ZooBreak
Episode 2—the actual escape itself


If you missed the first episode of “Zoobreak” here's a link:
Zoobreak 1

In the last episode, the members of the Unwillingly Relocated Animals Brigade of the East African Serengeti Territory (U.R.A.B.E.A.S.T.) (okay it's a stretch but it's not a bad anagram for a bunch of animals) were planning their escape from the Bronx Zoo. Despite some differences among themselves, they managed to formulate a pretty decent plan to free themselves from captivity. Getting back to East Africa was going to be a little trickier.

Baboon: Okay, huddle up animals! Mr. Potamus brings up a good point. I figure we head for the Queen Elizabeth.

Hippo: Duh... but how can she help?

Elephant: He's talkin' about the boat.

Crocodile: Lovely! I've always wanted to experience the luxury of an ocean liner cruise!

Baboon: Well I don't think Tom Jones is gonna be performing in the Sea Breeze Lounge but if we can get to the docks early enough, you carnivores can make a light breakfast of the crew and we can weigh anchor before the coast guard even knows what happened. but we're gonna have to travel about 20 mph to get to the boat on time.

Hippo: Duh-uh-oh! My top speed is 3 mph. Just go on ahead without me. I don't mind being gawked at by humans for the rest of my life.

Lioness: Aw see that ain't right. We can't just leave him here. I’ve got an idea. I think I know of a way for Mr. Potamus to travel first class! By plane!

Hyenas: Ha-ha-ha Hyuk-yuk-yuk! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hee-hee Ha-ha!

Lioness: What is so DAMN funny!?

Hyenas: Nothin'! We're laughing hyenas, it's just what we do. tee-hee, giggle...

Lioness: Oh! ...Alright then, as I was saying; Now ya'll seen that big fat human female got the TV show...wusser name? Oh yeah, Oprah! Well, me an my homegirls here are gonna give Mr. Potamus a MAKE OVER and we'll pass him off as Oprah!!!

Hyenas: HAHAHAHA!! HAW HAW HO HO HO HEE HEE (gasp) Guffaw-haw-haw Ho-o-o-owl-l Har-har Hyuk-yuk-yuk! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hee-hee Ha-ha... ha... hee... hee... (gulp) What?

Lioness: (SMACK!!!) And don't be tryin’ a play dat; "it's what we do" routine with ME! Now go scavenge some purses. We need air fare for Mr. Oprahpotamus.

Hyenas: Hng!... Hng!

Lioness: You laugh an' it'll be your last laugh.

[Later]

Baboon: Now how are we going to explain to the zookeeper why Oprah's in the Hippo's cage?

Lioness: He does look pretty damn good, don't he?

Elephant: I know I'll regret saying this, but humans are so dumb, I bet we could all pass for 'em.

Lionesses: Uh wa-a-ait a minute. What human are you gonna be? / Yeah it would have to be a behemoth of a human, no offense... ahem...

Gorilla: Oh! who's that one on TV? Sally Struthers!

Baboon: Do any of you apes know how to play instruments?

Chimps: No.

Baboon: Great! you can be Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. And let’s see, long face, long face...Got it! Two zebras can be Joan Rivers and that butt ugly daughter of hers. And one of you can be ex-presidential candidate, John Kerry.

Chimp: Speaking of presidents, Who does this look like?

Cheetah: GotDAMN that’s ugly! But you do look exactly like him.

Baboon: You dopes, George W. Bush has his own private jet, it won’t work.

Macaw: Okay, picture me with a little goatee and a guitar.

Baboon: Prince. You got it.

Gorilla: I jutht got a totally ludicrouth idear, it’th tho ludicrouth, it jutht might woik...

Baboon: Mike Tyson. Perfect! Alright, the rest of us can all go as contestants on “The Price Is Right.” That show is a zoo anyway.

[Three weeks later]

Baboon: I can’t believe we all made it! Except for...where’s Mr. Potamus?

Elephant: Oh, he got called back to the set to tape another show.

[Later on the news]

Anchor: Well, more news about Oprah. Suddenly, she’s become very involved in the animal rights movement. She’s donating all her wealth to improve habitat conditions in zoos all over the world. It also looks like she’s changed her appearance again. She seems to have lost a lot of weight.

ZOOBREAK!

