Goldmind's Unwind

This Is Exactly Why I Don't Call My Mother


Everytime she calls, this happens:

Hello, is it a bad time?
I'm sorry.
I just thought maybe...
I am your mother.
NO, no no really, I'll try back later I can see you're busy.
No, I insist. I'm fine.
Sure.
Really.
Yeah?
Ya sure?
I'm not interrupting anything?
No?
All right then, if yer sure.
Then I can chat for a minute but I don't want to overstay, my…y'know.
Cause I'm not one to waste anyone's time.
No.
Never.
So tell me about you.
Don't feel like talking eh?
It's okay.
I understand.
But y'know I really can be a good listener.
Okay it's obvious you don't feel comfortable discussing it with me.
I know trust is earned, not inherited.
I get it.
Yer right, yer absolutely right.
I see how you could feel like that.
It's true, to the untrained eye it could look like that.
I thought you of all people would be able to see past all that.
I am your mother after all.
You'd think that would be worth something.
Some sons actually call their mothers.
Gwen's son calls her every week.
but I'm not judging.
Oh heavens no, I would never.
No, you're acting out of feelings that are important for you to feel.
Listen I would have to.
If we were allowed to.
My father wouldn't let us have feelings.
But you were given that.
And that's a great gift in this life.
That you have that luxury is really…well just cherish it.
‘Cause it's a good thing, trust me.
Take it from someone who was, maybe…e-e-eh not so fortunate, let's say.
Can we say that?
Can we agree on that one basic truth?
Because y'know, the tru—OH MY GOD! OH CRAP! DAMN DAMN DAMN!!! THE CAT'S ON FIRE!!! GET HIM! HE'S RUNNING OUT THE DOOR, CATCH HIM! THROW WATER ON HIM! DO SOMETHING!!! OH! CRAP, HELL, THE DRAPES! HE SET THE DRAPES ON FIRE!! DUMP IT ON HIM! POUR THE DAMN WATER ON THE CAT! HE'S BURNING UP!!! YOU MISSED! YOU IDIOT HE'S STILL ON FIRE, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!? OH YOU MISSED AGAIN!!?? ARE YOU STUPID? CHRIST ALMIGHTY! LOOK AT THAT! NO! NO no no, it's too late.
Don't bother, no.
Look at that.
Poor thing, burnt to a crisp.
My god what a shame.
A perfectly good cat, poof up in smoke.
What did we pay for that cat?
Oh fer gods sake.
Y'know your sister loved that cat.
Now look at him.
No don't touch him! Jeezus.
No that's just a reflex.
They do that.
His lungs are just expelling gas.
It's not really meowing.
No No of course not that would be horrible!
No It's just gas.
Yes, that was more gas…
Oh Goddamn it!
Okay! Hit him with the flower pot!
No hard, stupid.
On the head!
Just DO IT HARDER!
AGAIN!
UNTIL HE STOPS MEOWING!!!
HIT IT!!!
GIMME THE DAMN THING!
LIKE THIS!!!!
SMASH ITS HEAD!
THERE!
THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW!
DON'T SWING IT AROUND LIKE THAT!
OH NO!
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO GRANDMA'S BEAUTIFUL SLIP COVERS.
They're ruined.
No, 409 won't get that out!
Ferget about it.
You've done enough.
You've really ruined my whole afternoon.
Christ all mighty, gutten himmel…Wha?
Oh, I'm sorry honey, are you still there.
I'm sorry, we just had a little accident with the… the vacuum cleaner.
Yeah, sure no he's fine, yeah everybody's fine.
Listen I caught you at a bad time.
I'll go.
Next time is better.
Sure.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Of course.
He's fine.
I will.
You too.
Okay.
Next time.
We will.
You too.
Bye bye.
G'night.
I love you too.
Mm-hmm Bye, Love you.
Bye bye.
Goodnight.

by numbsain...I don't have issues, I have subscriptions.