Numbsain Speaks Frankly on
Raising Children



The First Day: it was excruciating but now the payoff
Bringing a beautiful newborn baby into the world is the stupidest decision a woman can make. But unfortunately, you've done it and there's no putting it back. Abortion is no longer an option and chances are, it's alive. It has feelings, needs, demands and it wasn't born yesterday (not yet anyway), it knows who's responsible. You are. It also knows that there are laws about not giving it what it wants and it will manipulate you accordingly. First thing you have to do is feed it. You panic because you have no idea how. The local market doesn't have Purina Baby Chow and it has no teeth anyway. Relax. No, you don't have to regurgitate predigested worms into its mouth. Just do what you do to shut any adult male up, whip out your funbags. There is no need to be coy about it and sexy strip tease moves are inappropriate. Just shove the tit into the brats mouth and your done...except now you have a thing hanging from your tit.

Crying: a cry for help disguised as crying
You've gotten past the first hurdle—now's the fun part. That unappreciative little bastard is crying incessantly. “Where did I go wrong?” you may ask. You're an idiot. You put stuff into your child, of course it's going to come back out, and smelling a lot worse. You probably wrapped it up in that new blanket you bought thinking it will keep your baby warm and cozy for years. Throw it away, it's got poop all over it because you forgot to diaper your child. So you put it in the bathroom and tell the disgusting thing to clean itself, for gods sake. Sorry! It can't, you have to. Children are an excellent source of poop, pee, drool, snot, vomit and noise. Get used to it. You'll have an abundance of these for the next few years.

The #@!*% Twos: @#%#^@&*
You haven't had a good nights sleep because of that miniature slave driver demanding something every ten minutes, but at least you can tell it off and it won't talk back. Sorry, that's over now too, along with all your other pleasures in life. It talks now. Not only that, it's incredibly stupid and chatters about the dumbest things all day long. It will repeat everything you say at the most inappropriate times, tell everyone all your secrets, and complain about everything you do. What's worse, it doesn't know what anything is and it will ask you a thousand questions, never understanding any answer you give. When it runs out of questions, it will sit there and ask “why?” until you say “Because I said so, Dammit!” And then it will ask, “why did you said so dammit, mommy?” But you still can't kill it.

Abuse & Neglect: when is it necessary?
Always. You will find it absolutely necessary to beat your child and leave it in the car with the windows rolled up just to maintain your own sanity. Unfortunately it will only make your child worse. If you kill it, you're in trouble, if you abuse it, you're in trouble and if you don't get caught, you will simply have to deal with your own homegrown co-dependent sociopath for the rest of your life. Yes, abusing and neglecting children only turns them into lifelong con artists. Because they were taught at an early age that their needs will not be met by simply asking, they will make a lifelong career out of conning, scamming, manipulating, coercing, tricking and duping others into doing what they want. And they will become experts at it. At best, abusing your child-monster will turn it into a liar, a cheater, a compulsive addict, and a social misfit. At worst, a felon, a psychopath or a serial killer. And they don't make scholastic achievement bumper stickers for those things.

School Days: a slight reprieve just to remind you what you've lost.
You've gotten this far and you've managed to refrain from doing any irreversible damage to your devil's spawn. Now, finally it gets better. You get to ship them off to school for 6 hours a day. Six glorious hours of peace and quiet, doing all the things you used to do. Like dating and flirting and getting laid. Only one little problem. You've gained 40 pounds and you look like shit. So you lower your standards and increase your opportunities. You go to the grocery store in a miniskirt with no panties and flash the bag boy until he gives you a two minute roll in the shopping cart. Then it's time to pick up your little Nazi from school. Maybe it had a good experience and did well in the educational system. The child will become judgmental and preachy with you or even turn you in to the police for something you had in your sock drawer. Or maybe it had a bad experience in school and you have to console and comfort the insolent pest, even convince it to go back tomorrow for more of the same.

Puberty: natures way of saying, “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha FUCK YOU!!!”
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, you realize that this unbearable hell that now comprises your life is nothing more than a supreme test. The job now is to desensitize yourself enough to cope with what seems like an endless downward spiral toward your slow torturous grueling death. Now you must compete with your child for the things you want. Except they are far better at getting those things than you are. They snatch them right out from under your nose and then taunt you with them. Not only that, they won't have a clue what to do with it once they've got it. So they'll just waste precious resources and nobody will get to screw the bag boy.


Your Child is an Adult: and pigs are flying out of my ass
Thank god it's over. You've raised your child and it's depleted you of every ounce of motivation, drive and strength you had. At least now you can start over from scratch. With your expectations lowered to about 5 percent of what you once hoped for in life, you now have the time and peace of mind to enjoy what little is left of your sorry existence. But wait! Something is terribly wrong! They haven't left! It seems you haven't done enough, haven't torn enough flesh from your body to be granted the right to shove this horrible mistake out the door for it to fend for itself. It's helpless and useless and it's clinging on to you for dear life! It's, and yours. You go to the closet for the shotgun feeling somehow comforted by the fact of finally having the resolve to do what you've been considering for all these years. You slowly raise the barrel to your mouth and in walks shithead. Your beloved offspring grabs the gun and after taking your entire life away from you, takes your death as well. You are now a walking zombie. You know nothing, you feel nothing, you say nothing. You return to the routine of everyday life, going through the motions mindlessly waiting for a terminal illness to mercifully end the abysmal doldrums.

