Goldmind's Unwind

Justin & Amber Visit the Future!


Tourguide: Hi, my name is Triscuit and I’ll be your tour guide. Welcome to the Twenty Third Century—The Shopping Age. We’ll start the tour at Abercrombe & Fitch where we’ll groom you and dress you in the latest accessories so you’ll fit in. Step on the red squares please.

[bzzzzt]

Justin: W-what just happened?

Triscuit: You just transcommuted 200 miles to the Abercrombe & Fitch Beauty Megaplex. First, take off those old-fashioned granny clothes and put these on.

Amber: On what? there isn’t enough material here to cover my birthmark.

Triscuit: Oh don’t worry, here in the future medical science has eliminated sexual diseases and all breeding is done by automation so it’s no longer necessary to hide our sexual parts. Modesty is a thing of the past.

Justin: I don’t know about this honey, I think they’re perverts.

Triscuit: Perverts? Are you two perverts? Great! You’ll love the new Sexual Perversion Center!

[bzzzzt]

Triscuit: Welcome to “Disney’s World of Freaky Fucking!” C’mon in and we'll slip you a Mickey!

Amber: Ew! That’s the sickest thing I’ve ever seen the Seven Dwarfs do.

Triscuit: Oh that’s just the kiddie section, You'll probably want to try the new, “Dumbo; Take It All Bitch!” ride or “Bust a Nut” with Chip and Dale. Look! You can even take a flying fuck with Woody Woodpecker!

Justin: No that’s okay, we’re not perverts.

Triscuit: Oh, I’m sorry, the little guys not working so well? We can get you up in no time.

Justin: Hey get your hands off my...

Amber: Yeah, Cheez-it. Get your hands off his...

[DING DONG]

Triscuit: Oh there’s the lunch bell, Hungry?

Justin: Uh, yeah, I guess so.

Amber: Sure.

Triscuit: Here you go, one for you and one for you. Oh, and this is for little Justin.

Justin: (gulp) Woah! Uh, I’m sorry, this has never happened to me before.

Amber: Honey stop that! You’re embarrasing us.

Justin: I can’t help it, I think it was that pill.

Triscuit: If you’re not ready to use it yet just slip this over it.

Justin: Th-Thanks.

Amber: What’s this pill for?

Triscuit: It’s lunch.

Justin: (Gulp)

Amber: (Gulp) ...That was it? That wasn’t very enjoyable.

Triscuit: Oh, you want enjoyment? You’ll love the “Jolly Rancher Enjoyment Center’s Flavorama Hypertongue Lounge!” Let’s go! Step—

Justin: I know, the red squares

[bzzzzt]

Amber: Ew, honey. What’s going on here?

Justin: You think I know? Uh, miss why are all those people sticking their tongues out at us?

Amber: Yeah and that guys sticking out his...

[DING-A-LING]

Triscuit: Step back please! They’re not sticking them out at us, this is Skittlesville!

[ZWO-O-O-OSH-SH-SHHH]

Justin: What the hell was that?!

Triscuit: Those colors that just went by? Those people just tasted the rainbow.
And she’s one of the skittleskilled specialists giving that guy a rainbow job!

Justin: Hey I wanna...

Amber: Don’t even think about it, honey!

Triscuit: Oh you don’t have to be such an uptight bitch miss. This is the Enjoyment Center!

Amber: What?! No she didn’t just call me a...

Justin: Hey, I thought you said we could enjoy our lunch here.

Triscuit: Sure right this way... here we are, have a seat. Here’s the menu.

Justin: Wow, it’s huge! Look at all this stuff! Huh?! Why is their a foot on here? And a pair of panties?

Triscuit: You can enjoy the taste of just about anything here.

Amber: Oh my god? It’s a giant...

[DING DONG]

Triscuit: That’s the dinner bell!

Justin: Uh, I’m not hungry anymore.

Amber: Actually I wouldn’t mind trying the giant...

Justin: Don’t even think about it, honey!

Triscuit: Well there’s plenty more to enjoy at the Enjoyment Center!

Justin: I think I’d rather just take a nap. Can you tell us where our hotel room is?

Triscuit: Sure, you’re staying at the Cloud Nine. Ready?

Justin: Uh-huh, (yawn)

[bzzzzzt]

Concierge: Welcome to the Cloud Nine. Sucking or Non-Sucking?

Justin: What do you mean?

Concierge: The Cloud Nine features Sucking Rooms where you’re in a constant vacuum. All your bodily emissions are immediately sucked away and you never have to go to the bathroom!

Justin: That sounds weird, Non-Sucking.

Concierge: Certainly, now if you use the auto sleep feature, be sure you’re lying down when you push the button. Would you like your entertainment center plugged right in to your visual cortex?

Amber: Okay, I guess.

Concierge: Your room is ready. Step on the red square.

[bzzzzt]

Justin: I’m gonna push the sleep button honey, I’m bushed.
Good ni—

[ding] [flump!]

Amber: Gee I’m not tired. I wonder if they have a gym. Oh here we go. I’ll just push “workout.”

[ding]

[please lay down to commence full body aerobic workout.]

Amber: Okay now what? Aa-a-a-a! W-wh-a-a-t’s ha-a-a-ap-p-p-en-i-ing?-?

[Workout complete. Ten thousand calories burned. Eight pounds lost. please consume the post-work-out dietary pill on the night stand to your left. Thank you.]

[later that night]

Justin: (Yawn) Wow, I feel totally rested and only 3 hours have gone by! He-e-y, Amber looks hot laying there asleep on the bed. I sure could go for a quickie right now...

[Please place penis in the Quickiemate receptacle to your left]

Justin: Huh? Hmmm, why not? Aah!...Oh yeah! Oh my God Yeah! YESSSS!!!

Amber: Having fun?

Justin: AMBER! This is not what it looks like. The Quickiemate means nothing to me.

Amber: I’m not speaking to you!

Justin: But, but, ...Quickiemate, tell her!

Quickiemate: [I’m not speaking to you either]



By numbsain.