Monday, May 26, 2008

Advice for the Chronically Religious

Dear numbsain,
My husband and I are trying to have a child but we’ve been unsuccessful. We’re Amish and I think our strict rules about bedroom activities may be the reason Belyle isn’t getting, uh, in the mood. Normally we remain fully clothed but we wear special attire which allows that sort of thing. I was wondering if you had any ideas about how I could spice things up in the bedroom so Belyle can get more, well, ready.

Covered Head to Toe

Dear Head,
Your husband does not need you to spice things up to get an erection. The rules of your religion have worked for generations and there’s no reason to change them. Tell him to think of the glory of God. That should get him stiff as a rock. If not, you might try getting a strap-on and giving it to him in the apse before the eyes of god. Does your religion say anything about nipple clamps? Just a thought.

Dear numbsain,
I am a three time born again Christian and I have been using a lot of self help techniques and positive affirmations to stop feeling like such a worthless piece of trash but I’m so dense that it’s not working. I know this is a stupid question because my mom tells me I’ve always been stupid. I’m such an idiot for believing her, but my stupid question is, am I really just being a moron for trying to use self help when I’m obviously hopeless?

Not so bad really

Dear bad,
Try this positive affirmation; “I’m not a worthless piece of shit, I’m stupid for thinking I am” and just repeat that over and over until you get it through your thick skull. Just kidding! Okay here’s what you have to do. Get two pieces of wire and and stick one in each ear. Take the loose ends and insert them into a power outlet. This should wipe your brain clean. When you’re back to “mama,” then talk to me.

Dear numbsain,
We’re Jehovah’s witnesses and the other day we were going door to door proselytizing to strangers. One man opened the door and we went inside only to find that he was not wearing any trousers and standing at attention! I knew what was going to happen next so I rushed the children out the door and distracted the man while they escaped. I flung myself onto his bulging male member and pummeled it with my loins until it was unable to do any harm. Do you think I committed a sin? I was only thinking of the children.

Good Samaritan

Dear Samaritan,

That was you?! HA-hahahahaha Yeah! When you comin’ back baby? You were awesome!

Dear numbsain,
I was raised Mormon and Mormon is the best religion of all. We’re the most informed and the most intelligent. We even have our own book. So why am I a 45 year old virgin and I’ve never even seen my own vagina?

George the Mormon

Dear George the Moron,
The lord works in mysterious ways.

Dear numbsain,
My family is Catholic. People say Catholic women are promiscuous, slutty and get pregnant too young. That’s a stereotype and not all Catholic women are like that. I have a beautiful daughter who just had her Basmitsvah! I’m glad I didn’t make the same mistake my mother did having me when she was 14. I feel bad for my mom because now she’s 39 and she looks old.

Know Better

Dear No Better,
You blithering idiot, obviously you were not able to complete junior high due to pregnancy, otherwise you would know that you not only revealed to me that you had your child when you were 12, further evidence that Catholics are sluts, but also that you’re actually Jewish! Which means...Hey! O-o-o-oh, I get it. You think your slick, making an anti-Semitic statement to divert the attention off of Catholics.

Dear numbsain,
If a Seventh Day Adventist sang “Six Days on the Road” with Johnny Cash, but the bank put a Five Day Hold on a check over a Four Day Weekend, then he had Three Day Blinds shipped Second Day Air, how many One A Day multiple vitamins should he take?

Latter Day Saint

Dear Latter Days Ain’t,
Unless you’re Zero Mostel, blast off!

Dear numbsain,
What is the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?

Bobby (12 years old),

Dear Bobby,
Acne won't come on your face until your thirteen.

The Good Reverend Dr. Numbsain's Uplifting Sermons can be heard every Sunday at the Academy of Our Lord Father of the Holy Penetration of the Immaculate Vagina Academy. Late Night Bible Study & Massage Workshop at the Divine Mother Chorizo of the Crispy Genitals Ministry on Wheels. Every 7th Sunday at the Burning Bookmobile Traveling Snake-Oil Sermonette or Online at the I-vangelist Herpes Heal-A-Thon @ or


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