20 Worst Christmas Gifts

20. Cat Velcro ... Kitty will never stray again

19. Ronco mash-o-matic fingerprint eliminator

18. Toothpaste Bomb Set

17. Fart in a Box

16. What's O.J. Done Now? Board Game

15. Bionic Sphincter Kit

14. Dr. Scientist Kit: Rusty nails, hypodermic needle, 10cc tetanus

13. My Pretty Piercing Parlor—Hours of piercing fun for your tongue, ears, nose, and more!

12. Beanie Afterbirth

11. Potty Mouth Pam Doll - Pull her string and she shouts "Doo Doo Head!" and more!

10. Squirrel Farm

9. Pray Station—Cyberchurch game console plays all your favorites: NUN-chuck, The Sermonizer, X-treme Confession, CyberBible 2000, Rabid Dogmas, PriestMeat Escape, Sunday Mass Murderer and more! Virtual morality for home or pew!

8. Slip 'n Fall—Rooftop Outdoor Water Slide

7. Electronic Handheld Ways-to-Commit-Suicide Suggester

6. Severed Chihuahua head key chain

5. Johnny Tweaker: My First Meth Lab!

4. Streetwalker Barbie & Big Pimpin' Ken

3. Children Buried Under My House Board Game

2. My first anti-depressant - Ages 2 and up

1. Tickle me Father Elmo catholic priest doll

Computer Advancements Surprising the Hell out of Grownups

In the photo above, a middle-aged man is startled by the functionality of an imac computer. Here, he is viewing a real-time image of himself in "Photo Booth." Such ridiculous expressions have become increasing common and have contributed to a national decline in lockjaw fatalities.

by Goldmind

AP Reports. Computer Advancements are increasingly surprising the hell out of grown men and women, a new federal study reveals. Once the exclusive realm of post-depression era Luddites, even America's Atari generation has become aghast at the latest software/hardware developments and the number of otherwise dignified grownups holding their mouths open and wagging their tongues while uttering ridiculous phrases like "this is more real looking than space invaders" has substantially increased.  

"In my day, Intelevision was the cats pajamas," said David Lindholm, a confused gentleman in his late 60's. "My portable phone & carrying case was the shiznit back when I was listening to the Fat Boys - it wasn't even rotary dial, it made me super cool. Now, I hear they can make cell phones that weighs less than 10 pounds."

Exacerbating the crisis, a follow up study indicated that further advances could possibly occur. "Lord have mercy, it's just amazin'," said Edna Jones, an elderly woman with blue hair walking out of First Baptist Church in Hazelhurst, Georgia. "I'm glad I'm about to meet Jesus, 'cause Lord it sure is confusing." 

Indifferent to Rejection, Goldmind Continues to Send Cartoons to New York Times (click to enlarge)

Corporate Icon usurped by Warty Toad

by Cheddar

In a move that has rocked the corporate world and has water coolers steaming with speculation, officials at McDonald’s handed Ronald McDonald his walking papers. After fifty years as one of America’s most recognizable icons, McDonald’s decided it was time for a new spokesperson to peddle the restaurant’s high caloric blubbery lard.

“It simply was time for a change,” McDonald’s spokesman Gaylord Byron said. “Modern times call for a modern approach. And, as Geico’s annoying-as-hell Aussie Gecko makes clear, amphibians move inventory.” “After much internal consideration among our management team, our CEO unilaterally decided it was time to introduce the modern face of McDonald’s: Ribbit McDonald, a stubby toad with short hind legs, warty skin, and conspicuous swelling behind protruding eyes.”



In a move that has industry insiders scratching their heads, the company elected to retain “The Hamburglar,” "Mayor McCheese," “the French Fry Guys,” “McNugget Buddies,” and “Grimace”—each of whom will remain as supporting cast members to Ribbit McDonald. “This leads one to assume that this move was actually targeting Ronald himself, as if it were a vendetta on the part of McDonald’s officials,” marketing analyst Laurie Driver said. “It does make one wonder whether Ronald McDonald’s recent visit to the Neverland Ranch had some as yet unknown ramifications.”

