25 Worst Cat Names

Concocted/assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness & numbsain

25. Fruitpoot
24. Clawed
23. Sphinxter
22. Puss n' Butts
21. Lap Pussy
20. Long Duc Dong
19. Pissy
18. Fido
17. Sandshit
16. Joe Pastafazooka
15. Shitty Shat
14. Tubesteak
13. Itchypussy
12. Violinnards
11. Purr snatcher
10. Furburger
9. The Turdinator
8. Meouch
7. Fartbubbles
6. Vaginym
5. Queef
4. Napkin
3. Osama Bin lickin'
2. Dump Clump
1. Seoul Food

It should be noted that these names are, in actuality, names that humans have given cats and not names by which cats denote themselves. Some believe that the phonetic sounds produced by a cats vocal apparatus such as "Marl," "Marlo" or "Mew" (which would be short for "Bartholomew")are the cats name choices but this is a myth. These words actually mean: "Feed me" "Clean out my box" or "Excuse me, my tail seems to be pinned underneath you rocking chair leg. Could you please remove it at once?" these words and meanings are interchangable. In truth, cats have very unique and specific names and following is a list of all the known cat names:

Prencmukle
Verinccenzi
Guillumontague
Asperacticus
Feelschmelp
Schutzky
Bullmifer
Prudence
Fagafagamoomoo
Inscrepchima
Bowelfritter

All cats alive today in the modern world go by one of these names. (Not listed in alphabetical order because cats do not recognize any alphabet as we know it.) Interestingly, these names, although widely varying at first appearance, to the cat, are all pronounced "Meow" with extremely subtle differences which are undetectable to the human ear.

A Delicious Cat Recipe
This yummy dish is perfect for a light lunch when you have 14 five year olds over on the false premise of a birthday party. Don't tell the little bedwetters they've eaten cat until they've already gobbled it all down. Warning: This dish may cause diarrhea if served with a tall glass of embalming fluid.

1 Can—Cat Spam®
3 tbsps—Pure Cat Extract
1 Medium sized Cat (with fur)
12 dashes—Cat Zest
1/2 tsp—Knorrs Cat Seasoning
5 large—Russet Potatos
1/8 cup—Whole Watermelon
4 pcs—Crumbly Kitchen Sponge
2 1/2 tsps—Motor Oil
1 Whole Tuna Fish Vagina

Combine the Silly putty, Bamboo shoots and Aspirin in a medium sauce pan and fling out window. Sift together Cat Spam®, Sponge and Tuna Fish Vagina in large mixing bowl and set aside. Throw the potatos at the first buck-toothed lesbian you see (do not hurt or injure lesbian in any way. Lesbians are an important part of the ecosystem and should be treated with care). Mash the Cat until stiff peaks form and preheat oven to 13 degrees. Arrange the remaining ingredients decoratively in an Iron walrus embryo shaped skillet (If you don't have one shaped like a walrus embryo, forget the whole thing let all the ingredients run free in a sparsley populated area). Next eat the Cat Zest right out of the tube and serve at once. Serves 8 fat pigs or 400 older midgets who have stapled stomachs.

This space reserved as a memorial for our beloved deceased cat Limpy who was accidentally killed when he was run over by 43 cars on the freeway. (it may have been more but after 43 we stopped watching) We love you Limpy! Rest in Pieces!
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY
LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY
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It should also be noted that in cultures that accept the use of cat in the diet, there are other names given the cat and they are as follows:

Cat au Gratin
Cat with Rice
Sauteed Cat with Mixed Vegetables
Cheesy Cats n' Macaroni
Paté de Cat
Cat Loaf
Kittens in Blankets
Cat Stroganoff
Kitty Stew
Chat de la Gorgonzeaux, Encrusted with Blue Cheese and Peppercorns
Stuffed Cat
Spaghetti and Cat Sauce
Pussy Alfredo
Cat Carbonaro
Peanut Butter and Cat Sandwich
Kitten Milk
Fresh Seasoned Cat Chunks over a garlic rice pilaf
Catatouie
Raw Cat Hand Roll
Broiled Cats
Enchiladas Del Gato

Usually, these dishes are enjoyed with a hearty Merlot or a Dry Sherry. However if the cat is to be enjoyed as a cocktail, we recommend the following:

Cat Drinks:

Dry Cat Martini
Cat Gimlet
Shirley Tabby
Cat, Straight Up (no more than three recommended if driving)


Lastly, are the names given to cats in response to aberrant behavior. They are:

STUPID CAT!
DUMB JERK CAT!
DAMNED CAT!
GROSS, STINKY CAT!
DISGUSTING CAT!

