Handle's Water Closet Music

performed by
John Flushman on Contrabañosita
Porter Pottier on Sewersophone

............................
............................

Jimmy Tchaikovsky's
Peepy and the Wolf

performed by
the Pedophilharmonic Orchestra

conducted by
I. Ketcham Young

Musicians
Sodolm Eisen Jr.
Chick N. Hawke
Mo Lester
Ray Putoddler
Cedusa Childe
Kitty Fondler
Shara Ladd
Boyer Little
Tina Büsser
Barney M. Posster
Buster Hyman
N. Tyson-Bratz
Stillin Dypers
Robin D. Kroedal

............................
............................

Pumps and Circumcised
Performed by
The Heashey Ensemble
with
Boyz2Girls
Eunice X
Herm Affrodite
Kris Krosdresserson

This Weekend at the Holly Wood Bowl
and at the
Bukkaki Theater

brought to you by
Numbsain...It's not over till the fat lady sits on his face!

Lowdamalarky Productions

All proceeds go to the American Priapism Foundation
Long and hard too long? Call 1-800 JACK OFF

I Swear!


I went to the doctor today. I remember him saying I might have Alzheimer’s. So I guess he was wrong. I could have sworn he also said I have...SHIT! what was the name of that FUCKING disease? ...Oh, yeah Turret's. FUCKIN-A man! I swear, my luck sucks. The other day I had a sucking chest wound. That sucked big time. My grandfather came to visit me in the hospital.
I said, “Please help me grampa, it hurts!”
He said, “I can't do shit!”
I said, “Why not.”
He said, “My colostomy bag is full”
I told him, “Why don't you go blow it out yer ass, grampa!”
He said, “No asshole!”
I said, “Are you calling me an asshole?”
He said, “No, I have no asshole.”
I said, “I just chewed you a new asshole.”
He said, “Thanks a lot, you...you...”
I said, “Go ahead, call me an asshole.”
He said, “I did, he's on his way.”
Just then the asshole walks in.
I said, “Doc, you asshole, you forgot to give me my pain meds!”
The doc said, “I don't give out pain meds. The nurse does that”
I said, “Send her in!”
He said, “I can't, your not covered.”
I said, “I'm sure she's seen a naked man before.”
Anyway I fully recovered from my sucking chest wound but I met a girl in the hospital.
I asked her why she was there.
She said, “I've got acute angina.”
I said, “I'll bet you do! I've got one-eye Willy!”
She said, “Willy? Which one?”
I said, “I can take it out of it's hiding place?
She said, “An eye socket?”
I said, “You can do whatever you want with it.”
I realized after our first date she was dumber than a box of rocks.
So I married her and we were having our first kid.
“Come on Roxanne, You're gonna be late for lamaze class.”
“Oh I'm sure they won't mind if some of lamaze are a little late.
So finally she goes into labor and I lost my job. I went to the labor board and told them the situation. they suggested an abortion.
I said, “It's a little late for that, I'm thirty five.”
They said, “Not you, the baby.”
I said, “the baby's not pregnant.”
I went back to the hospital and I told them I wanted my wife to have an abortion. They told me they don't do abortions.
I said, “Can I be an organ donor?”
They said, “What organ do you want to donate?”
I said, “My wife’s uterus.”

NUMBSAIN’S EYEWITLESS NEWSFLINCH


US Government Found Not Guilty In 9/11
Startling new findings in the 9/11 investigation reveal that the twin towers actually did collapse as a result of a terrorist action by the Middle East, thus removing all suspicion of involvement on the part of the U.S. government. A recent military raid of an Iraqi home near Bagdad recovered the diary of 6 year old Saheed Momar, In which Momar admits to invoking Allah to cause the World Trade Center Towers to fall down. The entry reads as follows:
“Dear Allah, oh great and wise, please grant me my only wish in life and I will forever be your loyal servant. Please make the World Trade Center fall down as it represents the evil of the western civilization and its destruction would send a message to the evil American government that they are evil. Thanks Allah I know you won’t let me down. Sincerely Saheed”
Momar confessed to soldiers under intensive interrogation and “light to medium torture with the option to sexually abuse,” that on the morning of September 11 he wished real hard for the disaster and just moments later U.S. Government officials choreographed and executed the attack, covered up all evidence of the operation, and even falsified press releases while in a trance-like state after which they had no recollection of doing so. The president was completely unaware of his actions and helplessly under the influence of a hypnotic trance obviously induced by Momar’s powerful invocation of Allah. President Bush stated in a press conference, “One minute I was innocently finishing up my breakfast of fried babies heads and eggs and the next thing I knew I was in Florida hearing the news that I had just blown up the World Trade Center. I knew Allah had something to do with it.”