Baboon: Alright listen up! The eagle flies at midnight. That'll be your cue, big cats. You need to have the perimeter secured by 12:15am. We're looking at two guards. So you have five minutes to stalk 'em, ten minutes to polish 'em off.

Lionesses: Baby, that's fast-food for us! / Yeah, the UN-happy meal! Hah! / Hee-hee-hee, you know that's right, girl!

Baboon: Then we spring the zebras, okapis, bongos, antelope, gazelles ...y'know, the "legs." The simians are next, so swing by here and we'll follow you guys to the main gate.

Zebra: Okay, Babs. We'll lead the way, but make sure your 'mates stay with the herd.

Chimp: Hey, don't worry about us: monkey see, monkey do... just like clockwork baby.

Baboon: Okay, next order of business is the main gate. Who's taking care of that?

Elephant: What's the load rating on that bad boy?

Spider monkey: 4000 lb iron gate, 2 ton steel latch, so I'd say... 2500 lbs of pressure should snap it, if you hit it right at the latch.

Elephant: Sheeit! This's gon' be a baby elephant walk.

Spider monkey: Yeah but you gotta hit the latch side, not the hinge side. Don't forget!

Elephant: Forget? Monkey, Ple-e-ease.

Flamingo: Hey, shouldn't we fly the coop next?

Baboon: If you want the whole neighborhood to know about it! You guys are like a neon sign.

Crocodile: May I suggest we release the meerkats, prairie dogs and possibly the more diminutive primates at an earlier juncture so as to initiate the pre-navigational reconnoissance well-prior to our departure en masse?

Gorilla: Who talks like that? Could you repeat that in plain old junglese, Professor O'Dile?

Cheetah: He means, we should send out the scouts early-on so we know where the hell we're goin'. He's right y'know, 'cause once I make my move, I'm like; Ptweeeeooo! Outta there like a bullet. It would be nice to have a target so I don't overshoot.

Zebra: Oh, you mean like that time my little baby sister gave you that head fake back on the Serengeti? Ha Ha Ha!

Other Zebras: HA-HA-HA Hee-Hee Whineee-e-e Ha-Ha! Zeeb', she put a MOVE on 'im! He was halfway to Mozambique by the time he figured it out! HEE-HEE HA-HA ho- ho.

Hyenas: HYUK-HYUK HA-HA-HA-HO-HO HOO-HOO HA...

Cheetah: SHUT-UP!!! They wasn't talkin' to you, hyena!

Baboon: Settle down! We gotta herd together!

Lion: Damn right! Nobody's eatin' NOBODY until we're all safely back home! And you'd think certain SCAVENGERS would remember who does the dirty work for them.

Buzzard: No shit, Holmes! Don't be dissin' the paw you should be kissin'!

Lionesses: Thass right baby! You don't taste 'em 'til we waste 'em! / HA-HA! You go girl! / High four! (Fub!) / Tell 'em sistah!

Lion: Right! Now back to business!

Hyenas: Tee hee giggle, sorry your Royal Majesty. We have no bone to pick with, er, without you.

Rhino: clomp clomp clomp clomp CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP! (skreech!) What'd I miss?

Elephant: Oh, so nice of you to show up, Mr. Nocerus. You think this is all a BIG GAME?

Rhino: Hey, I figured you were still in the planning stages, what do you need me for?

Lorakeet: Psst, dude, that okapi over there just said: "Well it sure ain't for your brains, you bone-head!"

Rhino: HEY! WHO YOU CALLIN' BONE-HEAD, OKA-PEA-BRAIN!!??

Okapi: How the hell did you hear that?

Rhino: A little birdie told me!

Baboon: Now Look! We're never gonna pull this off if we keep fighting amongst ourselves. Now I don't expect love and devotion between predator and prey, but you herbivores; can't you all just get along?

Gorilla: Speaking of herbivores, is there a giraffe in here? Why don't he speak up?

Giraffe: Thpeak up? I normally have to thpeak down to you, thilly.

Chimp: Hey, how's the weather up there, Stretch?

Giraffe: Gee, that wath tho original.

Hippo: Du-u-h, hey you guys, isn't there like, an ocean between here and Africa?

To be continued...


by numbsain

Click here for the exciting conclusion to Zoobreak!