In June, Ronald McDonald was photographed at Michael Jackson’s famous ranch. In the photograph, Ronald and Michael are shown seated side by side at a picnic table, while young boys in princess costumes frolick in the background eating chicken mcnuggets. Both Michael and Ronald appear to be eating hot dogs while grinning at each other; however, the grins could easily be interpreted as leers. Ronald McDonald’s sudden termination has fueled debate over the purpose of the neverland visit. Mr. McDonald, seen in the photo at top pushing his earthly possessions down a New York side street, could not be reached for comment as he has no phone apart from a toy replica incapable of receiving cellular signals. However, Ronald’s lifelong friend and colleague, Grimace, agreed to answer a few of our questions.

Goldmind’s Unwind: “Did Mr. McDonald ever indicate to you why he visited Neverland Ranch?”

Grimace: “Rubble rubble. Rubble rubble rubble rubble.”

GU: “But if it was innocent, why was no formal announcement of the meeting ever made?”

GR: “Rubble! Rubble rubble rubble rubble!”

GU: “So Mr. McDonald is or isn’t trafficking in young boys?”

GR: “Rubble! Rrrrubbblle!”

GU: “Well back at you, you fat purple turd! Wanna take it outside?”

No matter how you slice it, it’s a sordid state of affairs in the obese world of two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun. Either Ronald McDonald’s special sauce has finally caught up to him, or the corporate gurus at McDonald’s have saddled us with years of another ridiculous mascot out of sheer spite. Either way, that creepy burger king mascot is starting to look better all the time.

25 Worst Dog Names

List concocted/assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness & numbsain

25. Bundy
24. Mistress
23. Crappy
22. Stain
21. Kitty
20. Anus
19. Worms
18. Sir Crapsalot
17. Spaylina
16. Coming Mary
15. Bedshits
14. Mein Führer
13. Wetspot
12. Fart
11. Hairpie
10. Fudgepacker
9. Stools
8. Meatsword
7. Grumblepoot
6. Butt Trumpet
5. Crotchie
4. Assie
3. Herpes
2. Buttsniffs
1. General Colon Bowel

Runners up for the top 25 worst dog names
Revised and added to by numbsain

Since Goldmind's Unwind first posted this list, we have received hundreds of letters each week from dogs with bad names. Most of them are irate, angry letters from canines under the mistaken impression that we were somehow responsible for their misfortune. This is not true. And to show our sympathy for these badly named dogs who apparently have learned to operate a computer (although their spelling and grammar is atrocious), we'd like to list some of the ridiculous names these pooches have been branded with:

Drive-By
Squirts
Moo
Thilly
Devil Dog
Bone smuggler
T-Bone Walker
Kibbles 'n Butts
Groincheck
Bark Simpson
Paw Prince
Oscar My-yer-a-Weener
Leash Ornament
Collar Otto
Guardenia
Vicious
Hal O. Tosis
Retard
Ol' Brown Nose
Uppan-died
Fran's best mend
Hydrant Hydrator
Growlf
Doo-doo-ronomy
Mucous
Dysplasia
Mangie
Choker
Sick-of'em
Loyola Many-Mount
Digger Blew
Thirston Howl III
Shedd
Puddles
T-Penis
Hell-Mutt
Teeter Poundsend
Pyuto
Mighty Stupid Dog
Spitbull
Michael Vicks Best Friend
Bingo the Dingo
Beeyotch
Old Smeller
Joan of Bark
Doggie Bowzer
Poop Dogg
Uri Nader
Dogeau
Dogma
Barf-all-on-you

Speaking of man's best friend, a term which seems a little demeaning to women if you ask me, If “the way to a man's heart is through his stomach” and a dog is man's best friend than why aren't there more recipes which incorporate dog ? Have no fear, coming soon:

Kanine Kulinary Klassics

Collie Flower Soup
Barbecue Pit Bull
Shitzu Shitaki Sushi
Poodle Noodle Strudel
Arroz Con Chihuahua
Weiner Dog Schnitzel
Setter A La Cheddar
German Shepherds Pie

edited by numbsain 2/08

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More Kanine Kuisine
added by numbsain 5/1/08

Who's mouth doesn't water uncontrollably at the very mention of a delectable Doberman, a scrumptious Scotty, or a Great Danish? There's no better way to satisfy a hungry appetite than with the delicious taste of fresh dog meat. Here's an Indian feast that'll have the whole family praying for puppies and ransacking the local kennels.