Your Child is in its 30's: you've arrived at inner peace, who would have thunk it?
Well, the walking death that has been your life experience for the past ten years has seasoned you. Somehow from this whole sordid affair you've learned the supreme lesson of acceptance. A total letting go of the ego. Fear is no longer an issue because you've had the worst already. Now you look back and marvel at how easy it all could have been if you only knew then what you know now. The car stops, your child gets out of the drivers seat and politely walks around to the other side to let you out. The two of you walk hand in hand up to the large stone building and the doctor and a nurse escort you in to your ward where you will be monitored closely for any signs of enlightenment which, if detected, will be quickly squelched with medication. Sweet dreams.

By Numbsain...a guy who's been there and back and forgot his underpants

Brought to you by:
Johnsons Baby Oil...coldpressed, made from 100% organic babies.
Uglies Pull-Off Diaper...for kids who just never stop shitting themselves.
Baby-be-Gone...instant baby repellant spray

Bad Botany:
numbsain reviews phytoliterary phailures



Review: Growth in my Bloomers
With so many badly written books about botany on the market today, It's easy to write about the subject. That's why I write bad botanical literature reviews exclusively. Today I'll be puttering around the pages of a book by Dr. Phil A. Dendron best known for his groundbreaking work, "A Spry Sprout Sprung in Spring" in which he psychically channels the thoughts of a seedling throughout it's one inch journey to the surface of the "growing medium" which is what Dr. Dendron is often referred to as, (but his wife Rhoda Dendron just treats him like dirt!)

That was a little phyto-humor! My friends often tell me: "Manure too mulch! for peets sake, grow up!" Anyway, in Dr. Dendrons latest offering, "Growth in my Bloomers" the entire plant kingdom is broken down into four categories:

#1. Plants that have prickly stuff on them
#2. plants that are poisonous
#3. plants that are more than ten feet tall
#4. plants that bite.

By sub-grouping all plants into these four catagories you eliminate almost half of them thereby making the whole science of agrobotanophytovegetology a lot simpler to learn than it is to say. The author explains that one can, right off the bat, forget about category #3, plants that are more than ten feet tall, because it consists of only trees and they fall under the category of arborism which is covered in Dr. Dendrons book "An Act of Arborism." A sad story about the authors parents who were killed by a falling tree.

He then explains that category #2, plants that are poisonous, are not necessary to learn because they don't really work (which is why he had to resort to the falling tree). Which leaves categories 1 and 4, the latter of which consists of venus fly traps and have you ever felt the teeth on those things? They couldn't hurt a fly. So all you really need to know about are the following plants:

Stinging Nettles (Ouchus Sonovabitchium)
Tulips (Labia Tuovum)
Ugly Crocuses (Bloomania Tubaggerensis)
Pineapple Upside-Down Vine (Fruitus Bassakwardium)
Itching Irises (Eyecolorus Scratchis)
Dick Cactus (Prickelia Prickabonar)
Forget-me-lots (Remembrus Writemdownsis)
Umbrella Flowers (Rainidaseum smellus gudis)
Crotchless Pantybane (Secretus Victorialis)
Knishwort (Noshus Yiddensis)
Icky Sorrel (Grosselium Disgusticum)
Nasty Stershums (Nasturtius Yellowishus)
Grinchberries (Seusseus Stolchrismasum)
Prickpoke (Penetratus Ouchius)
Lacerated Lilac (Laceratus Fibnotium)
Asskissel (Brownosius Smoochum)
Not-so-niceweed (Sidewalkus Crackis Meanius)
Taserwillow (Zapus Arboretus)
Saul Paul Meadow Flower (Twoguyzum Inafeildus)

They're easy to learn by remembering the phrase spelled by the first letters of each. In summary, or in wintery, springery and fallery, I highly recommend this book for kindling or for paper training your doberman. (It's also available in paperback if you have a miniature doberman.) But if you're a garden variety gardener you'll find this book to be a leafspring of misinformation and a boon to the layman who wants to fail at gardening.

Review: The Solar Power Plant
Meg Nolia and Mary Gold collaborate on this thoroughly insipid waste of paper which explores the outer surface of a mind-numbingly vapid subject; the relationship between plant and sun.The 300 page book even includes excerpts of dialogue and cute quotes from the seedling itself: "I love you sun, I wish I could be close to you and snuggle with you.” “At five million degrees kelvin, I hope there are some rastafarians around to smoke your sorry ass you green moron.” Etc. The whole book is chock full of drivel like this and I keep it in my bathroom at all times. I'm almost finished with the book already since I had a bad case of the runs last week. It's high quality printing on 10 pound uncoated stock is perfect for tough clean-ups and the hard cover makes an excellent table leg shim.

So remember, when looking for a book on the subject, make sure they're about vegetables, not written by them. Check with my reviews column to help weed out the compost filler before you plunk down the lettuce. by numbsain

Numbsain is the world's foremost authority on bad writing and has been bad-rapping, lambasting, and providing harsh, non-constructive criticizm to bad writers for over 10 years.

ASK REV. NUMBSAIN
Advice for the Chronically Religious

Dear numbsain,
My husband and I are trying to have a child but we’ve been unsuccessful. We’re Amish and I think our strict rules about bedroom activities may be the reason Belyle isn’t getting, uh, in the mood. Normally we remain fully clothed but we wear special attire which allows that sort of thing. I was wondering if you had any ideas about how I could spice things up in the bedroom so Belyle can get more, well, ready.

Covered Head to Toe

Dear Head,
Your husband does not need you to spice things up to get an erection. The rules of your religion have worked for generations and there’s no reason to change them. Tell him to think of the glory of God. That should get him stiff as a rock. If not, you might try getting a strap-on and giving it to him in the apse before the eyes of god. Does your religion say anything about nipple clamps? Just a thought.

