Goldmind's Unwind

Numbsayings
A collection of adages and maxims, mottos and aphorisms, dictums and epigrams, apothegms and truisms. Time honored advice from the sage that's all the rage, the uncouth Mayor Soothe Sayer. Everyone of these paraphrasable platitudes have come to me in a moment of profound epiphany when the haze of drugs and cheap women suddenly cleared and yours truly found himself standing face to face with the source of all wisdom (no it was not a mirror, but thank you) God himself. Well, you call him God, I call him at the office.

“Thank you for callin’ Heaven, This is Shirley speakin’ how may I direct your call?”
“Shirley baby, put me through to the cheif would you darlin’”
“Please hold.”
“You're an angel Shirl’”
“Sir it's that annoying Mr. Numbsain shall I tell him your in a meeting?”
“Surely Shirley, and tell him, A holy son carries no cross.
“Yes sir…Hello thank you for holding. Mr. Numbsain, he says, ‘a hole in one rather than floss.’”
“Thank you toots.”

The Best of Numbsayings:

Slime flies when you eat and run.

It's not the size of the man, it's the size of his dick.

You can't make a sick person shout in a cows ear.

If the birds don't do the bees, why, fly again.

He who barks at cars farts in bars.

Girls don't gum meatballs, grandpa does.

The longer the wait, the waiter is long.

If the shit moos, eat it.

Father throws farther.

Two penny crooks boil the sloth.

Shirley's not dead, Shirley can't die, tell Laverne, Lenny, Squiggy: don't cry.

A wise man sells beer, a wiser man drinks beer, the wisest man pisses beer.

It's far better to have salad tossed than to toss your salad afar.

You can take the kid out of the country, but you can't take her kidneys out through her cunt.

Don't work hard, smirk honk.

The war kills those who kill themselves.

A doctor a day keeps the dollar away.

Schtup your monkey with your mouse ears.

People who sit on crass couches shouldn't bone hos.

A penny kiestered is a penny shoved up your ass.

If you can't take the meat, don't rape the midget.

He who's half crab, grabs Ralph.

Scanectity is the anal of retention.

You can't make me vomit without taking a few meds.

To hume is arid.

The only thing you have to wear is hair itself.

Funny is the mute of boll weevils.

kick cats, dry hump and leave the wood where it warps.

Don't count your chickens before they're mashed.

You're only as old as the hills.

By numbsain