The Mashugga Megillah of the Bialy

by numbsain

A beautiful thing, a real bialy is. It's like a bagel but without the hole in the middle. A good thing, that; If I'm shelling out my dough, Some schmuck taking dough out of the middle of my bagel, I don't need! What do they think, out of my tuchus there's money flying? I should be so lucky. To impress a lady, I would just moon her. God forbid I should be robbed by a homosexual pervert.

But as I was saying, No, instead of a hole, a little indent and some chopped onions and poppy seeds for an extra bonus they put in there. But the starter dough they use, is what makes a bialy "a bialy." And from my mouth to your ear, 150 years ago, in a little town in Poland called Bialystok, that starter dough was first created.

Just a little putz, my grandfather was, when one day, from the bakery he owned, his father came home and the most delicious bread rolls they ever ate, he had with him, a basketful of. To my grandfather, a little wad of dough, he handed and said:

"Menachem, dis dough, with yaw life you should guard. Ven you grow up, a bakery of your own, you vil have and oy, such a success it'll be, with starter dough so good as dis."

A bissel of dough, a teenage boy is supposed to care about?

Weeks and weeks, in his pocket the dough sat and, of course, all the time rising and when it got too big, with his fingers, my grandfather would smoush it down. To read an assignment in front of the class, he was asked by the teacher one day. Standing in front of the class, the bulge in his pants, one girl in the front noticed. Like a puppy dog after that, this young goyeh started following him around. Long story-short, married they ended up, and soon, to America they moved, all because of that dough. Enough gelt to buy a whole new wardrobe, they had, with parents like hers, so rich they were. But the pants wit the dough, he kept always and all the way across the ocean, In a suitcase, in the pocket of the pants, the dough kept rising. Nearly bursting out from the suitcase, the dough was by the time they arrived. "Oy! What is dis? In the garbage, that suitcase should be. A disgusting thing like that i need? Feh!"

So into the trash bin it went. Well, from working at his father's Chinese restaurant down the street, this young Chinese boy came walking along. "In the garbage, they throw pants so good as these?" the boy said in astonishment. Back to his mother, he brought them to be cleaned. "Mazel tov, bubeleh! A fortune we can make with this dough from the pocket of those pants." She told her son.

Now, a pretty good egg roll they made, sure. But a fortune? ...eh, not so much. Troubles like you wouldn't believe, the father was having and the Chinese restaurant... Feh, kaput it went after a year. To clean out the place, they came, the new owners did. And still there, in a pot, was the dough. So big it was getting by then, the owners daughter thought: "Such a waste. Food is food, better I should keep some." So in a little bag she put a smidgen and into the purse.

As luck would have it, sent by a nice man who owned a little bakery, a love letter was waiting when she got home. Who knew? She agreed to meet with him and on their date, still in her purse, the bag of dough was, so to him, she gave it. The best bagels in the world, he made with that dough, so good, a little hole, he didn't want to put, so "No hole!" he said. "Maybe just make a little dent and... I don't know, I could smoush some o' these onions in there, that's good." And that's the history of the bialy as we know it.

25 Worst Cat Names

Concocted/assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness & numbsain

25. Fruitpoot
24. Clawed
23. Sphinxter
22. Puss n' Butts
21. Lap Pussy
20. Long Duc Dong
19. Pissy
18. Fido
17. Sandshit
16. Joe Pastafazooka
15. Shitty Shat
14. Tubesteak
13. Itchypussy
12. Violinnards
11. Purr snatcher
10. Furburger
9. The Turdinator
8. Meouch
7. Fartbubbles
6. Vaginym
5. Queef
4. Napkin
3. Osama Bin lickin'
2. Dump Clump
1. Seoul Food

It should be noted that these names are, in actuality, names that humans have given cats and not names by which cats denote themselves. Some believe that the phonetic sounds produced by a cats vocal apparatus such as "Marl," "Marlo" or "Mew" (which would be short for "Bartholomew")are the cats name choices but this is a myth. These words actually mean: "Feed me" "Clean out my box" or "Excuse me, my tail seems to be pinned underneath you rocking chair leg. Could you please remove it at once?" these words and meanings are interchangable. In truth, cats have very unique and specific names and following is a list of all the known cat names:

Prencmukle
Verinccenzi
Guillumontague
Asperacticus
Feelschmelp
Schutzky
Bullmifer
Prudence
Fagafagamoomoo
Inscrepchima
Bowelfritter

All cats alive today in the modern world go by one of these names. (Not listed in alphabetical order because cats do not recognize any alphabet as we know it.) Interestingly, these names, although widely varying at first appearance, to the cat, are all pronounced "Meow" with extremely subtle differences which are undetectable to the human ear.