We hope you have enjoyed this updated information and if any new developments in cat nomenclature arise, we will update again.

Glossary of Cat Definitions

Sable-Toothed Tiger—A species of prehistoric cat whose diet consisted of only russian squirrels
Tony-the Tiger—A mythological big cat who touted the GRRRrrreatness of corn and sugar in the diet
Catapult—A Medieval weapon used to hurl felines at the enemy with great force
Catastrophe—Any truly bad situation that can be blamed on the presence of a cat or cats.
Catamaran—A seafaring vessel used in the transportation of cats
Cataclysm—A major disturbance in the world that some damn cat caused
Catalack—A large luxury sedan owned by fat cats.
Aristocats—A disgusting cat joke often told to showcase a humorists tolerance for vulgarity

Cat Movie Reviews:
The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing
a delightful if heartwrenching saga of an American man who falls in love with a Native American girl named Cat Dancing. But there love is ill fated as he becomes obsessed with being a contestant on The Gong Show. His act consists of torturing helpless felines into “dancing,” but it's more like twitching and spasming due to electrical shocks he gives the tabby's with surgically implanted devices. Strong language, weak storyline, harsh meowing, full frontal cat nudity, the sex is violent so it's okay for the kiddies to watch.

25 Worst Dog Names

List concocted/assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness & numbsain

25. Bundy
24. Mistress
23. Crappy
22. Stain
21. Kitty
20. Anus
19. Worms
18. Sir Crapsalot
17. Spaylina
16. Coming Mary
15. Bedshits
14. Mein Führer
13. Wetspot
12. Fart
11. Hairpie
10. Fudgepacker
9. Stools
8. Meatsword
7. Grumblepoot
6. Butt Trumpet
5. Crotchie
4. Assie
3. Herpes
2. Buttsniffs
1. General Colon Bowel

Runners up for the top 25 worst dog names
Revised and added to by numbsain

Since Goldmind's Unwind first posted this list, we have received hundreds of letters each week from dogs with bad names. Most of them are irate, angry letters from canines under the mistaken impression that we were somehow responsible for their misfortune. This is not true. And to show our sympathy for these badly named dogs who apparently have learned to operate a computer (although their spelling and grammar is atrocious), we'd like to list some of the ridiculous names these pooches have been branded with:

Drive-By
Squirts
Moo
Thilly
Devil Dog
Bone smuggler
T-Bone Walker
Kibbles 'n Butts
Groincheck
Bark Simpson
Paw Prince
Oscar My-yer-a-Weener
Leash Ornament
Collar Otto
Guardenia
Vicious
Hal O. Tosis
Retard
Ol' Brown Nose
Uppan-died
Fran's best mend
Hydrant Hydrator
Growlf
Doo-doo-ronomy
Mucous
Dysplasia
Mangie
Choker
Sick-of'em
Loyola Many-Mount
Digger Blew
Thirston Howl III
Shedd
Puddles
T-Penis
Hell-Mutt
Teeter Poundsend
Pyuto
Mighty Stupid Dog
Spitbull
Michael Vicks Best Friend
Bingo the Dingo
Beeyotch
Old Smeller
Joan of Bark
Doggie Bowzer
Poop Dogg
Uri Nader
Dogeau
Dogma
Barf-all-on-you

Speaking of man's best friend, a term which seems a little demeaning to women if you ask me, If “the way to a man's heart is through his stomach” and a dog is man's best friend than why aren't there more recipes which incorporate dog ? Have no fear, coming soon:

Kanine Kulinary Klassics

Collie Flower Soup
Barbecue Pit Bull
Shitzu Shitaki Sushi
Poodle Noodle Strudel
Arroz Con Chihuahua
Weiner Dog Schnitzel
Setter A La Cheddar
German Shepherds Pie

edited by numbsain 2/08

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More Kanine Kuisine
added by numbsain 5/1/08

Who's mouth doesn't water uncontrollably at the very mention of a delectable Doberman, a scrumptious Scotty, or a Great Danish? There's no better way to satisfy a hungry appetite than with the delicious taste of fresh dog meat. Here's an Indian feast that'll have the whole family praying for puppies and ransacking the local kennels.

