Numbsayings
A collection of adages and maxims, mottos and aphorisms, dictums and epigrams, apothegms and truisms. Time honored advice from the sage that's all the rage, the uncouth Mayor Soothe Sayer. Everyone of these paraphrasable platitudes have come to me in a moment of profound epiphany when the haze of drugs and cheap women suddenly cleared and yours truly found himself standing face to face with the source of all wisdom (no it was not a mirror, but thank you) God himself. Well, you call him God, I call him at the office.

“Thank you for callin’ Heaven, This is Shirley speakin’ how may I direct your call?”
“Shirley baby, put me through to the cheif would you darlin’”
“Please hold.”
“You're an angel Shirl’”
“Sir it's that annoying Mr. Numbsain shall I tell him your in a meeting?”
“Surely Shirley, and tell him, A holy son carries no cross.
“Yes sir…Hello thank you for holding. Mr. Numbsain, he says, ‘a hole in one rather than floss.’”
“Thank you toots.”

The Best of Numbsayings:

Slime flies when you eat and run.

It's not the size of the man, it's the size of his dick.

You can't make a sick person shout in a cows ear.

If the birds don't do the bees, why, fly again.

He who barks at cars farts in bars.

Girls don't gum meatballs, grandpa does.

The longer the wait, the waiter is long.

If the shit moos, eat it.

Father throws farther.

Two penny crooks boil the sloth.

Shirley's not dead, Shirley can't die, tell Laverne, Lenny, Squiggy: don't cry.

A wise man sells beer, a wiser man drinks beer, the wisest man pisses beer.

It's far better to have salad tossed than to toss your salad afar.

You can take the kid out of the country, but you can't take her kidneys out through her cunt.

Don't work hard, smirk honk.

The war kills those who kill themselves.

A doctor a day keeps the dollar away.

Schtup your monkey with your mouse ears.

People who sit on crass couches shouldn't bone hos.

A penny kiestered is a penny shoved up your ass.

If you can't take the meat, don't rape the midget.

He who's half crab, grabs Ralph.

Scanectity is the anal of retention.

You can't make me vomit without taking a few meds.

To hume is arid.

The only thing you have to wear is hair itself.

Funny is the mute of boll weevils.

kick cats, dry hump and leave the wood where it warps.

Don't count your chickens before they're mashed.

You're only as old as the hills.

By numbsain

I Wanted a Bag of Food


I went out last night for a bag of food. I didn't want to buy food on a plate because someone would have to ask me what I wanted, go get it and then bring it to me. Then while I was eating it they would come over and ask me a stupid question and I'd have to answer with my mouth full. They would make me pay for the food plus give them money for doing all that stuff and I couldn't afford all that. So I just wanted a bag of food.

I went to a place where they had food in bags but they weren't home. I could see the bag of food I wanted but I couldn't get to it because there was glass between me and the food. A furry thing ran by but i couldn't catch it because it ran too fast. It was like a bag of food but it was a fast bag and I wanted food that stayed still and let me eat it.

I got back in my car and drove it on a road that had other places with bags of food along the sides of it. I saw one with a person inside so I made my car go there. I stopped just before I crashed into it in a place with lines on either side of a place the size of my car. I got out and walked the rest of the way to the place with bags of food and someone home. I pulled on the glass that moved so I could get the bag of food but it didn't move anymore. I think it stops moving after it gets dark because there are more bad people around when its dark and I guess bad people take too many bags of food or something.

The person home made a gesture with his hands while looking at me. I guess that means the gesture is telling me something I'm supposed to understand. The glass was too thick for him to talk to me through and he wanted to talk to me so I went closer to him and he moved his head in a funny way. I did the same thing but he just did it again so I saw where this was going. I just said, “I want a bag of food.” He had lots of bags but he was smart and picked one for me. Then he came back and told me, “one oh ate” I said that's okay as long as there was still some in there for me. Then he just stood there looking at me and not giving me the bag.

After a while I remembered he probably wanted money. So I got some out of my pocket and he opened the drawer in front of me from inside. I knew he wanted me to put the money in it so I did. He looked at the money and said, “ate more sense.” I agreed but he just stood there. A furry thing ran by and I thought about it but it was kind of fast and I wasn't sure if I would like it so I thought, maybe he wants more money. I reached into my pocket and all I had was eight pennies. I put them all in the drawer and he gave me the bag of food. As I was about to leave he said something really strange, “Thank you come again.” I said, “I'll see, but I have to have a reason otherwise I won't.” He was already walking away.
I got in my car and started to eat the food in the bag. It was crunchy and salty but it was food so I ate it all. I didn't know what to do with the bag though. It was pretty and had lots of pictures on it so I went back over to the guy and told him to open the drawer again. When he did I gave him the bag back. It was a nice bag.