A Delicious Cat Recipe
This yummy dish is perfect for a light lunch when you have 14 five year olds over on the false premise of a birthday party. Don't tell the little bedwetters they've eaten cat until they've already gobbled it all down. Warning: This dish may cause diarrhea if served with a tall glass of embalming fluid.

1 Can—Cat Spam®
3 tbsps—Pure Cat Extract
1 Medium sized Cat (with fur)
12 dashes—Cat Zest
1/2 tsp—Knorrs Cat Seasoning
5 large—Russet Potatos
1/8 cup—Whole Watermelon
4 pcs—Crumbly Kitchen Sponge
2 1/2 tsps—Motor Oil
1 Whole Tuna Fish Vagina

Combine the Silly putty, Bamboo shoots and Aspirin in a medium sauce pan and fling out window. Sift together Cat Spam®, Sponge and Tuna Fish Vagina in large mixing bowl and set aside. Throw the potatos at the first buck-toothed lesbian you see (do not hurt or injure lesbian in any way. Lesbians are an important part of the ecosystem and should be treated with care). Mash the Cat until stiff peaks form and preheat oven to 13 degrees. Arrange the remaining ingredients decoratively in an Iron walrus embryo shaped skillet (If you don't have one shaped like a walrus embryo, forget the whole thing let all the ingredients run free in a sparsley populated area). Next eat the Cat Zest right out of the tube and serve at once. Serves 8 fat pigs or 400 older midgets who have stapled stomachs.

This space reserved as a memorial for our beloved deceased cat Limpy who was accidentally killed when he was run over by 43 cars on the freeway. (it may have been more but after 43 we stopped watching) We love you Limpy! Rest in Pieces!
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LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY
LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY
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It should also be noted that in cultures that accept the use of cat in the diet, there are other names given the cat and they are as follows:

Cat au Gratin
Cat with Rice
Sauteed Cat with Mixed Vegetables
Cheesy Cats n' Macaroni
Paté de Cat
Cat Loaf
Kittens in Blankets
Cat Stroganoff
Kitty Stew
Chat de la Gorgonzeaux, Encrusted with Blue Cheese and Peppercorns
Stuffed Cat
Spaghetti and Cat Sauce
Pussy Alfredo
Cat Carbonaro
Peanut Butter and Cat Sandwich
Kitten Milk
Fresh Seasoned Cat Chunks over a garlic rice pilaf
Catatouie
Raw Cat Hand Roll
Broiled Cats
Enchiladas Del Gato

Usually, these dishes are enjoyed with a hearty Merlot or a Dry Sherry. However if the cat is to be enjoyed as a cocktail, we recommend the following:

Cat Drinks:

Dry Cat Martini
Cat Gimlet
Shirley Tabby
Cat, Straight Up (no more than three recommended if driving)


Lastly, are the names given to cats in response to aberrant behavior. They are:

STUPID CAT!
DUMB JERK CAT!
DAMNED CAT!
GROSS, STINKY CAT!
DISGUSTING CAT!

We hope you have enjoyed this updated information and if any new developments in cat nomenclature arise, we will update again.

Glossary of Cat Definitions

Sable-Toothed Tiger—A species of prehistoric cat whose diet consisted of only russian squirrels
Tony-the Tiger—A mythological big cat who touted the GRRRrrreatness of corn and sugar in the diet
Catapult—A Medieval weapon used to hurl felines at the enemy with great force
Catastrophe—Any truly bad situation that can be blamed on the presence of a cat or cats.
Catamaran—A seafaring vessel used in the transportation of cats
Cataclysm—A major disturbance in the world that some damn cat caused
Catalack—A large luxury sedan owned by fat cats.
Aristocats—A disgusting cat joke often told to showcase a humorists tolerance for vulgarity

Cat Movie Reviews:
The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing
a delightful if heartwrenching saga of an American man who falls in love with a Native American girl named Cat Dancing. But there love is ill fated as he becomes obsessed with being a contestant on The Gong Show. His act consists of torturing helpless felines into “dancing,” but it's more like twitching and spasming due to electrical shocks he gives the tabby's with surgically implanted devices. Strong language, weak storyline, harsh meowing, full frontal cat nudity, the sex is violent so it's okay for the kiddies to watch.

