Friday, May 16, 2008

(no pun intended)

by Numbsain—The Worlds Leading Authority on Putting Up with Chicks

This broad is finding out what it's like to be a guy.

Part 1—That Time of the Month
First of all, you ain't gonna get away without a fight so don't even try. It'll just piss 'em off more. So what ya gotta do is, tick 'em off a little, a few of times a day. That way they don't build it up and then explode all over your ass for some crap you didn't do, like sleep with another chick.

Leave a dirty sock in the refrigerator, pee in the clothes hamper, grope her mom's ass, little stuff. Slam the door in her face, maybe drop a carton of eggs. I personally like to spank the cat right in front of her, cause that doesn't hurt anybody and she can get all uppity about it. Driving like a maniac is good too. But never really bad stuff because then you gotta deal with it. Like one time I set all her clothes on fire and that was bad cause she was wearing them.

The other thing is, if they seem to be getting all PMS'd out, don't say: "Damn baby, you must be on the rag." Trust me, I've been doing it for years and it backfires on me every time. I even tried saying it nice, like: "It's okay honey your probably just on the rag." or I try to break it to 'em gently like: "I see your chewing me a new asshole, say listen I was just going to the market. Want I should pick you up some maxi pads while I'm there?" They're too smart for that. Don't start making a little bed for yourself on the couch either. But the worst "for paw" you can make when a chick is on the rag is to say "I love you." I tried that once and you know what she said to me? She said: "Why?" Boy, was I screwed.

Part 2—Holidays (Especially Valentimes Day)

Okay, your gonna forget so the best thing you can do is, around January start thinking of a good excuse. Don't end up like me, I had to total the car cause I didn't have an excuse ready. Good excuses are: I got fired, I had amnesia, I spent all the money on something and it didn't get delivered on time. Then you gotta get a friend to dress up like a delivery guy the next day and that can get expensive. Don't try the following: Don't say "what did you get me?" or “C'mon baby, we don't have to do that stuff anymore.“ You say that and you won't be doin' a lot of stuff anymore.

Part 3—Cheeting, The Big Myth Misspelled

You know when your woman is cheating when she suddenly starts being nice to you for no reason. If your not sure, you can be damn sure by going out and getting a little extra correctular action yourself. Bring her home with you even and let your chick catch you in bed with her. If she say's “Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't know you were home honey," shuts the door and leaves after putting two TV dinners out to thaw for you and your date, she's cheatin'.

Or you may catch her in bed with someone. If you do, she's definitely cheating on you. But the big myth is, that cheating is a bad thing. It's actually a good thing because it means you can do whatever you want now. The truth is, cheating always has a good outcome. If she's doing it, she's not interested in pleasing you anymore so you don't want her. Move on. If you're doing it, you don't want her. Move on. You always gotta keep it fresh, recycle chicks, don't get stuck with the same one for too long, cause she'll get old on you. You don't want to end up with some old chick. And don't ever tell a chick you love her. She'll get old and mean in a heartbeat. Keep 'em guessing, keep 'em fresh and keep 'em sore.
By that I mean boff 'em till they burn. She should walk funny afterwards if you do it right. Then you know she can't say shit to you and you are the man!

Part 4—Escape Route

Don't never get into a situation where you're chick is mad and you can't get away clean. They have no scrooples, they'll call the heat on you, they'll scream rape, they'll trash your car, anything. The minute you see her head for the tires with a knife, run her down. If you can't hit her, floor it. She can't puncture your tires while they're spinning. When you go to her house, back into the parking space, hide the key under the car where you can get it fast. Sleep with your clothes on, and don't bring your wallet. Don't do nothin' she can turn you in for. Broads are like a carton of milk with no 'sell by' date on it, you never know when she'll turn on you.

By numbsain...2345 dates to date and counting, in other words, I know of what I speak

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

you know just how to be a total shit, how doea a babe get it on with you?