Balls Yanked
An FDA recall on Rocky Mountain Prairie Oysters has restaurants pulling their supplies as the administration disseminates new evidence that the nutty-flavored delicacy is actually the gonads of the mature male bull. A meat packing plant specializing in prairie oysters was shut down after a food inspector busted their nuts at a Chicago Bistro where they were being served. One customer had this to say, “Oh my God, you mean I’ve been eating balls? Why don’t I just go suck a cows dick fer chrissake!”

Gas Companies Invite Customers to “Come and Get It”
With gas prices going through the roof in today’s disastrous economy, Gas companies have jointly come up with a way to drop their prices down lower than they’ve been in years. All major oil companies have decided to lower the price of regular gas to $2.50 per gallon! To offer this discount they impose only one stipulation. Gas will only be sold in the state of Tennessee. The up to 1500 miles some customers must travel to fill up will offset the oil companies' losses.

Recall on Eaten Food
Some FDA approved food products which have proved to be harmless while in the package are now found to be a deadly health hazard once eaten by consumers. General Foods Inc. Has ordered a full recall on these foods, but only in their fully digested state, since before consumption they pose no health risk. General Foods Inc. Suggests rather than return the digested product, consumers should simply flush the product down the toilet immediately.

Touched By a Ten Foot Pol'
Five year old Jimmy Reese of North Carolina was lying in a hospital bed dying of an incurable disease when a miracle came and saved his life. Lech Kalinowski, a pituitary giant from Warsaw who stands ten feet in height and who was born gifted with supernatural healing abilities, visited Jimmy and laid his massive hands on the boy. The Next day Jimmy made a complete recovery. Doctors reported, “We had tried everything to save Jimmy. He was so contagious we didn't want to touch him with a ten foot pole. But ironically it took the touch of a ten foot Pol to save his life.”

Numbsain's Eyewitless Newsflinch was brought to you by a sentimental old fool with an itchy, bleeding heart in his eye.

It Ain't Good Unless You Get Caught




[SLAM]

(*sob*)

Sarah? Are you okay!?

It was h-h-h him again...

WHO!!! Who's ass am I kickin' baby? What did he do to you?

I was in the stock room up on the ladder reaching for a box off the top shelf and he came up behind and...

Are you SERIOUS!? That bastard, I'm going down there right now! What's he look like?

He's quite a bit younger than you honey?

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF HE'S 5 YEARS OLD, NOBODY DOES THAT TO MY GIRLFRIEND!!!! Now give me a description.

About 3 inches taller than you, a bit stockier...

I'll kill that fat pig!

He's not fat, honey. He work's out a lot! He's got brown hair and blue eyes, kind of good looking. His name is Lloyd.

Lloyd?...Well, I'm going down there right now!

Be careful honey.

[SLAM]

[Ten minutes later in the stockroom]

Lloyd? You back here!?

Over here!

There you are. How long does it take to kick someones ass?

Oh, Gee your asking the wrong fella... Maybe, ten minutes tops?!

Well then we have to hurry, take off your pants and lock the door.

Ooh! I love a bossy bottom!

(Aah!) Hey, that was pretty clever (ooh) sexually harrasing (ungh) Sarah like that, how'd ya like it?

Oh it was gross, I mean (ooh) no offense she's a lovely girl but I just don't swing that way.

Shh! Someones coming! ...Sarah! um, uh, oh, thank god you showed up. This bastard overpowered me and oh my god it was horrible what he did to me.

I'll just bet it was. You couple a nancy's don't fool me for a second. Steve, I can't believe you played me for almost a year. You're despicable! Get out!

I'm s-sorry Sarah. I don't know what to say...I...

Out!

I'm leaving...

And YOU! You're not gonna get away with this you ba—

[SLAM]

He's gone.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Wanna kiss it.

Yes Ma'am!

Mmm! mmmMMm!

AHA! I knew you two were up to something like this! Gimme that!

Don't hurt him!