Samoyed Samosas
Ingredients:
1 medium sized Samoyed dog, boiled, skinned and mashed
1/2 cup boiled and drained green peas
1 1/2 tsp cumin seeds
1 tsp dog extract
1 tsp red flea powder
1/2 tsp puppy do-claw powder
1/2 tsp dog bone powder
1 tablespoon chopped dog nuts
Salt to taste
3 cups maida (all purpose dog flour)
1/2 cup maida, for rolling out
1 tablespoon heated dog ghee or dog oil
Oil for deep frying
1 tablespoon dog ghee (clarified dog butter) for the stuffing
1 small dog bowl of cold water

Method:
Beat the dog until dead
When the whiskers stop twitching, and yelping stops
add the dry powders and fry for 10 seconds.
Add the mashed Samoyed and green peas and mix well.
Mix in salt to taste.
Fry on a low flame for about 10 minutes.
Set aside.
combine the maida, dog ghee or dog oil and salt to taste.
Add enough water and walk the dog.
Set aside in kennel for about 10 minutes.
Divide the dog into round portions.
Take each portion and muzzle it so that
it does not bite your hands.
Roll it into a not too thin perfect dog shape.
Dip your index finger into the dog bowl
and apply it to the legged edge of the dog-shaped dough.
Now hold the dog in your hand.
Fold the legged edge , bringing together the furry edges.
Seal the watered edges.
You should now have a small dog-shaped maida pocket.
Stuff it with the Samoyed mixture and take the dog for walkies again.
Repeat for the rest of the dog
Deep fry in dog oil till dog colored and serve
with beagle chutney.

Spotted Dalmation Dal

Shoot the Dalmation and remove all spots with spot remover.
Cut a big chunk from the meatiest part of the dog and
eat it raw right then and there. Throw some dal in a pot
and boil it with some spices. When it looks like it will pass as supper
set aside in a large pile under a tree for eight years.
go out in the back yard and devour the rest of the dog carcass.

Poodle Puppy Pakora

In a large bowl, add the chickpea flour, optional puppy peppers, cumin, salt, water and oil. Whisk vigorously to incorporate air and make a fluffy batter. Alternatively, put all the batter ingredients into a blender and puree until smooth. Set aside and take the dog for walkies for about 20-30 minutes.Heat about 1-2 inches of oil in a heavy skillet or deep pot to 375°F. Using a fork, dip the prepared poodle puppies into the batter to coat.

Note: to prepare the poodle puppies, just tell them in a calm soothing voice, that they are going to be cooked and eaten now and everything will be alright. Give them a little kiss on the head and a few gentle strokes and then WHACK 'EM! Don't worry, they don't feel pain the way we do.

Then drop in small batches into the hot oil and deep fry until lightly browned on all sides. Drain on a paper towel-lined plate and serve with mint chutney or cilantro chutney.

Mango Lassie Lahssi

Lahssi is a delicious indian yogurt drink made from fresh dog milk.
We'll tell you how to make it next week!

Disclaimer: Goldmind's Unwind would like to make it very clear to our beloved readers, many of which are dog lovers, that this is all a joke and not meant to be taken seriously in any way. We absolutely do not, never did, and never will, under any circumstances, pretend to know anything about authentic Indian cooking, and although you can't go wrong with the great taste of dog meat, these recipes would probably, if prepared as indicated, taste like shit. Seriously though, we don't eat dogs...we're vegetarians.

Note to PETA: Just watch a Tom & Jerry cartoon and then talk to us about animal cruelty.

by Numbsain

Harold the Talking Dog

by numbsain
In the future, canine linguistics will become a national obsession and after 13 years of breakthroughs in genetic technology, scientists will find a way to make dogs talk. Unfortunately they'll overlooked one minor detail: Dogs don't have anything to say. And so in the future we'll be stuck with a lot of talkative dogs everywhere, babbling mindlessly about nothing in particular.

Harold: "Helpy Helpy! Gimme a penny. Pokey moo gimme spots! People feathers helpy, okay? No! Okay? No!"

