Goldmind's Unwind

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
From “Paines Acres” Senile Living Community



Well, now that I'm gittin' up on into my twilight years it pert near just about seems pretty darn silly to make up a whole heap o' mess o' load o' demands and expectations and goals and commitments and…why did it get so dark in here?…Nurse?…I'm outta here… [brrap] …No I guess I'm still here. Just a little gas. Thought it was the ticker.
—Bucky Fartzmueller, 99

My News Week Resolution is to find a magic bean sprout and tie my penis around it so I can fly through barn doors without losing my green teeth. We built tunnels when the sales margin started to snow in the kittens stomach. Hot damn that’ll get the sergeant to quit making those tiny bugle noises with his butt cheeks while I’m trying to read the laxative box.
—Brebidiah Faulkner, 97

I intend to step up my workout regimen and get my ticker back in ship shape. I’ll increase my sit-ups to one a day, I’m benching 200 right now—gonna try to get that up to 250 acorns—keeping the weight light so I don’t bulk up too much, Then I’ll bump up my squats to three sets of one rep each. Then we’ll see who sploshes the bedpans.
—Andy Doohickey, 89

This year I’m going to lose the walker and take up jogging…in the nude. Maybe meet a babe in the park—have a fling in the bushes…or over her shoulder and take me home, heh-heh.
—Fred Castors, Deceased

I’m gonna resolve to find that doctor that did that prostate surgery on me while I was sleeping and have him reverse it. The damn thing hasn’t worked since and I used to be a major stud. I want my manhood back dammit!
—Earl Perkins, 92

Well, I don’t much cotton to resolutions. Nawp, can’t keep ‘em. Got that there Alzheimer’s syndrum. Don’t even try to do the shoppin’ any more, hoot I’ll come back with the trousers on backwards so I don’t have a…Got a maid service do all my books…don’t read many books anymore. Can’t retain ‘em always running round the yard getting into the feed bins, what’s the use y’know. I’ll tell ya…least I don’t have Alzheimer's
—Barney Fitzdresden, 91

Hoo boy I got some resolutions all right: first thing I need ta do is git me a pair a bowlin’ loafers and try to find my buddies from the league. I got their numbers here somewhere in my rolodex. Huh? Resolutions? Aw no that ain’t possible since I sprained my sciatica.
—Fillmore Weaselbody, 88

Is it New Years Time already? Well I suppose I have to make at least one. I think I should like to take up crocheting. That’s what I’m gonna do and the first thing I’ll crochet is a little lap dog. Oh it’ll be just the cutest little thing settin’ right here on my lap. I’ll crochet him out of that darn cat that’s always snoopin’ around here. That evil thing killed my first three babies. Just last week. Terrible crime. Makes my bowels move just to think on it.
—Estelle Glamencia, 99

You don’t have to tell me twice, I got one for ya. So a man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm. Proceeds to climb up on the picnic table there and asks if anybody from the audience would let him put his pecker in their mouth. So this dizzy blond bimbo from the back o’ the plane says, “Ooh teacher, teacher, I’ll do it! Just don’t hit me in the head so hard. Hyah-hah-hah! Aha-hah-hyuk-hyuk! Don’t cha get it she says, …aw now did I…No I didn’t tell it right, DAMMIT! There goes the brain. Brains always the first to go.
—Rosco Miters, 86

I don’t make new years resolutions on account of I can’t remember ‘em. In Fact I can’t even remember what you just asked me did you say I needed to change my colostomy bag? I don’t ever do it on account of I can’t remember. What’s that smell?
—Fenester Cullpickett, 106

by numbsain…just a snatchgrab away from being a doddering old wrinkle vendor himself!