Dear numbsain,
I am a three time born again Christian and I have been using a lot of self help techniques and positive affirmations to stop feeling like such a worthless piece of trash but I’m so dense that it’s not working. I know this is a stupid question because my mom tells me I’ve always been stupid. I’m such an idiot for believing her, but my stupid question is, am I really just being a moron for trying to use self help when I’m obviously hopeless?

Not so bad really

Dear bad,
Try this positive affirmation; “I’m not a worthless piece of shit, I’m stupid for thinking I am” and just repeat that over and over until you get it through your thick skull. Just kidding! Okay here’s what you have to do. Get two pieces of wire and and stick one in each ear. Take the loose ends and insert them into a power outlet. This should wipe your brain clean. When you’re back to “mama,” then talk to me.

Dear numbsain,
We’re Jehovah’s witnesses and the other day we were going door to door proselytizing to strangers. One man opened the door and we went inside only to find that he was not wearing any trousers and standing at attention! I knew what was going to happen next so I rushed the children out the door and distracted the man while they escaped. I flung myself onto his bulging male member and pummeled it with my loins until it was unable to do any harm. Do you think I committed a sin? I was only thinking of the children.

Good Samaritan

Dear Samaritan,

That was you?! HA-hahahahaha Yeah! When you comin’ back baby? You were awesome!

Dear numbsain,
I was raised Mormon and Mormon is the best religion of all. We’re the most informed and the most intelligent. We even have our own book. So why am I a 45 year old virgin and I’ve never even seen my own vagina?

George the Mormon

Dear George the Moron,
The lord works in mysterious ways.

Dear numbsain,
My family is Catholic. People say Catholic women are promiscuous, slutty and get pregnant too young. That’s a stereotype and not all Catholic women are like that. I have a beautiful daughter who just had her Basmitsvah! I’m glad I didn’t make the same mistake my mother did having me when she was 14. I feel bad for my mom because now she’s 39 and she looks old.

Know Better

Dear No Better,
You blithering idiot, obviously you were not able to complete junior high due to pregnancy, otherwise you would know that you not only revealed to me that you had your child when you were 12, further evidence that Catholics are sluts, but also that you’re actually Jewish! Which means...Hey! O-o-o-oh, I get it. You think your slick, making an anti-Semitic statement to divert the attention off of Catholics.

Dear numbsain,
If a Seventh Day Adventist sang “Six Days on the Road” with Johnny Cash, but the bank put a Five Day Hold on a check over a Four Day Weekend, then he had Three Day Blinds shipped Second Day Air, how many One A Day multiple vitamins should he take?

Latter Day Saint

Dear Latter Days Ain’t,
Unless you’re Zero Mostel, blast off!

Dear numbsain,
What is the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?

Bobby (12 years old),

Dear Bobby,
Acne won't come on your face until your thirteen.


The Good Reverend Dr. Numbsain's Uplifting Sermons can be heard every Sunday at the Academy of Our Lord Father of the Holy Penetration of the Immaculate Vagina Academy. Late Night Bible Study & Massage Workshop at the Divine Mother Chorizo of the Crispy Genitals Ministry on Wheels. Every 7th Sunday at the Burning Bookmobile Traveling Snake-Oil Sermonette or Online at the I-vangelist Herpes Heal-A-Thon @ www.bareyoursorestogod.com or www.godorrhea.swollen.org

Top 40 Worst Pet Names
(nicknames couples give each other)

He calls her “Bunny Boo”, she calls him “Huggy Bear.” We had them shot.

Honey, Baby, Sweetheart, Darling. We all know the standards. Then after they get to know each other, they may get into, Lover Doll, Sweety Pie, Pumpkin, Sugar Lips. Often these type of affectionate monikers are said with your mouth all scrunched up like a pig snout.

But things get a little out of control in the outer extremes of society—midwestern trailer parks or Beverly Hills—anywhere that's isolated from normal people with a modicum of good taste. Therein lies the topic of this list. Sick, nauseatingly saccharine, terminally cutesy, or even just berzerk pet names that make you want to just smack the living snot-lights out of someone. This list is in no particular order and I’m not about to try to determine which is “thee” absolute worst.

Warning; May cause nausea, dry heaves or diarrhea, do not read on a full stomach.

• Poopsy Doodles
• Schnookums
• Lover Bunny
• Pooky Bear
• Wittle Nookie Nuk-Nuks
• Kissy Kibbles
• Smoochy Buckets
• Fluff Bumps
• Kitten Pickles
• Pudgy Pops
• Oojy Coojy Woojy Moojy Poo-Poo
• Honey Bunny Buckles
• Cookie Pops
• Squeegee Cakes
• Silly Willy Jigabilly
• Puddin’ Knickers
• Monkey Chicklets
• Moo Moo Flops
• Snuggle Sausage
• Love Puddle
• Moushy Goushy Toushy
• Snoopy Snails
• Fuzzy Jujubear
• Lovecycles
• Booboo Bungalo
• Licky Stickypoo
• Chickadoodle Doo Doo
• Muffy Peckers
• Fudge Nuggets
• Juicy Pooper
• Creamy Jiggles
• Flubber Cheeks
• Puppy Puddles
• Bunny Scuppers
• Cuddle Chutney
• Moo Goo Guy Pan
• Mr. Binkle
• Squeaky Wiggles
• Coochie Custard
• Honey Bunches of Cuddle Muffins

If you or anyone you know addresses their little Pun'kin Pudd'n this way, even in the privacy of their home, please, do the world a favor and shoot them right away.

