Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Wachieu Ouil'ite

I had dinner at one of those ultra-snooty, fru-fru, hoity toity, fancy schmancy restaurants the other day. One of those places where they give you seventeen forks, I guess to make sure nobody eats with their hands. And the food is stacked so tall you have to carefully deconstruct it like JENGA© before eating it. There's a guy in the bathroom that dispenses everything for you and wipes down the urinal after you pee. You order a steak and they let you choose the steer you want it butchered from. They had a pond which could be seen from the window near our table. It was full of swans and flamingos and anytime anyone ordered fowl of any kind, a person could be seen abducting one of them. Closer inspection revealed they were being released back into the pond just out of view. but the funniest thing about this place was the menu. It read something like this:


Le Salad Course

Fresh Wildcrafted Certified Organic; Baby Escarole Leaves, Baby Arugula Leaves, Baby Butter Lettuce, Broken Hearts of Romaine, Baby Endive Sloops, Pre-Pubescent Spinach Leaves, Adolescent Mescul Lettuce Leaves, Adult Kohlrabi Sprigs, Elderly Basil Leaves, Geriatric Radicchio, Aloda Cabbage, Nasturtium Petals and Gotumai Head Lettuce.
Lavishly Embellished with:
Julienne of; Red, Green, Mauve, Taupe and Plaid Peppers, Rednecked Jicama, Wild Rock Beet, Spring Leek, Knottnessa Celery, Parisian Parsnip, Bung Mean Sprouts and Blanched Sunflower Seeds.
Heirloom Tomatoes; Cuore Di Toro, Bloody Butcher, Lady-of-the Evening and Roma Eleganté.
Wild and Subdued Mushrooms; Portlibelli, Phuket Shitake, Asian Pagoda Mildew, Chantrelles, Costa Fortuna Truffles, Verriag Spencif Truffles, Cantefordese Truffles.
Forest Greens; Baby Birch Fipples, Elkhorn Pine Twirlies, Marinated Briar Thorns. Fir Kazoos
Masterfully Accentuated with;
Dam Gouda Cheese, Steen Keiffete Cheese, Aged Imported Swiss Velveeta, French Poodle Chevre, Icelandic Brazil Nuts, Rainbow Sprinkles, Crack Horehound Pepper, Cubes of Very Stale Bread.
Tossed About Haphazardly in a Dressing of;
Balsamic Vinegar, Ultra Virgin Olive Oil, Pennzoil 10-30, Imitation Pure Beluga Caviar, Pure Cold-Pressed Oil of Olay, Essence of Spam Extract, Land Salt, Aero Salt, Assorted Unknown Herbs, Nak-Nak Powder, Cumin Powder, Lemmein Juice, No. Havana Key Lime Juice, Diced Rolaids and MSG.

If you are an octogenarian, ask about our other salad choices.

Le Pasta Course
Thirteen-Foot Verrilonguini Pasta Crocheted into a Pleated Chenille Afghan and Matching Neck Warmer. Drizzled with; Everglades Crocodile Based Mesquite Roasted Tarantula Leg Carbonara .
Promiscuously Intermingled with; Jerked Tibetan Oxtail simmered in a Moose Gristle Broth Reduction and Fuji Apple Jack.

Le Entree Course
Free-Range Spoon-fed Kobe Lobster Tails enveloped in a Bottle-Raised Egyptian Green Falafel Crust.
Fatally Suffocated in; a Sesame Tahini, Teriyaki, Tiziki, Tandoori, Tumany Tutaistany Sauce.
Brilliantly Dazzled with; Lightly Seasoned Bread Crumbs and Various Sweepings from the Kitchen Floor

Supportively Accompanied by;

Savory Baked Alaska of Dorset Horned Sheep Cheese Ice Cream with Peacock Egg Merengue over a Savory Veal Molé Brownie.

With Special Guest Side Dish Cameo Appearance;

Russet Potato Jacket Stuffed with a different Russet Potato, Shucked Chives, Sour Créme Not-So Fraiche, with Wild Boar Proscuitto Sleeves & Collar, Ostrich Breast Filled Ravioli Buttons.

Dessert Course
Criminally Decadent, Perversely Overindulgent, Deleriously Demented Quintuple Chocolate Psychosis Cake. Completely Deluged with Octuple Fudge Butter Cream Icing.


By numbsain

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