STOLEN LETTERS
From the United States Postal Service



We have a tradition at Goldmind's Unwind where every milennium we steal a random letter from the post office and post it on the blog. You'd be amazed at how stupid some of these letters are. Here's this millenniums pick.
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Hi Naomi!
It’s been so long! I thought I'd update you! On everything new! and exciting! in my life! Well, spring is here again! And I'm knee deep in love! Their names are Louie! and Rickie!! They're conjoined twins!!! And they're connected at the back!!!! Wow!!!•\ ¡/*—·_.··. . . . ... (Shit@ I just broke my exclamation mark key) Anyway, I think they might really be the two% They're quite affluent but I love them for who they are$ (Look, just assume I'm really excited). They're so attentive and one of them is always emotionally available. I know it’s real because when I put my arms around one of them I feel a connection.

They do have their differences, Louie is a morning person and goes jogging at 6 am but Rickie likes to sleep in so I got louie a treadmill and turned it on its side. We're always together and all that attention is a bit much but at least they have their shit together so I get a little time to myself. It's tough for them being conjoined at the back but God was good to them and they're both oriented the same way. We’re taking ballroom dance classes every Wednesday. It’s not easy when your partner has two left feet. But they have two right feet too so I know they’re stable.

I'd draw you a picture but every time I do I feel I'm being disrespectful. I think it's my cartoony drawing style. The only big problem is the separation thing. You see, they felt they had to get in touch with their own kind so they moved to Siam. I may move there too. Partly to be with them, and also because I like being in different, unfamiliar surroundings and in Siam, I am.

Other good news I'm pregnant (damn, I sure could have used that exclamation mark key right there) with ideas for my new business. One is to open a Mexican fish market where everyone is Mexican and it really smells fishy inside and we'll have the little eyes on all the fish, (I'll have to find out where you get those) and everyone speaks Mexican so it really has that ethnic feeling to it. It’ll be called “Marisco’s Mexican Fish” Won't that be cute?

I'm also thinking of an internet cafe where people can log on and drink virtual coffee and have E-scones and E-clairs. Anyway I'm off to my LOL therapy session. The therapist is a recovering stand up comedian who was so dead pan that he hit bottom and then he developed LOL (I wasn’t laughing because he developed, I was saying he developed LOL…Like LOL is what he developed). It’s based on the old saying, “laughter is the best medicine.” Now he helps others with LOL therapy. It’s fun; we do a lot of lolling around and if we’re good we get lollypops but I want to go while there’s a loll in traffic.

Write soon, and any other words you can think of, Love Mom

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Isn't that the stupidest letter you've ever read? Thanks for visiting and come back again real soon y'hear? Y'hear? ARE YOU STILL HERE?

Hilda & Tilda



Hilda: I’m a big fat liar.
Tilda: Why do you lie.
Hilda: I don’t.
Tilda: You just said you were a liar.
Hilda: I lied.
Tilda: So then you admit it.
Hilda: Admit what?
Tilda: That you’re a liar.
Hilda: No I don’t.
Tilda: Then why did you say you do.
Hilda: Do what?
Tilda: Lie.
Hilda: Okay, I’m a liar.
Tilda: There you see, you admitted you're a liar.
Hilda: You told me to lie.
Tilda: When?
Hilda: Five lines back. you said, “Lie.” So I did.
Tilda: What did you lie about?
Hilda: I lied about being a liar.
Tilda: So then you’re not a liar?
Hilda: Yes.
Tilda: Yes what?
Hilda: Yes I’m not a liar, I agreed with you.
Tilda: About what?
Hilda: About me not being a liar.
Tilda: Are you sure?
Hilda: Sure I’m sure.
Tilda: You’re not lying are you?
Hilda: No, I’m not lying.
Tilda: Prove it.
Hilda: I’m a liar.
Tilda: What?
Hilda: You said, “prove it.” So I told the truth.
Tilda: The truth?
Hilda: Yes I did not lie, the truth is that I’m a liar.
Tilda: How does that prove anything.
Hilda: If I was a liar, do you think I would admit it?
Tilda: No.
Hilda: Then I proved that I’m not a liar because I admitted I lied.
Tilda: Oh. Then I guess I can trust you.
Hilda: With what?
Tilda: Well I have to ask you a question and I want an honest answer from someone who doesn’t lie. Since you proved you’re not a liar, I can trust you to tell me the truth.
Hilda: Yup. Go ahead, ask me anything.
Tilda: Does my ass make my ass look fat?
Hilda: A little maybe.
Tilda: Hilda! When somebody asks you a question like that you're not supposed to tell the truth!

By numbsain…The truth will set your can of worms free.