I won't... I would never hurt a wittew cutie pooty boo boo like thish. Nyo Nyever ever ever. Who'sh my good boy? Who'sh my good boy?...

Hey, c'mon Steve! That's enough...give him back.

Yeah Steve, you're getting him all wet.

No I'm not, just chill you guys—he wuvs me.

NO! Not really Steve! He wuvs me! Now GIVE HIM BACK!!

HEY,HEY, HEY! Cool out you guys yer hurting him GIMME!

[YELP!!]

(Gasp!) No you didn't just do that! You bastard! I'll KILL YOU If you so much as...

Stop! Stop it!... Allright that's it! I'm taking him right NOW!

[YELP-YELP-YELP Squeal THUD!!]

AAAAAAH! YOU IDIOTS, YOU DROPPED HIM!!!

OH MY GOD! I THINK YOU BROKE HIS LEG!

NO!! HE'S NOT MOVING!!!

OH JEEZUS HE'S DEAD!!!!

[Bam Bam Bam] What the hell's going on in there!?

oh shit! its the chief! quiet! quiet! quiet! SHHHHHHH!

It's fucking Murray! he knows we're in here!!! What the fuck are we gonna do now!

DON'T PANIC!

SHHHHHH!

SHHHH!

Don't panic. Put the dog in the file cabinet and dump all your drugs out on the counter here.

What! Are you crazy?

It's okay it'll put him off the track. He'll just punish us for doing drugs and forget all about everything else.

This better work!

Wow Sarah! What is that, a quarter ounce?

Jeezus, looks like good shit too!

ALLRIGHT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING BACK HERE?!

Sorry Boss.

Heh Heh, Hiya Chief.

Murray, I can explain...

YOU'RE DOING DRUGS!?!? AND HAVING SEX!?!? Without me?

Bend over Lloyd! On yer knees Sarah! And Steve you get behind me and gimme a reach around. NOW!!!

[SLAM] MURRAY PRITCHARD!!! So this is what you call a late night at the office!?

Honey! Wait I can explain everything!

I DON"T THINK SO SLAVE BOY! [RRRR-R-R-I-I-P]

Wow!

Hey nice leather Mrs. P.!

Nice Whip!!!

[WHIP-P-SSSHHH]

OH YEAH!! DO ME TOO MRS P.!!!

Oooooh it hurts so good! Harder! Harder!

Mom, Dad what are you doing and where's my puppy?

[GASP!!!]
HUH!?
Princess!?
Oh My God!
EEEEEK!

Mommy I wanna go home.

Yes princess, Yes dear, You're just having a nightmare. Close your eyes precious!

Okay mommy but first pack all that cocaine into a condom and shove it up daddy's ass. cuz dis crib is crawlin' with jakes an ahmo knuckle up fo I get mah ass gaffled all up in dis bitch

Yes Princess.


ALRIGHT FREEZE!!!




by numbsain

Jiblitz & Gravy
Plumbers Union Loco 23


Jiblitz: Howdy Flushpuppies, I’m Jiblitz!

Gravy: And I’m Gravy! Weez here ta ejumacate y’all about the tiles and tubulations of plumbin’ country style.

Jiblitz: An’ we ain’t afeared ta take the plunge with a plunger and git knee-deep in shits creek!

Gravy: Now Jiblitz, mah brothers and me been plumbin’ fer pert’ near a coons age. We got on-the-john trainin’. How’d you git in the plumbin’ bidness, wud you do?

Jiblitz: Mario Brothers.

Gravy: I thought you married yo cousin’?

Jiblitz: Ain’t no law aginst it.

Gravy: Ain’t no law aginst marryin’ a nannygoat neither, but ya don’t do that do ya?

Jiblitz: Na- a- a- a- ah, but mah daddy did.

Gravy: Oh you kid. Now lets just answer a few questions from our viewers.
Whaddaya do about a stuck faurcet?

Jiblitz: Just force it.

Gravy: How bout a leaky seal?

Jiblitz: Club it.

Gravy: An’ iffin yer tub needs caulkin’?

Jiblitz: Call Macauley.

Gravy: Ever had a ruptured boiler?

Jiblitz: Heck no, I had it lanced before it ruptured

Gravy: Rusty fixtures?

Jiblitz: No, the doc fixed mine. Rusty wun’t around.

Gravy: John overflow?