But for some reason he got mad at me and pointed his finger up and showed it to me. It was a finger so what. I showed him mine and then it got really weird. I think he said he wanted to make love to me and he thought I was his pal. People are so unpredictable sometimes.

I got back in my car and made it go toward my house. The whole time while I was turning the thing and pushing the peddles I kept thinking about the bag of food. I wished I still had it. Not the bag but the food inside. Then it hit me. It wasn't enough food. I didn't know what to do. I saw a truck with pictures on the outside of it. The pictures looked familiar, I wanted the things that the pictures were of. I pulled in front of the truck and then made my car stop quickly by stepping on that thing down there. I wanted those pictures! The driver got out and said, “Peen chay pen day ho ess too pid oh are jew kray see.” I didn't understand what he said so I said, “No ah blah ann glace,” which I didn't understand either but it worked for a guy who did that to me once.

Anyway the guy with the truck looked very confused and angry so I pointed to the picture I wanted and gave him a hundred dollar bill. He went in the truck and gave me the thing that looked like the picture and I took it and opened it and sure enough, it was what I wanted! An ice cream bar! I walked back to my car. As I made my car go away from there, I saw the guy in the truck, and I noticed he had a lot of golden teeth. He was waving to me like he liked me now. It's funny how people change…CHANGE! Suddenly I realized what I forgot!

I made my car go back and I caught up to him. I pressed the button on the door so the glass went away and said what my brother told me to say to the guy who drove a truck like that when I was a kid, “Grassy ass, seen your ass cream man!” he said, “Tay nod ah meese tore low ko green go.”

by numbsain...I'm part spanish so I can stereo kype, I mean type.

Don't forget if you don't vote for Obama you might as well shoot your own genitals off.

PALINdrome: Live Evil


McCain's little token dickless Mooselini took a swipe at crime when she banned the “Rapist #1” Action Figure and streamlined the process of post-rape abuse by making rape victims not only have to carry their rapist’s babies to term, but also pay for their own“rape kits.” Here are some of the kinds of quotes we'll be hearing from stupidest candidate for vice president since…come to think of it, she's the stupidest.

“If God had meant there to be abortions he would have given my mother one.”

“There are no rapists in Alaska, It's polar bears that're doin' our gals!”

“I want to be Vice President so I can have a nuculer weapon; I can hit Russia from my house.”

Palin to new mother rape victim: “Oh look, he has his father’s criminal record!”

Palin to Gays: “What’s wrong with my butthole?”

Palin to teens: “You will abstain! Or you'll end up over my fireplace too.”

Palin to her daughter: “If you get an abortion, I’m getting one too!
I don’t care if it’s a little late.”

“Clubbing baby seals is Gods work”

“If Dick wants to shoot somebody in the face, we gots mooses”

And now for some actual (believe it or not) Palin quotes:

“As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?”

“Pray for our military men and women who are striving to do what is right. Also, for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending soldiers out on a task that is from God. That's what we have to make sure that we're praying for, that there is a plan and that that plan is God's plan.”

SARAH PALIN IS A M.I.L.K

by numbsain...for you palin supporters: the “K” stands for kill...(you blithering idiot)