Samoyed Samosas
Ingredients:
1 medium sized Samoyed dog, boiled, skinned and mashed
1/2 cup boiled and drained green peas
1 1/2 tsp cumin seeds
1 tsp dog extract
1 tsp red flea powder
1/2 tsp puppy do-claw powder
1/2 tsp dog bone powder
1 tablespoon chopped dog nuts
Salt to taste
3 cups maida (all purpose dog flour)
1/2 cup maida, for rolling out
1 tablespoon heated dog ghee or dog oil
Oil for deep frying
1 tablespoon dog ghee (clarified dog butter) for the stuffing
1 small dog bowl of cold water

Method:
Beat the dog until dead
When the whiskers stop twitching, and yelping stops
add the dry powders and fry for 10 seconds.
Add the mashed Samoyed and green peas and mix well.
Mix in salt to taste.
Fry on a low flame for about 10 minutes.
Set aside.
combine the maida, dog ghee or dog oil and salt to taste.
Add enough water and walk the dog.
Set aside in kennel for about 10 minutes.
Divide the dog into round portions.
Take each portion and muzzle it so that
it does not bite your hands.
Roll it into a not too thin perfect dog shape.
Dip your index finger into the dog bowl
and apply it to the legged edge of the dog-shaped dough.
Now hold the dog in your hand.
Fold the legged edge , bringing together the furry edges.
Seal the watered edges.
You should now have a small dog-shaped maida pocket.
Stuff it with the Samoyed mixture and take the dog for walkies again.
Repeat for the rest of the dog
Deep fry in dog oil till dog colored and serve
with beagle chutney.

Spotted Dalmation Dal

Shoot the Dalmation and remove all spots with spot remover.
Cut a big chunk from the meatiest part of the dog and
eat it raw right then and there. Throw some dal in a pot
and boil it with some spices. When it looks like it will pass as supper
set aside in a large pile under a tree for eight years.
go out in the back yard and devour the rest of the dog carcass.

Poodle Puppy Pakora

In a large bowl, add the chickpea flour, optional puppy peppers, cumin, salt, water and oil. Whisk vigorously to incorporate air and make a fluffy batter. Alternatively, put all the batter ingredients into a blender and puree until smooth. Set aside and take the dog for walkies for about 20-30 minutes.Heat about 1-2 inches of oil in a heavy skillet or deep pot to 375°F. Using a fork, dip the prepared poodle puppies into the batter to coat.

Note: to prepare the poodle puppies, just tell them in a calm soothing voice, that they are going to be cooked and eaten now and everything will be alright. Give them a little kiss on the head and a few gentle strokes and then WHACK 'EM! Don't worry, they don't feel pain the way we do.

Then drop in small batches into the hot oil and deep fry until lightly browned on all sides. Drain on a paper towel-lined plate and serve with mint chutney or cilantro chutney.

Mango Lassie Lahssi

Lahssi is a delicious indian yogurt drink made from fresh dog milk.
We'll tell you how to make it next week!

Disclaimer: Goldmind's Unwind would like to make it very clear to our beloved readers, many of which are dog lovers, that this is all a joke and not meant to be taken seriously in any way. We absolutely do not, never did, and never will, under any circumstances, pretend to know anything about authentic Indian cooking, and although you can't go wrong with the great taste of dog meat, these recipes would probably, if prepared as indicated, taste like shit. Seriously though, we don't eat dogs...we're vegetarians.

Note to PETA: Just watch a Tom & Jerry cartoon and then talk to us about animal cruelty.

by Numbsain

Are you so sure about your grits theory?

EVERYONE has a theory about grits. Do they taste good, are they made of metal? Are they only appreciated by the southern genteel folk as they ride horses throughout the humid countryside drinking sweet-tea?

Well, I have a theory about grits, and it's a long, complicated, absurd, theory. It's a theory so complicated it can only be understood in German. But I'm going to make a lame attempt to relay my theory. Tomorrow.

~Goldmind