Friday, April 25, 2008

MEAN CUISINE
by numbsain



Welcome to the Mean Cuisine Gore-May Kitchen where victuals victimize you and we light the gas in gastronomic delights. Specializing in Killinary Klassics that everyone will bring up at the dinner table. You don't need reservations because once they see the menu most people already have reservations. Hope you brought your cast iron stomach and plenty of Ipecac, or at least a Nelly Fortado CD.


SALADS

Seizure SaladJust like Grand Maul used to make.
Wal-Dwarf SaladWe tossed in a Dwarf.
Spin-itch SaladSpinach and Fresh Baby Poison Ivy
Anti-Christ-O SaladWith Deviled Eggs and Mortal-Della

ENTREES


Arroz Con Polio—It's Cripple-icious!
Beef SwellingtonSwollen Welts of Black Anguish Beef.
Chicken TetrachlorideJuicy Chunks in Solvent Sauce.
Kung Fu ChickenYou kill teacher, WHY? WHY? WHY?
Carnage AsadaBloody Marinated Steak
Beef Never LoinsSo now it’s gotta loin the hard way.
Rodney King DuckCan’t we all just get a leg?
Wreck of LambTreated worse than veal even.
Ratatat-KaBLOOEEYA semi automatic favorite.
Mobster TailIt sleeps with fishes.

HOMA-SIDE DISHES

Rigor-Mortoni—It’s Pasta Way.
Potatos Augh! Rotten!—But It’s still good.
Torture-lini Al Pest Control—Served by the Orkin Man.
Fried Calamity-mari—Deep Fried until Rubbery.
Sexually Assaulted PeanutsDe-virginia-nized peanuts.

RISE AND SHINERS

Decapitated Coffee—Won’t keep you up.
Lo Cal Egg Beaters—When you’re on a die-et.
Eggs Bent Dick
—Ouch! That's gotta hurt.
Incontinental Breakfast
—Depends® how hungry you are.
Cold Cereal Killer—Killoggs, Genocide Mills, Postal.
Agent Orange JuiceWith Bloody Pulp.

LUNCH WITH A PUNCH


Feel Awful SandwichWe won't have ta-bully you into it.
Chopped Off LiverIt was about to go anyway.
Poverty-Stricken-Boy SandwichWorse off than a Poorboy.
Billy Club Sandwich—Nobody Beats Ours.
Nuclear Submarine Sandwich—Dive! Dive!
Past Trauma Sandwich—You'll Need Therapy.

DESSERTS STRESSED

Pineapple Upside-Yo-Head Cake—A Tropical Treat.
Terror-Me-Sue—Rum for your lives!
Tres Leeches—This dessert sucks.
Pain De Choke-a-Lot—Goes down great with the Heimlich.
Napalmier—Served scalding hot and sticks to your ribs.
Date Rape Loaf—You know her so its not as much work.
Rhubarb-Wire Pie—You can’t escape.
Apple-Schrapnel—with Grenade-ine flavoring.


Sponsored by...
Maalox
Alka-Seltzer
Rolaids
Tums
Brioschi
Pepsid AC
Pepto-Bismol
Mylanta

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Human brickette, you can light my fire anytime honey

numbsain said...

You've met your match, Anne Onamous! We may have a four alarm on our hands. (you're not over 90 are you? cause that's too old for me. And you're not a man right? Actually don't worry about that, nobody's perfect... Bipedal? Just checking, those days are over for me)
I've got the hose if you've got the wetness! Is this my old flame, Barbie Cue, trying to rekindle something? I'm getting the “wood” already, maybe some crumpled newspaper or should we lay it out on the bottom of my cage? I think this one might be messy. Back that ash up shweetheart.

Oh God, hose me down.

Anonymous said...

yes, oh yes, lets have a hoe down!
Ava Guiness