Those Strange Americans
The Burps learn about hot things

Good afternoon, I’m James McQuivvers and welcome to Those Strange Americans.
Today we’ll be talking with the Burps of Crotch River Arkansas who have only just recently discovered hot things. Now Mr. Burp were you not the first to discover the phenomenon of hot things?
Mr. Burp: Nehw.
J.Q.: I’m sorry I was told that it was you who first—
Mr B.: Naw, were’nt me. Ah ain’t discovered no fuhmomanon, it were hawt thangs. Ya see, ah was in the kitchuhn and maw was cookin up a big ol’ pot o’ hawg giblets so I went right awn over thar an’ stuck mah fanger in it.
J.Q.: And what did you feel?
Mr. B.: Hungry.
J.Q.: Yes but after you put your finger into the boiling pot what was the sensation in your finger?
Mr. B: Nothin’
BillyBob Burp: Hyik Hyik Hyik Gawl dang paw tell the man whut ya feeled! Hyik Hyik Hyuk he ain’t gawn tell ya.
J.Q.: Why won’t he tell me?
BB.B.: Cuz he’s Stewpid. But lemme tell ya he shore nuff feeled sumpin cuz he jes stood thar a hollerin’ lak a hound dawg in a bear trap, ooohWHEEE!
J.Q.: And why did he not remove his finger from the pot?
BB.B.: Cuz he’s plum STEWPID!
JennyMay Burp: Ah ah ah ah ah tol’ him ta take it out. Ah did.
J.Q.: That was very good JennyMay. You saw your father was in pain and you told him to take his finger out of the pot?
JM.B: Nehw.
J.Q.: But I thought you said—
JM.B.: Nuh-uh, ah tol’ him cuz ah wuz ahurtin’
J.Q.: You mean you empathized, you felt your fathers pain.
JM.B.: Nehw, ah feeled MAH own pu-ayn cuz cuz cuz he done sticked heez corn cawb raht up mah pooky.
J.Q.: Oh my! Ahem well we’re supposed to be discussing things that are hot, JennyMay.
JM.B.: Well ah thunk it wuz plum disgustin’ but when they wartched the video awn the TV down at Gus’s Liquor Barn them folk thunk it was hawt.
J.Q.: If we may stay on the subject. So your father just stood there with his finger in the pot? What happened next?
BB.B.: Wayll ah done had to go awn over thar an heylp ‘eem. Cuz ah ain’t wanna seen ‘eem suffer lahk that.
J.Q.: So you removed his finger from the pot?
BB.B.: Nehw. I hit ‘eem wiff a eye-ron skillet over the hay-ed.
J.Q.: Oh dear wasn’t that a bit cruel to knock him unconscious like that?
BB.B.: Nehw. I ain’t hit ‘eem hard nuff ta knock ‘eem uncronchiss. Jus hard nuff so he put ‘eez hay-unds awn ‘eez hay-ed.
J.Q.: Well of course to protect his head.
BB.B.: Got ‘eez fanger outta the pot.
J.Q.: So did you all realize at that point that a boiling pot is hot?
Jimbo: Nehw. We ain’t buhlieved ‘eem.
J.Q.: So what did you do?
Jimbo: Wayll ah done wint over thar an stuck mah fanger in it.
J.Q.: The pain must have been excruciating.
Jimbo: Nehw. It hurted.
BB.B.: Hyik hyik hyik, yer plum STEWPID Jimbo! OoohWHEE! Yer stewpidder ‘n a possum in a moonshine barrel! Hyuk hyuk!
Jimbo: Shuddup BillyBob! Yer stewpidder ‘n a bearcat in a SEE-ment mixer.
BB.B.: Y’all take that back Jimbo! Ah ain’t neither. Buh-sides iffin it weren’t fer me y’all would still be a-sufferin.’
J.Q.: Did you take Jimbos finger out of the pot?
BB.B.: Nehw. I turned awf the stove.
J.Q.: But it must have taken hours to cool down. How was his finger by the time the pot cooled?
BB.B.: Tender.
J.Q.: I imagine it was more than tender.
BB.B.: Oh, it were mahty tasty too.
J.Q.: You ate his finger?!
Jimbo: Nehw. We done et awl mah fangers. BillyBob tol’ me ah wuz better awf cuz now ah ain’t has ta worry ‘bout stickin’ em in sumpin’ hot.
BB.B.: Hyik hyik hyik ah tol’ ya he wuz plum stewpid!
Jimbo: Hey Billybob, thars one mawr fanger left. It’s mah layest one, ya wawnt it?
BB.B: Don’t mahnd iffin ah do (Chomp, crunch crunch crunch GULP!) Mm-mm that thar wuz mahty tasty. Thank yew, Jimbo...Ya STEWPID HILLBILLY! Hyik hyik hyik har har hyuk!
Jimbo: Hey BillyBob gayess whut, ah done stuck that fanger up uncle grampaw’s POOKY ‘fore ah fed it to ya! HAW HAW HAW HAR HAR! GawlEEE yer stewpid! Y’all jus’ et grampaws pooky scuzz!
BB.B.: WHUT!? AHMO GITCHOO JIMBO!
J.Q.: Well that's our show for today, time's up, cut, is the tape still rolling? Why does every show about these insipid Americans always end up a complete travesty? why do we do this show anyway?
Producer: Uh, cuz Americans lak it.
J.Q.: Why do Americans like seeing how stupid they are?
America: CUZ WE’RE PLUM STEWPID!!!!

by numbsain...an American, but at least he knows he’s stupid.

brought to you by the campaign to keep politicians with so much subconscious guilt that they are testing, much the way a two year old does, to see how far they can go before someone stops them and who are actually hoping to be punished, much the way an abused child does, seeing it as the only way to alleviate their guilt, out of office foundation.

and by the committee to keep mentally unstable torture victims who can't possibly have the ability to run a country after the kind of abuse they have endured because any psychologist knows that shit warps your brain and turns you into a sociopathic, psychopathic, nazi monster, from being elected.
And that sick bitch running mate of his is the most evil wench that ever walked the earth and if you people can't see it and elect them then you deserve the nightmarish living hell they will inflict upon us.

And by the association of people who would rather evolve than devolve back to bloodthirsty barbaric hateful murdering warmongers like say oh, for instance McCain.

Scat Singers are so Misunderstood

Ritzy Guissepe, trumpeter, scat singer, fatneck live at the G-spot in Manhattan.

A years worth of music lessons and many long minutes a day of pretending to practice wasn't getting me the kind of acclaim I had expected. I was pretty well known at family gatherings but Uncle Louie’s hearing aid cost me a bundle. I want the fans to pay me. Maybe it was the style of music I played, there just wasn't a big audience for scales and arpeggios.

