ZooBreak
Episode 2—the actual escape itself


If you missed the first episode of “Zoobreak” here's a link:
Zoobreak 1

In the last episode, the members of the Unwillingly Relocated Animals Brigade of the East African Serengeti Territory (U.R.A.B.E.A.S.T.) (okay it's a stretch but it's not a bad anagram for a bunch of animals) were planning their escape from the Bronx Zoo. Despite some differences among themselves, they managed to formulate a pretty decent plan to free themselves from captivity. Getting back to East Africa was going to be a little trickier.

Baboon: Okay, huddle up animals! Mr. Potamus brings up a good point. I figure we head for the Queen Elizabeth.

Hippo: Duh... but how can she help?

Elephant: He's talkin' about the boat.

Crocodile: Lovely! I've always wanted to experience the luxury of an ocean liner cruise!

Baboon: Well I don't think Tom Jones is gonna be performing in the Sea Breeze Lounge but if we can get to the docks early enough, you carnivores can make a light breakfast of the crew and we can weigh anchor before the coast guard even knows what happened. but we're gonna have to travel about 20 mph to get to the boat on time.

Hippo: Duh-uh-oh! My top speed is 3 mph. Just go on ahead without me. I don't mind being gawked at by humans for the rest of my life.

Lioness: Aw see that ain't right. We can't just leave him here. I’ve got an idea. I think I know of a way for Mr. Potamus to travel first class! By plane!

Hyenas: Ha-ha-ha Hyuk-yuk-yuk! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hee-hee Ha-ha!

Lioness: What is so DAMN funny!?

Hyenas: Nothin'! We're laughing hyenas, it's just what we do. tee-hee, giggle...

Lioness: Oh! ...Alright then, as I was saying; Now ya'll seen that big fat human female got the TV show...wusser name? Oh yeah, Oprah! Well, me an my homegirls here are gonna give Mr. Potamus a MAKE OVER and we'll pass him off as Oprah!!!

Hyenas: HAHAHAHA!! HAW HAW HO HO HO HEE HEE (gasp) Guffaw-haw-haw Ho-o-o-owl-l Har-har Hyuk-yuk-yuk! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hee-hee Ha-ha... ha... hee... hee... (gulp) What?

Lioness: (SMACK!!!) And don't be tryin’ a play dat; "it's what we do" routine with ME! Now go scavenge some purses. We need air fare for Mr. Oprahpotamus.

Hyenas: Hng!... Hng!

Lioness: You laugh an' it'll be your last laugh.

[Later]

Baboon: Now how are we going to explain to the zookeeper why Oprah's in the Hippo's cage?

Lioness: He does look pretty damn good, don't he?

Elephant: I know I'll regret saying this, but humans are so dumb, I bet we could all pass for 'em.

Lionesses: Uh wa-a-ait a minute. What human are you gonna be? / Yeah it would have to be a behemoth of a human, no offense... ahem...

Gorilla: Oh! who's that one on TV? Sally Struthers!

Baboon: Do any of you apes know how to play instruments?

Chimps: No.

Baboon: Great! you can be Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. And let’s see, long face, long face...Got it! Two zebras can be Joan Rivers and that butt ugly daughter of hers. And one of you can be ex-presidential candidate, John Kerry.

Chimp: Speaking of presidents, Who does this look like?

Cheetah: GotDAMN that’s ugly! But you do look exactly like him.

Baboon: You dopes, George W. Bush has his own private jet, it won’t work.

Macaw: Okay, picture me with a little goatee and a guitar.

Baboon: Prince. You got it.

Gorilla: I jutht got a totally ludicrouth idear, it’th tho ludicrouth, it jutht might woik...

Baboon: Mike Tyson. Perfect! Alright, the rest of us can all go as contestants on “The Price Is Right.” That show is a zoo anyway.

[Three weeks later]

Baboon: I can’t believe we all made it! Except for...where’s Mr. Potamus?

Elephant: Oh, he got called back to the set to tape another show.

[Later on the news]

Anchor: Well, more news about Oprah. Suddenly, she’s become very involved in the animal rights movement. She’s donating all her wealth to improve habitat conditions in zoos all over the world. It also looks like she’s changed her appearance again. She seems to have lost a lot of weight.

