More Jokes About Yo Mama


Not all mama's take these jokes well. The one on the left thinks they're funny but still tried to kill us by summoning the devil from her upper digestive tract. The one on the right liked them but we stuck something up her ass right before taking this picture.

Yo mama’s so stupid got stuck on an escalator for 3 hours.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to the gym and fell down the stairmaster.

Yo mama’s so stupid she applied for a job as a speed bump.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got fired from her job as a speed bump.

Yo mama’s so stupid when a bum asked for spare change she gave him the number for AAA.

Yo mama’s so stupid she ate a food stamp sandwich for lunch.

Yo mama’s so stupid she took the goldfish for walkies and drowned the dog.

Yo mama’s so stupid she ran on a treadmill and got lost.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to a restaurant and had the salad bar.

Yo mama’s so stupid, the freezer broke so she set the oven to 32 Fahrenheit.

Yo mama’s so fat she hosted a bachelor party and the cake popped out of her.

Yo mama’s so stupid, in kindergarten she flunked milk and cookies.

Yo mama’s so stupid she had road rage and lost her wedding ring.

Yo mama’s so stupid she put the coconut in the lime and mixed it all around.

Yo mama’s so ugly when she went to get a face lift the doctor needed a spotter.

Yo mama’s hair is so thin that she combed over her pubes.

Yo mama’s so fat the furniture keeps disappearing.

Yo mama’s so fat she uses Feng Shui to dress herself.

Yo mama’s so fat they call her Moby Cunt.

Yo mama’s so ugly she’s called the Hunchfront of Notre DAMN!

Yo mama’s breasts are so saggy they smeared her toenail polish.

Yo mama’s breast are so saggy she had to pull down her drawers to nurse you.

Yo mama’s breast are so saggy she can throw them over her shoulder like a continental soldier.

Yo mama’s so fat she calculated her waist with pi.

Yo mama’s so fat she has satellites.

Yo mama’s so fat she has gravity.

Yo mama’s so fat she sat in the jacuzzi and came out dry.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got stung by a spelling bee.

Yo mama’s so stupid she collects ice cubes.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got fired from a blow job

Yo mama’s so stupid the dog taught her to roll over.

Yo mama’s so lazy she made you go get the paddle and spank yourself

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought Michael Jackson was the first woman to walk on the moon.

Yo mama’s so stupid she voted for George Bush again.

by numbsain

Last Minute Dear Santa Letters

Dear Santa,
If you really deliver all those toys to all those kids in one sleigh, you must have a really BIG one! Can I see it? And the Christmas balls too? Ooh it makes me tinsel just to think about it. I want it Santa, Now!
—Kandy Kaine

Dear Ms. Kaine,
Why don't you come down to Nordstroms on the 24th and ride upon Santa's lap till Christmas Morning You're one toy I definitely won't play with once and then throw in the closet with all my other beezys.


Dear Santa,
under my tree this year, can I have a package of Burpee® Morning Glory Seeds, an ounce of bloodroot, 12 lettuce cores, A gallon of anhydrous ammonia, a pint of ether, a 5 gallon wash basin, a condenser coil, and a half gallon of acetone.
—Billy

Dear Billy,
nice try. Why don’t I just bring you the 5 grams of angel dust you’re obviously trying to manufacture with those items. You would have failed anyway because you forgot the iodine and the 3 tubes of Vagisil. Your dust would have given you a severe headache for about ten minutes then you’d be dizzy for two or three days.


Dear Santa,
My beeg brother ees een de Meheecan Mafia and my beeg seester is a puta. Dey always breengeen de drawgs and de cerveza and de unsabory elements to de house and dey a bad eenfluence on me and my familia. We wanteen’ to has a nice Feleez Navidad weethout no biolence dees jear but I know, yust like at ebery Chreesmas somebahdy gonna get keeled again.
Can jou do nawtheen to end dees pattern awf biolence and bloodshed?
—Pepe

Dear Peppy,
I cans do nawtheen’ abou’ dat leetle prowlem of jours because I am not Santa Clows. I am Carlos Santana. Jou god de addresses wrong estupido.


Dear Santa,
can you make my daddy stop sodomizing me every night. All I want for Christmas is to have my butt hole left alone.
—Sincerely, fockole
P.S. Could I get a new name also?