The Human: Shut up Harold, stop bothering people, Don't listen to him, he doesn't really understand what he's saying.

Harold: "Bother people under stand really gimme gimme gimme a penny"

The Human: Shush I told you!

Harold: "Sorry sorry sorry gimme a meat. No? Now? No? Now? Meat? Gimme? Now? Now? No no no no. Now? hello, Now? No gimme sorry"

The Human: Now Harold, I have to go in the bank, wait out here and be good.

Harold: "Sorry good bank gimme spots go to the bank gimme? Sorry meat now? Okay okay okay. No!"

The Human: I'll just put this leash on you so you feel safer.

Harold: "Leash helpy yes fishy! Leash. NO NO NO! No Leash. No. No okay okay... Helpy Helpy! Gimme a penny? Fishy people. Now? now? No! Now? No! Yes Yes!!! Gimme Gimmee-e-e... m-e-a-t... p-e-n-n-y... zzzzzzzz...zzzzzzz...zzzzzz...zzzzzzz

The Human: Come on Harold! Let's go, Were you a good boy?

Harold: "People come drive big cars smashing helpy tree. Steps fall on me two people eat my foot. Now? Two people! A big cars drive on me twenty happy happy trees on a cars. Three people have meat gimme a penny! I have butts! I smell two a three people butts. Forty seven or two cars falling me a daddy mommy. Gimme gimme meat or cones helpy. Now? Now? No! No! No no. Okay?"

The Human: Now don't tell stories Harold.

Harold: "Harold tell? Gimme a penny hello Harold feet poll steps damp damp fuzzy doodoo No! No! Bowls cars jumping jumping"

The Human: Now Harold stop wandering off, stay at my heel.

Harold: "Left Front, Right back, Right Front, Left back, Left Front, Right back, Right Front, Left back, Left Front, Right back, Right Front, Left back...."

The Human: Look Harold, another doggy! It's your friend Milly!

Harold: GRO-O-O-W-W-L-L meat people CARS stop doo-doo people helpy moo cars cars TEETH TEETH FISHY TEETH!!!! GRR-R-R!!! BARK! BARK!

Milly: Hair! Bite smelly. Eggs party eggs! Milly, doors doors can of feet GRRRR... little socks toilet hair. Oh no, oh no! GRRRRR-R-R! Me? Me? Please sticky oh no!...

(To be continued... but why?)

Today's Spotlight on Addiction: The Scooby Doo Cartoon Problem

by Goldmind

Addiction. Is it a problem? Yes. For many, that addiction is narcotics; for others, gambling, sex, and Robitussin. Fortunately, assistance is available. Charitable organizations, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, continue to help struggling addicts tussle with inner demons through such radical techniques as the use of support groups.

There is, however, a debilitating addiction being swept under the green shag carpet. An addiction that has become so menacing, so terrifyingly alarming, it warrants two minutes of thoughtless reflection.

The following is an anonymous transcript secretly scribed at an underground meeting of an organization that is courageously opposing this addiction known throughout the televised world simply as…the cartoon “Scooby Doo.”

Hi, my name is John.

[collective reply from folks in room]:
“Hi John!”

This is my first time here…And, I, you know, I came to talk about…what it was like… My Scooby Doo problem.

I started watching Scooby Doo around 10 years ago. It was the good Scooby Doo…you know, the one that began with the bats flying out of the old mansion. Those damned bats! ... “Squeak squeak squeak squeak!” I can still hear the feint echo of their fleshy wings today…fluttering…fluttering.... I loved them. And each day, I would come home and sit down on my couch, eat cocoa puffs…and watch. Sometimes I’d sing along if it was a season two rerun. You remember the songs: “Seven days a week now! ….Seven days a week!” Its seductive beauty called to me like animated Sirens.

Unfortunately, I listened to that Siren song. I…I began to dress like them. An ascot, a lime-green t-shirt… an orange skirt… Each day, the same outfit. Then, slowly, I began to talk different. At first, it was subtle…an occasional “zoiks” if surprised, a judicious “jinkies” to express alarm, sometimes I even accentuated the punch lines of a bawdy joke with a well-timed “Jeepers!” But then it was entire sentences and, before long, I was forcing friends to listen to 30-minute soliloquies of dialogue from classic episodes like “Whose Afraid of the Big Bad Werewolf?”



