Goldmind's Unwind

Top 40 Worst Pet Names
(nicknames couples give each other)

He calls her “Bunny Boo”, she calls him “Huggy Bear.” We had them shot.

Honey, Baby, Sweetheart, Darling. We all know the standards. Then after they get to know each other, they may get into, Lover Doll, Sweety Pie, Pumpkin, Sugar Lips. Often these type of affectionate monikers are said with your mouth all scrunched up like a pig snout.

But things get a little out of control in the outer extremes of society—midwestern trailer parks or Beverly Hills—anywhere that's isolated from normal people with a modicum of good taste. Therein lies the topic of this list. Sick, nauseatingly saccharine, terminally cutesy, or even just berzerk pet names that make you want to just smack the living snot-lights out of someone. This list is in no particular order and I’m not about to try to determine which is “thee” absolute worst.

Warning; May cause nausea, dry heaves or diarrhea, do not read on a full stomach.

• Poopsy Doodles
• Schnookums
• Lover Bunny
• Pooky Bear
• Wittle Nookie Nuk-Nuks
• Kissy Kibbles
• Smoochy Buckets
• Fluff Bumps
• Kitten Pickles
• Pudgy Pops
• Oojy Coojy Woojy Moojy Poo-Poo
• Honey Bunny Buckles
• Cookie Pops
• Squeegee Cakes
• Silly Willy Jigabilly
• Puddin’ Knickers
• Monkey Chicklets
• Moo Moo Flops
• Snuggle Sausage
• Love Puddle
• Moushy Goushy Toushy
• Snoopy Snails
• Fuzzy Jujubear
• Lovecycles
• Booboo Bungalo
• Licky Stickypoo
• Chickadoodle Doo Doo
• Muffy Peckers
• Fudge Nuggets
• Juicy Pooper
• Creamy Jiggles
• Flubber Cheeks
• Puppy Puddles
• Bunny Scuppers
• Cuddle Chutney
• Moo Goo Guy Pan
• Mr. Binkle
• Squeaky Wiggles
• Coochie Custard
• Honey Bunches of Cuddle Muffins

If you or anyone you know addresses their little Pun'kin Pudd'n this way, even in the privacy of their home, please, do the world a favor and shoot them right away.

More About Pet Names

A pet name can come in handy if used tastefully. Many people use: “Baby” or “Honey” exclusively for their partner, especially when they’re in the habit of cheating on them, or simply have multiple partners. This avoids the embarrassing and often incriminating indiscretion of accidentally calling a person by the wrong name. Especially when they know the person whose name you call them...and she has really big tatas. Nearly impossible to weasel your way out of that one. But here’s an excuse I have used successfully;

“I’m sorry Jenny, it must be because Abdul just called recently and I happened to be thinking about him at that moment when I was having an orgasm.”

Of course parents are notorious for giving their kids silly nicknames. I once overheard an Arab mother calling her child “Pumpkin” in a thick middle-eastern accent. For some reason I was compelled to say, “Pumpkin? what an unusual name.” She turned to me and proudly replied, ”Ees Amehreecan neecknehme.” And I’ll never forget the middle aged, balding, Jewish man who, while swinging his baby in the park, had a momentary lapse and shouted in falsetto, “Who’s a cutey-pie macaroni head? Who’s a cutey-pie macaroni head?” Immediately realizing what he had done, he looked around hoping no one heard his outburst but, much to his chagrin, there I was grinning from ear to ear. I had no choice but to walk right over to him and slap him silly, after which he thanked me.

By Numby Wumby Bear...He’s so cute you just want to kiss him and hug him and cuddle him and...