So one evening I went to a local jazz club downtown called “The WB Club” to see the Bobby Shoe Bebop Big Band. There was a line out the door and they made me pay five dollars to get in. I think Bobby gets it all cause the guy who took my money was dressed like a bum. Then when I got inside they charged me again! Anyway the band was really hot. I think that's why they didn't sound so good. Too hot in there. But It was an inspiring show, I came away thinking, "That sucked. I can do that."

So when I saw my teacher I told him about it. Goes a little something like this:

[a-one…a-two…a-one, two, mm, mm]

Me: “Bobby Shoe Bebop Big Band be blowin at da WB”

Teach: “Bobby who?”

Me: “Bobby Shoe.”

Teach: “Bobby Shoe Bebop Big Band be back?”

Me: “You bet.”

Teach: “How do da Bobby Shoe BeBop Big Band be blowin' to you?”

Me: “Boy, Bobby Shoe Bebop Band really be bad.”

Teach: “Shut up! By "bad" you mean good?”

Me: "No! By "bad" I mean "bad!" we boo'd Bobby Shoe."

Teach: “Shut up! You boo'd Bobby Shoe?”

Me: “Better believe it, boy we all had ta scoot.”

Teach: “Shut up!”

Me: “Better believe it. We heard a little bit o' Bobby beat up da blues, bought a bottle o’ beer and bit the bullet but it didn't get any better. Bobby didn't even get a little itty bitty bit better and boy we boo'd.”

Teach: “Shut up! You boo'd Bobby Shoe?”

Me: “Better believe it, boy we all had ta scoot.”

Teach: “Ya had ta skeedaddle?”

Me: “Skeedaddle we did.”

Teach: “Shut up!”

Me: “I bet I'd do better.”

Teach: “Better'n Bobby Shoe? Who you?”

Me: “I do. I bet I do way better bebop and I bet I get a better bebop band.”

Teach: “Bobby don't be no bum, baby. Bobby be a buddy backinna day!”

Me: “I bet I'd do better and I bet I'm gonna be bigger”

Teach: “Better'n Bobby Shoe, little ol’ you would do?”

Me: “I do. I bet I do way better bebop in a better bebop band then Bobby Shoe Bebop Big Band be blowin at da WBeeeeeeee.”

Teach: “Shut up!”

Thank you lady and gentleman, thank you both for coming! You've been a wonderful audient. Good night mom, dad. Thanks again. Don't leave yet, I need a ride home.

Written by numbsain...ex-jazz trumpeter, composer, decomposer, arranger, rearranger, park ranger.

Brought to you by SCAT® Cat Repellant.
and by Jazz-Away! Wipes out pesky jazz musicians on contact!

IT'S A TOUGH JOB BUT SOMEBODY’S GOTTA SCREW IT UP



Good Afternoon sir can I get a drink started for you.

Uh, yeah...I’ll have a venti car’mel low fat no whip cappuccino

VENTI CAR’MEL LOW FLAT NO LIP CRAPPUCINO!

No, that’s a venti car’mel low fat no whip cappuccino.

Yeah I know, VERY HARMFUL LOW FLAT NO CRAP LIPPUCINO! Next guest in line!

I’d like a tall soy car’mel macchiatto.

SALT TOY MARBLE SACCHIATTO! Next visitor in line please!

Wait, that wasn’t right I wanted a—

NEXT VISITOR!

It’s my turn pal! Yeah, gimme like a venti iced blended maple frappuccino

VINTAGE ICE DENTED MENTAL AL PACINO and your name sir?

Hey I didn’t order that, you said ‘vintage ice—

FOR VINNIE!

Nuh-uh my name ain’t Vinnie, It’s Paul!

MAKE THAT A TALL!

No, look mack I oughta fatten your lip
AND VINNIE ALSO WANTS A NO LOOK MACCHIATTO, LOW FAT NO WHIP!

Forget this place! C’mon Carmella!

Next family member!

Hi! I’d like a venti iced mocha frappuccino with light whip, and my name is Wanda.

WENDY DICED OKRA CLAPPUCCINO WITH NICE TITS AND WHY BLAME UGANDA

Next contestant in line!

Just a tall soy mocha frappuccino with no whip.

TOLSTOY VOCAL PALOMINO WITH GOAT LIPS! Next sacrificial virgin in line.

I’ll have a tall low fat blended acåi sorbetto.

HOLOGRAPH RENDERED SPY GUIPETTO! Next prisoner!

Yeah hey, howzit goin’ dude. (Listen dude, I gotta call you back I gotta figure out what I’m gonna order... Yeah, I love you too, dude... uh-huh, take care now bro, bye-bye)
Sorry about that dude. I was talkin on...

We know, there’s a line of people behind you.

Woah! Yer right, okay, what do I want... hmm... what do you recommend?