It began to affect my relationships. I stopped hanging around airport bathrooms and took to running with a group of aimless teens. We bought a van; scrawled “mystery” on the side with a permanent marker, and frequented desolate roads and abandoned rock quarries. And there were the parties. Sometimes I arrived as a mummy pretending to search for an ancient, precious medallion; other times, as an angry Miner-49er, aggressively protecting a stash of buried gold. We would alternate chasing each other down long hallways…growling…swiping…stopping only when our victim, having carelessly dropped a pair of eye glasses, failed to realize we were a monster.



I bottomed out. My grandmother had had enough and… left me. Why? In a word - Daphne. Ahhhh, Daphne; I couldn’t get Daphne out of my head. I used to imagine us splitting up from the others, searching through hidden corridors, opening creaky doors and cupboards. I could no longer focus on my work as a royal food tester or on my wives and seventeen children. All I could see was Daphne’s swishing purple clad bottom and pink nylons. Daphne…Daphne... I became morbidly obese; the 35-layer hero sandwiches and 3 tons of Scooby snacks I consumed each night only seemed to exacerbate the problem. Then I

[Suddenly, a shout from someone in the back of room interrupts the speech]
“Hey…I don’t know WHO this guy is everyone, but I do know one thing, HE AIN’T JOHN. I KNOW a John!

[Stunned silence…then suddenly someone shouts “Get Him!” This is followed by complete chaos and shouting then the overhead lights go out but just as quickly come back on. A Sheriff suddenly appears in the room and speaks]:
“This man isn’t John?”

[Someone in the audience, while tightly gripping the man who may not actually be John, replies]:
“No. You see, that’s what they WANT you to think.”

[this person then rips of a mask that had been covering John’s face. Crowd loudly gasps and collectively shouts]:
It’s Mr. Wopples! The Chair of Scooby Doo Anonymous!!!

[Mr. Wopples sneers, then begins to speak in a menacing tone]:
“That’s right you dodo heads, it’s ME, Mr. Wopples!! I always hated you. ALL OF YA! It’s high time we stopped this nonsense…got back to the way things used to be. Hmmmph. And you know what else? I’d have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”

[The Sheriff smiles, then, while whisking the villain away says with a smile]:
“You kids did a fine job! Milkshakes on me!”



[One of the apprehenders named Fred shouts]
“Hey, everybody. Let’s head to the malt shop!!! [Cheers follow]

[Just then, a woman from the back of the room suddenly shouts]
“Wait…he’s still here!! The imposter…he must have gotten away from the Sheriff!!!”

[Panic abruptly ensues. Then a man named Shaggy tepidly approaches the villain and rips off yet another mask]
Hey, it’s my dog!!

Scooby Dooby Dooooooooooooo!!!!!!

[collective laughter] Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!!

[Cue bats flying out of mansion…squeak…squeak…squeak…squeak!]

Scooby Dooby Doo

Where are you?

We’ve got some work to do now...

Malfunctioning Cat

Dog Dominion Threatened

For centuries the conflict has raged. Even in peaceful interludes, there remains a subtle undercurrent of social unrest and political upheaval. Thanks to the recently established Miao Lin Temple and Martial Arts Training Facility, the balance of power in the age-old conflict between cats and dogs may at last have shifted.

In an exclusive interview, Defense Secretary Cuddles stated: “Yes, it may be true that we finally have the edge. The canines have always been bigger. They have always been able to generate more explosive bowel movements. But their days are numbered. Why? Winged dragon drool kick chop chop. It's a clandestine technique so powerful; so utterly lethal; that focus group lab rats have chewed off their own faces rather than endure it. This technique is so fast and so deadly, we are able to actually kick the snot out of dogs and that is proving to be the decisive in the war between our species."

To preempt potential political retribution, Coco Smoke, spokescat for the Feline Party, released a statement announcing that cats have recently made great strides in their receipt of human attention, love, and approval. "Favorite pet" numbers, though still favoring canines, presently tally as follows:

Owner prefers following type pet:

Dog............... 48% (down 7% from prior fiscal tax year)
Cat.................43% (up 28%)
Hamster.........5.6%
Bird................4.4%
Pygmy Marmoset......... -1%
Other...........naught

~numbsain, Goldmind