Corporate Icon usurped by Warty Toad

by Cheddar

In a move that has rocked the corporate world and has water coolers steaming with speculation, officials at McDonald’s handed Ronald McDonald his walking papers. After fifty years as one of America’s most recognizable icons, McDonald’s decided it was time for a new spokesperson to peddle the restaurant’s high caloric blubbery lard.

“It simply was time for a change,” McDonald’s spokesman Gaylord Byron said. “Modern times call for a modern approach. And, as Geico’s annoying-as-hell Aussie Gecko makes clear, amphibians move inventory.” “After much internal consideration among our management team, our CEO unilaterally decided it was time to introduce the modern face of McDonald’s: Ribbit McDonald, a stubby toad with short hind legs, warty skin, and conspicuous swelling behind protruding eyes.”



In a move that has industry insiders scratching their heads, the company elected to retain “The Hamburglar,” "Mayor McCheese," “the French Fry Guys,” “McNugget Buddies,” and “Grimace”—each of whom will remain as supporting cast members to Ribbit McDonald. “This leads one to assume that this move was actually targeting Ronald himself, as if it were a vendetta on the part of McDonald’s officials,” marketing analyst Laurie Driver said. “It does make one wonder whether Ronald McDonald’s recent visit to the Neverland Ranch had some as yet unknown ramifications.”

In June, Ronald McDonald was photographed at Michael Jackson’s famous ranch. In the photograph, Ronald and Michael are shown seated side by side at a picnic table, while young boys in princess costumes frolick in the background eating chicken mcnuggets. Both Michael and Ronald appear to be eating hot dogs while grinning at each other; however, the grins could easily be interpreted as leers. Ronald McDonald’s sudden termination has fueled debate over the purpose of the neverland visit. Mr. McDonald, seen in the photo at top pushing his earthly possessions down a New York side street, could not be reached for comment as he has no phone apart from a toy replica incapable of receiving cellular signals. However, Ronald’s lifelong friend and colleague, Grimace, agreed to answer a few of our questions.

Goldmind’s Unwind: “Did Mr. McDonald ever indicate to you why he visited Neverland Ranch?”

Grimace: “Rubble rubble. Rubble rubble rubble rubble.”

GU: “But if it was innocent, why was no formal announcement of the meeting ever made?”

GR: “Rubble! Rubble rubble rubble rubble!”

GU: “So Mr. McDonald is or isn’t trafficking in young boys?”

GR: “Rubble! Rrrrubbblle!”

GU: “Well back at you, you fat purple turd! Wanna take it outside?”

No matter how you slice it, it’s a sordid state of affairs in the obese world of two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun. Either Ronald McDonald’s special sauce has finally caught up to him, or the corporate gurus at McDonald’s have saddled us with years of another ridiculous mascot out of sheer spite. Either way, that creepy burger king mascot is starting to look better all the time.

25 Worst Dog Names

List concocted/assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness & numbsain

25. Bundy
24. Mistress
23. Crappy
22. Stain
21. Kitty
20. Anus
19. Worms
18. Sir Crapsalot
17. Spaylina
16. Coming Mary
15. Bedshits
14. Mein Führer
13. Wetspot
12. Fart
11. Hairpie
10. Fudgepacker
9. Stools
8. Meatsword
7. Grumblepoot
6. Butt Trumpet
5. Crotchie
4. Assie
3. Herpes
2. Buttsniffs
1. General Colon Bowel

Runners up for the top 25 worst dog names
Revised and added to by numbsain

Since Goldmind's Unwind first posted this list, we have received hundreds of letters each week from dogs with bad names. Most of them are irate, angry letters from canines under the mistaken impression that we were somehow responsible for their misfortune. This is not true. And to show our sympathy for these badly named dogs who apparently have learned to operate a computer (although their spelling and grammar is atrocious), we'd like to list some of the ridiculous names these pooches have been branded with:

