Goldmind's Unwind

Bad Botany:
numbsain reviews phytoliterary phailures



Review: Growth in my Bloomers
With so many badly written books about botany on the market today, It's easy to write about the subject. That's why I write bad botanical literature reviews exclusively. Today I'll be puttering around the pages of a book by Dr. Phil A. Dendron best known for his groundbreaking work, "A Spry Sprout Sprung in Spring" in which he psychically channels the thoughts of a seedling throughout it's one inch journey to the surface of the "growing medium" which is what Dr. Dendron is often referred to as, (but his wife Rhoda Dendron just treats him like dirt!)

That was a little phyto-humor! My friends often tell me: "Manure too mulch! for peets sake, grow up!" Anyway, in Dr. Dendrons latest offering, "Growth in my Bloomers" the entire plant kingdom is broken down into four categories:

#1. Plants that have prickly stuff on them
#2. plants that are poisonous
#3. plants that are more than ten feet tall
#4. plants that bite.

By sub-grouping all plants into these four catagories you eliminate almost half of them thereby making the whole science of agrobotanophytovegetology a lot simpler to learn than it is to say. The author explains that one can, right off the bat, forget about category #3, plants that are more than ten feet tall, because it consists of only trees and they fall under the category of arborism which is covered in Dr. Dendrons book "An Act of Arborism." A sad story about the authors parents who were killed by a falling tree.

He then explains that category #2, plants that are poisonous, are not necessary to learn because they don't really work (which is why he had to resort to the falling tree). Which leaves categories 1 and 4, the latter of which consists of venus fly traps and have you ever felt the teeth on those things? They couldn't hurt a fly. So all you really need to know about are the following plants:

Stinging Nettles (Ouchus Sonovabitchium)
Tulips (Labia Tuovum)
Ugly Crocuses (Bloomania Tubaggerensis)
Pineapple Upside-Down Vine (Fruitus Bassakwardium)
Itching Irises (Eyecolorus Scratchis)
Dick Cactus (Prickelia Prickabonar)
Forget-me-lots (Remembrus Writemdownsis)
Umbrella Flowers (Rainidaseum smellus gudis)
Crotchless Pantybane (Secretus Victorialis)
Knishwort (Noshus Yiddensis)
Icky Sorrel (Grosselium Disgusticum)
Nasty Stershums (Nasturtius Yellowishus)
Grinchberries (Seusseus Stolchrismasum)
Prickpoke (Penetratus Ouchius)
Lacerated Lilac (Laceratus Fibnotium)
Asskissel (Brownosius Smoochum)
Not-so-niceweed (Sidewalkus Crackis Meanius)
Taserwillow (Zapus Arboretus)
Saul Paul Meadow Flower (Twoguyzum Inafeildus)

They're easy to learn by remembering the phrase spelled by the first letters of each. In summary, or in wintery, springery and fallery, I highly recommend this book for kindling or for paper training your doberman. (It's also available in paperback if you have a miniature doberman.) But if you're a garden variety gardener you'll find this book to be a leafspring of misinformation and a boon to the layman who wants to fail at gardening.

Review: The Solar Power Plant
Meg Nolia and Mary Gold collaborate on this thoroughly insipid waste of paper which explores the outer surface of a mind-numbingly vapid subject; the relationship between plant and sun.The 300 page book even includes excerpts of dialogue and cute quotes from the seedling itself: "I love you sun, I wish I could be close to you and snuggle with you.” “At five million degrees kelvin, I hope there are some rastafarians around to smoke your sorry ass you green moron.” Etc. The whole book is chock full of drivel like this and I keep it in my bathroom at all times. I'm almost finished with the book already since I had a bad case of the runs last week. It's high quality printing on 10 pound uncoated stock is perfect for tough clean-ups and the hard cover makes an excellent table leg shim.

So remember, when looking for a book on the subject, make sure they're about vegetables, not written by them. Check with my reviews column to help weed out the compost filler before you plunk down the lettuce. by numbsain

Numbsain is the world's foremost authority on bad writing and has been bad-rapping, lambasting, and providing harsh, non-constructive criticizm to bad writers for over 10 years.