More About Pet Names

A pet name can come in handy if used tastefully. Many people use: “Baby” or “Honey” exclusively for their partner, especially when they’re in the habit of cheating on them, or simply have multiple partners. This avoids the embarrassing and often incriminating indiscretion of accidentally calling a person by the wrong name. Especially when they know the person whose name you call them...and she has really big tatas. Nearly impossible to weasel your way out of that one. But here’s an excuse I have used successfully;

“I’m sorry Jenny, it must be because Abdul just called recently and I happened to be thinking about him at that moment when I was having an orgasm.”

Of course parents are notorious for giving their kids silly nicknames. I once overheard an Arab mother calling her child “Pumpkin” in a thick middle-eastern accent. For some reason I was compelled to say, “Pumpkin? what an unusual name.” She turned to me and proudly replied, ”Ees Amehreecan neecknehme.” And I’ll never forget the middle aged, balding, Jewish man who, while swinging his baby in the park, had a momentary lapse and shouted in falsetto, “Who’s a cutey-pie macaroni head? Who’s a cutey-pie macaroni head?” Immediately realizing what he had done, he looked around hoping no one heard his outburst but, much to his chagrin, there I was grinning from ear to ear. I had no choice but to walk right over to him and slap him silly, after which he thanked me.

By Numby Wumby Bear...He’s so cute you just want to kiss him and hug him and cuddle him and...

Fire Ball Cures Insanity!



Well I’ll be damp, Jenkins! Look over yonker, above those chi pops! am I skiing flings? What in the game of shell is that? It looks like a luge brawl of fryer in the spry but we’re not respecting any meat eater flowers, serpentine not one of this magnavox. Is that swing bedding closer? It looks like a vomit on a concision corpse for Mirth! If that thing tampax us, it’ll be defecating.

We’ve got to avert the sororities! Ejaculate the empire ariel of all pavillions. Winston and Churchill first! Pound the air maid scions. I’m gonna crawl the fleece. Jello fleece?, I’m out here at the Levels Most File and I’m seeing a one-eyed bonified frying omelette in the sty heading straight for perth. Have you guys snotted anything on your gaybar? This thing is pedantic. It’s got to be 3 smiles lacross. Wart?! Muffin?! You see Muffin?! That’s Insoluable! Are you sure your increments are perking? Well you should have them re salad grated cause I’m not lazy! This thing is mylantic and it’s dreading straight pourous. *Click*

Jenkins blare are you? We’ve god to get plowed of cheer. Let’s start smacking up all the queer, at least we can ply to get to my palm smelter before it compacts... Oh my prod!!! It’s hued! We’ll never surprise it! That fling'll sleeve a gator the size of Lexus! This is spit Jenkins! I never fold you this decor Jenkins, impact, I’ve never sold any fun rapport but I bite as hell smell you now: I’m, I’m DAISY!!!! ...hey where’d it go? holy shit it’s gone! I thought for sure we were all done for. How did a meteor that big just dissappear in thin air?

Jenkins?

JENKINS!?

Hey, wait a minute...Who the hell is Jenkins? And what am I doing out here?

by numbsain...or am I?

Memoirs of an Ex-Gigolo
“Older gals aren't as tight...with money.”
written by numbsain

Though a strapping young man, I was strapped for cash. I couldn’t make a decent living so I decided to make an indecent living. My dream was to be an escort...not drive one. I had a probe...but it needed a new transmission. There were a lot of lonely middle-aged matrons out there willing to fork over big bucks to get forked over and over by big bucks like me. They called me “Tootsie Roll” ‘cause I last a long time. While the money was good, It was always hard, but it wasn’t always easy.

Until I met Tina Fletcher. A sizzling hot MIPF (mother I’m paid to f*ck) that must have found the fountain of age defying cream ‘cause you’d swear she was 25 if she was a day, and 18 if she was a night. But her vintage put her at double that. Tina was freshly widowed and out of the dating loop, I met her in the parking lot of Gelson’s Market trying to get into her Ichipuzi drop-top. I whipped out my trusty slim jim which I kept concealed in my trousers, and had her on the road in under a minute flat. After negotiating a little palm grease of course.

She asked if she could see me later and I said no, I wasn’t leaving. She started making noises about it being “too soon” saying she ”wasn’t ready yet.” I told her, “Don’t worry babe, I need a few minutes to get it back up myself.” She said, “I mean, for a relationship.” I said, “Well it won’t be if you keep paying me.” She offered me an entry position with full perks. I said “Dental? Damn!” She produced one from her purse, admitting I was a little hard to swallow. Thus was the start of our torrid relationship but she soon became disenchanted with me—in and out every night—I insisted on keeping my job as a D.J. at a strip joint. She didn’t like my mixing with all those “floozies,” that dated her—nobody says “floozies” anymore. I told her the floozies wouldn’t stop dating her just ‘cause I’m spinning the vinyl. Besides those floozies like my dance mixes and if I shine, that’s a reflection on her.

The relationship finally ended with her, after three whole months, breaking all my records. Which was really mean ‘cause she knew I couldn’t replace my vinyl collection. So the jig was up and the gigolo was down. I got laid off the clock one last time. Soon the only thing mounting was my bills, I wasn’t about to get any more behind from her, so I took matters into my own hands. I was used to getting jerked around by women and I hated having to do it myself. It wasn’t long before I resigned myself to the fact that I was just going to have to eat it. So I started plugging away. I built up my clientelle, made ‘em feel special, and now I kinda like my women not as tight...with money. It’s still always hard, but only because of Viagra.

by numbsain, not about numbsain, nor is that guy numbsains thing...numbsain needs dinner and a movie first.

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Top Eighteen Worst Pet Fish Names


Always have your fishes name silkscreened on in case he gets lost or stolen.
This helps police identify him when you file a missing fish report.