A black eye, two shots of espresso in a cup of drip coffee.

Awesome! gimme a black eye.

KAPOW! (flubump)

Next victim!

Hi, I’ll get the pumpkin spice low fat muffin and a tall decaffienated with a dollop of foam.

HEY AL, GET THIS PUNK A NICE BIG FAT NOTHIN‘ AND CALL ME A CAB, IT‘S LATE AND I GOTTA GO HOME!

Stupid Classified Ads


Sperm Whale Seeks Ovary Whale
for dating and mating on the high seas.
Turn-ons: Sweeping the ocean floor straining krill,
Swimming 24/7, Collecting barnacles,
Turn-offs: Decaying on the beach, Trawlers nets,
Poachers harpoons, Under-aged whale bait.
I am black, weigh 17 tons, relatively attractive
(2 tons body blubber) produce up to 400 gallons
of sperm per climax.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Professional Coin Tosser Seeks Change
Bored with my career, looking to branch out into other fields such as dwarf, salad, or cookie tossing. I don't pitch, chuck or lob but I have thrown a shoe, for a loop and a hissy fit. Willing to cast pearls but not before swine. by the wayside. If you have a need for my services or know how I could catapult
myself into a new career please reply.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
2065 Ford Exaggerator for Sale
Time traveler back from the future wishes to sell vehicle
equipped to run on fuel not yet invented and designed
to travel at speeds exceeding 300 mph. V44 scramjet
engine stalls at 65mph, can't land on most driveways
and cup holders don't accommodate cups smaller than
mega gulp. Other than those problems it's a great car
at a reasonable price. $14,000,000.00 o.b.o.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Homeless Man, Seeks Overpass Without View
Unkempt transient, 45, no job, bad attitude, smells like pee
and cheap wine, seeking permanent residence under bridge or
overpass not visible from street. I like to sleep in the buff and
I'm tired of getting grappled by the jakes every time I drop trou.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Circus Clown Seeks Carpoolers to Downtown
Trying to cut gas costs of daily commute. I drive a Mini Cooper
from the West Valley to Maple St. downtown. If you would like
to save BIG $ and the environment, please reply ASAP.
Hurry—Only first 65 applicants accepted.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Aging Cowboy Wishes to Stop Aging
93 year old cattle rancher seeks young, reliable, attractive woman age 3+ to hold a gun to my head and pull the trigger.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
For Sale: Large “For Sale” Sign
8 ft. tall by 12 ft. wide with the words “For Sale” written on it in big bold letters. Beautiful, sturdy, solidly constructed of hard wood, professionally painted. Willing to let it go cheap because of a minor typo, instead of “For Sale” it says: “I Broke My Penis” but it can be easily repaired. $100
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Tattoo Wanted
I have always wanted to get a tattoo but I've been to scared.
If anyone is interested in helping me fulfill my dream of
getting a tattoo please reply. I prefer you be light skinned
and don't mind having my tattoo put on your back and
then having a 12 inch square of skin cut off of your back.
(It's only a 10 inch square tattoo but I want a little border
on it, I think it would look nicer that way).
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
I Eat Invisible Food—Care to Join Me?
I am an attractive man who enjoys romantic candle lit dinners
of invisible food. If you are an attractive woman who also likes
this please call me and I will treat you to a delicious dinner of
invisible food at the restaurant of your choice. See you at dinner time! (sex afterward required)
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Roommate Wanted
I seek a clean, friendly, roommate to share the cost of my one
bedroom, second story up-town apartment. You will have the
broom closet all to yourself. I supply two bowls of kibbles and a
clean dish of water every day. You must be okay with sitting on
my lap, fetching my slippers and going for walkies on a leash 3
times a day. Also biting (and killing, if necessary) intruders.
$500 per month including utilities. First and last months rent,
credit check and background check required to move in. No
pedigree papers necessary but must have all shots.

by numbsain...“comedy writer seeks sense of humor”

Handle's Water Closet Music

performed by
John Flushman on Contrabañosita
Porter Pottier on Sewersophone

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Jimmy Tchaikovsky's
Peepy and the Wolf

performed by
the Pedophilharmonic Orchestra

conducted by
I. Ketcham Young

Musicians
Sodolm Eisen Jr.
Chick N. Hawke
Mo Lester
Ray Putoddler
Cedusa Childe
Kitty Fondler
Shara Ladd
Boyer Little
Tina Büsser
Barney M. Posster
Buster Hyman
N. Tyson-Bratz
Stillin Dypers
Robin D. Kroedal

............................
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Pumps and Circumcised
Performed by
The Heashey Ensemble
with
Boyz2Girls
Eunice X
Herm Affrodite
Kris Krosdresserson

This Weekend at the Holly Wood Bowl
and at the
Bukkaki Theater

brought to you by
Numbsain...It's not over till the fat lady sits on his face!