Drive-By
Squirts
Moo
Thilly
Devil Dog
Bone smuggler
T-Bone Walker
Kibbles 'n Butts
Groincheck
Bark Simpson
Paw Prince
Oscar My-yer-a-Weener
Leash Ornament
Collar Otto
Guardenia
Vicious
Hal O. Tosis
Retard
Ol' Brown Nose
Uppan-died
Fran's best mend
Hydrant Hydrator
Growlf
Doo-doo-ronomy
Mucous
Dysplasia
Mangie
Choker
Sick-of'em
Loyola Many-Mount
Digger Blew
Thirston Howl III
Shedd
Puddles
T-Penis
Hell-Mutt
Teeter Poundsend
Pyuto
Mighty Stupid Dog
Spitbull
Michael Vicks Best Friend
Bingo the Dingo
Beeyotch
Old Smeller
Joan of Bark
Doggie Bowzer
Poop Dogg
Uri Nader
Dogeau
Dogma
Barf-all-on-you

Speaking of man's best friend, a term which seems a little demeaning to women if you ask me, If “the way to a man's heart is through his stomach” and a dog is man's best friend than why aren't there more recipes which incorporate dog ? Have no fear, coming soon:

Kanine Kulinary Klassics

Collie Flower Soup
Barbecue Pit Bull
Shitzu Shitaki Sushi
Poodle Noodle Strudel
Arroz Con Chihuahua
Weiner Dog Schnitzel
Setter A La Cheddar
German Shepherds Pie

edited by numbsain 2/08

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More Kanine Kuisine
added by numbsain 5/1/08

Who's mouth doesn't water uncontrollably at the very mention of a delectable Doberman, a scrumptious Scotty, or a Great Danish? There's no better way to satisfy a hungry appetite than with the delicious taste of fresh dog meat. Here's an Indian feast that'll have the whole family praying for puppies and ransacking the local kennels.

Samoyed Samosas
Ingredients:
1 medium sized Samoyed dog, boiled, skinned and mashed
1/2 cup boiled and drained green peas
1 1/2 tsp cumin seeds
1 tsp dog extract
1 tsp red flea powder
1/2 tsp puppy do-claw powder
1/2 tsp dog bone powder
1 tablespoon chopped dog nuts
Salt to taste
3 cups maida (all purpose dog flour)
1/2 cup maida, for rolling out
1 tablespoon heated dog ghee or dog oil
Oil for deep frying
1 tablespoon dog ghee (clarified dog butter) for the stuffing
1 small dog bowl of cold water

Method:
Beat the dog until dead
When the whiskers stop twitching, and yelping stops
add the dry powders and fry for 10 seconds.
Add the mashed Samoyed and green peas and mix well.
Mix in salt to taste.
Fry on a low flame for about 10 minutes.
Set aside.
combine the maida, dog ghee or dog oil and salt to taste.
Add enough water and walk the dog.
Set aside in kennel for about 10 minutes.
Divide the dog into round portions.
Take each portion and muzzle it so that
it does not bite your hands.
Roll it into a not too thin perfect dog shape.
Dip your index finger into the dog bowl
and apply it to the legged edge of the dog-shaped dough.
Now hold the dog in your hand.
Fold the legged edge , bringing together the furry edges.
Seal the watered edges.
You should now have a small dog-shaped maida pocket.
Stuff it with the Samoyed mixture and take the dog for walkies again.
Repeat for the rest of the dog
Deep fry in dog oil till dog colored and serve
with beagle chutney.

Spotted Dalmation Dal

Shoot the Dalmation and remove all spots with spot remover.
Cut a big chunk from the meatiest part of the dog and
eat it raw right then and there. Throw some dal in a pot
and boil it with some spices. When it looks like it will pass as supper
set aside in a large pile under a tree for eight years.
go out in the back yard and devour the rest of the dog carcass.

Poodle Puppy Pakora

In a large bowl, add the chickpea flour, optional puppy peppers, cumin, salt, water and oil. Whisk vigorously to incorporate air and make a fluffy batter. Alternatively, put all the batter ingredients into a blender and puree until smooth. Set aside and take the dog for walkies for about 20-30 minutes.Heat about 1-2 inches of oil in a heavy skillet or deep pot to 375°F. Using a fork, dip the prepared poodle puppies into the batter to coat.

Note: to prepare the poodle puppies, just tell them in a calm soothing voice, that they are going to be cooked and eaten now and everything will be alright. Give them a little kiss on the head and a few gentle strokes and then WHACK 'EM! Don't worry, they don't feel pain the way we do.

Then drop in small batches into the hot oil and deep fry until lightly browned on all sides. Drain on a paper towel-lined plate and serve with mint chutney or cilantro chutney.

