The U-Men

From the ghettos of the X-Universe come the U-Men. Some are ex-X-Men who were exiled, some were exed after the auditions, some never even tried out for the part. These are the U-Men. U doesn't stand for anything but neither does X.

Hibernator
His super power is his ability sleep off drug binges and come back to life as mentally acute as he’s ever been. He once slept for a month after securing residence at an apartment he was supposed to maintain while the tenants were on vacation. When they returned, all the plants and animals were dead. but amazingly he slept right through the dog gnawing all the toes off of his left foot!


The Orifice
One of the most awesome and powerful of the U-Men, also called the “Mayonnaise Jar” she takes on even the largest of opponents, and several at a time, completely swallowing them up never to be seen again—they don’t even call! The Orifice fills her days with seeking fresh meat and herself with anything she can find.


Half-Nelson
It is impossible to injure, break or harm his legs in any way. Not because they’re indestructible, because he doesn’t have any. There is an ongoing debate as to whether he is a true U-Man and not just a paraplegic as he was not born a mutant but simply had a hemi-corporectomy after a skiing accident.


Ovaltine
This obese U-Man was dubbed Ovaltine for his ability to consume victuals at an alarming rate and his favorite is to guzzle copious amounts of rich, chocolatey Ovaltine often depleting whole grocery store supplies...Wait a minute! He’s not a freaking U-Man he’s just a big fat pig!


The Vortex
This spinning spiraling creature possesses the uncanny power to twirl and twist matter into a vortex and thus make it disappear completely without a trace. Actually he’s mostly done it with fecal matter although he did flush a few small animals down the swirling porcelain vortex.


The Cheek
I know what you’re thinking; “that’s not a super power, having a really big cheek” Yes, but when he forages for berries and twigs in the warm summer months, he can store them in his cheek pouch for the long winter months to come. It’s all part of the natural ecosystem in our Wild America!


The Disbeliever
Completely impervious to indoctrination, propaganda, subliminal messages or brainwashing of any kind, This U-woman is chronically skeptical and always bears a look of disbelief. This Doubting Thomasina is so wary of everything that she often looks in the mirror just to make sure she really exists.


Beaver
Able to fell mighty saplings with just 8,465 gnaws of her powerful choppers, (it would take the average person 453,098 gnaws), she suffers from chronic TMJ from chewing all that wood, but on the up side, she has amazingly powerful jaws and if she wanted to she could pull a small trailer with her teeth. She just doesn’t want to because her TMJ hurts too much not to mention there are a lot better ways to pull a trailer.

Undomesticated Partners

Letting my girlfriend move in with me was a mixed blessing...and a 100% straight up mistake. Girls are pigs! At least the kind I date. But that's totally by my choice, I can get hot chicks if I want to.

I moved in with a supermodel once. She was beautiful, rich, refined...I didn't like it though. Between her calling the police on me, pressing charges and the restraining order, I just had to tell her, “Sorry babe, you're just too high maintenance for me. Gonna have to cut you loose.” and that was it. After my sentencing, I never saw her again.

Looking back at that relationship, I see now, that I made mistakes too. I guess I should have told her I was moving in with her...or at least met her first...and not broken in to her house, waited behind the door in the dark until she came home...I wanted to surprise her with the flowers...but the vase gave her a concussion. Ah, that was a different time, a different felony.

So, my current girlfriend is a dumpy stupid trailer-trashy pig and I let her move in. (No, not Britney Spears). But it's a big change from single life. For one thing, having sex with a partner is a lot better than regular sex. But no more getting ready for work in the dark, that's for sure.

Let's see, I don't have to worry about getting a yeast infection in my teeth—They really shouldn't put Vagisil in the same sized tube as Crest.

I shouldn't have worn her thong panties instead of my tighty whiteys to work today but I didn't have time to dig through the hamper. Besides my cheeks needed flossing anyway.

The deodorant I put on almost killed me. It was strong enough for a man, sure, but the pH was totally wrong! Oh my god, lesbians kept coming up behind me going; “Oh, I love the way you don't smell.” Of course, when I turned around they left. It was the pH balance of my pits that fooled them, that and the whale tail.

Women use a lot more products than men. My shower is suddenly overrun with shampoos, conditioners... and why does she need “body wash” and “facial cleanser?”...I have one bottle of Suave. I use it for everything, mouthwash, carpet cleaner, bathroom disinfectant, windshield washer fluid... My Suave is cowering in the corner with the label half ripped off, saying, "I tried to stop them!"

And then there's the cosmetics and make-up everywhere. On the upside, I had an important meeting and I hadn't slept so I looked like hell. It's amazing what a little foundation and a touch of eyeliner will do. And Maxi Pads sure come in handy when you're out of toilet paper.

The only other woman I've ever lived with was my mother. My girlfriend is very different from mom. I was shocked when I came home and the sink was still full of dirty dishes! And the guy in the bed was not my dad! That reminded me of mom. There was a logical explanation for him being there though. She said his name was Steve and she was fooling around with him on the side...

I said, “that's cool... C'MON IN TRIXIE! MY GIRLFRIEND SAY'S IT'S OKAY!” So that was a relief. I was worried about that. I kind of forget to mention to my girlfriend that it was an open relationship. So did she apparently. So we ended up having kind of an orgy. It was really great. But after that one time, we've decided to take the relationship more seriously now and be monogamous.

Things are working out really well. We've both been faithful and I think I may be in love. Now I come home to clean dishes, dinner is ready when I walk in the door and it's always delicious, Yeah, Steve actually likes doing housework. There's still cosmetics and make-up everywhere though.

Steve's kind of like my girlfriend was in that respect. But in every other respect he's more like my mom was. Oh, except for once I came home and there was another guy in the bed...but it was my dad. So we ended up having an orgy...Just kidding! I'm not that perverted, Jeez! Of course we waited until Steve left.

by numbsain...God's gift to women...that they returned for store credit.

Mano Knew Cleo's Sis

Disease the story of Mano and Terry who lived in a little town called
New Monia. They would meet their friends Herb and John in the
mall area after school and pet the animals at Cleo's pet store.
Mano knew Cleo's sis, who worked there, and she would let
'im pet Tygo, one of the rheas. Cleo came in crying; "Oh, I could
die! A rhea escaped from his pen!" "Was the pen secure?" asked John.
"John, dis is de best pen dey got, it's Terry's fault!" "Why're you
dissin' Terry?" said John. "He gave Burke de key, I tol' 'im if jou give it
to Burke, you'll owe sis a new pen. Burke always breaks de pens. He
let Prissy, the other rhea, escape last week. Just then Burke walked in.
"Sir, I owe sis a new pen, it's true." "What do rhea's eat?" Asked Herb
"My grain is the only thing, but I'm all out" said Cleo. "will he eat peas?"
"Herb, peas won't lure Tygo" Then, Mick came in with Tygo. "Hey you
dip, the rhea belongs to Cleo! You're dead meat pal!" said Burke. "Don't
bully Mick! He carried Tygo back. He's heavy" Said Cleo. "Since you're so
muscular, dis trophy should be for jou." Said Mano as he handed Mick
a trophy. Mano had a can of Pepsi and said: "Mick, I'd also like to make
dis Pepsi a token of my appreciation." But Mick said; "Oh no I
can't sir!" "Why not?" queried Cleo. "Ma said 'No Pepsi' and I always do
as ma says." "Oh!" said Cleo, "Enza and Anna are here!" Just then
in flew Enza and Anna. They got Mick and drove off making the whole
gang green with envy. Mick and Enza started having sex and it made
Anna wreck. "See, ya should never have sex in a moving car." Said Cleo.