at your feet the millisecond Bear-B-Gone comes in contact with his skin. But you’ll just laugh and stomp his head into the ground because...

“OW! OWW!!! YEEAAAARGH-GH-GH-G-G-grgule gurgle gurgle pffzzt!”

No, you don’t want to stomp his head because you’ll get a tiny speck of Bear-B-Gone on your shoe and in seconds you’ll be reduced to a blubbering, screaming little… well you get the idea. Bear-B-Gone!® It doesn’t FUCK around! [add to cart]

By numbsain…wherever great gifts are being shop lifted!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Numbsain me ole cobber, them christmas presents suggestions was smack on,done the trick all round. Did I tell you the old man done a new trick this year, he farted into balloons and hung em up in the ole gum tree and got the kids to burst them wi there reefers we put in the little darlings socks, well what a joy we all felt as the stench filled the room and are hearts and kept up the spirit of Christmas.
We was gonna have turkey but couldnt find the blighter, rekon he must have gone bush, so we sent Ma out to catch a roo, damn she can still run, the bastards are real hard to stuff un all! but she done it with no cmplainin, we'd have had a lamb but all that wool makes such a stink on the barbi, we've had Emu before but got sick of the stuffing lasting till the following christmas day. I reckon there must be folk all over the Blimey with all these problems and rekon your just the man to issue some warnings and maybe some recipes for left overs?
All the Best to you
Donk & Sheila B Cumming