Dear Fuckhole,
I have just the item for you. It is a 3 inch diameter tube with one end closed and a wild shrew tied up by his tail inside. All you have to do is shove the closed end up your ass and wait for daddy to make his nightly visit. When he tries to bunghole you he’ll get his johnson ripped to shreds by this small but highly vicious rodent. The nightly reemings should stop after that. All I ask in return is that you let me have a go at that tight little poop chute of yours just once.


Dear Santa,
I’ve heard very bad rumors about one of your reindeer. I can’t remember which one it is but apparently he’s a serial killer! Can you list them just once to see if anything jogs my memory.
—Love, Prudence

Dear Prude,
I’m certain your mistaken but just so you feel better, my reindeer’s names are as follows: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Dahmer, Blitzen.


Dear Santa,
What’s all this I hear about your reindeer being in a violent gang? Is that true.
—Sebastion Cystern

Dear Sebaceous Cyst
Absolutely not! No reindeer working for me would be involved in such things. Here are their time cards...lets see they are: Basher, Masher, Crasher, Git-’em, Vomit, Putrid, Puke-Stupid, and Smith & Wesson!? HEY! THESE AREN’T THE RIGHT REINDEER!


Dear Santa,
I was wondering if you noticed which of the treats I left out for your reindeer they liked the best. Was it the Purina Reindeer Chow kibbles or the Canned wet food, Fungus and Grubworm Reindeer Feast?
—Conrad

Dear Connie,
Whattaya mean reindeer food? That was meant for the reindeer?! *urp*


Santa, dude,
Like what’s up with you these days? I don’t mean to complain or nothin but, dude ya kinda screwed up my order last year. Like big time! I mean some of the items weren’t even close. What happened to Q.C. up there with those short guys? It was like they were on drugs or something, seriously and you’re supposed to check the merchandise out before it goes to the consumer right? So what the fuck happened? Gettin’ a little lax there are we, a little soft in the head maybe? Are you sure your not having a little bout with senility maybe? Dude if you can’t get your shit together this year, don’t bother with our house. What the fuck am I supposed to do with a goddamn Suzy Homemaker Easy-Bake Oven?
—Reggie

Dear Weggie,
Suck my dick.


Dearest Mr. Santa,
I trust this letter finds you in perfect health. I am Triki Kanyvee of Nigeria and a mutual friend with whom business has been done has left me in trust of a large sum for which I have been instructed to dispense with upon arrival of his death in the sum of 5,000,0000, FIVE MILLION dollars American currency. This matter is of the top most secrecy as otherwise the funds will be confriscated by the customs officials of our countries. Please disclose all information about yourself and your financial matters so as to allow the stealing of your identit— I er uh, mean the transfer of said funds immediately. Thank you in earnest kind friend.
Loving tenderly your truly, Triki

Dear Tricky, I hope this infectious bacterial disease bomb letter leaves you in the worst of health. Thank you for delightful love of your mothers mouth and balls

OLD JOKES
The staff at Goldminds Unwind is off for the holidays so we had the boys in the mail room recount some of their tired old hackneyed jokes because we figured that would be good enough for you guys. These jokes are as old as kerosene so if you've heard it before, stop reading. Unless you like dragging an old dog through the mud which in and of itself can be pretty freakin' funny. “C'mon Rufus, you can walk you lazy old hound! Put your back into it, boy! Show me what yer made of. What? Have you gone and died on me? Why you mangy old mutt! Thump! Thud! Thubump Take that! And that! I'll teach you to up and die you worthless old sack o' potatoes. All that Alpo gone to waste! Man's best friend, FEH!”



Rite of Passage

A boy comes home from his first day of junior high school. His mother asks, “what did you do in school today honey?” The boy replies, “I had sex for the first time.” After a thorough reprimanding the mother informs the boy that he’ll have to answer to his father when he gets home. A few hours later the father comes home and the boy overhears his parents talking in the kitchen. His mother was still really mad but his father didn’t say a word and went straight up to the boys room. “Son?” his father said entering the room and closing the door, “Your mother tells me you had sex at school today, is this true?” “Yes father,” the boy says. “Well I just have one thing to say about that”…the father says with a stern look on his face, “Way to go, son! Your a man now, and don’t tell your mother this but I’m damned proud of you boy. I had sex when I was your age too and it looks like your a chip off the old block. The men in our family always start young, it’s in our genes. Don’t worry about your mom; you did good boy and you’ve done your dad proud. In fact, you know that BMX bike you’ve been wanting for so long? I’m gonna buy it for you as a coming of age gift. How would you like that?”
“Wow that’s great dad!…except it’s gonna be a while before I can ride it,” says the boy.
“Why’s that son?” asks the father.
“My butt’s really sore from having sex today.”