Top ten worst Father’s Day gifts




10. The finger of one of your children from a kidnapper.
9. A DNA test proving you're a father.
8. A summons for overdue child support payments.
7. An XXX video starring your daughter.
6. An XXX video starring your son.
5. An XXX video starring you and your daughter.
4. An XXX video starring you and your son
3. An XXX video starring you, your son, your daughter and your baby mama.
2. An XXX video starring you, your son, your daughter, your baby mama and a mule.
1. An XXX video starring you, your son, your daughter, your baby mama and a mule delivered by the local vice squad with a free pair of handcuffs.

The U-Men

From the ghettos of the X-Universe come the U-Men. Some are ex-X-Men who were exiled, some were exed after the auditions, some never even tried out for the part. These are the U-Men. U doesn't stand for anything but neither does X.

Hibernator
His super power is his ability sleep off drug binges and come back to life as mentally acute as he’s ever been. He once slept for a month after securing residence at an apartment he was supposed to maintain while the tenants were on vacation. When they returned, all the plants and animals were dead. but amazingly he slept right through the dog gnawing all the toes off of his left foot!


The Orifice
One of the most awesome and powerful of the U-Men, also called the “Mayonnaise Jar” she takes on even the largest of opponents, and several at a time, completely swallowing them up never to be seen again—they don’t even call! The Orifice fills her days with seeking fresh meat and herself with anything she can find.


Half-Nelson
It is impossible to injure, break or harm his legs in any way. Not because they’re indestructible, because he doesn’t have any. There is an ongoing debate as to whether he is a true U-Man and not just a paraplegic as he was not born a mutant but simply had a hemi-corporectomy after a skiing accident.


Ovaltine
This obese U-Man was dubbed Ovaltine for his ability to consume victuals at an alarming rate and his favorite is to guzzle copious amounts of rich, chocolatey Ovaltine often depleting whole grocery store supplies...Wait a minute! He’s not a freaking U-Man he’s just a big fat pig!


The Vortex
This spinning spiraling creature possesses the uncanny power to twirl and twist matter into a vortex and thus make it disappear completely without a trace. Actually he’s mostly done it with fecal matter although he did flush a few small animals down the swirling porcelain vortex.


The Cheek
I know what you’re thinking; “that’s not a super power, having a really big cheek” Yes, but when he forages for berries and twigs in the warm summer months, he can store them in his cheek pouch for the long winter months to come. It’s all part of the natural ecosystem in our Wild America!


The Disbeliever
Completely impervious to indoctrination, propaganda, subliminal messages or brainwashing of any kind, This U-woman is chronically skeptical and always bears a look of disbelief. This Doubting Thomasina is so wary of everything that she often looks in the mirror just to make sure she really exists.


Beaver
Able to fell mighty saplings with just 8,465 gnaws of her powerful choppers, (it would take the average person 453,098 gnaws), she suffers from chronic TMJ from chewing all that wood, but on the up side, she has amazingly powerful jaws and if she wanted to she could pull a small trailer with her teeth. She just doesn’t want to because her TMJ hurts too much not to mention there are a lot better ways to pull a trailer.

30 More Worst Dog Names

With the war in the Middle East, global warming, the recession in America and all the other problems of the world, it's easy to understand why first and foremost on everyones mind is bad dog names. We receive thousands of hits a week on our worst dog name lists. So to keep you up to date on the latest and greatest of the worst, here's another list of canine appellations for your perusal:

1. Lowball
2. Sickemore
3. Kfetch
4. Scruda (pooch)
5. Poopalong Assidy
6. Güten Dog
7. Robin Leash
8. B. Wairov
9. Grey Poop-on
10. Fantsy Pants
11. Half-Ghan
12. French Puddle
13. Grrrtrude
14. Snoop-poopy-doop
15. Scoopy-doo
16. Thong-tongue-sniffer
17. Puccinelli
18. Coochie-Pooch
19. Wag-ner
20. Tail-or
21. Lost 'n' Hound
22. Ruff-neck
24. Kibbler Arf
25. Uncat
26. Drool Hairymore
27. Curbier
28. Walky Balboa
29. Bob Barker
30. William Tail

By Numbsain...“the worlds leading authority on whatever is on his mind.”

