Goldmind's Unwind

Top 10 Strangest Things Ever Eaten
Special thanks to Kelly Sonora for the idea for this post.
Here's a link to her “real” top 25 strangest things ever eaten list:
(http://www.x-raytechnicianschools.org/the-25-weirdest-things-eaten-by-a-human/).

10. A Rainbow—Gullspit Greenschtuff of Donkeylove NC, consumed a 30 mile wide rainbow after seeing a Skittles® Advertisement. “It wasn't as good as it looked on TV but my friends all think I'm an idiot!” said Gullspit.

9. A Denny's Menu—Claude McScratchinsniff of Left Titsburg, PA, was always disappointed to find the meal didn't look as good on the plate as it did in the pictures. An Irate waitress advised him to, “eat the pictures and go fuck yourself!” McScratchinsniff reportedly complied with the both requests, the latter of which landed him a part in a XXX video entitled “Go Fuck Yourself.”

8. A McDonalds Hamburger—Bunce Flapcrack, a retard of 33 sent us this one from Retard Falls, MO.
We included it for its strangeness in the context of this list. Plus, how do you tell a retard he's clueless?
(Note: The term “retard” does not refer to the mentally handicapped, it refers to people who are retarded by choice and therefore get no special treatment. Duh!)

7. A Tuna fish Vagina—Hollis Clubber, of Idano, Alaska wanted to try human flesh but didn't want to be labeled a cannibal for reasons of his political affiliations with a vice presidential candidate whose name has been withheld. “My employer said, ‘Hollis, I told you, if you ever bring a vagina into this office again you'll rue the day you ever brought a vagina into Sarah Pailin's office. Now eat it! Eat that fishy vagina!’ ”

6. Therapy—Osgood Azitgetz of Chokenhoggin Cumswap, Canada ate 14 two hour therapy sessions which had been paid for prior to his sudden miraculous recovery from chronic excessive repulsive disorder. The complete remission of symptoms occurred after his family doctor advised him to wipe his ass after using the loo. When he requested a refund, Azitgetz was advised by the therapist that he would have to eat it.

5. A Marine—Sgt. Semon Creamens, US Navy, in a boasting match with a rival armed force, claimed that he could eat a member of the US Marine Corp. thus proving superiority of Navy over Marines. Creamans proved his point, completing the task over the course of 4 months, by mixing a small amount of a deceased Marine Corp. Officer cadaver into his hamburger meat everyday until the entire Marine was consumed. Though Creamens considers it a braggable notch in his cap, his fellow officers have advised him not to bring it up at social functions.

4. His Vegetables—Monty Alschult, a six year old from New Tungswick NJ shocked and amazed his parents by executing a task beyond anything they had ever imagined. He ate all his vegetables!

3. A Banister—Tommy “the Termite” Flatz of Persnictity NY chewed through a 14 foot banister over the course of 45 years and digested the chewed wood using the same method employed by termites of ingesting and defecating the masticated wood, letting it ferment and grow tiny organisms which break down the indigestible wood fibers, then re-consuming the moldy rotting wood/organism mixture and repeating this process up to three times until his body actual assimilates the banister.
Flatz not surprisingly is a reclusive loner who has no friends and has never been married. Though available for interviews none were requested.

2. A Suppository—George Phlegm, Nofork VA, ate a suppository.

1. A 1995 Chrysler LeBaron Convertible/Coupe—Stephanie Cringe of Tucumcary NM ate her car when she became so frustrated looking for a parking place that she panicked and ate the vehicle to avoid being late for a job interview. Ironically the position she was applying for was Assistant Editor for Automotive Consumer Guide.