Prison Role Call

A diminutive man of meager stature is sentenced to one year in the state penitentiary and has the misfortune of being assigned to share a cell with Bubba Johnson, the biggest meanest brawniest dude in the joint. The little man enters the cell and quietly slinks over to his cot trying not to make eye contact with Bubba.
After a few minutes, Bubba says, “You wanna play house?”
The man says, “Uh…O-o-okay, I g-g-g guess so.”
Bubba politely asks, “Whattaya wanna be, the mommy or the daddy?”
The man thinks about it for a second and carefully chooses.
“Oh w-w-w-well I think I’d p-p-p-prefer to be the d-d-d-daddy, sir. (gulp),”
So Bubba calmly sits up, pulls down his drawers and says,
“Okay, now come over here and suck mommys dick.”

The Pickle Slicer

A man who works in a deli tells his psychiatrist he has a problem.
“I don’t know what it is doc, I have this overwhelming compulsion to put my penis in the pickle slicer.”
“The doctor is shocked, “Are you crazy, why would you want to do a thing like that?”
The man says, “I just can’t stop thinking about it. Every time I see that pickle slicer I become obsessed with the idea of doing it and I can’t think about anything else for the rest of the day.
The doctor thinks about it and says, “Well I can’t imagine why you want to, but if you’re that obsessed with it, I think your just gonna have to do it and get it out of your system.”
“You really think so doc? Wow! This is gonna be great, thanks doc.”
The next day the man comes home from work early.
His wife asks, “Honey are you all right? You're home so early.”
“I got fired,” the man replies.
“Why?” she asks.
“I put my penis in the pickle slicer,” he says.
“Oh my god! Was the pickle slicer turned on?” she asks.
“Yeah,” he says.
“Well what happened to your penis!?” she asks.
“Nothing,” says the man.
She looks at him puzzled and asks, “Well then what happened to the pickle slicer?”
The man says, “She got fired too.”

Resurrected by numbsain…No, we don't have a mail room.

NUMBSAIN'S IRATE

CHRISTMAS CAROLS


A Christmas Wrong
Sung to the tune of “A Christmas Song”
(y'know “chestnuts roasting...” that one.)

Un-em-ploy-ment at an all time high,
health care costs you up the nose,
You’ll be dead in a week if your fired,
and the bank is ready to fore-close, More fi-nan-cial

woes. No tur-key and no mis-tle-toe,
Had to hock the fa-mi-ly.
I won’t buy an-y-one any gifts,
and they damn sure won’t buy one for me.

Be-cause the coun-try’s in the hole,
a-bout a mil-lion bil-lion dol-lars Bushit stole,
Now every mo-thers child is gon-na cry.
I’d love to see those gree-dy bas-tards fry.

And so I’m home-less and with-out a dime,
not like back in nine-ty two,
Those re-pub-li-can pigs screwed us all up the ass,
Bush & Che-ney: Fuck You.

Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow!
Sung to the tune of "Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow!"

Oh the pres-sure is get-ting strong-er,
Can't hold it too much long-er.
If I can't find any place to go
Yel-low Snow, Yel-low Snow, Yel-low Snow!

Oh the ques-tion right now is whe-ther...
I can keep my knees to-ge-ther...
Till I find some place to go...
Yel-low Snow, Yel-low Snow, Yel-low Snow!

Well I guess I drank too much beer...
So just stop by the side of the road.
Or I might have to go right here;
my blad-der's about to ex-plode.

I can feel my-self start to weak-en
I think I might be leak-in'
I need to find a place to go...
Yel-low Snow, Yel-low Snow, Yel-low Snow!