Lowdamalarky Productions

All proceeds go to the American Priapism Foundation
Long and hard too long? Call 1-800 JACK OFF

I Swear!


I went to the doctor today. I remember him saying I might have Alzheimer’s. So I guess he was wrong. I could have sworn he also said I have...SHIT! what was the name of that FUCKING disease? ...Oh, yeah Turret's. FUCKIN-A man! I swear, my luck sucks. The other day I had a sucking chest wound. That sucked big time. My grandfather came to visit me in the hospital.
I said, “Please help me grampa, it hurts!”
He said, “I can't do shit!”
I said, “Why not.”
He said, “My colostomy bag is full”
I told him, “Why don't you go blow it out yer ass, grampa!”
He said, “No asshole!”
I said, “Are you calling me an asshole?”
He said, “No, I have no asshole.”
I said, “I just chewed you a new asshole.”
He said, “Thanks a lot, you...you...”
I said, “Go ahead, call me an asshole.”
He said, “I did, he's on his way.”
Just then the asshole walks in.
I said, “Doc, you asshole, you forgot to give me my pain meds!”
The doc said, “I don't give out pain meds. The nurse does that”
I said, “Send her in!”
He said, “I can't, your not covered.”
I said, “I'm sure she's seen a naked man before.”
Anyway I fully recovered from my sucking chest wound but I met a girl in the hospital.
I asked her why she was there.
She said, “I've got acute angina.”
I said, “I'll bet you do! I've got one-eye Willy!”
She said, “Willy? Which one?”
I said, “I can take it out of it's hiding place?
She said, “An eye socket?”
I said, “You can do whatever you want with it.”
I realized after our first date she was dumber than a box of rocks.
So I married her and we were having our first kid.
“Come on Roxanne, You're gonna be late for lamaze class.”
“Oh I'm sure they won't mind if some of lamaze are a little late.
So finally she goes into labor and I lost my job. I went to the labor board and told them the situation. they suggested an abortion.
I said, “It's a little late for that, I'm thirty five.”
They said, “Not you, the baby.”
I said, “the baby's not pregnant.”
I went back to the hospital and I told them I wanted my wife to have an abortion. They told me they don't do abortions.
I said, “Can I be an organ donor?”
They said, “What organ do you want to donate?”
I said, “My wife’s uterus.”

NUMBSAIN’S EYEWITLESS NEWSFLINCH


US Government Found Not Guilty In 9/11
Startling new findings in the 9/11 investigation reveal that the twin towers actually did collapse as a result of a terrorist action by the Middle East, thus removing all suspicion of involvement on the part of the U.S. government. A recent military raid of an Iraqi home near Bagdad recovered the diary of 6 year old Saheed Momar, In which Momar admits to invoking Allah to cause the World Trade Center Towers to fall down. The entry reads as follows:
“Dear Allah, oh great and wise, please grant me my only wish in life and I will forever be your loyal servant. Please make the World Trade Center fall down as it represents the evil of the western civilization and its destruction would send a message to the evil American government that they are evil. Thanks Allah I know you won’t let me down. Sincerely Saheed”
Momar confessed to soldiers under intensive interrogation and “light to medium torture with the option to sexually abuse,” that on the morning of September 11 he wished real hard for the disaster and just moments later U.S. Government officials choreographed and executed the attack, covered up all evidence of the operation, and even falsified press releases while in a trance-like state after which they had no recollection of doing so. The president was completely unaware of his actions and helplessly under the influence of a hypnotic trance obviously induced by Momar’s powerful invocation of Allah. President Bush stated in a press conference, “One minute I was innocently finishing up my breakfast of fried babies heads and eggs and the next thing I knew I was in Florida hearing the news that I had just blown up the World Trade Center. I knew Allah had something to do with it.”


Balls Yanked
An FDA recall on Rocky Mountain Prairie Oysters has restaurants pulling their supplies as the administration disseminates new evidence that the nutty-flavored delicacy is actually the gonads of the mature male bull. A meat packing plant specializing in prairie oysters was shut down after a food inspector busted their nuts at a Chicago Bistro where they were being served. One customer had this to say, “Oh my God, you mean I’ve been eating balls? Why don’t I just go suck a cows dick fer chrissake!”

Gas Companies Invite Customers to “Come and Get It”
With gas prices going through the roof in today’s disastrous economy, Gas companies have jointly come up with a way to drop their prices down lower than they’ve been in years. All major oil companies have decided to lower the price of regular gas to $2.50 per gallon! To offer this discount they impose only one stipulation. Gas will only be sold in the state of Tennessee. The up to 1500 miles some customers must travel to fill up will offset the oil companies' losses.

Recall on Eaten Food
Some FDA approved food products which have proved to be harmless while in the package are now found to be a deadly health hazard once eaten by consumers. General Foods Inc. Has ordered a full recall on these foods, but only in their fully digested state, since before consumption they pose no health risk. General Foods Inc. Suggests rather than return the digested product, consumers should simply flush the product down the toilet immediately.

