Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Episode 2—the actual escape itself

If you missed the first episode of “Zoobreak” here's a link:
Zoobreak 1

In the last episode, the members of the Unwillingly Relocated Animals Brigade of the East African Serengeti Territory (U.R.A.B.E.A.S.T.) (okay it's a stretch but it's not a bad anagram for a bunch of animals) were planning their escape from the Bronx Zoo. Despite some differences among themselves, they managed to formulate a pretty decent plan to free themselves from captivity. Getting back to East Africa was going to be a little trickier.

Baboon: Okay, huddle up animals! Mr. Potamus brings up a good point. I figure we head for the Queen Elizabeth.

Hippo: Duh... but how can she help?

Elephant: He's talkin' about the boat.

Crocodile: Lovely! I've always wanted to experience the luxury of an ocean liner cruise!

Baboon: Well I don't think Tom Jones is gonna be performing in the Sea Breeze Lounge but if we can get to the docks early enough, you carnivores can make a light breakfast of the crew and we can weigh anchor before the coast guard even knows what happened. but we're gonna have to travel about 20 mph to get to the boat on time.

Hippo: Duh-uh-oh! My top speed is 3 mph. Just go on ahead without me. I don't mind being gawked at by humans for the rest of my life.

Lioness: Aw see that ain't right. We can't just leave him here. I’ve got an idea. I think I know of a way for Mr. Potamus to travel first class! By plane!

Hyenas: Ha-ha-ha Hyuk-yuk-yuk! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hee-hee Ha-ha!

Lioness: What is so DAMN funny!?

Hyenas: Nothin'! We're laughing hyenas, it's just what we do. tee-hee, giggle...

Lioness: Oh! ...Alright then, as I was saying; Now ya'll seen that big fat human female got the TV show...wusser name? Oh yeah, Oprah! Well, me an my homegirls here are gonna give Mr. Potamus a MAKE OVER and we'll pass him off as Oprah!!!

Hyenas: HAHAHAHA!! HAW HAW HO HO HO HEE HEE (gasp) Guffaw-haw-haw Ho-o-o-owl-l Har-har Hyuk-yuk-yuk! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hee-hee Ha-ha... ha... hee... hee... (gulp) What?

Lioness: (SMACK!!!) And don't be tryin’ a play dat; "it's what we do" routine with ME! Now go scavenge some purses. We need air fare for Mr. Oprahpotamus.

Hyenas: Hng!... Hng!

Lioness: You laugh an' it'll be your last laugh.


Baboon: Now how are we going to explain to the zookeeper why Oprah's in the Hippo's cage?

Lioness: He does look pretty damn good, don't he?

Elephant: I know I'll regret saying this, but humans are so dumb, I bet we could all pass for 'em.

Lionesses: Uh wa-a-ait a minute. What human are you gonna be? / Yeah it would have to be a behemoth of a human, no offense... ahem...

Gorilla: Oh! who's that one on TV? Sally Struthers!

Baboon: Do any of you apes know how to play instruments?

Chimps: No.

Baboon: Great! you can be Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. And let’s see, long face, long face...Got it! Two zebras can be Joan Rivers and that butt ugly daughter of hers. And one of you can be ex-presidential candidate, John Kerry.

Chimp: Speaking of presidents, Who does this look like?

Cheetah: GotDAMN that’s ugly! But you do look exactly like him.

Baboon: You dopes, George W. Bush has his own private jet, it won’t work.

Macaw: Okay, picture me with a little goatee and a guitar.

Baboon: Prince. You got it.

Gorilla: I jutht got a totally ludicrouth idear, it’th tho ludicrouth, it jutht might woik...

Baboon: Mike Tyson. Perfect! Alright, the rest of us can all go as contestants on “The Price Is Right.” That show is a zoo anyway.

[Three weeks later]

Baboon: I can’t believe we all made it! Except for...where’s Mr. Potamus?

Elephant: Oh, he got called back to the set to tape another show.

[Later on the news]

Anchor: Well, more news about Oprah. Suddenly, she’s become very involved in the animal rights movement. She’s donating all her wealth to improve habitat conditions in zoos all over the world. It also looks like she’s changed her appearance again. She seems to have lost a lot of weight.


Cassie said...

Very funny. You should try standup. I must get back to read the rest of your blog before dark.

numbsain said...

Why thank you Cassie, It's always a pleasant surprise when those of the canine persuasion visit my blog.
And even more of a surprise when quadrupeds such as yourself can read and fact that's amazing! Wait did you say “before dark”? Um why? What happens after dark? Oh, I get it, you're a weredog! Human by day, dog by night. That's why you have to read before dark. Well, It's always an honor when supernatural beings visit my blog. Thanks again Cassie...or should I call you 'Count Cassie'? Bwahahaha!

Anonymous said...

Hi there Numbsain old Buddy,Helen Back here,are you a screen writer you should be! I have just finished a screen drama about a dental technician whom gets the sack after thousands of complaints from patients after they left his practice with prominent pointy teeth,even those that only come out at night,the boys in blue were called in and suspsected the techno to be a relative to the Count Dracula,the star of this epic is to be called Barron Cauldar,and hopefully played by Larry Hagman.
Excellent work Numbsain,Keep up the jolly old work,aye whot!whotto,write again soon,tally ho!!!!!!!