Santa Claus Ain't Coming to Town
sung to the tune of "Santa Claus IS Coming to Town"

You need-n't watch out,
You might as well cry,
I'm not kis-sing all my mo-ney good-bye,
San-ta Claus Ain't Com-ing to Town.

The corp'-rate rip-offs...
Ain't get-tin' a dime.
Ain't spend-ing all my mo-ney this time,
San-ta Claus Ain't Com-ing to Town.

It's not about re-li-gion, a ho-ly day, in-deed,
They use our kids to guilt trip us and to sa-tis-fy their greed.

This ho-li-day crap...
Is all a big scam.
And frank-ly my dear, I don't give a damn.
San-ta Claus Ain't Com-ing to Town.

Written by numbsain...Ho, ho, ho, gitcha bitch asses all up in heah youz hos!

UNHOLIDAY STALKING STUFFERS
(By request of Donk & Sheila B Cumming)



Rag-o-meter®
What’s the worst thing about women? Not knowing. Not knowing if you should make your move, or not make a false move, or pack up and move. Women are so unpredictable it’s like sleeping in a mine field full of crazy exploding bitches. But now you can take the mystery out of the missus with Rag-o-meter®! Place the Rag-o-meter® on her nape (or other area of exposed skin) and the readout shows you the full gamut of her emotions from, “Okay, but hurry up about it,” to “Get away from me before I mace you and call the police.” A second readout tells you where she is in her menstrual cycle, saving you those dangerous late night missions under the covers to check the viscosity of her vaginal mucous. “Oh no! She’s waking up! It’s got teeth! AAaargh!” You should have equipped her with the Rag-o-meter!® [add to cart]

Hottie or Rottie® Birth Control/Sexual Enhancer Hologram
This little marvel will transform even the skankiest washed up old hag into the girl of your dreams. Or it can turn the overzealous Mr. Happy Dong into a Wilting Willy in seconds. This amazing technology actually superimposes the female of your choice directly on top of the female your stuck with by using an animated holographic facade that tracks the gals movements so perfectly you’ll swear your fifty year old battle ax is Pamela Anderson! Or ladies can use it to transform their irresistible, youthful comeliness into wrinkled up, grandma-looking ugliness. Sure to make Mr. Gung Ho wither and shrivel like you’re a skank ho! No more unwanted premature ejaculations and no more boinking the same old nasty beeyotch, all in one amazing device. Hottie or Rottie®! Just buy the damn thing!

Boinking Buddy® Vaginal insert
The latest sexual enhancer from Sweden, the people who brought you the Saab, increases pleasure for both him and her by effectively extended him and tightening her. The form fitting outer surface contacts all the rights spots inside and outside the woman while the snug fitting inner surface makes even the flabbiest mayonnaise jar feel like her 14 year old daughter (or so we've heard). Make your 50th anniversary night feel like your honeymoon night. You never know ladies, you just might give him a heart attack and get his pension all to yourself! Turn back the clock, with Boinking Buddy®
[add to cart]

Tooth Shrew®
Have you ever had a wild shrew loose in your mouth? Well now you can. Multiple bristles and brush shapes, styles and thicknesses, spinning, vibrating, clawing and scratching (just like a wild shrew) all built into one frantically powerful device that you cover with toothpaste on all sides and pop into your mouth. Then flip the remote switch and the Tooth Shrew goes bezerk! Keep it inside your mouth as long as you can, and when you can’t hold it in any longer, the Tooth Shrew flies out (up to 10 feet). And guess what? Your teeth have never been cleaner! Sparkling, shining, dazzling teeth, a clean you can really feel! Just fish the tooth shrew out from behind the toilet, rinse and he’s ready to go next time. And 9 out of 10 dentist surveyed recommend teeth for their patients who chew. [add to cart]