Touched By a Ten Foot Pol'
Five year old Jimmy Reese of North Carolina was lying in a hospital bed dying of an incurable disease when a miracle came and saved his life. Lech Kalinowski, a pituitary giant from Warsaw who stands ten feet in height and who was born gifted with supernatural healing abilities, visited Jimmy and laid his massive hands on the boy. The Next day Jimmy made a complete recovery. Doctors reported, “We had tried everything to save Jimmy. He was so contagious we didn't want to touch him with a ten foot pole. But ironically it took the touch of a ten foot Pol to save his life.”

Numbsain's Eyewitless Newsflinch was brought to you by a sentimental old fool with an itchy, bleeding heart in his eye.

It Ain't Good Unless You Get Caught




[SLAM]

(*sob*)

Sarah? Are you okay!?

It was h-h-h him again...

WHO!!! Who's ass am I kickin' baby? What did he do to you?

I was in the stock room up on the ladder reaching for a box off the top shelf and he came up behind and...

Are you SERIOUS!? That bastard, I'm going down there right now! What's he look like?

He's quite a bit younger than you honey?

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF HE'S 5 YEARS OLD, NOBODY DOES THAT TO MY GIRLFRIEND!!!! Now give me a description.

About 3 inches taller than you, a bit stockier...

I'll kill that fat pig!

He's not fat, honey. He work's out a lot! He's got brown hair and blue eyes, kind of good looking. His name is Lloyd.

Lloyd?...Well, I'm going down there right now!

Be careful honey.

[SLAM]

[Ten minutes later in the stockroom]

Lloyd? You back here!?

Over here!

There you are. How long does it take to kick someones ass?

Oh, Gee your asking the wrong fella... Maybe, ten minutes tops?!

Well then we have to hurry, take off your pants and lock the door.

Ooh! I love a bossy bottom!

(Aah!) Hey, that was pretty clever (ooh) sexually harrasing (ungh) Sarah like that, how'd ya like it?

Oh it was gross, I mean (ooh) no offense she's a lovely girl but I just don't swing that way.

Shh! Someones coming! ...Sarah! um, uh, oh, thank god you showed up. This bastard overpowered me and oh my god it was horrible what he did to me.

I'll just bet it was. You couple a nancy's don't fool me for a second. Steve, I can't believe you played me for almost a year. You're despicable! Get out!

I'm s-sorry Sarah. I don't know what to say...I...

Out!

I'm leaving...

And YOU! You're not gonna get away with this you ba—

[SLAM]

He's gone.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Wanna kiss it.

Yes Ma'am!

Mmm! mmmMMm!

AHA! I knew you two were up to something like this! Gimme that!

Don't hurt him!

I won't... I would never hurt a wittew cutie pooty boo boo like thish. Nyo Nyever ever ever. Who'sh my good boy? Who'sh my good boy?...

Hey, c'mon Steve! That's enough...give him back.

Yeah Steve, you're getting him all wet.

No I'm not, just chill you guys—he wuvs me.

NO! Not really Steve! He wuvs me! Now GIVE HIM BACK!!

HEY,HEY, HEY! Cool out you guys yer hurting him GIMME!

[YELP!!]

(Gasp!) No you didn't just do that! You bastard! I'll KILL YOU If you so much as...

Stop! Stop it!... Allright that's it! I'm taking him right NOW!

[YELP-YELP-YELP Squeal THUD!!]

AAAAAAH! YOU IDIOTS, YOU DROPPED HIM!!!

OH MY GOD! I THINK YOU BROKE HIS LEG!

NO!! HE'S NOT MOVING!!!

OH JEEZUS HE'S DEAD!!!!

[Bam Bam Bam] What the hell's going on in there!?

oh shit! its the chief! quiet! quiet! quiet! SHHHHHHH!

It's fucking Murray! he knows we're in here!!! What the fuck are we gonna do now!

DON'T PANIC!

SHHHHHH!

SHHHH!

Don't panic. Put the dog in the file cabinet and dump all your drugs out on the counter here.

What! Are you crazy?

It's okay it'll put him off the track. He'll just punish us for doing drugs and forget all about everything else.

This better work!

Wow Sarah! What is that, a quarter ounce?

Jeezus, looks like good shit too!

ALLRIGHT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING BACK HERE?!

Sorry Boss.

Heh Heh, Hiya Chief.

Murray, I can explain...

YOU'RE DOING DRUGS!?!? AND HAVING SEX!?!? Without me?

Bend over Lloyd! On yer knees Sarah! And Steve you get behind me and gimme a reach around. NOW!!!

[SLAM] MURRAY PRITCHARD!!! So this is what you call a late night at the office!?

Honey! Wait I can explain everything!

I DON"T THINK SO SLAVE BOY! [RRRR-R-R-I-I-P]

Wow!