TORTURE



(Tee hee giggle)
Hi there handsome…
My name if Krissy and guess what?
(Tee hee) today's your lucky day!
I'm gonna let you see my boobies! Uh-huh.
You like boobies don't you? (giggle)
I thought so and mine are extra bi-i-i-g and special!
Ready?
Ahahaha There! How do you like these?
Huh? Pretty nice aren't they? Ah-ah-ah, don't touch!
Hands to yerself mister. You can look all you want but no touchies.
Oo-ooh-ooh Have you ever seen a set of boobies this big before?
Prob'ly not cause mine are the best! So round and firm…
and just look at how they bounce, (tee hee!) Wo-o-OW huh?
Ooh I just love it when guys look at them (tee hee) look, look how my pretty pink nipples got all hard and stick out so much. Oh I'm so embarrassed now everyone knows I'm horny. Oopsies! I guess I am kind of a dirty little whore sometimes.
Oh well I can't help it! (giggle hee hee)
Ooh! I just got an idea! you know what I'm gonna do now?
I just gotta take my pants off too! Ooh yah! (tee hee) here I go-o-oo!
Whoopsy daisy! Ha ha can you see my butt now? Oooh yah I bet you like it huh?
Ooh I like that you like it…Uh oh, now what did I tell you about hands?
That's a no no. But you can feast your eyes on all of me!
W-o-o-ow nice huh? Here, let me spread it for you so you can see E-e-everything!
Gosh I'm such a slut I just cant help myself! Ohh! Peekaboo Ha ha ha hee hee
Did you see what I did? I'm a naughty girl huh? Look I'll even show you my pretty pink shaved vagina! It's so tight and steamy in there!
Gosh I can't believe I'm just standing here totally naked letting you see every inch of me! All naked and jiggly! (Tee hee!)
Ooh look, look at my pussy cat. See how wet I am?
Ooh this feels Go-o-ood, Oh! Oh! faster faster! I'm sorry I can't help it! I…I… I think I'm gonna co…co…(gasp) Come! Oh yes I'm coming, I'm Coming! LOOK AT ME I'M COMING FOR YOU! OH! OH! NNNG! YES! YESSSS! Yeah! Ooh
oops! Look what I did. I gotta go! (Tee hee) bye bye!


Hey Ray who was that girl? Man, she was hot!…but why are you crying Mr. Charles?

A TRIPPED TICK
Illustrated by Numbsain

Note: Thousands of innocent ticks were harmed in the making of this comic.

The last minute 13 seconds in the life of a truck driver



2:35:12 pm

I'd been driving non-stop for 6 days with only brief naps on the straight stretches of highway. Whenever the road started to curve the rocks and gravel under my wheels always woke me up. But this time it was different. I only felt that rumble for a moment and then the road got real smooth again. The smoothest ever in fact. So smooth it lulled me into a deep sleep.

I had a dream that my rig could fly and I was making a delivery but I couldn’t remember where. I looked back and my flatbed was piled high with cherub parts, wings, heads, pudgy little arms and what not. They were strapped down with netting to keep them from rolling off the truck and littering the sky. For some reason I was happy to be making this delivery, although I have no idea what they wanted with all those pieces of cherubim.

I was tired but I had a sack full of giant bennies, y’know those little white crosses only these were about the size of frisbees and I was eatin’ ‘em like cookies. Just taking big bites out of 'em and then I’d get a burst of energy. Sure was a smooth ride; no potholes or rough pavement. Nothing like the road I was on before I fell asleep—a curvy treacherous mountain pass with a rock wall on one side, sheer cliff on the other side. Had to stay alert or I’d go flying right off the edge. How did I get on this smooth easy road? Oh yeah I fell asleep.

Wait a minute! I suddenly got a bad feeling and it woke me up out of the dream.
I looked out the windshield and just as I feared, the reason the road was so smooth was because I’d driven right off it. Over the cliff. Oh shit. I fucked up. And it was a tanker full of 60,000 gallons of jet fuel. Here I was with the road behind me flying through the air with an outdoor rock concert festival directly below me.

And the worst thing about it was that my wife and kids were at that concert. “Rock the Cliff” I think it was called. A bunch of popular bands were playing there and the kids really wanted to go so my wife took ‘em. I started to think about my wife and how much I loved her. About 3 times a week but it was never enough for me, I would have every night if she’d let me. Damn. How sad that I’ll never see her again. And my kids. I never really liked them very much, but still, I kinda got used to them and I guess they were kinda cute, if you like kids. Felt kinda bad for them cause they kinda worshipped me. Hmm! Aah, fuck ‘em. I was getting close to the festival at the bottom of the cliff, pretty much in an out-of-control free fall.

Wow there sure are a lot of people down there. They look like they’re scared of something. Why are they all fleeing with looks of horror on their faces. Oh of course! It’s me in my truck they’re trying to get away from. But they’re really moving slow. Hey look! There’s my wife! Honey! Hey honey, it’s me! What’s the matter honey, why do you look so scared? Oh yeah, me again. Sorry honey there’s really nothing I can do about this. It’s in gravity’s hands now! Gee she looks hot even when she’s scared shitless. God it’s too bad I can’t just do her one more time. There was that one time last summer in the cabin when we did it really good. I mean, it was probably the best sex anyone has ever had. We both remembered to take a shower and brush our teeth first. It lasted exactly 4 minutes, I came and I think she might have even come to and then we didn’t say a word to each other afterward and she went straight to the kitchen and made me a sandwich. Damn I love that women. That was a helluva good sandwich. Hmm, ah memories…Do I have time for a song? Nah probably not.