Jiblitz: Naw, he still can’t git over that gal.

Gravy: Sewer back-up?

Jiblitz: I hope not, Sue’s HIS back-up.

Gravy: Now how d’ya de-stenchify a stinky porta-potty?

Jiblitz: Ya need porta-pot-pouree.

Gravy: Alright. How’d ya learn all that, Jiblitz?

Jiblitz: From readin’ this here Plumbers Magazine.

Gravy: Jiblitz, that says ‘Plumpers’ not ‘Plumbers.’

Jiblitz: No wonder it ain’t got nuthin but big fat nekkid heifers in it. Looky here!

Gravy: Great humpin’ ja-blowzafat! Them’s some tiggity ol’ biggitys! Turn the page! Turn the page!...HOLY BAJEEMINY!!! They’d never find ya! Gaw-leee, the good lord sure knows how ta dish up some sin don’t he?

Jiblitz: Must be margarine ‘cause butter don’t spread like that!

Gravy: Whew! Okay, nuff o’ that. Lets go inside an’ have a looksee at the lavatory.

Jiblitz: Yes master Gravenstien, to the lavatory.

Gravy: Now don’t get too eager, Igor.

Jiblitz: No Master Gravenstien.

Gravy: Gad Blastard, Jiblitz! I got a leak!

Jiblitz: Ah told ya to go before the show.

Gravy: Hand me that pipe dope!

Jiblitz: Whudjoo call me?

Gravy: Not you, ya cow poke, the pipe dope! I gotta cracked pipe under the sink

Jiblitz: Ah told ya; just say no, Gravy.

Gravy: Not a crack pipe, a cracked pipe! now pipe down ya crack pot.

Jiblitz: Uh, Gravy, we got a bigger problem.

Gravy: Clog in the sewer?

Jiblitz: Naw, but I think I dropped one o’ mah tennies down there.

Gravy: Broken water main?

Jiblitz: I ain’t even preggars, man.

Gravy: Am ah showin’ plumbers crack?

Jiblitz: Ya were, but I used my caulk gun on it.

Gravy: Well then what’s the problem?

Jiblitz: Weez outta time Gravy.

Gravy: Well flush my britches and snake mah brain! Remember folks: Just say no to Drain-NO!

Jiblitz & Gravy wuz brang to ya by...

Barney’s Back-hoes...If yer hoe aint dirty, yer back 30 ain’t purty!
Ezekials Gourmet Pig Slop Bistro...Pigs oink for it!
Cleavon’s Bull-kakki Jizzateria...Nuttin’ but the best!
Melvis’ Geld n’ Go...Free set o’ Prairie Oysters with every Castration!

by numbsain

Justin & Amber Visit the Future!


Tourguide: Hi, my name is Triscuit and I’ll be your tour guide. Welcome to the Twenty Third Century—The Shopping Age. We’ll start the tour at Abercrombe & Fitch where we’ll groom you and dress you in the latest accessories so you’ll fit in. Step on the red squares please.

[bzzzzt]

Justin: W-what just happened?

Triscuit: You just transcommuted 200 miles to the Abercrombe & Fitch Beauty Megaplex. First, take off those old-fashioned granny clothes and put these on.

Amber: On what? there isn’t enough material here to cover my birthmark.

Triscuit: Oh don’t worry, here in the future medical science has eliminated sexual diseases and all breeding is done by automation so it’s no longer necessary to hide our sexual parts. Modesty is a thing of the past.

Justin: I don’t know about this honey, I think they’re perverts.

Triscuit: Perverts? Are you two perverts? Great! You’ll love the new Sexual Perversion Center!

[bzzzzt]

Triscuit: Welcome to “Disney’s World of Freaky Fucking!” C’mon in and we'll slip you a Mickey!

Amber: Ew! That’s the sickest thing I’ve ever seen the Seven Dwarfs do.

Triscuit: Oh that’s just the kiddie section, You'll probably want to try the new, “Dumbo; Take It All Bitch!” ride or “Bust a Nut” with Chip and Dale. Look! You can even take a flying fuck with Woody Woodpecker!

Justin: No that’s okay, we’re not perverts.

Triscuit: Oh, I’m sorry, the little guys not working so well? We can get you up in no time.

Justin: Hey get your hands off my...

Amber: Yeah, Cheez-it. Get your hands off his...