Wachieu Ouil'ite



I had dinner at one of those ultra-snooty, fru-fru, hoity toity, fancy schmancy restaurants the other day. One of those places where they give you seventeen forks, I guess to make sure nobody eats with their hands. And the food is stacked so tall you have to carefully deconstruct it like JENGA© before eating it. There's a guy in the bathroom that dispenses everything for you and wipes down the urinal after you pee. You order a steak and they let you choose the steer you want it butchered from. They had a pond which could be seen from the window near our table. It was full of swans and flamingos and anytime anyone ordered fowl of any kind, a person could be seen abducting one of them. Closer inspection revealed they were being released back into the pond just out of view. but the funniest thing about this place was the menu. It read something like this:

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Le Salad Course
Fresh Wildcrafted Certified Organic; Baby Escarole Leaves, Baby Arugula Leaves, Baby Butter Lettuce, Broken Hearts of Romaine, Baby Endive Sloops, Pre-Pubescent Spinach Leaves, Adolescent Mescul Lettuce Leaves, Adult Kohlrabi Sprigs, Elderly Basil Leaves, Geriatric Radicchio, Aloda Cabbage, Nasturtium Petals and Gotumai Head Lettuce.
Lavishly Embellished with:
Julienne of; Red, Green, Mauve, Taupe and Plaid Peppers, Rednecked Jicama, Wild Rock Beet, Spring Leek, Knottnessa Celery, Parisian Parsnip, Bung Mean Sprouts and Blanched Sunflower Seeds.
Heirloom Tomatoes; Cuore Di Toro, Bloody Butcher, Lady-of-the Evening and Roma Eleganté.
Wild and Subdued Mushrooms; Portlibelli, Phuket Shitake, Asian Pagoda Mildew, Chantrelles, Costa Fortuna Truffles, Verriag Spencif Truffles, Cantefordese Truffles.
Forest Greens; Baby Birch Fipples, Elkhorn Pine Twirlies, Marinated Briar Thorns. Fir Kazoos
Masterfully Accentuated with;
Dam Gouda Cheese, Steen Keiffete Cheese, Aged Imported Swiss Velveeta, French Poodle Chevre, Icelandic Brazil Nuts, Rainbow Sprinkles, Crack Horehound Pepper, Cubes of Very Stale Bread.
Tossed About Haphazardly in a Dressing of;
Balsamic Vinegar, Ultra Virgin Olive Oil, Pennzoil 10-30, Imitation Pure Beluga Caviar, Pure Cold-Pressed Oil of Olay, Essence of Spam Extract, Land Salt, Aero Salt, Assorted Unknown Herbs, Nak-Nak Powder, Cumin Powder, Lemmein Juice, No. Havana Key Lime Juice, Diced Rolaids and MSG.

If you are an octogenarian, ask about our other salad choices.

Le Pasta Course
Thirteen-Foot Verrilonguini Pasta Crocheted into a Pleated Chenille Afghan and Matching Neck Warmer. Drizzled with; Everglades Crocodile Based Mesquite Roasted Tarantula Leg Carbonara .
Promiscuously Intermingled with; Jerked Tibetan Oxtail simmered in a Moose Gristle Broth Reduction and Fuji Apple Jack.

Le Entree Course
Free-Range Spoon-fed Kobe Lobster Tails enveloped in a Bottle-Raised Egyptian Green Falafel Crust.
Fatally Suffocated in; a Sesame Tahini, Teriyaki, Tiziki, Tandoori, Tumany Tutaistany Sauce.
Brilliantly Dazzled with; Lightly Seasoned Bread Crumbs and Various Sweepings from the Kitchen Floor

Supportively Accompanied by;
Savory Baked Alaska of Dorset Horned Sheep Cheese Ice Cream with Peacock Egg Merengue over a Savory Veal Molé Brownie.

With Special Guest Side Dish Cameo Appearance;
Russet Potato Jacket Stuffed with a different Russet Potato, Shucked Chives, Sour Créme Not-So Fraiche, with Wild Boar Proscuitto Sleeves & Collar, Ostrich Breast Filled Ravioli Buttons.

Dessert Course
Criminally Decadent, Perversely Overindulgent, Deleriously Demented Quintuple Chocolate Psychosis Cake. Completely Deluged with Octuple Fudge Butter Cream Icing.

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By numbsain