Goldmind's Unwind

I Swear!


I went to the doctor today. I remember him saying I might have Alzheimer’s. So I guess he was wrong. I could have sworn he also said I have...SHIT! what was the name of that FUCKING disease? ...Oh, yeah Turret's. FUCKIN-A man! I swear, my luck sucks. The other day I had a sucking chest wound. That sucked big time. My grandfather came to visit me in the hospital.
I said, “Please help me grampa, it hurts!”
He said, “I can't do shit!”
I said, “Why not.”
He said, “My colostomy bag is full”
I told him, “Why don't you go blow it out yer ass, grampa!”
He said, “No asshole!”
I said, “Are you calling me an asshole?”
He said, “No, I have no asshole.”
I said, “I just chewed you a new asshole.”
He said, “Thanks a lot, you...you...”
I said, “Go ahead, call me an asshole.”
He said, “I did, he's on his way.”
Just then the asshole walks in.
I said, “Doc, you asshole, you forgot to give me my pain meds!”
The doc said, “I don't give out pain meds. The nurse does that”
I said, “Send her in!”
He said, “I can't, your not covered.”
I said, “I'm sure she's seen a naked man before.”
Anyway I fully recovered from my sucking chest wound but I met a girl in the hospital.
I asked her why she was there.
She said, “I've got acute angina.”
I said, “I'll bet you do! I've got one-eye Willy!”
She said, “Willy? Which one?”
I said, “I can take it out of it's hiding place?
She said, “An eye socket?”
I said, “You can do whatever you want with it.”
I realized after our first date she was dumber than a box of rocks.
So I married her and we were having our first kid.
“Come on Roxanne, You're gonna be late for lamaze class.”
“Oh I'm sure they won't mind if some of lamaze are a little late.
So finally she goes into labor and I lost my job. I went to the labor board and told them the situation. they suggested an abortion.
I said, “It's a little late for that, I'm thirty five.”
They said, “Not you, the baby.”
I said, “the baby's not pregnant.”
I went back to the hospital and I told them I wanted my wife to have an abortion. They told me they don't do abortions.
I said, “Can I be an organ donor?”
They said, “What organ do you want to donate?”
I said, “My wife’s uterus.”