[DING DONG]

Triscuit: Oh there’s the lunch bell, Hungry?

Justin: Uh, yeah, I guess so.

Amber: Sure.

Triscuit: Here you go, one for you and one for you. Oh, and this is for little Justin.

Justin: (gulp) Woah! Uh, I’m sorry, this has never happened to me before.

Amber: Honey stop that! You’re embarrasing us.

Justin: I can’t help it, I think it was that pill.

Triscuit: If you’re not ready to use it yet just slip this over it.

Justin: Th-Thanks.

Amber: What’s this pill for?

Triscuit: It’s lunch.

Justin: (Gulp)

Amber: (Gulp) ...That was it? That wasn’t very enjoyable.

Triscuit: Oh, you want enjoyment? You’ll love the “Jolly Rancher Enjoyment Center’s Flavorama Hypertongue Lounge!” Let’s go! Step—

Justin: I know, the red squares

[bzzzzt]

Amber: Ew, honey. What’s going on here?

Justin: You think I know? Uh, miss why are all those people sticking their tongues out at us?

Amber: Yeah and that guys sticking out his...

[DING-A-LING]

Triscuit: Step back please! They’re not sticking them out at us, this is Skittlesville!

[ZWO-O-O-OSH-SH-SHHH]

Justin: What the hell was that?!

Triscuit: Those colors that just went by? Those people just tasted the rainbow.
And she’s one of the skittleskilled specialists giving that guy a rainbow job!

Justin: Hey I wanna...

Amber: Don’t even think about it, honey!

Triscuit: Oh you don’t have to be such an uptight bitch miss. This is the Enjoyment Center!

Amber: What?! No she didn’t just call me a...

Justin: Hey, I thought you said we could enjoy our lunch here.

Triscuit: Sure right this way... here we are, have a seat. Here’s the menu.

Justin: Wow, it’s huge! Look at all this stuff! Huh?! Why is their a foot on here? And a pair of panties?

Triscuit: You can enjoy the taste of just about anything here.

Amber: Oh my god? It’s a giant...

[DING DONG]

Triscuit: That’s the dinner bell!

Justin: Uh, I’m not hungry anymore.

Amber: Actually I wouldn’t mind trying the giant...

Justin: Don’t even think about it, honey!

Triscuit: Well there’s plenty more to enjoy at the Enjoyment Center!

Justin: I think I’d rather just take a nap. Can you tell us where our hotel room is?

Triscuit: Sure, you’re staying at the Cloud Nine. Ready?

Justin: Uh-huh, (yawn)

[bzzzzzt]

Concierge: Welcome to the Cloud Nine. Sucking or Non-Sucking?

Justin: What do you mean?

Concierge: The Cloud Nine features Sucking Rooms where you’re in a constant vacuum. All your bodily emissions are immediately sucked away and you never have to go to the bathroom!

Justin: That sounds weird, Non-Sucking.

Concierge: Certainly, now if you use the auto sleep feature, be sure you’re lying down when you push the button. Would you like your entertainment center plugged right in to your visual cortex?

Amber: Okay, I guess.

Concierge: Your room is ready. Step on the red square.

[bzzzzt]

Justin: I’m gonna push the sleep button honey, I’m bushed.
Good ni—

[ding] [flump!]

Amber: Gee I’m not tired. I wonder if they have a gym. Oh here we go. I’ll just push “workout.”

[ding]

[please lay down to commence full body aerobic workout.]

Amber: Okay now what? Aa-a-a-a! W-wh-a-a-t’s ha-a-a-ap-p-p-en-i-ing?-?

[Workout complete. Ten thousand calories burned. Eight pounds lost. please consume the post-work-out dietary pill on the night stand to your left. Thank you.]

[later that night]

Justin: (Yawn) Wow, I feel totally rested and only 3 hours have gone by! He-e-y, Amber looks hot laying there asleep on the bed. I sure could go for a quickie right now...

[Please place penis in the Quickiemate receptacle to your left]

Justin: Huh? Hmmm, why not? Aah!...Oh yeah! Oh my God Yeah! YESSSS!!!

Amber: Having fun?

Justin: AMBER! This is not what it looks like. The Quickiemate means nothing to me.

Amber: I’m not speaking to you!

Justin: But, but, ...Quickiemate, tell her!

Quickiemate: [I’m not speaking to you either]



By numbsain.