Goldmind’s Unwind is famous the world over for having the best worst names lists and pets are our specialty. But we received many complaints from fish lovers (Ichtheofeliacs) that we had not done fish (and neither should you). In response we’ve compiled this list. But just one question; How do you love a fish? Do you take it out of the tank and pet it? How does one cuddle fish? Do you sit with your fish on your lap and stroke it gently saying “Who's my good fish? Yesh you are, Yesh you are.” as it stares blankly at you gasping for water. You people are strange. Here’s the list, now put the damn thing back in the water before somebody calls the SPCF (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Fish).

18. Tidy Bowl
17. Rover
16.Gilda
15.Deepsea Doodle
14. Chum
13. Anne Chips
12. Chicken of the Tank
11. Fresh Sushi
10. Fillet O.
9. Gillbert Finney
8. Glub Glub
7. Badunkadunk
6. Morton Drowney Jr.
5. Bob Waters
4. Floater
3. Flushy
2. Demi Moist
1. Amy Fisher

I suppose you have a sign on your door that says; “BEWARE OF FISH!” If you’re blind, do you go swimming with a seeing eye fish? Personally, I think they should have fish lakes where singles can take their fish out for swimmies and meet each other. By the way, my Bubbles has been kind of depressed lately. He won't even fetch my flippers when I come home. Can anyone recommend a good fish therapist?

Why Fish Never Get Bored


by numbsain...he doesn't sleep with the fishes.

Onedownsmanship
with Gus and Phil



Phil: Mornin’ Gus.

Gus: Mornin’ Phil.

Phil: What's it feel like to be your own ancestor?

Gus: You can tell a man’s age by countin' the rings around his eyes.

Phil: Ain't ya' get any shut eye?

Gus: Who can sleep with all that racket? Damn fool kids got one them new fangled video games. Hootin’ and hollerin’ like coyotes after a kill. Shoot, back in my day, we had real games like battleships or tiddlywinks. Kept us happy for hours and din’t use a watt o’ ‘lectricity. Now we knew what fun was.

Phil: Hell, when I was just a sprout, we never had all that. Game o' stick-ball was as much fun as a boy could have on a Saturday off. We’d get ourselves a high bouncer from the five and dime, find an old broom handle an’ we was in heaven. Exercise, skill, and it got us out o’ that rundown one bedroom flat the eight of us shared.

Gus: Stick-ball eh? Y'all musta been from the rich neighborhood. Shoot, we ain’t had none o’ that. Back in my day, we played dodge-rock. Only had one rock in the whole damn town so we had to share it. Course the whole town could prob’ly fit inside your fancy one bedroom. Fourteen of us lived in a piano crate with a hole cut in it. I remember one Christmas mama stole us a chicken. I can still taste that yardbird.

Phil: Oohwee! Y’all had chicken? Sounds like you was spoiled boy. My twenty three siblings and I once nearly died walkin’ 20 feet to the edge of the dirt pile we lived on just to catch a look at a real farmhouse. Heard they had a chicken but I’ll be damned if we ever saw it. When I was five I did my family proud and caught me a juicy rat. We ate for weeks. I was the youngest so Mama sewed a little pair of shorts for me outta the pelt. Only reason I survived was on account of a scrap o’ meat I found in them shorts. I think mama left it for me on purpose. Least I think it was meat.

Gus: Oh, we didn’t have the luxury of a cozy dirt pile to come home to. Shoot, a hundred and eleven of us made do in a rolled up piece o’ newspaper in the middle of the road. Ain’t et my first meal until I was eighteen years old. Yup, it was my own foot. Mama used to slice it real thin and make us sandwiches between two black gum wads. That was iffin we could scrape ‘em off the side walk. Lasted us twenty years.

Phil: Y'all had foot n' gumwad sandwiches? Oowhee! My clan o' three-hunnert woulda killed fer a bite o' real food. We chewed on our fingernails fer nutrition. lived inside a candy wrapper in a dumpster. We couldn't even afford air to breathe so we had to pass the one breath around. You folks had it good.

Gus: What the hell are you talkin’ about Phil? That’s ridiculous! Shut up!


by numbsain...back in my day we couldn't afford my day.

HOW TO HANDLE THE BROADS
(no pun intended)

by Numbsain—The Worlds Leading Authority on Putting Up with Chicks

This broad is finding out what it's like to be a guy.

Part 1—That Time of the Month ••• • ••
First of all, you ain't gonna get away without a fight so don't even try. It'll just piss 'em off more. So what ya gotta do is, tick 'em off a little, a few of times a day. That way they don't build it up and then explode all over your ass for some crap you didn't do, like sleep with another chick.

Leave a dirty sock in the refrigerator, pee in the clothes hamper, grope her mom's ass, little stuff. Slam the door in her face, maybe drop a carton of eggs. I personally like to spank the cat right in front of her, cause that doesn't hurt anybody and she can get all uppity about it. Driving like a maniac is good too. But never really bad stuff because then you gotta deal with it. Like one time I set all her clothes on fire and that was bad cause she was wearing them.

The other thing is, if they seem to be getting all PMS'd out, don't say: "Damn baby, you must be on the rag." Trust me, I've been doing it for years and it backfires on me every time. I even tried saying it nice, like: "It's okay honey your probably just on the rag." or I try to break it to 'em gently like: "I see your chewing me a new asshole, say listen I was just going to the market. Want I should pick you up some maxi pads while I'm there?" They're too smart for that. Don't start making a little bed for yourself on the couch either. But the worst "for paw" you can make when a chick is on the rag is to say "I love you." I tried that once and you know what she said to me? She said: "Why?" Boy, was I screwed.