Mango Lassie Lahssi

Lahssi is a delicious indian yogurt drink made from fresh dog milk.
We'll tell you how to make it next week!

Disclaimer: Goldmind's Unwind would like to make it very clear to our beloved readers, many of which are dog lovers, that this is all a joke and not meant to be taken seriously in any way. We absolutely do not, never did, and never will, under any circumstances, pretend to know anything about authentic Indian cooking, and although you can't go wrong with the great taste of dog meat, these recipes would probably, if prepared as indicated, taste like shit. Seriously though, we don't eat dogs...we're vegetarians.

Note to PETA: Just watch a Tom & Jerry cartoon and then talk to us about animal cruelty.

by Numbsain

Little Deer (click to enlarge)

Goldmind recently discovered the cartoon at left, titled "Little Deer," in the bottom of a dusty drawer in his California condo. Turns out, Goldmind first assembled this cartoon in 1997. This discovery was quite baffling. After all, the lines delivered by the hapless deer were recently attributed to a yawning rabbit in a post that appeared on this Blog just 2 weeks ago.

According to Dr. Scientist, the odds of this coincidence occurring are 1,456,292,109,200 to 1. It is, therefore, the opinion of Goldmind's Unwind that it is the destiny of the U.S. to see this cartoon and that it will initiate a global change in consciousness that will create everlasting peace.

Harold the Talking Dog

by numbsain
In the future, canine linguistics will become a national obsession and after 13 years of breakthroughs in genetic technology, scientists will find a way to make dogs talk. Unfortunately they'll overlooked one minor detail: Dogs don't have anything to say. And so in the future we'll be stuck with a lot of talkative dogs everywhere, babbling mindlessly about nothing in particular.

Harold: "Helpy Helpy! Gimme a penny. Pokey moo gimme spots! People feathers helpy, okay? No! Okay? No!"

The Human: Shut up Harold, stop bothering people, Don't listen to him, he doesn't really understand what he's saying.

Harold: "Bother people under stand really gimme gimme gimme a penny"

The Human: Shush I told you!

Harold: "Sorry sorry sorry gimme a meat. No? Now? No? Now? Meat? Gimme? Now? Now? No no no no. Now? hello, Now? No gimme sorry"

The Human: Now Harold, I have to go in the bank, wait out here and be good.

Harold: "Sorry good bank gimme spots go to the bank gimme? Sorry meat now? Okay okay okay. No!"

The Human: I'll just put this leash on you so you feel safer.

Harold: "Leash helpy yes fishy! Leash. NO NO NO! No Leash. No. No okay okay... Helpy Helpy! Gimme a penny? Fishy people. Now? now? No! Now? No! Yes Yes!!! Gimme Gimmee-e-e... m-e-a-t... p-e-n-n-y... zzzzzzzz...zzzzzzz...zzzzzz...zzzzzzz

The Human: Come on Harold! Let's go, Were you a good boy?

Harold: "People come drive big cars smashing helpy tree. Steps fall on me two people eat my foot. Now? Two people! A big cars drive on me twenty happy happy trees on a cars. Three people have meat gimme a penny! I have butts! I smell two a three people butts. Forty seven or two cars falling me a daddy mommy. Gimme gimme meat or cones helpy. Now? Now? No! No! No no. Okay?"

The Human: Now don't tell stories Harold.

Harold: "Harold tell? Gimme a penny hello Harold feet poll steps damp damp fuzzy doodoo No! No! Bowls cars jumping jumping"

The Human: Now Harold stop wandering off, stay at my heel.

Harold: "Left Front, Right back, Right Front, Left back, Left Front, Right back, Right Front, Left back, Left Front, Right back, Right Front, Left back...."

The Human: Look Harold, another doggy! It's your friend Milly!

Harold: GRO-O-O-W-W-L-L meat people CARS stop doo-doo people helpy moo cars cars TEETH TEETH FISHY TEETH!!!! GRR-R-R!!! BARK! BARK!

Milly: Hair! Bite smelly. Eggs party eggs! Milly, doors doors can of feet GRRRR... little socks toilet hair. Oh no, oh no! GRRRRR-R-R! Me? Me? Please sticky oh no!...

(To be continued... but why?)

Tales of the Big Ass Wolf. Episode 1 (click to enlarge)

by Goldmind

Malfunctioning Cat

No Evil Monkeys, by numbsain (click to enlarge)