Goldmind's Unwind

NUMBSAIN’S EYEWITLESS NEWSFLINCH


US Government Found Not Guilty In 9/11
Startling new findings in the 9/11 investigation reveal that the twin towers actually did collapse as a result of a terrorist action by the Middle East, thus removing all suspicion of involvement on the part of the U.S. government. A recent military raid of an Iraqi home near Bagdad recovered the diary of 6 year old Saheed Momar, In which Momar admits to invoking Allah to cause the World Trade Center Towers to fall down. The entry reads as follows:
“Dear Allah, oh great and wise, please grant me my only wish in life and I will forever be your loyal servant. Please make the World Trade Center fall down as it represents the evil of the western civilization and its destruction would send a message to the evil American government that they are evil. Thanks Allah I know you won’t let me down. Sincerely Saheed”
Momar confessed to soldiers under intensive interrogation and “light to medium torture with the option to sexually abuse,” that on the morning of September 11 he wished real hard for the disaster and just moments later U.S. Government officials choreographed and executed the attack, covered up all evidence of the operation, and even falsified press releases while in a trance-like state after which they had no recollection of doing so. The president was completely unaware of his actions and helplessly under the influence of a hypnotic trance obviously induced by Momar’s powerful invocation of Allah. President Bush stated in a press conference, “One minute I was innocently finishing up my breakfast of fried babies heads and eggs and the next thing I knew I was in Florida hearing the news that I had just blown up the World Trade Center. I knew Allah had something to do with it.”


Balls Yanked
An FDA recall on Rocky Mountain Prairie Oysters has restaurants pulling their supplies as the administration disseminates new evidence that the nutty-flavored delicacy is actually the gonads of the mature male bull. A meat packing plant specializing in prairie oysters was shut down after a food inspector busted their nuts at a Chicago Bistro where they were being served. One customer had this to say, “Oh my God, you mean I’ve been eating balls? Why don’t I just go suck a cows dick fer chrissake!”

Gas Companies Invite Customers to “Come and Get It”
With gas prices going through the roof in today’s disastrous economy, Gas companies have jointly come up with a way to drop their prices down lower than they’ve been in years. All major oil companies have decided to lower the price of regular gas to $2.50 per gallon! To offer this discount they impose only one stipulation. Gas will only be sold in the state of Tennessee. The up to 1500 miles some customers must travel to fill up will offset the oil companies' losses.

Recall on Eaten Food
Some FDA approved food products which have proved to be harmless while in the package are now found to be a deadly health hazard once eaten by consumers. General Foods Inc. Has ordered a full recall on these foods, but only in their fully digested state, since before consumption they pose no health risk. General Foods Inc. Suggests rather than return the digested product, consumers should simply flush the product down the toilet immediately.

Touched By a Ten Foot Pol'
Five year old Jimmy Reese of North Carolina was lying in a hospital bed dying of an incurable disease when a miracle came and saved his life. Lech Kalinowski, a pituitary giant from Warsaw who stands ten feet in height and who was born gifted with supernatural healing abilities, visited Jimmy and laid his massive hands on the boy. The Next day Jimmy made a complete recovery. Doctors reported, “We had tried everything to save Jimmy. He was so contagious we didn't want to touch him with a ten foot pole. But ironically it took the touch of a ten foot Pol to save his life.”

Numbsain's Eyewitless Newsflinch was brought to you by a sentimental old fool with an itchy, bleeding heart in his eye.