Part 2—Holidays (Especially Valentimes Day)

Okay, your gonna forget so the best thing you can do is, around January start thinking of a good excuse. Don't end up like me, I had to total the car cause I didn't have an excuse ready. Good excuses are: I got fired, I had amnesia, I spent all the money on something and it didn't get delivered on time. Then you gotta get a friend to dress up like a delivery guy the next day and that can get expensive. Don't try the following: Don't say "what did you get me?" or “C'mon baby, we don't have to do that stuff anymore.“ You say that and you won't be doin' a lot of stuff anymore.

Part 3—Cheeting, The Big Myth Misspelled

You know when your woman is cheating when she suddenly starts being nice to you for no reason. If your not sure, you can be damn sure by going out and getting a little extra correctular action yourself. Bring her home with you even and let your chick catch you in bed with her. If she say's “Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't know you were home honey," shuts the door and leaves after putting two TV dinners out to thaw for you and your date, she's cheatin'.

Or you may catch her in bed with someone. If you do, she's definitely cheating on you. But the big myth is, that cheating is a bad thing. It's actually a good thing because it means you can do whatever you want now. The truth is, cheating always has a good outcome. If she's doing it, she's not interested in pleasing you anymore so you don't want her. Move on. If you're doing it, you don't want her. Move on. You always gotta keep it fresh, recycle chicks, don't get stuck with the same one for too long, cause she'll get old on you. You don't want to end up with some old chick. And don't ever tell a chick you love her. She'll get old and mean in a heartbeat. Keep 'em guessing, keep 'em fresh and keep 'em sore.
By that I mean boff 'em till they burn. She should walk funny afterwards if you do it right. Then you know she can't say shit to you and you are the man!

Part 4—Escape Route

Don't never get into a situation where you're chick is mad and you can't get away clean. They have no scrooples, they'll call the heat on you, they'll scream rape, they'll trash your car, anything. The minute you see her head for the tires with a knife, run her down. If you can't hit her, floor it. She can't puncture your tires while they're spinning. When you go to her house, back into the parking space, hide the key under the car where you can get it fast. Sleep with your clothes on, and don't bring your wallet. Don't do nothin' she can turn you in for. Broads are like a carton of milk with no 'sell by' date on it, you never know when she'll turn on you.

By numbsain...2345 dates to date and counting, in other words, I know of what I speak

Practice Makes Imperfect

The year is 6035. Humankind has transcended the corporeal form, synthesized down to the essential life force or “soul.” Unencumbered by physical mass, existing in an astral plane, having evolved to a state of pure consciousness, the light beings are as close to perfection as a life form can be. And wouldn't you know it, turns out perfection sucks.

Mulligan: Zzt zzzz (crackle) zzt (Fsst!) zzzzzzt-zt z-zzt zt...

Zenithbaum: Leave them alone.

Mulligan: Zzzt (crack-ackle) Why? Zzzt...

Zenithbaum: Because it just seems wrong.

Mulligan: Wrong? Have we regressed to an earlier stage of evolution? Are we back to the moral judgments of right and wrong?

Zenithbaum: Of course not, but focusing ones convector beam for the purpose of incinerating cockroaches just doesn't "feel" like the best use of our time.

Mulligan: I hate the bastards and they're really getting out of control zzzt! Die suckers!

Zenithbaum: They are to be the inheritors of the planet, the direct result of our deeds. In essence we created them.

Mulligan: No, we did not create cockroaches they were here long before us.

Zenithbaum: Yes but they were not 3 meters long, that was our doing. All because someone's direct ancestors had to continue fighting a war even after there were no soldiers with which to fight.

Mulligan: Well if someone's direct ancestors hadn't started the war in the first place...

Zenithbaum: We started it? That's a steaming' loaf of horse flop, we didn't start a damn thing...

Mulligan: Did too!

Zenithbaum: Did not!

Mulligan: Did too!

Zenithbaum: Did not!

Mulligan: Did too!

Zenithbaum: RESET!

Mulligan: Yes I concur. There is very little potential to expand the emotional gamut once the "did not, did too" rally commences. Perhaps your superlatives were too damning and did not allow a counter argument to develop.

Zenithbaum: Ah! Quite right, I was overzealous and, as they say, blew my wad too soon.

Mulligan: Quite understandable given the appeal of the reward...

Maternal pregen: interjection request, guardian override. Have you two almost completed your psycho-emotional regenerative sequence?

Zenithbaum: Very nearly. I feel we would benefit from one more cycle.

Mulligan: Yes, we have identified a technical obstacle which, if avoided, will allow us to exceed our previous cycle considerably. If we may

Maternal pregen: Granted. You may consume fifteen additional units.

Mulligan: Perfect. Would you prefer to be the antagonist and commit the initial aberrant behavior this time, Zenithbaum?

Zenithbaum: Certainly. Zzzt zzt Snap, crack zzztzzzzzzts...

Mulligan: Desist please!....

Zenithbaum: Zzzt Cracak-crackle zzt zzzzt. Oh, Must I?...


by numbsain...“the future, coming soon”

Brought to you by:
Planned Obsolescence Laboratories...We make bad things happen!

Top 25 Worst Pet Bird Names


Extremely rare case of interconjoined species. Clearly neither like it.
better pet supervision could have prevented this tragedy.

We’ve searched the world over to find the silliest, stupidest, most ridiculous ornithoid monikers, avian appelations and titmouse titles. We're just jealous because they can fly and we can't.