Hey nice leather Mrs. P.!

Nice Whip!!!

[WHIP-P-SSSHHH]

OH YEAH!! DO ME TOO MRS P.!!!

Oooooh it hurts so good! Harder! Harder!

Mom, Dad what are you doing and where's my puppy?

[GASP!!!]
HUH!?
Princess!?
Oh My God!
EEEEEK!

Mommy I wanna go home.

Yes princess, Yes dear, You're just having a nightmare. Close your eyes precious!

Okay mommy but first pack all that cocaine into a condom and shove it up daddy's ass. cuz dis crib is crawlin' with jakes an ahmo knuckle up fo I get mah ass gaffled all up in dis bitch

Yes Princess.


ALRIGHT FREEZE!!!




by numbsain

Jiblitz & Gravy
Plumbers Union Loco 23


Jiblitz: Howdy Flushpuppies, I’m Jiblitz!

Gravy: And I’m Gravy! Weez here ta ejumacate y’all about the tiles and tubulations of plumbin’ country style.

Jiblitz: An’ we ain’t afeared ta take the plunge with a plunger and git knee-deep in shits creek!

Gravy: Now Jiblitz, mah brothers and me been plumbin’ fer pert’ near a coons age. We got on-the-john trainin’. How’d you git in the plumbin’ bidness, wud you do?

Jiblitz: Mario Brothers.

Gravy: I thought you married yo cousin’?

Jiblitz: Ain’t no law aginst it.

Gravy: Ain’t no law aginst marryin’ a nannygoat neither, but ya don’t do that do ya?

Jiblitz: Na- a- a- a- ah, but mah daddy did.

Gravy: Oh you kid. Now lets just answer a few questions from our viewers.
Whaddaya do about a stuck faurcet?

Jiblitz: Just force it.

Gravy: How bout a leaky seal?

Jiblitz: Club it.

Gravy: An’ iffin yer tub needs caulkin’?

Jiblitz: Call Macauley.

Gravy: Ever had a ruptured boiler?

Jiblitz: Heck no, I had it lanced before it ruptured

Gravy: Rusty fixtures?

Jiblitz: No, the doc fixed mine. Rusty wun’t around.

Gravy: John overflow?

Jiblitz: Naw, he still can’t git over that gal.

Gravy: Sewer back-up?

Jiblitz: I hope not, Sue’s HIS back-up.

Gravy: Now how d’ya de-stenchify a stinky porta-potty?

Jiblitz: Ya need porta-pot-pouree.

Gravy: Alright. How’d ya learn all that, Jiblitz?

Jiblitz: From readin’ this here Plumbers Magazine.

Gravy: Jiblitz, that says ‘Plumpers’ not ‘Plumbers.’

Jiblitz: No wonder it ain’t got nuthin but big fat nekkid heifers in it. Looky here!

Gravy: Great humpin’ ja-blowzafat! Them’s some tiggity ol’ biggitys! Turn the page! Turn the page!...HOLY BAJEEMINY!!! They’d never find ya! Gaw-leee, the good lord sure knows how ta dish up some sin don’t he?

Jiblitz: Must be margarine ‘cause butter don’t spread like that!

Gravy: Whew! Okay, nuff o’ that. Lets go inside an’ have a looksee at the lavatory.

Jiblitz: Yes master Gravenstien, to the lavatory.

Gravy: Now don’t get too eager, Igor.

Jiblitz: No Master Gravenstien.

Gravy: Gad Blastard, Jiblitz! I got a leak!

Jiblitz: Ah told ya to go before the show.

Gravy: Hand me that pipe dope!

Jiblitz: Whudjoo call me?

Gravy: Not you, ya cow poke, the pipe dope! I gotta cracked pipe under the sink

Jiblitz: Ah told ya; just say no, Gravy.

Gravy: Not a crack pipe, a cracked pipe! now pipe down ya crack pot.

Jiblitz: Uh, Gravy, we got a bigger problem.

Gravy: Clog in the sewer?

Jiblitz: Naw, but I think I dropped one o’ mah tennies down there.

Gravy: Broken water main?

Jiblitz: I ain’t even preggars, man.

Gravy: Am ah showin’ plumbers crack?

Jiblitz: Ya were, but I used my caulk gun on it.

Gravy: Well then what’s the problem?

Jiblitz: Weez outta time Gravy.

Gravy: Well flush my britches and snake mah brain! Remember folks: Just say no to Drain-NO!

Jiblitz & Gravy wuz brang to ya by...

Barney’s Back-hoes...If yer hoe aint dirty, yer back 30 ain’t purty!
Ezekials Gourmet Pig Slop Bistro...Pigs oink for it!
Cleavon’s Bull-kakki Jizzateria...Nuttin’ but the best!
Melvis’ Geld n’ Go...Free set o’ Prairie Oysters with every Castration!

by numbsain