Sunday, July 27, 2008

I Swear!

I went to the doctor today. I remember him saying I might have Alzheimer’s. So I guess he was wrong. I could have sworn he also said I have...SHIT! what was the name of that FUCKING disease? ...Oh, yeah Turret's. FUCKIN-A man! I swear, my luck sucks. The other day I had a sucking chest wound. That sucked big time. My grandfather came to visit me in the hospital.
I said, “Please help me grampa, it hurts!”
He said, “I can't do shit!”
I said, “Why not.”
He said, “My colostomy bag is full”
I told him, “Why don't you go blow it out yer ass, grampa!”
He said, “No asshole!”
I said, “Are you calling me an asshole?”
He said, “No, I have no asshole.”
I said, “I just chewed you a new asshole.”
He said, “Thanks a lot,”
I said, “Go ahead, call me an asshole.”
He said, “I did, he's on his way.”
Just then the asshole walks in.
I said, “Doc, you asshole, you forgot to give me my pain meds!”
The doc said, “I don't give out pain meds. The nurse does that”
I said, “Send her in!”
He said, “I can't, your not covered.”
I said, “I'm sure she's seen a naked man before.”
Anyway I fully recovered from my sucking chest wound but I met a girl in the hospital.
I asked her why she was there.
She said, “I've got acute angina.”
I said, “I'll bet you do! I've got one-eye Willy!”
She said, “Willy? Which one?”
I said, “I can take it out of it's hiding place?
She said, “An eye socket?”
I said, “You can do whatever you want with it.”
I realized after our first date she was dumber than a box of rocks.
So I married her and we were having our first kid.
“Come on Roxanne, You're gonna be late for lamaze class.”
“Oh I'm sure they won't mind if some of lamaze are a little late.
So finally she goes into labor and I lost my job. I went to the labor board and told them the situation. they suggested an abortion.
I said, “It's a little late for that, I'm thirty five.”
They said, “Not you, the baby.”
I said, “the baby's not pregnant.”
I went back to the hospital and I told them I wanted my wife to have an abortion. They told me they don't do abortions.
I said, “Can I be an organ donor?”
They said, “What organ do you want to donate?”
I said, “My wife’s uterus.”


Anonymous said...

yoos in the wrong bizness Dude, you should be out there wich da greats, screen writing, get it !!!!!!!!!!
lots of love from Iva
Iva million

Anonymous said...

Hey, d you like footy? I mean like baseball un all that?
Ada mant

numbsain said...

Yo Ada & Iva Yooz guys are kind and strange. Footy? Baseball? The wrong Bidness? You mean pimpery? I would write screens in a hot drizzle if I had the zookie to dip my cookie in the mookie. Toss me a hookie and my azzowski is kapowski, if I may be perfectly polishious.