25. Flap jack
24. Parroty
23. Koo-Koo Rooster
22. Brock
21. Coop DeBill
20. Mo Zam Beek
19. Nestor
18. Macawesome
17. Cheepskate
16. Fowl Mouth
15. Beek of the Devil
14. Eggbird
13. Cheep Date
12. Peckerwood
11. Birdenand the Fool
10. Claire the Loon
9. Twicker Tweet
8. Swoopy Sails
7. Mack Nuggets
6. Flippin’ (the bird)
5. Chickenshit
4. Hot Wings
3. Eggs Ackley
2. Perch-ass
1. Lark Skywooker

Bird Names That We Were Forbidden to Publish
These were the names that we were told we could not publish due to their similarity to famous people’s names. Apparently this constitutes defamation of character although I don't think the birds mind being associated with these celebrities so why should they? When we assured their agents it was purely coincidental, they responded with a lot of hostility and fowl language. So the following is a complete list of the bird names we were not allowed to include...oops!
39. Carol Dodo
38. Lauren Buck-Buck-Bacall
37. Macaw Lee Caulken
36. Sheryl Crow
35. Bird Reynolds
34. Nickle-less Caged
33. Flap Wilson
32. Robin Whooperwilliams
31. Terri Hatcher
30. Robert Dove-all
29. Piper Lorikeet
28. Feather Lockleer
27. Damn Quail
26. Gregory Pecked

A tender moment
between birds can
often lead to name
calling.




Funniest Things Ever Said by Talking Birds—True Stories
Back in the 70’s I knew a fellow who smoked marijuana incessantly. The only reason I knew this was because he owned an African Grey who had frequent coughing fits, though I don’t think the bird had lung disease. He did have a habit of repeating the things he heard most often. His vocal repertoire often included:

“F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-t...(cough, cough, cough)...‘ere.” “Good shit!” “Shut up you stupid bird!”

If you have a funny bird quote please email us. Or simply flip us the bird.

(far right: This horrible child named her bird “Cutie Pie.” Both had to be put to sleep.)

By Numbsain...He is the wind beneath your wings

Womens Sexual Compatibility Survey



Ladies! Complete this survey to see if you are eligible to win an exciting, romantic weekend with the fabulous, fun-filled Numbsain himself!

1. Your partner brings a friend home and suggests the three of you play a little game together. Do you...

a. Strip and shout, “Last one in’s a rotten egg!”
b. Tell him if that's what he wants, he's going to have to subdue you, tie you to a tree in the backyard, blindfolded and gagged and take you by force. Then go get the rope.
c. Throw them both out and tell them don’t come back until they have at least five more guys and they’re all wearing hard hats.
d. Get out the monopoly board and call, “Shoe!”

2. You’ve had a long day and you’re exhausted. Your partner starts pawing and kissing you all over. Do you...

a. Tell him to back off, you get enough of that at work.
b. Mace him.
c. Get so into it that a half hour later you realize you’re still in the driveway, the neighbors are watching and your car keys are imbedded into his backside.
d. Fend him off with a silver crucifix. Go in the bedroom, lock the door and masturbate with a porcelain statuette of the Virgin Mary while sobbing your eyes out.

3. You wake up to find your man fast asleep with a nocturnal stiffy. Do you...

a. Start flicking it with your finger and laughing.
b. Paint a face on it and dress it up in doll clothes.
c. Tie a string to it, dip the string in honey and hang it out the window near an ant hill.
d. Ride it until dawn shouting, “Yippeee!”

4. You’re stuck in a traffic jam and you see a cute guy in the car next to you. Do you...

a. Wink, blow him a kiss and then floor it, smashing into the car in front of you.
b. Get naked and play tiddly winks yourself to orgasm while everyone watches.
c. Grab the “club” off the floor and deep throat it for his viewing pleasure.
d. Hold up the sign you keep in your car with your phone number on it in large bold type.

5. You try something kinky to spice things up a bit, but your partners reaction is less than enthusiastic. Do you...

a. Remove the “Undulator 800” from his rear and apologize for being so forward.
b. Tell Pavel, the Bulgarian bodybuilder that you won’t be needing his services tonight.
c. Take off the Snow White costume, tell the dwarfs to stop singing, “Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go,” put their tights back on and wait in the living room.
d. Slow down to sixty eight mph because at sixty nine he almost ate it.

6. What turns you on more...

a. Playing paddle ball in booty shorts and a tube top.
b. Going out for a happy meal, then coming home and playing in the sprinkler.
c. Having your top fall off while riding “Gold Rusher” at Magic Mountain.
d. Being hog tied and gang banged by Mariachi band in front of a crowd in Juarez, Mexico.

7. Which type of man has the best chance of getting lucky with you...

a. Any man in uniform as long as it doesn’t say “RotoRooter” or “Orkin” on the pocket.
b. A short, greasy Italian with a glass eye and a nasty temper.
c. A burly, bearded, beer-drinking, flannel shirt wearing lumberjack named Cynthia.
d. The type that has a pulse.

8. What’s your favorite sexual memento...

a. The severed penis of your deceased ex, preserved in formaldehyde.
b. A pair of skid-marked tighty-whities from your high school crush.
c. A dog biscuit.
d. A set of your grandmothers antique doilies with cum stains on them

9. If you really liked a guy but saw he had a one inch penis. Would you...

a. Tell him you’ve never seen a bigger one...(inch penis that is).
b. Mock him mercilessly and send him away.
c. Compliment him on his gorgeous scrotum.
d. Give him an appropriately reduced rate.

10. Which best describes how you see yourself in bed

a. A sexual dynamo who can outdo any woman in all areas of pleasure giving and receiving.
b. A domineering slave driver, demanding to be serviced incessantly without ever reciprocating.
c. A passive, subservient submissive plaything with no will of her own who’ll do whatever she's asked without ever questioning her master.
d. A crazed, maniacal, jungle girl who usually leaves her partner maimed for life.

