Wednesday, October 29, 2008

This Is Exactly Why I Don't Call My Mother


Everytime she calls, this happens:

Hello, is it a bad time?
I'm sorry.
I just thought maybe...
I am your mother.
NO, no no really, I'll try back later I can see you're busy.
No, I insist. I'm fine.
Sure.
Really.
Yeah?
Ya sure?
I'm not interrupting anything?
No?
All right then, if yer sure.
Then I can chat for a minute but I don't want to overstay, my…y'know.
Cause I'm not one to waste anyone's time.
No.
Never.
So tell me about you.
Don't feel like talking eh?
It's okay.
I understand.
But y'know I really can be a good listener.
Okay it's obvious you don't feel comfortable discussing it with me.
I know trust is earned, not inherited.
I get it.
Yer right, yer absolutely right.
I see how you could feel like that.
It's true, to the untrained eye it could look like that.
I thought you of all people would be able to see past all that.
I am your mother after all.
You'd think that would be worth something.
Some sons actually call their mothers.
Gwen's son calls her every week.
but I'm not judging.
Oh heavens no, I would never.
No, you're acting out of feelings that are important for you to feel.
Listen I would have to.
If we were allowed to.
My father wouldn't let us have feelings.
But you were given that.
And that's a great gift in this life.
That you have that luxury is really…well just cherish it.
‘Cause it's a good thing, trust me.
Take it from someone who was, maybe…e-e-eh not so fortunate, let's say.
Can we say that?
Can we agree on that one basic truth?
Because y'know, the tru—OH MY GOD! OH CRAP! DAMN DAMN DAMN!!! THE CAT'S ON FIRE!!! GET HIM! HE'S RUNNING OUT THE DOOR, CATCH HIM! THROW WATER ON HIM! DO SOMETHING!!! OH! CRAP, HELL, THE DRAPES! HE SET THE DRAPES ON FIRE!! DUMP IT ON HIM! POUR THE DAMN WATER ON THE CAT! HE'S BURNING UP!!! YOU MISSED! YOU IDIOT HE'S STILL ON FIRE, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!? OH YOU MISSED AGAIN!!?? ARE YOU STUPID? CHRIST ALMIGHTY! LOOK AT THAT! NO! NO no no, it's too late.
Don't bother, no.
Look at that.
Poor thing, burnt to a crisp.
My god what a shame.
A perfectly good cat, poof up in smoke.
What did we pay for that cat?
Oh fer gods sake.
Y'know your sister loved that cat.
Now look at him.
No don't touch him! Jeezus.
No that's just a reflex.
They do that.
His lungs are just expelling gas.
It's not really meowing.
No No of course not that would be horrible!
No It's just gas.
Yes, that was more gas…
Oh Goddamn it!
Okay! Hit him with the flower pot!
No hard, stupid.
On the head!
Just DO IT HARDER!
AGAIN!
UNTIL HE STOPS MEOWING!!!
HIT IT!!!
GIMME THE DAMN THING!
LIKE THIS!!!!
SMASH ITS HEAD!
THERE!
THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW!
DON'T SWING IT AROUND LIKE THAT!
OH NO!
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO GRANDMA'S BEAUTIFUL SLIP COVERS.
They're ruined.
No, 409 won't get that out!
Ferget about it.
You've done enough.
You've really ruined my whole afternoon.
Christ all mighty, gutten himmel…Wha?
Oh, I'm sorry honey, are you still there.
I'm sorry, we just had a little accident with the… the vacuum cleaner.
Yeah, sure no he's fine, yeah everybody's fine.
Listen I caught you at a bad time.
I'll go.
Next time is better.
Sure.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Of course.
He's fine.
I will.
You too.
Okay.
Next time.
We will.
You too.
Bye bye.
G'night.
I love you too.
Mm-hmm Bye, Love you.
Bye bye.
Goodnight.

by numbsain...I don't have issues, I have subscriptions.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey,didga momma see da last one? Aye? did she? well waddishe say then aye? go on go on, let on, waddishe say?
Domenica Lunedi

numbsain said...

Ah'll tell ya wut she sayed. She sayed, “Numb, didja has any warshing ya need did? Ah's fixin to pot a load.” Ahm tellin' ya the old ditz bag is bloody oblivious. She gots a moose loose in her caboose. Lemme put it to ya thissaway, She ain't the sort ya want packin' yer parashoot for ye.

Anonymous said...

Weyel Numbs she looked like shed packed a whole parashoot up there to me! Wahoooo

numbsain said...

She do at that, she do at that. IN FACT! My dear old moth eater invented the first contraceptive DEE-vice which utilized a gen-you-whine military issue parachute. Un-for-tuna-ately it were FAULTY! And here I am. She also attempted an abortion in the 572nd trimester, very controversial pro-seed-ure. I'm sitting there watching TV and this doc walks in with a coat hanger and starts yankin' on me. I'm like “yo! Roe versus Wade mothafocker, sit yo monkey ass down foo.”

Anonymous said...

is you is or is you aint celebrating da election? does you need counceling or consoleing? isya leeting off steam or firewerks? isyous happy or sad? wells what is de matta my amigo sweet sweet numby wummy?

numbsain said...

I'm beyond overjoyed that Obama is in. That we have a black president makes me giddy with glee. I don't even care what he does, not having to look at that pinhead retard nazi throwback b*sh is enough.

Anonymous said...

Great stuff!

numbsain said...

Now look here you, let me say this about that while wearing one of these with them over there holding this over those: uh, thank you.

You know, I really appreciate the comments from you guys but it would be nice to know that you are not all the same person. or worse, my mother.
It would be nice to know that it's a male, banjo playing, travel agent from the UK, or a quadrapalegic gold medalist in the luge from Uzbeckistan, or a transexual trapeze artist from the Greater Antilles or the Pope from China. Y'know, throw me a bone here.

Anonymous said...

Ok Fido, here is your bone,Female,38,26,36c!
Nellie adjou

numbsain said...

ARF! ARF! I tried calling that number but it was an old jewish man:

HELLO? WHAT?!
Excuse me sir, is Nelly home?
SMELLY? THEAH'S NO SMELLY HEAH.
No Nelly.
WHOAH NELLY?! AH YOU RIDING A HAWSE?
No sir, but my throat's a little horse.
DEEP THROAT FROM SOME LITTLE WHORES?! WHAT AH YOU SOME KIND OF POIVOIT!?
No sir, not at all I just...
SORRY NOT INTERESTED THEN!

Diane said...

Numbsain! You are truly nuts! And since I'm your real Mom I should know. Where did you get that mind of yours? Certainly not from me or your Dad. We're normal, not like you. Keep it up big guy, someday it might pay off. Or somebody might die laughing and you'll be accused of murder! Love ya. Mom

Anonymous said...

Hey, Numbsains Momma, write us some more, we wanna hear from from you babe.
Is he a good boy or a boring little bad boy? tell us babe, tell us?
NOOKIE
"no oppressionistic osculations comany in election"
Carry Shon