Monday, January 19, 2009

The last minute 13 seconds in the life of a truck driver

2:35:12 pm

I'd been driving non-stop for 6 days with only brief naps on the straight stretches of highway. Whenever the road started to curve the rocks and gravel under my wheels always woke me up. But this time it was different. I only felt that rumble for a moment and then the road got real smooth again. The smoothest ever in fact. So smooth it lulled me into a deep sleep.

I had a dream that my rig could fly and I was making a delivery but I couldn’t remember where. I looked back and my flatbed was piled high with cherub parts, wings, heads, pudgy little arms and what not. They were strapped down with netting to keep them from rolling off the truck and littering the sky. For some reason I was happy to be making this delivery, although I have no idea what they wanted with all those pieces of cherubim.

I was tired but I had a sack full of giant bennies, y’know those little white crosses only these were about the size of frisbees and I was eatin’ ‘em like cookies. Just taking big bites out of 'em and then I’d get a burst of energy. Sure was a smooth ride; no potholes or rough pavement. Nothing like the road I was on before I fell asleep—a curvy treacherous mountain pass with a rock wall on one side, sheer cliff on the other side. Had to stay alert or I’d go flying right off the edge. How did I get on this smooth easy road? Oh yeah I fell asleep.

Wait a minute! I suddenly got a bad feeling and it woke me up out of the dream.
I looked out the windshield and just as I feared, the reason the road was so smooth was because I’d driven right off it. Over the cliff. Oh shit. I fucked up. And it was a tanker full of 60,000 gallons of jet fuel. Here I was with the road behind me flying through the air with an outdoor rock concert festival directly below me.

And the worst thing about it was that my wife and kids were at that concert. “Rock the Cliff” I think it was called. A bunch of popular bands were playing there and the kids really wanted to go so my wife took ‘em. I started to think about my wife and how much I loved her. About 3 times a week but it was never enough for me, I would have every night if she’d let me. Damn. How sad that I’ll never see her again. And my kids. I never really liked them very much, but still, I kinda got used to them and I guess they were kinda cute, if you like kids. Felt kinda bad for them cause they kinda worshipped me. Hmm! Aah, fuck ‘em. I was getting close to the festival at the bottom of the cliff, pretty much in an out-of-control free fall.

Wow there sure are a lot of people down there. They look like they’re scared of something. Why are they all fleeing with looks of horror on their faces. Oh of course! It’s me in my truck they’re trying to get away from. But they’re really moving slow. Hey look! There’s my wife! Honey! Hey honey, it’s me! What’s the matter honey, why do you look so scared? Oh yeah, me again. Sorry honey there’s really nothing I can do about this. It’s in gravity’s hands now! Gee she looks hot even when she’s scared shitless. God it’s too bad I can’t just do her one more time. There was that one time last summer in the cabin when we did it really good. I mean, it was probably the best sex anyone has ever had. We both remembered to take a shower and brush our teeth first. It lasted exactly 4 minutes, I came and I think she might have even come to and then we didn’t say a word to each other afterward and she went straight to the kitchen and made me a sandwich. Damn I love that women. That was a helluva good sandwich. Hmm, ah memories…Do I have time for a song? Nah probably not.

I wonder if I’ll survive the impact at least long enough to screw my wife once. Nah, I’m gonna land right on top of her looks like so she’ll get pretty messed up too. Shit, she can’t even get in the mood if she has a hangnail. Oh well. Oh there’s my kids. Hi guys! It’s me yer dad. I kinda fucked up and went off the road! Isn’t this a coincidence that I just happen to land right on top of you guys? These are my kids. This is Jamey and the little one's Keith. Hey there Keithy! Yeah I know. Sorry about the truck pressing down on your face. Kinda heavy huh? Yeah daddy’s sorry. Oh I don’t think he heard that; he’s pretty much flattened. Oh there goes my wife. My front tank hit her right in the eye. Ow! Sorry honey! My bad. Aah, she’s gone. Oh look Jamey's getting away…nope, the flames engulfed her.

Hey that’s weird, my skin is turning black and melting right off my bones! That is totally weird! Feels really strange, what is that? Oh it’s just really intense pain. Amazing! I never felt pain like that before. Wait what’s happening now? Everything went black. And now I think my brain is burning up cause I can’t…

2:36:25 pm

By numbsain“numbsain—Why?”

Use of the words “cherubim” “frisbee” and “shitless” was made possible by a grant from the National Foundation for the Arts and Mr. & Mrs. Fred Brimball. All other words used were done so at the authors own risk.

No truck drivers were consulted to ensure accuracy of facts herein.
An acceptable number of animals were killed in the making of this story.

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