If you chose any of the answers, congratulations! You win a luxurious, all-expenses-paid-by-you weekend at your home with Numbsain!! You can have your way with him or just put him on a leash in the backyard, either way, he’s all yours!! Just email you’re name and address to Goldmind’s Unwind along with the results of your survey and we’ll tell you where to pick him up. He’s already had his shots and he’s been flea dipped and declawed!!!

disclaimer: Goldminds unwind is not responsible for any losses, damage to furniture or personal injury you may suffer as a result of letting Numbsain into your home. This offer good anywhere in the world, not void where prohibited. Use of numbsain does not constitute prostitution or slavery and no limitations apply on keeping him forever.

by Numbsain...Hey, it never hurts to try...well, maybe sometimes it hurts.

Top 9 Most Evil
Rulers of the Universe
Relative Destructiveness of Evil Rulers Chart

Shows comparison between most evil rulers in universe and our evil ruler.

You probably thought Gee Double-Ewe B*sh was going to be at the top of the list, but we’ve got some rulers here that make pinhead, limp-Dick and the whole illumi-naughty gang look like a bunch of two-bit, piss-uncle, penny-aunty, limp-wit, rinky-dink, stick wavers puffing up their hairless chests like school yard bullies. Make no mistake, these misanthropes are plenty evil enough to kill us all, but in terms of the whole universe? ...Sheeit.

#9. Almighty Dominator,
Axmurdoor Squeltch,
The mansquasher of Volumnox 12
His massive appendages are capable of crushing whole colonies of indigenous inhabitants of the planet Volumnox 12, with one devastating blow. And he’s got twelve of them, so we’re talking a lot of destruction here. He's also a butt-ugly sucker but that's no excuse.

#8. Exlaxothon Bllaargh,
Ingestor of Xykron, Defecator of Norkyx
Known to enemies as “The Consuminator” His massive gaping maw has a 12,000 ton capacity and his voracious consumption of all matter on his home planet will render his entire world shit within 10 to 12 years. He must then seek another world to ingest and Earth is the closest in range.

#7. Master of Cereblitese,
DeChevron Supreme (with Tekron)
Unbeknownst to the leaders of our world, he once considered consuming every drop of crude oil on Earth but Tekron talked him out of it because it would have been “Just enough to make him mad” and moved on to larger planets, thus saving the Earth from evolving into a perfect utopian society with no one resource that could be hoarded by evil forces and used to dominate all other inhabitants.

#6. Photosynthesizer,
Phytonomo Blooom,
Dictator and Tormenter of Vegetalis 5
This botanicorporeal life form has engulfed ninety percent of this massive green planet in its first 2 years of its existence. This garden salad of destruction threatens to destroy the known universe by flooding the emptiness of space with oxygen within his expected life span. This would cause the entire universe to become one huge firestorm destroying everything forever.

#5. Bogswich Clobbersmewkel Melcor-Phlarrynx
A Free agent terrorist who operates alone with no affiliate factions, yet manages to wreak havoc upon whole quadrants of space without ever being detected. His McGyver-like tactics are so cleverly thought out that, even as a solo act, he poses a real threat to the universe and our whole way of life, even as we speak.

#4. Cataclismycist, Garglax,
The Disruptive Abomination of Zenohelk
Probably the biggest asshole in the universe, this intergalactic bastard fouls up whole sectors of space just for sport, just for the hell of it, just because he damn well feels like it. “Oh Gee I think I’ll go incinerate 2 billion square light years of heavily populated space today.” Like it’s nothing. What an obnoxious little phlegm-ball.

#3. Intimidator General,
Splattermucous, Pukestupid,
Master Bumbling Fool and
Supreme Simpleton of Sector Seven
So utterly stupid is this so-called ruler, that he somehow gets himself wedged into a perfectly peaceful star-system and tramples everything in sight until whole civilizations are brought to their knees and have to comply with his unimaginably insipid demands. For example: He forced the Gentilectuals of Sedatoria to pureé all their women so he could guzzle them like a smoothie. Of course, they’re extinct now. Pukestupid uses the same principles of rulership as Bush, but on a much larger scale.

#2. Electrical-Torture King
Zapcrotch Chasmgrave
A morbidly sadistic ruler who takes pleasure in slowly chipping away at his victims in the most painfully drawn out and excruciatingly sadistic manner imaginable. There isn’t a soul in his sector of space that wouldn’t give his left testicle to see this scumsucker get a taste of his own medicine. Worlds cringe at the very thought of his evil-doing and if he ever decides to attack earth...Oh my god! Forget it. To be dead meat would be a blessing.

#1. Skeletruncheon Vääst
“the Galaxy Snacker”
Mindcrusher, Fearlord of Gargantua
So feared is this interstellar malevolence that no life form has ever come within ten thousand light years of his domain and had a relative, or even casual acquaintance, live to tell about it. Entire galaxies get caught in his teeth after he eats and the only reason the human race still exists is because we wouldn’t even be a threat to one of his eyelash mites!

Numbsain, Inc....where ever peculiar people copulate

Rob Thomas at Spaggio’s
“Hungry No More”


I don't want to ar-gue with you no more

I don't want to have to pay for this,

I'm not ev-en hun-gry a-ny-more.

I think I'm get-ting heart-burn from this shit


Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh,

Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh-oh-oh-oh

Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh,

Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, Ka-BAA-A-ARFFF!!


That stu-pid wai-ter gave me a dirt-y fork,

This has ham in it, I don't eat pork,

I don't want to have to pay for this,

I swear I'm not gon-na eat here an-y-more.


Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh,

Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh-oh-oh-oh

Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh,

Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, Wuh-oh, *urp* HURRALPHHH!!