Bear-B-Gone!®
You’re out in the wilderness, alone, it’s dark, you’re scared, you’ve wet yourself a little, The aroma of fresh urine permeates the air in a ratio of 1 part per million. That’s all it takes for a grizzly bear to track your scent and before you know it you’re standing face to face with a big, mean, drooling, snarling BEAR! (God he’s ugly!) What do you do? Unpack your rifle? No time! Run like hell? Unless your an Olympic athlete on steroids and PCP, you don’t stand a chance against a quadruped. In fact you’d have to be Superman himself to escape. But there is one thing you can do. Pull out your quick release can of an amazing new product called Bear-B-Gone! A combination genetically altered pepper spray, ultra concentrated mace, a powerfully corrosive molecular acid, a volatile and deadly flesh eating organism found on one of Jupiters moons, and military surplus grade napalm all at your fingertips, ready to be released in a high pressure aerosol propellant. Push the button and watch the fierce, powerful grizzly’s fur and flesh disintegrate before your very eyes! Bears literally melt and spontaneously combust into a pile of ashes in 3.7 agonizing seconds. Watch his big, scary, mean, growling face turn to a whimpering, simpering, scared for his life, little, crying, whiney-pants, sissy, reduced to groveling and begging for mercy at your feet the millisecond Bear-B-Gone comes in contact with his skin. But you’ll just laugh and stomp his head into the ground because...

“OW! OWW!!! YEEAAAARGH-GH-GH-G-G-grgule gurgle gurgle pffzzt!”

No, you don’t want to stomp his head because you’ll get a tiny speck of Bear-B-Gone on your shoe and in seconds you’ll be reduced to a blubbering, screaming little… well you get the idea. Bear-B-Gone!® It doesn’t FUCK around! [add to cart]

By numbsain…wherever great gifts are being shop lifted!

Hitting Dogs


These two dogs came from the same litter.

There's nothing worse than the feeling of running over a dog. The dull 'flubump' you hear, you can almost feel its furry warmth right through the the brake pedal, or the gas pedal, or your boot if you had to pull over and finish him off. Or your kids see it happen and you try to tell them he only bumped his head on the bottom of the car and he's just fine but they look out the back window and see he was chopped in half by the tire. So you tell them that he was already dying and you put him out of his misery. But the kids explain that it was the neighbors brand new puppy.

It's really bad when you run over your own puppy. But the only thing worse than running over a puppy and watching it die is watching it limp around for 18 years—and it still loves you—ugh, I hate that. Dragging itself along on two legs trying to bring you your slippers.
“Stumpy! Forget about the damn slippers already! No, don’t wag your tail, you’ll fall ove-…Aw, Stump-e-ers.”

I had a blind dog for a while. he wore dark glasses and I was his seeing eye man. I got to go into kennels and dog washes that normally I would never be allowed to enter. As long as I was well behaved and didn't bite anyone. He had a nasty temperament because he was bred to be a guard dog so to do his job he just had to flail wildly and bite in every direction. We called him Ray Snarles because whenever we were threatened and he had to figure out who to bite, he never got right one, baby.

We got tired of getting bit all the time so we took him to the park and played fetch with him. Then we jumped in the car and drove away. But he somehow found his way back! So we cut off all his legs. He makes a good throw pillow for the couch when the in-laws come over. Finally he died when Uncle Jerry sat on him, but you should have seen Uncle Jerry's ass! Aunt Janey never chewed him one that big!

Soon we got a new dog. He's a dingo and he's a little temperamental; kinda snaps at people. But, when a few babies were missing around the neighborhood, the neighbors suspected Bingo. We didn't want to put him to sleep, that seems wrong. So we were thinking of running him over instead. Then some Korean friends convinced us not to waste a perfectly good animal. They gave us some great recipes and told us just how to prepare him. Well, the recipes worked great. Changing his diet made him a lot calmer and we prepared him by visiting his new home a couple times to get him used to it. The Yims say he's a perfect pet and... Wait, you weren't thinking...just because they're Korean you thought they were going to... Oh, that's disgusting. If Asians eat dogs then why don't Americans eat dragons?

A bit of trivia here. I learned why dogs on a leash always pee a little bit on every tree they see along the walk instead of all at once like we do. It's because we don't stop walking! While we're on the subject of dogs, here's the latest list, from our corporate offices in Scottsdale Arizona, of

Top Ten Worst Dog Names

10. Lemonade Vendor
9. Kennyl
8. O'Drool
7. Humpaleg
6. Style
5. John Lapper
4. Edgar Alpo
3. Terry R.
2. Quadrupet
1. Sit Vicious

Check out our Top XX worst dog name lists scattered around the blog, (which rhymes with dog).
This post was written by numbsain…the name says it all!