Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The U-Men
From the ghettos of the X-Universe come the U-Men. Some are ex-X-Men who were exiled, some were exed after the auditions, some never even tried out for the part. These are the U-Men. U doesn't stand for anything but neither does X.

His super power is his ability sleep off drug binges and come back to life as mentally acute as he’s ever been. He once slept for a month after securing residence at an apartment he was supposed to maintain while the tenants were on vacation. When they returned, all the plants and animals were dead. but amazingly he slept right through the dog gnawing all the toes off of his left foot!

The Orifice
One of the most awesome and powerful of the U-Men, also called the “Mayonnaise Jar” she takes on even the largest of opponents, and several at a time, completely swallowing them up never to be seen again—they don’t even call! The Orifice fills her days with seeking fresh meat and herself with anything she can find.

It is impossible to injure, break or harm his legs in any way. Not because they’re indestructible, because he doesn’t have any. There is an ongoing debate as to whether he is a true U-Man and not just a paraplegic as he was not born a mutant but simply had a hemi-corporectomy after a skiing accident.

This obese U-Man was dubbed Ovaltine for his ability to consume victuals at an alarming rate and his favorite is to guzzle copious amounts of rich, chocolatey Ovaltine often depleting whole grocery store supplies...Wait a minute! He’s not a freaking U-Man he’s just a big fat pig!

The Vortex
This spinning spiraling creature possesses the uncanny power to twirl and twist matter into a vortex and thus make it disappear completely without a trace. Actually he’s mostly done it with fecal matter although he did flush a few small animals down the swirling porcelain vortex.

The Cheek
I know what you’re thinking; “that’s not a super power, having a really big cheek” Yes, but when he forages for berries and twigs in the warm summer months, he can store them in his cheek pouch for the long winter months to come. It’s all part of the natural ecosystem in our Wild America!

The Disbeliever
Completely impervious to indoctrination, propaganda, subliminal messages or brainwashing of any kind, This U-woman is chronically skeptical and always bears a look of disbelief. This Doubting Thomasina is so wary of everything that she often looks in the mirror just to make sure she really exists.

Able to fell mighty saplings with just 8,465 gnaws of her powerful choppers, (it would take the average person 453,098 gnaws), she suffers from chronic TMJ from chewing all that wood, but on the up side, she has amazingly powerful jaws and if she wanted to she could pull a small trailer with her teeth. She just doesn’t want to because her TMJ hurts too much not to mention there are a lot better ways to pull a trailer.

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