I wonder if I’ll survive the impact at least long enough to screw my wife once. Nah, I’m gonna land right on top of her looks like so she’ll get pretty messed up too. Shit, she can’t even get in the mood if she has a hangnail. Oh well. Oh there’s my kids. Hi guys! It’s me yer dad. I kinda fucked up and went off the road! Isn’t this a coincidence that I just happen to land right on top of you guys? These are my kids. This is Jamey and the little one's Keith. Hey there Keithy! Yeah I know. Sorry about the truck pressing down on your face. Kinda heavy huh? Yeah daddy’s sorry. Oh I don’t think he heard that; he’s pretty much flattened. Oh there goes my wife. My front tank hit her right in the eye. Ow! Sorry honey! My bad. Aah, she’s gone. Oh look Jamey's getting away…nope, the flames engulfed her.

Hey that’s weird, my skin is turning black and melting right off my bones! That is totally weird! Feels really strange, what is that? Oh it’s just really intense pain. Amazing! I never felt pain like that before. Wait what’s happening now? Everything went black. And now I think my brain is burning up cause I can’t…

2:36:25 pm

By numbsain …“numbsain—Why?”

Use of the words “cherubim” “frisbee” and “shitless” was made possible by a grant from the National Foundation for the Arts and Mr. & Mrs. Fred Brimball. All other words used were done so at the authors own risk.

No truck drivers were consulted to ensure accuracy of facts herein.
An acceptable number of animals were killed in the making of this story.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
From “Paines Acres” Senile Living Community



Well, now that I'm gittin' up on into my twilight years it pert near just about seems pretty darn silly to make up a whole heap o' mess o' load o' demands and expectations and goals and commitments and…why did it get so dark in here?…Nurse?…I'm outta here… [brrap] …No I guess I'm still here. Just a little gas. Thought it was the ticker.
—Bucky Fartzmueller, 99

My News Week Resolution is to find a magic bean sprout and tie my penis around it so I can fly through barn doors without losing my green teeth. We built tunnels when the sales margin started to snow in the kittens stomach. Hot damn that’ll get the sergeant to quit making those tiny bugle noises with his butt cheeks while I’m trying to read the laxative box.
—Brebidiah Faulkner, 97

I intend to step up my workout regimen and get my ticker back in ship shape. I’ll increase my sit-ups to one a day, I’m benching 200 right now—gonna try to get that up to 250 acorns—keeping the weight light so I don’t bulk up too much, Then I’ll bump up my squats to three sets of one rep each. Then we’ll see who sploshes the bedpans.
—Andy Doohickey, 89

This year I’m going to lose the walker and take up jogging…in the nude. Maybe meet a babe in the park—have a fling in the bushes…or over her shoulder and take me home, heh-heh.
—Fred Castors, Deceased

I’m gonna resolve to find that doctor that did that prostate surgery on me while I was sleeping and have him reverse it. The damn thing hasn’t worked since and I used to be a major stud. I want my manhood back dammit!
—Earl Perkins, 92

Well, I don’t much cotton to resolutions. Nawp, can’t keep ‘em. Got that there Alzheimer’s syndrum. Don’t even try to do the shoppin’ any more, hoot I’ll come back with the trousers on backwards so I don’t have a…Got a maid service do all my books…don’t read many books anymore. Can’t retain ‘em always running round the yard getting into the feed bins, what’s the use y’know. I’ll tell ya…least I don’t have Alzheimer's
—Barney Fitzdresden, 91

Hoo boy I got some resolutions all right: first thing I need ta do is git me a pair a bowlin’ loafers and try to find my buddies from the league. I got their numbers here somewhere in my rolodex. Huh? Resolutions? Aw no that ain’t possible since I sprained my sciatica.
—Fillmore Weaselbody, 88

Is it New Years Time already? Well I suppose I have to make at least one. I think I should like to take up crocheting. That’s what I’m gonna do and the first thing I’ll crochet is a little lap dog. Oh it’ll be just the cutest little thing settin’ right here on my lap. I’ll crochet him out of that darn cat that’s always snoopin’ around here. That evil thing killed my first three babies. Just last week. Terrible crime. Makes my bowels move just to think on it.
—Estelle Glamencia, 99

You don’t have to tell me twice, I got one for ya. So a man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm. Proceeds to climb up on the picnic table there and asks if anybody from the audience would let him put his pecker in their mouth. So this dizzy blond bimbo from the back o’ the plane says, “Ooh teacher, teacher, I’ll do it! Just don’t hit me in the head so hard. Hyah-hah-hah! Aha-hah-hyuk-hyuk! Don’t cha get it she says, …aw now did I…No I didn’t tell it right, DAMMIT! There goes the brain. Brains always the first to go.
—Rosco Miters, 86

I don’t make new years resolutions on account of I can’t remember ‘em. In Fact I can’t even remember what you just asked me did you say I needed to change my colostomy bag? I don’t ever do it on account of I can’t remember. What’s that smell?
—Fenester Cullpickett, 106

by numbsain…just a snatchgrab away from being a doddering old wrinkle vendor himself!